


The Trials of Nanao Ise

by Red_Dahlia



Category: Bleach
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Drama, F/M, Mild Gore, Mild Language, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-04
Updated: 2012-03-04
Packaged: 2017-11-01 03:48:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 37
Words: 142,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/351640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Dahlia/pseuds/Red_Dahlia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War.  Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Nanao watched the small monitor in the surveillance room of Twelfth Division, transfixed by the grainy picture. On the screen Captain Ukitake fell through the sky, blood pouring out of his chest wound and hanging in the air above him like a scarlet ribbon waving in the wind. Captain Kyōraku shouted at his friend in the false Karakura town but there was no sound in the chilled room in Twelfth.

"Put that camera on the large screen," Nanao said to a bald man with an oversized head. He nodded and the picture appeared on the main monitor. The room of odd technicians, officers from the Gotei 13, and members of the Kidō Corps watched in stillness.

Nanao heard a small whimper from Kiyone Kotetsu, one of Ukitake's seated officers, from the back of the room and half turned to speak to her when a sudden movement on the monitor drew her attention.

The Primera Espada had taken advantage of Captain Kyōraku's distraction to flash behind him. A cero burned through her captain before he could defend himself. Then he too was falling out of the sky, and Nanao's heart fell with him.

Her face was calm and cold, because her entire body was frozen in place. She watched Captain Kyōraku fall until he disappeared from the screen. "Do you have another camera?" Her voice tasted like ash in her mouth.

The technician with the huge head cranked out one of his eyeballs, scanning through pictures on the small monitor. "We don't have anything intact in the lower area of that quadrant. I can reposition a camera from another area, but it will take some time."

"Do it," Nanao said. "Change the large screen."

The main monitor cycled through scenes with Captain Soi Fon and Omaeda. Nanao could hear Kiyone sobbing behind her into the shoulder of her fellow Third Seat Sentarō Kotsubaki, but Nanao could give her no comfort now and did not try.

Not when her mind was full of burning thoughts of her own captain. _He's not dead; you haven't seen a body, he can't be dead; they'll find a camera and he'll be fine, he's not dead he's not dead he's not dead._

The battle continued, but the outcome seemed obvious. The might of the Gotei 13 would not be enough for victory. Why hadn't the other captains returned from Hueco Mundo yet? Where was the boy Ichigo Kurosaki that they'd been sent to retrieve?

What would Nanao do without her captain? She pushed this question away, hard, because he was not dead, not until she'd seen him, and she swallowed down the bile and ashes rising in her throat.

Suddenly a group of strangers jumped into the battle, and Nanao realized with a start that they were not strangers after all, but long-dead officers of the Gotei 13. She bit back a hysterical laugh when Vice Captain Yadōmaru flashed across the large screen. _The dead are walking and my captain can't be dead, because the dead aren't even dead._

The tide of the battle turned in favor of the shinigami with the appearance of the new allies. Nanao would have felt hope if she could feel anything, but her body was cold and her heart was ash.

"Vice Captain Ise! I have something!" The big-headed technician cranked his eyeball back in. "I'm putting it on the main screen now."

On the large screen the Primera Espada appeared again with a sword coming through his abdomen. Behind him, holding the sword and half-melted into a shadow stood Captain Kyōraku. Nanao shivered as her blood began to run warmth through her body again.

She nodded once to the technician. "Good work."

The fight between the two men continued across the main screen, different cameras giving chase as needed. Nanao nearly cried out when the Espada cut a deep wound across her captain's back, but she choked back the sound and her face remained tight and cool. She was in command of the Gotei 13 in the absence of the captains. It would not do to show emotion or worry when so many were looking to her for guidance.

She followed the battle with her arms crossed and her eyes locked on Captain Kyōraku's swift figure on the screen. When it was over and the Primera Espada was the one to fall, not her captain, she gripped her arms tightly with her hands.

Nanao coughed once to clear the relief from her throat. "Change the screen," she said, although she wanted to drink in the picture of her captain, alive and victorious.

A messenger from the Secret Remote Squad entered with a question from Fourth Division about the distribution of the triage teams that would be sent into fake Karakura as soon as the battle ended. Nanao clarified her orders, giving the messenger her full attention. Swift triage would be critical for minimizing casualties. Any confusion could result in unnecessary deaths.

She glanced at Kiyone, wondering if even the most rapid triage would be enough for Captain Ukitake. _Don't think about that now. Focus on what has to be done._ The messenger vanished from the room and Nanao walked back across the room to stand behind the bug-eyed technician.

On the main monitor a host of shinigami, past and present, confronted Aizen. Even Ichigo Kurosaki was there, standing alert behind the others.

"Vice Captain Ise, Captain Unohana also arrived in the false Karakura. She is tending the wounded," one of the other technicians said.

Nanao nodded. "Thank you for the update."

As she watched the fight unfold she couldn't help but feel hope rising in her chest. The shinigami could do this, they could defeat Aizen. He was wounded and surprised by the combined attacks of so many. A collective cheer rose in the room as Captain Hitsugaya impaled the traitor through the chest.

"We're winning!" Third Seat Kotsubaki shouted.

But they weren't winning.

Suddenly it wasn't Aizen impaled on the blade of Hitsugaya; it was Momo Hinamori, gasping and near death.

Suddenly the shinigami weren't overwhelming Aizen with their numbers and tactics; they were being overwhelmed by the strength of his illusions.

Nanao saw her captain fall for a second time that day with a long slice through his back and shoulder and her heart stopped beating for a long moment. All the secret dreams she'd protected for so long slipped with him to the pavement, shattering.

Her confidence in the Gotei 13 cracked as each of the shinigami, past and present, dropped out of the sky like wingless birds.

The vice captain of the Kidō Corps—an unpleasant small man with slicked back hair and a grating voice—spoke to her, but she didn't hear him. Nanao only turned to him as the shinigami disappeared from the screen, leaving Aizen and the Kurosaki boy.

"What are your orders, Vice Captain Ise?" He was anxious, sweating. She had received a memo from Vice Captain Sasakibe that this man had protested that Nanao was given the command position, arguing the Kidō Corps should have the lead of Seireitei, but Captain Yamamoto had refused him. The Gotei 13 had primary command in matters of war.

"We wait," Nanao said, staring him down.

"The Gotei 13 captains have fallen. The Central 46—"

She cut him off as his voice rose. "Captain Commander Yamamoto has not fallen. We wait. I know my orders," she snapped, and he shrunk even smaller at her lacerating tone.

Captain Yamamoto was burning high fires across the false Karakura town, and Nanao placed her hopes in him. _Please, please win. We must win here._

But that strange young Espada that had ripped through Captain Ukitake devoured Yamamoto's fire. There was an explosion Nanao recognized from descriptions in books. Sacrificial kidō, and so powerful, surely Aizen was killed.

The Twelfth technicians struggled to find a working camera in the area, and when they did the smoke made it impossible to see the outcome for several seconds. "No," the bug-eyed technician whispered.

Aizen stood smirking in the burned out ruins of false Karakura.

The shinigami failed. The captains of the Gotei 13 were defeated and Aizen triumphant. Nanao stood frozen again, eyes riveted to Aizen's relaxed face. How had this happened? How? There was a faint buzzing in her ears, and she realized it was the vice captain of the Kidō Corps.

"Captain Commander Yamamoto has fallen. What are your orders, Vice Captain Ise?" That terrible little man smirked at her, lips curved up like Aizen's.

Kiyone and the other shinigami officers stared at Nanao; the technicians turned in their seats to watch her.

"What are your orders, Vice Captain Ise?"

*****

_Two Days Earlier_

The summons from First Division came so early in the morning that Nanao was still in her quarters dressing for work. She watched the hell butterfly circle around her head for a few moments before holding her finger out to let it land.

She anticipated perhaps a request to wake her captain and herd him to the First—it had happened before—but instead it was a summons for her alone to come and meet with Captain Commander Yamamoto. Surprised and puzzled, she took a minute to straighten the folds of her uniform into crisp lines and smooth her hair. If it was about a paperwork failure in the Eighth, surely the captain commander would not personally address it? Such issues in the past were resolved with nothing more than a written rebuke by the vice captain of the First.

The only thing important enough to command Captain Yamamoto's attention would be the coming war with the Arrancars. Nanao stepped out of her quarters and slid the door closed. The chill in her body had little to do with the crisp weather of early morning. She glanced in the direction of her captain's quarters, but turned away to step into shunpo. It wouldn't do to keep Captain Yamamoto waiting.

Vice Captain Sasakibe greeted her at the door and walked with her to the captain's office.

"I apologize for the earliness of the hour, Ise-san, but the preparations for the Arrancar war have made the captain's schedule very tight."

The halls of First Division were orderly, with shinigami walking between offices quietly. There was no chatting in doorways or laughter ringing through the building. Nanao had to admit she preferred the bustle and life of the Eighth, even though it made completing her work more difficult. She doubted that Sasakibe was ever faced with frantic subordinates who had accidently set the roof on fire during their Summer Celebration Sake Party.

Twice.

In the same afternoon.

After that incident, setting off fireworks in the division courtyard was expressly forbidden. Putting out literal fires was not in her job description, a fact she made very clear to her captain by drenching the entire courtyard and everyone in it with the same water kidō she used to smother the fires.

"We were just having some fun in the beautiful summer weather, Nanao-chan," he'd said, water dripping off the edges of his hat, grinning widely at her.

"Captain, if you set off one more firework inside the division I will ask Captain Hitsugaya to freeze all of the division grounds, as it is obvious the fine weather has a negative impact on the intelligence of our division members." She had scowled up at him, one hand still lit up with kidō.

"Would Toshirō-kun do that?"

"Captain Hitsugaya is very grateful to me for teaching him a tracking kidō that works even when reiatsu is suppressed."

"Now I see why his vice captain has looked so hassled lately. What did Rangiku-san do to you to deserve such retribution?" He leaned his face down towards her, gray eyes glittering with amusement.

"As if I would do anything for a reason like that. I taught the kidō to Captain Hitsugaya as a professional courtesy," Nanao said, but she smiled a little. She was certain Rangiku would never again go through Nanao's closet and throw out some of her "unstylish, unsexy clothes" and replace them with mostly indecent outfits purchased from the Living World. Nanao had suspicions her captain may have also been involved in the incident, but there was no proof of that and Rangiku denied it vehemently.

"My Nanao-chan is so vengeful." He raised a hand to cup her cheek, but she stopped him with the hand still lit with kidō, giving him a small electric shock.

"Don't be ridiculous. Enjoy the rest of the party. It's probably the last one for a while." The wetness of the courtyard and everyone in it had not dampened the spirits of the shinigami, and they were busy dumping water out of their sake dishes and squeezing it out of their uniforms, laughing.

"Why don't you stay? We'll have a good time!" He gestured with his arm and inadvertently sprayed her with water.

"Your good time causes a lot of property damage. Someone has to be sober to put out the fires," she said, though she was certain he could have put them out himself—he'd probably let them burn just to draw her out of the office.

"What better place is there to keep watch over us than right here?" Kyōraku whipped his pink haori off his shoulders and wrung it out between his hands, then spread it carefully on the ground, where it was immediately soaked again.

Nanao opened her mouth to refuse out of habit, but he was watching her much more intently than she'd expected. The other members of the division had paused in their partying to see if she would stay. With the preparations for war with the Aizen picking up, there really would probably be no more days like this one.

Nanao closed her mouth and nodded once, tightly, before perching carefully on her knees on the pink haori. Her uniform hakama were immediately wet, but the cool water was pleasant on her skin in the heat of the summer afternoon. "Only for a little while."

"Of course," he said, and sprawled out beside her on the haori, radiating happiness. "Nanao-chan is joining our party! Let's have fresh food and drink for my enchanting Nanao-chan," he called out, sending several division members scurrying to find non-flooded refreshments for their vice captain.

The courtyard was filled with laughter and talking and singing, and Nanao let herself smile at the antics of the division and the pleasure of her captain lounging beside her.

Now in the quiet halls of First Division Nanao realized that Sasakibe was waiting for her to speak.

"I understand completely, Sasakibe-san. The captain commander's time is very valuable. If I had known that he wished to meet with me, perhaps I could have prepared in advance, to use as little of his time as possible." She raised one eyebrow in polite inquiry.

"Do not be concerned, Ise-san. There is no preparation necessary for this meeting, and I am certain the captain will make judicious use of his time." Sasakibe's reply was just as polite as Nanao's probing, but gave her no information on the reason for this summons.

They walked in silence the rest of the distance to Captain Yamamoto's office. Nanao waited while Sasakibe introduced her and waved her in. Sasakibe exited the room and closed the panel behind him, leaving Nanao alone with Captain Yamamoto.

"Come forward." She walked to wait in front of the captain's desk, a respectful distance away. He did not look up from the papers on his desk, shuffling through them a few times. After several minutes, he spoke without looking at her. "Vice Captain Ise."

"Yes, sir?"

"You have performed your duties as a vice captain exceptionally well. I am pleased with the efficiency and clarity of your division's written work."

"Thank you, sir," Nanao said, having no real sense of where she was being led in this conversation.

"Given that your captain is Shunsui, it is fairly remarkable you have stayed at your post for so long. Few of his vice captains have come close to even half your time in the position."

"Yes, sir," she said, because he seemed to require a reply.

"Presently, you are one of the longest serving vice captains in the Gotei 13. Every now and again, there is a cycle of shifting positions and replacements. You must have witnessed this several times by now. But you have been very stable in your work and in your life, have you not?"

He looked at her, and Nanao forced herself to remain very still, refusing to show her discomfort. Captain Yamamoto's gaze today was not so heavy as the one that brought her to her knees during the incident with Rukia Kuchiki's execution, but it was weighted enough to make her feel like a bug on the end of a pin. This man could end her existence with only his eyes. He always made her feel incredibly young and weak. Still, she had her pride, and she never dropped her head, even when she felt beads of sweat coating her back.

"Yes, sir."

"You are aware, I am certain, that the war with the Arrancars is approaching. Originally we believed this battle would not begin until the winter, however, we have lately obtained information that leads me to believe Aizen will strike much sooner than that. In fact, I am sending a contingent of shinigami to Hueco Mundo tomorrow."

"To Hueco Mundo?"

He looked at her sharply. "Captain-level shinigami. Their mission is to weaken the Espada, gather information, and secure the return of Ichigo Kurosaki to the battlefield."

"Ichigo Kurosaki? To the battlefield? What battlefield, sir?"

"As you know, we will be using an advanced kidō to transfer Karakura town to the outer edge of Soul Society. An exact replica of Karakura has been constructed in the outer districts of Soul Society and will be substituted for the real location no later than the middle of this week. The battle will take place in that false Karakura town, allowing the captains of the Gotei 13 to fight without concern for civilian casualties."

"This week? The war is beginning this week?" Nanao was shocked by this turn of events. She was aware of the construction of the false Karakura, and the return of Captain Hitsugaya's advance team from the Living World, but she had not expected the war to begin so suddenly.

"You are surprised by the speed of these developments. I am certain Aizen was hoping to catch Soul Society unaware, so that he could destroy Karakura town to create the King's Key and invade the Royal Realm before the Gotei 13 were mobilized for war. However, we will not be outwitted by Aizen. When he attempts to invade Karakura, we will stop him there, in the false town. He must not set a single foot into the real Karakura."

"Yes, sir."

"Vice Captain Ise, I am certain you are aware that the primary military strength of the Gotei 13 lies with its captains."

"Yes, sir, I am aware of that."

"Aizen is also aware of this fact. That is why I am certain he will not invade Karakura town with a large quantity of weak Hollows. He needs to destroy the captains to cripple the Gotei 13 and carry out his plan with no resistance, and no matter how numerous his troops, only the Espada will be able to present a real threat to us. Therefore, all of the captains, all but one of the vice captains, and a selection of other strong shinigami officers will be going to the battlefield."

"Sir? We aren't bringing the full divisions into battle?" Nanao was surprised by this. His logic surrounding Aizen's possible strategy for war made sense, but then why had the First Division sent out so many memos encouraging all divisions to train hard for battle, if Captain Yamamoto had never intended that they should fight?

"Just as low level Hollows are no danger to captains, the vast majority of shinigami would be only fodder before Aizen's forces. You may wonder why I have had all of the troops train with such vigor of late, if I did not intend to send them to war. In truth, it is necessary for all shinigami to become stronger now. We will likely suffer the loss of some of our most powerful warriors and leaders in the coming battle. Each shinigami must be strong enough to face the loss of their leaders and carry on with their duties. The intent of my training was to strengthen their resolve to grow in power and to unify each division in a way that is only possible in the face of potential death. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," she said, and she did understand his intent, even if she found his methods deceitful. Hundreds of shinigami had believed for months that death might await them in the coming war, only because the captain commander wanted them to be unified and strong? It was a bit distasteful to Nanao, but she said nothing further.

He looked at her in a way that made her feel as if her thoughts were scrawled across her face in bright red ink. Nanao continued to stand at attention, keeping her eyes on his face.

"In any case, very soon now the major powers of the Gotei 13 will be leaving Soul Society. In the absence of our captains, leadership must be appointed to keep the functions of Soul Society running smoothly. Souls in the Living World must still have konsō. Hollows must still be slain. Even when we are at war, the weight of our responsibilities will continue to press down on the shinigami. I must select a high-ranking officer who is capable of leading all the divisions of the Gotei 13 in their duties. Removing my vice captain from consideration, you are the most organized and, in many respects, the most responsible of the vice captains. You have served longer at this position than nearly all of the rest of the present vice captains. Vice Captain Ise, I have selected you to remain in Soul Society and assume the leadership of the Gotei 13 while we are at war."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." Nanao was surprised and pleased at the trust Captain Yamamoto was displaying in her, yet she also felt a pang of disappointment and worry that she would not be going into combat with Captain Kyōraku.

"War is hard on everyone, Vice Captain Ise. It exacts a special price on those that must stay behind and tend to duty. I would not select you for this task if I did not believe you were equal to it."

"Thank you, sir."

Vice Captain Sasakibe appeared in the doorway when the captain stamped the ground with his cane. He carried several books, which he handed to Nanao.

"These manuals will give you any necessary information for the running of Seireitei in our absence." He began to flip through the papers on his table again.

Nanao bowed low and turned to follow Vice Captain Sasakibe at this apparent dismissal.

"There is one more thing, Vice Captain Ise. Set the books down and come with me." Captain Yamamoto nodded once to Sasakibe, who closed the door as he left. The older man, leaning heavily on his cane, walked to the side of the room and opened a screen to a high terrace overlooking the Seireitei. Nanao followed and came to stand at the rail of the terrace, a few feet away from the captain.

He breathed deeply of the crisp morning air. "The newly reformed Central 46 has issued an order for the upcoming battle."

He did not look at her, and Nanao was not certain if he wanted a reply, so she said again: "Yes, sir."

"This order will apply to you, as you will be the only one with the necessary authority and ability to carry it out while I am away on the battlefield. This is a very critical order, and also highly confidential. You must tell no one you have received this order. There will be no correspondence related to this order, and you and I will not speak of this again before the battle. The importance of this secret cannot be overstated."

Nanao was sweating again, but she kept her face composed and even. "Yes, sir. I understand the seriousness of the confidentiality."

"Captain Kurotsuchi, while working on matters related to the upcoming battle, developed a technique that combines technology and kidō. He believes this technique can destroy souls completely. He has created several machines that, when operated by powerful members of the Kidō Corps or Gotei 13 members skilled in kidō can completely annihilate any souls within an area. The size of the area is determined by the number of machines and operators."

"Completely destroy souls? As in, the souls of Hollows?"

"No, Vice Captain Ise. We are discussing the destruction of human souls."

"Sir, please, what is the nature of this order?" Nanao fisted her hands at her sides to prevent them from shaking in front of the captain.

"The Central 46 has ordered these machines to be placed throughout Karakura town, the real Karakura that will be moved to the outskirts of Soul Society. Hundreds of operators will be positioned just outside the town to operate these machines remotely with mechanical devices. It is theorized that souls destroyed by this technique disappear completely from existence. Therefore if the souls of the humans in Karakura were destroyed by this method, Aizen would be unable to use their soul power to create the King's Key. His invasion to overthrow the Soul King would be delayed as he searched out a new location of concentrated soul power to replace Karakura town."

"Unbelievable," Nanao whispered. Her mind was hardly following the captain's words, and her fists were shaking at her sides.

Captain Yamamoto continued as if she had not spoken. "It is the order of the Central 46 that if the Gotei 13 fails to stop Aizen, if we are defeated in battle, you are to give the order to activate the machines and destroy all the souls within Karakura town, to prevent Aizen from succeeding."

"Sir, that's not—that order is—" Nanao could not collect her thoughts.

"It is the will of the Central 46 that if the Gotei 13 falls to Aizen, _you_ —Vice Captain Ise—will give the order to destroy Karakura before Aizen steps into a gate to Soul Society. The Royal Realm and the Soul King must be protected above any other considerations. This is our highest duty. This is the command of the Central 46. This is the order you have been given. Do you understand this order, Vice Captain Ise?"

"There are one hundred thousand people in Karakura town, sir."

"I am aware of that. The life of the Soul King is valued above all other things. If the Soul King is destroyed, the Soul Society will cease to exist. The cycle of reincarnation will be interrupted, and then fail completely. Life as it exists in this universe will end. The lives of the people of Karakura cannot stand against this possible outcome. Do you understand your order, Vice Captain Ise?"

Nanao clamped her hands around the railing and looked out over the Seireitei. This order seemed monstrous, horrifying, yet it had come from the Central 46. If the Soul King's existence was as critical as the captain said—and Nanao could not contradict his information, as data on the Soul King was very limited and highly restricted in the Seireitei library as well as the Twelfth Division database—then Aizen was threatening not only the Gotei 13 and the Soul King, but the order of the universe itself.

She breathed in deeply. The sun was higher now, and the air warmer. Even if the order was monstrous, she had a duty to the Gotei 13. Besides, surely Aizen's forces could not stand against the full might of Soul Society's captains? This order was based on a worst case scenario. She would likely never face this choice. Not that there was truly a choice, when an order came from Central 46.

Captain Kyōraku had chosen to stand against orders from Central 46, in the matter of Rukia Kuchiki's execution.

She pushed the thought away. Those orders had been false, and what Captain Kyōraku would do to stand against the execution of one person could not be compared to what he would do when presented with an order of this importance. Nanao knew her captain well. While he would prefer to avoid a fight and would try his hardest to get out of one, when he was in a battle that could not be avoided he would fight with utter ruthlessness. He cared nothing for style or perceptions of honor in battle when victory was necessary.

The first time she'd seen his eyes in a serious battle with several Menos Grande, she'd been frozen in place by the darkness staring out of his familiar eyes. He'd given her a small, sad smile and turned away from her to strike down two Gillians with one smooth movement. From that moment Nanao never doubted why he was a captain.

From that moment Nanao doubted that she could ever be a captain.

Now she was being presented with an opportunity to prove her command skills in leading all of Seireitei, but it was coupled with the possibility of giving an unimaginable order. _This is what it is to be a leader_ , she thought, and nodded her head. "I understand the order, sir."

Captain Yamamoto stared at her with his pinning eyes for a long minute. Apparently satisfied with what he saw, he nodded. "Very well then, Vice Captain Ise. Please return to your division. You will be alerted before the captains leave Soul Society, so that you can take up your command of Seireitei."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." Nanao bowed once, picked up her books, and walked out of First Division, feeling infinitely heavier than she had when she walked in. She almost laughed as it occurred to her that it would have been easier to go into battle.

"War exacts a heavy price," she whispered, and walked slowly to Eighth Division.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War.  Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

When Nanao arrived at the office it was still early. Division members had only begun to arrive, but this was not an unusual experience for Nanao—she was often the first to arrive at work. What was unusual was her inability to focus. She stacked the manuals from the First neatly in one corner of her desk, next to the new paperwork for the day, and began to read the top book.

She closed it with an irritated sigh when she realized she'd read the same line four times. Can I really do this? Am I ready for this? She left her desk to wander to the window. Shinigami were walking across the courtyard, exchanging greetings, trading paperwork, waving goodbyes. A pair of recent recruits practiced with wooden swords on a patch of grass away from the paths.

"I don't know," she whispered.

"What don't you know, Nanao-chan?" Captain Kyōraku's voice startled her, and she spun around to face the office door. He slid it closed behind him and stood there, watching her. His eyes were serious and his mouth straight. She knew immediately that he'd been informed that she would be staying behind in Seireitei while he went to battle. He was standing several feet away, but he was large and imposing when he wasn't being ridiculous, even with the straw hat and that pink haori.

"You're in early today," she said, and turned back to the window. It was hard to look at him and keep her professional demeanor intact when he seemed so serious. Even worse, she couldn't tell him about the order from Central 46.

"How could I stay in bed after hearing such important news about my Nanao-chan?" His steps forward were quiet, but Nanao stiffened with every movement.

"Did you know about this before?"

"No, not until this morning," he said, and then he was just behind her, looking out the window at the courtyard. She felt the warmth of him even through their clothes and the space between them.

"But you suspected."

A small pause. "I thought it was a possibility, yes, but I thought it more likely that he would leave his vice captain behind."

"But you didn't think to tell me about the possibility that it could be me?" Her words were clipped out and sharp.

"Nanao-chan, if I had told you that you might need to stay behind, you would have tried to plan and train for that possibility just as hard as you have planned and trained for the battle. I didn't want you to exhaust yourself unnecessarily just to prepare for tasks that you could very likely do with no preparation at all."

"I don't need to be prepared, because of my natural affinity for paperwork?" She finally looked at him as she snapped the words out, and her anger at being coddled faded as she saw the sad tiredness in his face. How many times had he experienced the preparations for battle, the surging of emotions before the fight, and the impossible weariness of always surviving? How many wars would be fought over two thousand years of life?

She was filled with sadness for him and embarrassment over her emotions and turned back to the window, putting her palms against the sill. "It was better that you didn't tell me. I was naïve about what the war would be."

"What do you mean, Nanao-chan?" He leaned his head against the wall, facing her profile as she stared out at the world.

"I thought that the things we've done would matter—that the training, and the research, and the extra kidō courses and first aid courses and all the work that we did—that our whole division did, without a word of complaint—that these things would make a difference in the war, that they would have some meaning. Instead the course of the coming battle and the whole war will be decided by the strength of a few people, by the might of the captains. I—" She stopped, clenched her hands on the windowsill.

He rested one large hand on her shoulder. "Nanao-chan—"

"No," she said, and shook off his hand, spinning to face him. "And I'm sorry. When I think of all the training sessions I made you lead, all the lectures and courses I made you attend, when you would have been better off laying in a field somewhere sleeping for all the difference it will make in the battle. You would have enjoyed it more, at least."

She rubbed at her temples in frustration, blinked away the tingle of tears. "Why did you let me? Why did you let me load up the division's schedule with training that wouldn't matter? Why did you let me force you to events that will be so unimportant?" She looked up at him, her face naked with her sadness and anger and shame, and he crossed the distance between them, standing close with his hands on her shoulders.

"Nanao-chan. That training, those courses, they weren't unimportant. They were important to you and they gave our troops a sense of purpose. Everyone has improved their strength in this time. That's because of you, and it does matter. Not every war is the same. Sometimes preparations like yours can make an impact on the outcome, especially in extended conflicts."

He tipped her face up from where she stared at her hands clasped in front of her. "I am glad that this war will likely be decided in one battle. There are few things more terrible than leading your troops into battle after battle, knowing that most of them will die, and then watching it happen, unable to stop it."

She watched his eyes harden and darken with remembered pains. Sometimes, in the depths of the night, she would entertain the idea that she could have a romantic relationship with this man; dream that he loved her in truth and that they could grow as close as two souls can be. At other moments, like this one, she felt the gulf of years and experience between them so keenly that she was certain he had never thought of her as anything but baby Nanao-chan, the youngest girl in their division, and that teasing her about his affections was only a small game to pass his endless time.

Nanao pulled away from his touch, moving to stand beside her desk. "I'm sorry."

"About dragging me to training? I would do anything to spend time with my beautiful Nanao-chan." He deliberately misunderstood her, avoiding talk of the past. She'd expected nothing less, but it was still disappointing.

"You refused to go each time and made me threaten you."

He grinned at her. It did not quite reach his eyes. "I was just extending the pleasure of my Nanao-chan's company."

"You won't be enjoying my company when you go to Karakura town."

"No, I won't." The smile fell off his face. He moved to the seating area between their two desks. Some other divisions, like the Sixth and the Second, had separate offices for their captain and vice captain, but the office in the Eighth had always been a shared one, for all of Nanao's time at the division. He sank down into the sofa, the picture of relaxation, but his eyes stayed serious.

"Are you glad I won't be with you?"

"Yare, yare, Nanao-chan, talk about a trap."

She stalked across the floor to stand in front of him. The straw hat was hiding his eyes so she tipped it back lightly, just enough for it to fall off his head. It bounced onto the floor and rolled drunkenly before flopping to a stop. He might rebuke her for that, but she would be grateful for a fight to put them into more comfortable territory. She crossed her arms under her breasts. "Please answer the question, sir."

"I'm glad that you'll be safe here. I'm glad that I won't have to worry about my Nanao-chan's health while I am in battle."

"You don't think I'm capable in combat?" Nanao built up her icy anger, letting it crowd out the sadness and the hurt that this conversation caused her.

"Sit down, Nanao-chan." He patted a spot next to him on the sofa. Nanao nearly refused, but it would be childish to do so and she already felt her lack of years and experience strongly. She sat.

"You are good in combat, Nanao-chan, but you've never faced enemies like this. Battles of this type are very different from the Hollow hunting you've done in the past. So yes, I am glad to have you out of this fight, so that I will know with certainty that you are still alive in Seireitei."

"You speak as if most of the other vice captains that are going to battle have a great wealth of wartime experience, but you know that's not true, either." She watched him run a hand down his face and sigh.

"Frankly, I don't believe the presence of the vice captains will have a real impact on the outcome of the battle. It may save the captains some fighting at the beginning, but there is little possibility of a vice captain standing against the Espada or Aizen, Gin, and Tousen. And those are the battles that will really matter to the final outcome."

Nanao nodded and looked down at her hands. They were small and unscarred, just as all of her body was; her captain had always been exceptionally careful with her missions, and she was never hurt if he could prevent it.

He drew her right hand into his left. His hand dwarfed hers; it was tanned, with brown hairs furring the back, and there were several faint white scars visible on it when Nanao looked closely.

"This isn't the combat experience I want you to have. I don't want you to be easy prey for an Espada. I don't want you come out of this with new red scars and nightmares. I want you to be safe, Nanao-chan." His eyes were dark and searching on hers. That intensity he had was showing again, and it was hard for her to remember to breathe.

Her voice was soft when she reminded him, "Captain Kyōraku, I am a soldier of the Gotei 13. I am a vice captain. I must enter battle sometimes, and I must gain experience if I am to be of real use to you."

"You will gain experience in this war, valuable command experience. Yama-jii must have told you that he chose you over all the other vice captains for this. It's not nothing, precious."

She looked down at their joined hands and shook her head. It wasn't nothing, but it wasn't what she wanted, either, not really—not with the order from Central 46 that she couldn't tell him about stuck in her throat. She swallowed hard.

"You are already of use to me; you are an excellent vice captain. You are very important to me, Nanao. Never doubt that." He pulled the hand he held up to press it against his cheek. She felt the brush of his whiskers as he swept her hand to his mouth and kissed it.

She pulled away immediately, rising from the sofa and moving to stand behind her desk. "You say that to all the women."

He watched her with a small smile and sad eyes. "There are no other women like my Nanao-chan."

"I have a kidō course to teach in twenty minutes. Please excuse me, Captain Kyōraku." She stepped out of the office, hugging a kidō manual tightly to her chest, as if it could press back the aching in her heart.


	3. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War.  Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

It was deep in the night that the alarm came, when the only shinigami out in the streets were the ones on patrol. Even the most party-loving people had curtailed their evening activities in recent weeks.

Shunsui had received not only the memo that went out to the divisions recommending "a strong focus on training and preparation, and a reduction in all nocturnal diversions which reduce the readiness of our forces," but also a personal reminder from Yama-jii that they would be going to war any day now and Shunsui had better not be passed out in a bar in the Rukongai when the order came down.

So he was drinking at home instead.

Nanao would certainly be annoyed with him if she knew.

But then she was already annoyed with him—no, perhaps not annoyed precisely, but upset? Disillusioned? She'd avoided him since their talk in the morning, and he'd allowed that, retreating from the office to visit with Ukitake at the Thirteenth, knowing from past experiences with her that it was best to let her work through her emotions on her own. Then she would reestablish the footing of their relationship, usually sliding back several steps towards the professional and away from the personal.

Very rarely she would allow a small change in their relationship. He accepted any opportunities that moved him closer to her without causing her panic. It was a delicate dance but he did it well. Usually. He'd pressed her too far today when he'd told her how important she was to him.

Even as he said the words he'd known it was too much for her, but he was going to war in days and her emotions had been so exposed that he'd needed to comfort her. He grinned without amusement and lifted his sake dish in a toast to the moon. Some comfort. She likely wouldn't really speak to him for a week.

A hell butterfly flitted across the moon and around his dish, seeking a finger to land on. He knew what the message would be before he heard it—all captains and other selected officers please report for deployment to the false Karakura town.

Shunsui drank the last of the sake in his dish and slid the jug into his sash. He took a last look at the moon and allowed himself a moment of regret that he would not see Nanao again until this was over. A few blades of grass ruffled when he stepped into shunpo, and then he was gone.

* * *

  
Nanao stared at the ceiling of her quarters without interest. She was tired, but sleep was evasive. She could hear her captain's voice in her head, over and over, saying " _You are_ _very important to me, Nanao."_

He'd been serious, she didn't doubt that. She could hear the sincerity in his voice each time it replayed in her mind. His face had been open and gentle, his hand warm and firm on hers.

 _"You are very important to me, Nanao."_ It was true, and because he meant the words she'd been scared and run away, taking refuge in their normal banter. She winced a little, remembering what she'd said about him and women, and how disappointed he'd looked. It was wrong of her to say something like that to him when he'd been so genuine.

 _"You are very important to me, Nanao."_ Yes, but in what way? He'd been praising her as a vice captain moments before. Did he mean she was important to him at work? She knew that was true, but didn't really believe he'd been thinking of her professionally in that moment.

 _"You are very important to me, Nanao."_ If he'd definitely been talking about her personally, how was she important to him? Did he think of her as cute baby Nanao-chan, in the way she sometimes worried that he did? She was so much younger than him, and he was so overprotective, it was possible.

If he did think of himself as a father figure to her, he'd done a terrible job of being one for her. Even when she'd actually _been_ a child, after Vice Captain Yadōmaru disappeared, he'd never seemed fatherly to her. Of course he'd been gentle with her when he told her that Vice Captain Yadōmaru was not coming back. He'd let her sit with him for several hours without speaking, him drinking his way through a bottle of sake slowly, and her running her hands over the cover of the book she and Vice Captain Yadōmaru had been reading together.

After she'd finally accepted what he'd said, her eyes had been filled with tears. She'd thanked him formally for telling her the truth. He'd looked worried and moved to hug her, but she stepped away, thanked him again, and left for her quarters.

Even then, emotions were very difficult for her, and she'd been relieved in the time following that he hadn't tried to transfer her to a squad with a female officer to baby her, and that he never seemed to pay her particular attention unless he saw her perform particularly well in kidō or combat training. His ridiculous, flowery praise annoyed and embarrassed her, but that was just Captain Kyōraku being himself.

When she'd gotten older, as a seated officer, she'd realized that he must have manipulated the patrol schedules so that she would always be on an easy patrol with experienced officers. That had bothered her, but not too much, because it was not different from how he treated the other female members of the division after Vice Captain Yadōmaru disappeared. That didn't make it right, but it was normal.

If father figure was what he'd been going for with her then he'd missed by several miles.

That didn't mean he'd be a bad father, though. He'd probably be a loving, playful and attentive father to his children. After so many years of life, any new experience was bound to hold his interest for a long time. Especially when it involved something that he'd made—he was so proud of all his poetry efforts and his serialized novel, even if no one read it.  
Of course, he'd be so permissive with his children that it would be critical for someone provide them with routine and discipline. Developing a clear schedule would be necessary, so that—

"I did not think about that. I did not. It was just a result of that line of speculation and my natural organizational tendencies. That's all."

Nanao thought of oceans, of falling winter snow, of glacial rivers, anything that would soothe the mortifying burning of her face and chest. No one knew what she'd thought. It was secret and safe. She breathed in and out deeply.

 _"You are very important to me, Nanao."_ As a woman, then. But there'd been so many women before her. How could she stand against the legions of her predecessors? Even if there weren't so many in the past, what would she do when the inevitable happened and he lost interest in Nanao? Watching a new parade of women march in and out of his arms would be unbearable.

Nanao almost allowed herself to believe sometimes that her captain's frequent declarations of love for her were genuine. But even if he loved her today, that didn't mean he would love her tomorrow. Nanao could not risk letting her fragile and secret dreams come to life only to have them shattered by his eventual disregard.

"This is pointless," she whispered. She threw off her covers and padded across the room, sliding open the door to the small garden. The garden was private, shared between the vice captain's and the captain's quarters at the division. Captain Kyōraku was not here. While he used these quarters occasionally, he had his own house in Seireitei.

She craned her neck at the moon. It was full and glowing and she was certain that Captain Kyōraku was sitting on his porch, drinking and writing poems in the silver light. She felt an urge to go to him and set their relationship to rights, but he might be in a romantic mood from the moon and the sake, and she couldn't bear to be teased right now. Even worse, he might still be in a serious mood, and she couldn't stand the way his eyes would see too much of her when he was really looking.

No, tomorrow she would straighten things out between the two of them and make everything light and normal again. Tomorrow—

But a hell butterfly skimmed the edges of the moon, coming down on her. She listened to the message, and then ran into her quarters, looking for her clothes. There would be no tomorrow.

* * *

  
Ukitake was already at the senkaimon when Shunsui arrived. A few of the vice captains milled around and Soi Fon stood alone with her arms crossed and her lips tight, as if daring anyone to approach her.

Shunsui sauntered over to his oldest friend. Ukitake raised one eyebrow at the sake tucked in his sash.

"I didn't think it'd be tonight," he said, patting the sake jug. "But it seemed like a good idea to bring it along. We'll probably want it before this is done."

"You may be right." They watched people arrive, the mood subdued. Even the men from the Eleventh were quieter than usual. "Did you speak to Ise-san?"

"No. I was giving her space." He sighed.

Ukitake gave him a sympathetic look. "At least she's not coming to the fight with us."

"There is that."

Yama-jii and Vice Captain Sasakibe appeared in the crowd, Yama-jii speaking and the other man making quick notes in a small book.

"It won't be long now," Shunsui said. He felt the resignation that always came to him before a serious fight—whatever it took to defeat the enemy, he would do it; no matter the toll to him, he would protect Soul Society, his division, his friends, and his—

But she was there suddenly, out of breath and a little disheveled. "Nanao-chan?"

"Captain. I wanted to see you before you left," she said. She straightened the lines of her uniform.

"Excuse me. I need to talk to Captain Soi Fon for a moment." Ukitake nodded to Nanao and strode away towards Soi Fon, who looked as unapproachable as before. Shunsui would have to thank him for his friendship and sacrifice later.

But now he was alone with his Nanao, and she seemed nervous and faintly guilty. "Sweet Nanao-chan, have you come to declare your love for me before I leave?" He leaned towards her, making a silly kissy-face.

She scowled. "Of course not," she said, but she pushed his mouth back from hers gently, with the palm of her hand. She looked away from him and to the Kidō Corps members opening the gate.

He pressed a kiss into her hand and moved it to cradle his cheek. She pulled it out of his grasp and glanced around at the gathered officers.

"I'm going to come back soon, Nanao-chan."

She scowled up at him, but her eyes were worried. "You'd better. I'm going to save a backlog of work for you."

"That's mean, Nanao-chan! But I could never leave my lovely Nanao-chan alone for very long," he sing-songed. He stroked a hand down her arm, surprised she didn't stop him with a fan before he touched her. She must really be worried about him. "It's going to be alright, sweetheart," he said in a low, serious tone that wouldn't reach the others.

Now she did knock his hand away. "Don't call me that," she said, but the rebuke sounded absent. She fussed with her sash and then hesitantly pulled something small out of a sleeve, wrapping her hand around it before he could see what it was. "Here, this is for you." She held her hand out, looking away from his face.

He opened her hand and took out a small case covered in silk and embroidered with a delicate cherry blossom pattern. "Nanao-chan? Did you do this yourself?"

She nodded, still looking at the gate. "It's for your hairpins or small things."

"It's so beautiful. Thank you, Nanao-chan." He'd known she liked to do traditional embroidery, but she was private about it and he hadn't seen a finished piece like this up closely before. Gifts from her were never this personal.

"If you spill something on it, it'll be ruined," she said, eyeing the sake in his sash.

"I'll treasure it, Nanao-chan." He turned the case over in his hands, admiring the life she'd put into the flowers. He wanted to look at it in the daylight when he could really see the colors.

She nodded again, finally meeting his eyes. "Captain, I—"

Yama-jii interrupted her, coming to stand next to Shunsui with a solid _thump_ from his cane. "We will be moving out now. I leave the Gotei 13 in your hands, Vice Captain Ise. You have your orders."

Nanao swallowed hard, nodded. "Yes, sir."

Sasakibe was already herding the other officers through the gate. Yama-jii began to walk away. "Come along, Shunsui."

"We'll talk when I get back, Nanao-chan." He looked into her eyes, trying to say without words the things she wasn't willing to hear.

"Be careful," was all she said, but her eyes said much more.

Shunsui turned away from her and entered the gate, leaving Nanao alone with the moon in the wakeful night.


	4. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War.  Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever?  Canon compliant through manga chapter 423. 

The first day of Nanao's command was easy. She sat at the captain commander's desk at First Division, answering hell butterflies and meeting with officers from various divisions. The Third Seat of the Fourth Division brought by a preliminary triage squads plan that Captain Unohana had drawn up. Nanao found it to be in good shape, but added a few efficiencies to the staging plans to make the entry to false Karakura faster.

In the middle of the afternoon she was called down to the Tenth Division—apparently, the Eleventh Division was undisciplined and antsy without any of their higher ranking officers, and had decided to declare war on the Tenth for unknown reasons.

Nanao cooled their enthusiasm for fighting with the same water wave kidō she'd used at the Eighth's roof-burning summer party. She finished off their enthusiasm entirely by noting that she had the authority to designate them as research subjects for the Twelfth Division if they persisted in their private war.

The Eleventh relented, apparently preferring retreat from a fight to a visit to the Twelfth. Nanao couldn't blame them; the Eleventh might be full of hardened warriors, but the Twelfth was full of twisted scientists. Avoiding any dealings with them was just good sense.

Nanao apologized for soaking the division's courtyard, but the shinigami of the Tenth were surprisingly sanguine about the wetness. Apparently, it frequently snowed at the Tenth when Captain Hitsugaya sparred. "It gets really cold sometimes, too," a cheerful officer told her. "I keep a scarf and extra clothes in my desk, just in case."

After returning to the office at First Division, Nanao approved shinigami patrol schedules for the next month from all divisions except one, and then sent a note to the Eleventh that she had not received their patrol schedule and there was certainly still time for her to contact the Twelfth about some newly volunteered subjects. She received a brief but polite note back from the Sixth Seat that the patrol schedule would be sent along in the morning.

Maybe Captain Kyōraku was right and she hadn't needed any preparation for this set of duties. The thought made her smile a little, but it faded when she wondered what he would be doing right now. Maybe he was eating. It was past time for an evening meal, and Nanao imagined her captain camped out under the stars, talking with Captain Ukitake and Rangiku, eating and drinking and laughing.

The scene stabbed her a little, because she was not in it. She rubbed her chest absently. It was getting late. She left First Division, intending to head home to her quarters at the Eighth, but instead found herself at the gate to Captain Kyōraku's house.

It wasn't breaking in, precisely—Nanao had a standing invitation from her captain to come to his house anytime she wanted—though she rarely came here. She walked through part of his garden, which was much larger and finer than the one they shared at the Eighth. Absently she picked up the discarded sake dish sitting on the portion of his wrap-around porch overlooking his back garden and slid open the door to bring it inside.

His home was like him—warm and somewhat messy. Over his long life he'd collected trinkets, musical instruments, books, art—all manner of things that appealed to his sensibilities—and those items were displayed with varying amounts of care throughout his house. In the same way, he'd collected architectural flourishes and details—he had a particular fondness for windows—from different cultures he'd seen and added them to his home. His house was eclectic, large, and charming, rather like the man himself.

She stood still for a few minutes, breathing in his scent, that mix of the outdoors and his own musk she knew so well. This was his autumn scent. He spent so much time laying in the grass and lounging under trees that he smelled a little differently in each season.

"Heavens forbid he should ever smell of paper and ink," she said, but without heat.

She spent a good hour straightening his house, washing the dishes he hadn't remembered to clean before he left, shelving the books stacked haphazardly in a corner, neatly arranging the piles of papers scattered around the house on his low desk and into categories—Poetry, Novel, Correspondence, Work, and Nanao.

The Work pile was the smallest. Nanao was the largest. She did not read the papers past a glance to see her name and "luscious" "lovely" "sweet" or "breasts." Really, his writing was not the kind of literature she ordinarily enjoyed.

There was a pile forming of stray clothes she'd found in various parts of the house, so she went into his bedroom to put them with the rest of his laundry for pickup by the Fourth Division. His futon was out, the blanket messy, and she wondered if he'd failed to sleep well last night or if he just never bothered to put it away.

She straightened the bed, smoothing the covers to a crisp neatness, centering the pillows neatly. Her hand stroked across the fabric and she snapped it back to her side, glancing around the room guiltily, as if someone would appear and berate her for the action.

The night slipped down slowly over the sky. In the dim and empty room, Nanao felt the yearning of her secret dreams, and in a low voice she said "Shunsui," just once, to taste it on her lips.

*****

The second day of her command saw the battle begin in false Karakura and the shattering of all her secret dreams as nightmares unfolded before her eyes on a monitor in an icy room in Twelfth Division.

"What are your orders, Vice Captain Ise?" The smirking officer of the Kidō Corps was nearly shouting at her now.

Nanao glanced at the main screen and saw Kisuke Urahara engaged with Aizen. "We wait."

"That man is not a member of the Gotei 13. The orders from Central 46 have no contingency for persons unknown entering this battle. So again I will ask you, what are your orders, Vice Captain Ise?"

The tension in the room was thick. Nanao knew she walked on the bare edge of her orders from Central 46, but she could not activate the soul-destroying machines now, not when there was still the chance Aizen would fall. What did it matter if he fell to the shinigami or to Kisuke Urahara?

"We will wait. My orders were very specific. It is not yet necessary to act on them." Nanao kept her voice clipped and cold. She raised one eyebrow, daring the obnoxious little man from the Kidō Corps to contradict her. What was his name? It had faded into a faint buzzing as she'd focused on more critical matters.

He scowled but said nothing.

She turned back to the viewing monitor and stopped breathing when Aizen cut through the three outsiders fighting him.

"Vice Captain Ise! You must give the order now!" The vice captain of the Kidō Corps shouted at her from across the room. He was red-faced and breathing heavily. Nanao thought absently that he could really benefit from some courses in the tea ceremony or flower arrangement to help him develop patience.

She glanced at the monitor again. "Ichigo Kurosaki is still standing. We will wait."

"You don't have the authority to wait! The order is from the Central 46! There is no latitude for your personal judgment," the small man yelled. He strode across the room, his finger pointed rudely at Nanao. "You must give this order. There is no choice!"

Aizen stepped into a gate on the large screen, and the room broke out in fearful whispers, dozens of eyes flickering between Nanao and the screen.

"I will not give the order while the Kurosaki boy is still standing," Nanao said.

"If you will not do your duty, then I will! Aizen must be stopped!" He grabbed for one of the microphones linked to the machine operators waiting on the outskirts of Soul Society just outside Karakura town.

"Bakudō number 61: Rikujōkōrō!"

The vice captain of the Kidō Corps was so shocked by Nanao's attack he just gaped at her from inside the light bars of the binding kidō. "What the hell are you doing?"

Nanao ignored him; she was already whispering the words for a stronger binding, and as he began to struggle against the kidō on him, she shouted the final words: "Bakudō number 99: Kin!"

The rods of light broke off the small man as his arms snapped behind his back, wrapped in thick ribbon bindings. He fell to the floor and writhed against the kidō, but Nanao was certain that it would hold. She glanced around the room to see if there would be any further challenges.

The shinigami appeared stunned by this turn of events; Nanao knew that only she and the Kidō Corps officer were aware of the orders from Central 46. Captain Yamamoto had informed the Kidō Corps officers of the orders so that they could be mobilized to operate the soul-killing machines, if needed.

No one else in the room seemed inclined to argue with her, so she turned her head back to watch the monitor. Ichigo Kurosaki and the older man with him stepped through a gate to Soul Society.

"You'll be brought up on treason charges for this!" The vice captain of the Kidō Corps continued to shout threats from his position on the floor.

"Do you have cameras in the real Karakura town?" Nanao asked the large-headed technician.

"We don't."

"Send a message to the Secret Remote Squad to get some observation squads on Aizen and Ichigo Kurosaki. I want to know what's happening out there."

"You won't get away with this, you bitch! Everyone knows you only have your position because you're sleeping with your captain! You don't deserve to be in command of anything!"

Nanao leaned down over the shouting man. Her right hand was lit up with crackling lightning kidō and her left hand pulled off her glasses. When she spoke it was in a cool, even tone. "Perhaps you have not noticed, but we are still in the middle of combat operations. I am still in command of the Gotei 13. And whatever may happen after these events are over, that does not concern me presently. It is my duty to the Gotei 13 to do my best to support their battle from this position. It is my duty as a shinigami to protect the human souls in Karakura town. Whatever the Central 46 has demanded of me, I will not act on their orders until there are no other choices left. Now, you are interfering with the operations of this command post. You will cease immediately."

She lifted her right hand, letting the lightning snap. The vice captain of the Kidō Corps opened and closed his mouth several times, but he did not speak again.

"If you wish to file a formal complaint against me later, you are welcome to do so," Nanao said, letting the kidō in her hand burn out and replacing her glasses on her nose. "Has the Secret Remote Squad checked in yet?"

The technician in front of her had his eyeball cranked out again. "They report that Ichigo Kurosaki has engaged Aizen in battle. Aizen appears to have taken another form."

"I see. Please keep me updated." Nanao stood with her hands clasped behind her back. She was taking an enormous risk, pinning so much hope on one young boy, but she remembered what Captain Yamamoto had told her on the day he relayed the orders from Central 46: _"In fact, I am sending a contingent of shinigami to Hueco Mundo tomorrow… Their mission is to weaken the Espada, gather information, and secure the return of Ichigo Kurosaki to the battlefield."_ There must be something unique about Ichigo Kurosaki for the captain commander to specifically mention the boy. Nanao was certain there was some intent behind the words.

Those captains who had not appeared in the battle against Aizen: Kuchiki, Zaraki, and Kurotsuchi, would they have made a difference? If it was so important that the Kurosaki boy come to the battlefield over these three powerful captains there must be a reason.

"Deploy the triage teams from the Fourth Division into the false Karakura town." Nanao's order was conveyed through both Secret Remote Squad messengers and hell butterflies. It was a risk, sending healing squads out before the battle was over, but Nanao was confident that Aizen would not return to the fake Karakura; he had no reason to do so.

She turned to the half-dozen shinigami officers in the back of the room. "If you wish to go to the gate with the triage teams to assist your division members to the Fourth, you may do so. Please remember that all conversations and events that occurred inside this command post are to be kept confidential and discussed only in your formal reports to First Division."

Kiyone nodded to her, tears shimmering in her eyes. "Thank you, Nanao-san," she said, and then she and Kotsubaki were out of the room, running to the gate for Captain Ukitake.

Nanao watched them go, envious. She wanted to run to Captain Kyōraku, but she had her duty here, and Nanao did not neglect duty. Even if she would probably be thrown out of the Gotei 13 for her actions today, she must do her best to fulfill her responsibilities. _Now is not the time_ , she thought, and leaned over the technician. He looked up at her with his cranked-out eye.

"What is the status of the battle?"

"It appears Ichigo Kurosaki may have won. The Secret Remote Squad is unable to get close, due to an extremely powerful attack that Kurosaki-san released."

Nanao curled her hands around the monitor console. She felt that hope in her chest rising higher and pressing against her reason, allowing her to believe that maybe the Kurosaki boy could defeat Aizen, that all of the sacrifices by the shinigami in false Karakura would not be in vain, and that Nanao would not have to destroy the souls of one hundred thousand people.

She tried to think of what Captain Kyōraku would do in this situation, but all she could picture was his face in the Karakura battle, with that ruthless darkness radiating from his eyes. Nanao did not want to know what he would have done.

She could only move forward with what she had done, whatever the consequences might be.

"Aizen is down! Aizen is down! Kisuke Urahara has appeared on the site! The battle is over!" The technician's eyeball flopped up and down on its crank as the room exploded into shouts.

Nanao felt a surge of relief. Suddenly her hands were shaking, her whole body was shaking, and she slid, boneless, to the floor. She clasped her hands together. "Send out word to all divisions and the Rukongai, as well as to the triage teams in false Karakura. Tell them that Aizen has been defeated by Ichigo Kurosaki. Tell them that the war is over."


	5. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War.  Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever?  Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

The gate between Soul Society and the false Karakura bustled with activity. Triage teams streamed in and out, hurrying to aid Captain Unohana with healing in false Karakura, returning to the Fourth Division with wounded shinigami on stretchers. Soldiers from other divisions provided additional muscle as needed. Overall, it appeared to Nanao that the triage plans were functioning well two and a half hours into the recovery effort.

She walked over to one of the Fourth Division officers coordinating the entrances and exits of the triage teams. "How are things working here? Do you need additional support?"

"Things are going as smoothly as can be expected. The support from other divisions has been great," the female officer said, looking up from her clipboard.

Nanao nodded. "Has Vice Captain Sasakibe returned yet?"

"He'll be returning soon. The captain commander will require a lot of additional stabilization in false Karakura, so Vice Captain Sasakibe is returning to Soul Society in advance of him." The small woman turned to shout at a triage team rushing towards the gate. "Make certain you retrieve any lost limbs for reattachment!"

The triage team entered the gate and disappeared into the blinding light. "Will you be able to reattach the dismembered limbs?" Nanao asked, curious.

"It depends on how they were lost, the condition of the limb, and how quickly we can begin the kidō surgery. Truthfully only the higher ranking officers of our division can do work like that successfully. We're going to be really busy for the next few weeks."

"I see. Ah, could you please tell me if Captain Kyōraku has returned yet?"

The woman flipped through some pages on her clipboard. "Yes, he was brought to the Fourth about fifty minutes ago. He was stable with no limb dismemberment."

"Thank you," Nanao said. _He's not dead._ She nodded to the woman and moved slightly away from the gate, to avoid being an obstacle. Although the desire to go to the Fourth immediately and see Captain Kyōraku was strong she did not move. Nanao was still in command of the Gotei 13.

Until she could report in to Vice Captain Sasakibe and be relieved of her command, duty must come before anything else. She dreaded telling him of the events of earlier today, when she had both disobeyed an order from the Central 46 and attacked an officer of the Kidō Corps.

The gate flared and Sasakibe walked out alone. He looked nearly the same as he had when he'd left, just a little dustier.  
Nanao stepped towards him. "Sasakibe-san. I hope you are well."

"Thank you, Ise-san. I am well. How are things here?"

"The triage plans are functioning as intended. I've left a log of my other activities during my command at the First Division office. Would you like me to report now?" She walked with him towards the First.

"Unless there is some pressing matter that will impact command going forward, I would prefer to wait for your full written report, if you do not mind, Ise-san. There are some preparations necessary for the captain commander's arrival that I need to see to." Now that Nanao was next to him, she could see the dark circles under his eyes and the deep lines of weariness around his mouth.

"I do not mind Sasakibe-san. I will prepare my written report and have it sent to First Division as soon as I can." Nanao was careful to keep her tone even and professional, although she felt a wave of relief wash over her. At least she would not be arrested for a few days. She would be able to stay with Captain Kyōraku at the Fourth.

"Under the circumstances, as long as we have a completed report within the next few days, there is not a rush."

Nanao nodded. "Thank you, Sasakibe-san."

"If there is nothing else, Ise-san, I will relieve you of the command of the Gotei 13. Thank you for your excellent service during this difficult time."

"Thank you, Sasakibe-san. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance." Nanao bowed and said goodbye, then flashed into shunpo towards the Fourth.

She entered the hospital at the Fourth and stepped into a low-grade hurricane. Shinigami rushed through the halls, barely avoiding collisions. Members of the Eleventh argued in the waiting room over who would see Captain Zaraki first, a few of them coming to blows. Officers from other divisions, including the Eighth, talked loudly, opening drinking sake.

A timid looking man Nanao recognized as a Fourteenth Seat of the Fourth was talking to the room. "Um, this isn't really a good day to visit. Captain Zaraki and the other members of the Eleventh will be released soon, and we have a lot of patients today, so if you could just—"  
A few of the men from the Eleventh leered at him and reached their hands towards their swords.

"May I?" Nanao asked, tapping the Fourteenth Seat on the shoulder.

"Oh, Vice Captain Ise, please, go ahead," he said, shrinking away from the waiting room.

Nanao whistled loudly. The occupants of the room all turned their heads towards her. "Good afternoon. I know you all wish to visit your injured officers, and I am certain that they would appreciate the sentiment. However, wounded shinigami are still being brought in from the battle and the Fourth Division is extremely busy today. If you would like to leave notes or packages for your officers here, I will have them delivered. For the sake of the health of the injured, the Fourth Division would be grateful if you would all return to your divisions and visit at a later date."

Most of the room emptied at her words, several people stacking items onto a chair that Nanao indicated. She nodded to room, pleased. With a gesture she drew aside a member of the Eighth and then requested that he have report supplies sent over for her use and inform the division that Third Seat Enjōji was to remain in charge at the Eighth, although she would be available here if they had important questions. The officer nodded and left for the Eighth.

Only members of the Eleventh remained in the room, though they cowered slightly under Nanao's glare. "It is not too late to send the Twelfth new volunteers for medical testing," she said.

The room emptied completely in seconds.

"Oh wow," the Fourteenth Seat whispered. "Vice Captain Ise, that was amazing. Thank you. I was afraid those guys were going to destroy the waiting room and maybe me, too."

"If I may make a recommendation? When dealing with the Eleventh Division, remember that there are three things they are all afraid of: Twelfth Division experiments, your Captain Unohana, and their own Vice Captain Kusajishi. Those three things are the most effective levers to get their members to behave properly."

"Wow. I'll have to try that out. Well, at least tell the higher seats about it, in case they want to try it out."

 

Nanao nodded. "If you have the time, I would appreciate it if you could direct me to Captain Kyōraku's room."

The Fourteenth Seat hesitated.

"Naturally, if I am here, I will make myself available to assist with any disruptions that may occur, so that the Fourth can conduct their important work uninterrupted."

The young officer's face brightened at the thought of having Nanao face down any further visitors from the Eleventh. "It's no problem at all, Vice Captain Ise. I can take you to Captain Kyōraku's room right now. He is not actively receiving treatment."

He led Nanao through the corridors of the Fourth and up to the third floor. Outside of a room, he stopped and picked up a clipboard, flipping through the pages. "The triage team suggested that Captain Kyōraku could wait for further treatments until he wakes up from sedation, since he is stable now and his wounds are in relatively fair shape. If he wakes up, please keep him still, because although the wounds are closed, they could easily reopen. Ah, he will likely not have the use of his right arm for a time because of the location of one of the sword wounds. He's also had a head injury due to heavy impact. He may be disoriented. Please tell someone when he does wake up so we can check him."

"Thank you." Nanao nodded to the Fourteenth Seat and entered the hospital room. The light in this room was dim, and she realized there were no lamps on yet. The sun was dipping low outside the window. Captain Kyōraku lay on his stomach, his head turned towards the window.

She walked around the room, turning on the lamps on the side of the room away from the window. When she was satisfied that the room was bright enough for her to work on her report to First Division but would not disturb Captain Kyōraku, she reluctantly approached the bed.  
His chestnut hair was badly tangled, some of it still wrapped in his hair tie and some of it loose and crusted with dried blood. One of his hairpins still stuck out of the hair tie, but the other had fallen out and gotten caught in a knot at the back of his head. It would take a serious washing and a lot of effort to straighten out the mess of his hair. Nanao extracted the hairpin in his hair tie and carefully worked the other out of his hair, succeeding after several minutes.

She set them on the bedside table. When she smoothed the hair overhanging his face back, her breath caught. His left temple and cheek were bruised purple and black. He must have tried to break his fall after Aizen cut through him, but judging from the damage to his face and the bandages wrapped up his left hand and arm, he hadn't totally succeeded.

His back was completely covered in bandages down to where the blanket came up over his waist. He hadn't died, but he'd come much too close to it for Nanao's comfort.

"You idiot. You unbelievable idiot," she said, bending over his face. Her captain did not stir.

She brushed one hand lightly over an unbruised spot on his jaw. "You idiot," she whispered, and blinked back tears.

At the sound of footsteps in the hall she jerked upright. A soft knock at the door followed and she walked over to open it. It was an unranked shinigami from the Eighth with her report supplies. He tried to catch a glimpse of Captain Kyōraku over her shoulder.

Nanao thanked him for the supplies, and seeing worry as well as curiosity in his face, she said: "Please inform the division that although the captain's injuries are quite serious, he will recover. As soon as he is well enough, we'll come to the division, perhaps have a small party. I'll let the Third Seat know when that will be. Until then, if everyone could please refrain from visiting him here at the Fourth, that would be for the best. You must have noticed how busy it is here."

He nodded.

"The captain will be fine. I am going to stay here with him and make sure he receives all appropriate care."

He smiled at her words. "Thanks, Vice Captain Ise. I'll let everyone know."

After the division member left, Nanao closed the door and carried the report supplies to the chair beside the bed in the lit side of the room. There wasn't an appropriate table to work on, so she decided to go borrow one from the Fourth.

"I'll be right back," she said, leaning over the bed.

In the hall Nanao cornered a harried looking nurse. She told Nanao there was a table that Nanao could take from the staff room, if she wanted. The nurse's stomach growled while she was talking and she pressed her hands over it in embarrassment.

"Have you eaten dinner yet?" Nanao asked.

"No, there's just no time to go down to the mess hall. Please excuse me, Vice Captain Ise."

The nurse ran off down the corridor and Nanao frowned. How many members of the Fourth were not eating? It was now approaching eight o'clock in the evening and the Fourth had been working hard since early afternoon. It wouldn't do for the healers to go without food, even if they were taking their energy pills. Nanao extracted the location of the mess hall from another nurse carrying a huge mound of bandages and headed in that direction.

At the mess hall, she spoke to the woman in charge and arranged for trays of sandwiches and pots of soup to be delivered to all of the staff rooms in the hospital with appropriate dishes and utensils. Nanao thought for a few minutes, and then made further arrangements. Similar simple meals were to be delivered to the staff rooms at regular intervals tomorrow. She might be overstepping her authority, but Nanao believed it was important enough to risk a future rebuke from Captain Unohana.

Heading back upstairs, she stopped at a nurse's station on each floor to let them know that food would be available in all staff rooms soon and asked that they spread that news to other members of the Fourth. She also inquired into the status of the other wounded shinigami. Captain Kyōraku would want updates about his friends when he woke up.

By the time she returned to Captain Kyōraku's room with her borrowed table and a couple of the sandwiches she'd taken from the mess hall nearly an hour had passed. She yawned widely and sat back in the chair. Weariness washed over her. The past few days had stressed her severely, and it wasn't as if she'd gotten a lot of rest with the weight of the secret orders from Central 46 and her fears for Captain Kyōraku's life hanging over her head.

With a sigh Nanao straightened the report supplies on the table and picked up her brush. She had no doubt that the awful vice captain of the Kidō Corps would rush to report her crimes in the command post to First Division. Her formal report, complete, accurate and timely, might be the only real defense she could muster.

But it wasn't really much of a defense to admit to disobeying the Central 46 and using kidō to bind a fellow officer.

Certainly she would be punished. Most likely she would be stripped of her rank, but beyond that, Nanao wasn't sure. Would they put her in Maggot's Nest, the prison that the Second Division maintained? Did her crimes warrant exile from Soul Society or perhaps even execution?  
She rubbed a hand over her temple. Again she wondered what her captain would have done in her place, and what he would think of her actions when he found out. Since the confidentiality of the orders and the events was still in place, Nanao wouldn't even be able to discuss it with him when he woke up, although truthfully that was a bit of a relief for her. She wasn't prepared to face his reaction.

Disappointment at her failure? Anger at her disobedience? Sadness at her likely removal from her position as his vice captain? Any and all of those reactions were possible, and she would accept any delay to avoid them. Somehow she was less worried about what the captain commander would do to her than she was about what Captain Kyōraku would think of her.

She shook her head and dipped the brush into ink. All of that was worry for another day. Right now all she could do was work on her report and wait for her captain to wake up.


	6. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

It was a low groan that woke her. Nanao startled out of sleep and nearly groaned herself at the pain in her neck; she'd fallen asleep with her head resting on her hands on the table in front of her.

She stood and leaned over the bed, where her captain was thrashing his legs against the blankets. "Stop. Captain, stop." She put her hands on a shoulder, carefully shaking him. "You're in the Fourth, and you're badly wounded. Stop moving before you hurt yourself."

Captain Kyōraku stilled, turning his body for a better look at her. "Nanao-chan?"

"Yes," she said. "I'm here. How do you feel? Are you in pain?"

"Nanao-chan?" It was more of a pained croak than words. His eyes looked glassy and confused. _Disorientation_.

"Yes, captain. I'm going to find a nurse to get Captain Unohana for you. I'm just going into the hall, and I'll be right back." Nanao glanced out the window. The sun was marching up the sky; it had to be mid-morning. She'd worked until the small hours of the night on her report to First Division.

In the hallway, complete chaos reigned. The members of the Fourth ran full tilt through the corridors, shouting orders and pleas to each other. Nanao stepped in front of a small nurse with a teetering tower of white linens. "Excuse me," she said, deftly catching the linens as the girl jumped.

"Oh, Vice Captain Ise, I didn't see you there. I'm sorry."

Nanao held onto the linens when the girl gestured for them. "Captain Kyōraku is awake. Would it be possible for you to notify Captain Unohana?"

"Ah, well, that's difficult," the girl murmured, not meeting Nanao's eyes.

"Why is it difficult?"

"Captain Unohana has been so busy that I don't have any idea where she is. And the hospital is just flooded with patients, um, because last night a lot of divisions threw victory parties, and this morning we have a lot of drinking-related injuries and alcohol poisonings and then there's the people from the collapsed building—"

"Collapsed building?"

"It was the Eleventh Division," the girl said, reaching for her linens.

"I see. Then if you could notify one of your officers about Captain Kyōraku, I would appreciate it." Nanao handed off the linens.

"I will, vice captain, b-but it might be a while before anyone is free." The girl was shifting from foot to foot, obviously intimidated by Nanao and late for her linen delivery.

"I understand. Thank you." Nanao let the girl run off and sighed.

When she returned to the room, Captain Kyōraku was struggling to sit.

"What do you think you're doing?" Nanao ran across the room and pushed him upright, just stopping him from tilting out of the bed.

"Just trying to get comfortable," he said. His face was sweating and his brows drawn together in obvious pain.

"Where do you hurt most?"

"It's a blow to my manly pride to answer that, Nanao-chan." He grinned, but it seemed to take a lot of effort.

"If you tell me I'll do a healing kidō to ease the pain." She helped him move to a sitting position, stacking pillows gently behind his back. "Is this alright for your back?"

"My back is painful but my head hurts so much more that I can barely feel my back. Isn't that lucky?" He watched her with interest as she climbed up on the bed to perch beside him. Her hands lit up with a light blue kidō.

"Not that I'm not delighted to be nursed by my Nanao-chan's gentle hands, but aren't we in the Fourth?" She had healed him before, but always on the battlefield, or when they were away from other medical attention, or in other rare situations when going to the Fourth was not the preferred choice.

Nanao was capable of much stronger healing kidō than most shinigami, but she preferred to avoid using it if possible. There was an intimacy to healing that unnerved her. Pushing her reiatsu into someone made her uncomfortable. She tweaked her kidō as she brought her hands up to his temples. "The Fourth is overrun. Not only are they treating the captains and officers who were wounded in the battle with Aizen, but apparently the Eleventh dropped a building during their victory celebration."

"Sounds like a great party," he said. His eyes were closed and he was leaning into her hands. But his brow was still furrowed with pain.

She frowned and increased the strength of the healing kidō, pressing more of her power into his body. The stress on his face eased up, but did not disappear. Nanao began to increase the range of her kidō, leading with her reiatsu and then trailing the healing through his body, into the wounds on his back.

The feeling of touching him on the inside was something she could never get accustomed to when healing. A flush rose on her cheeks and her kidō hesitated when he groaned.

"Am I hurting you?" she asked, concerned. Using reiatsu to expand healing kidō through the body to treat multiple wounds at once was an advanced technique that required a delicate touch. If done poorly, using reiatsu inside someone's body could cause pain and even injury. Nanao was a very skilled kidō master, but she hadn't healed anyone in a long time.

"Don't stop." Captain Kyōraku leaned into her until he was almost on top of her.

"Captain, do you want to lie back down? I'll help you—" she nearly squeaked as he pushed her back on the bed with his body, resting his head on her chest. His body fell onto hers with his chest landing half on her abdomen and his legs sprawled out to the head of the bed.

"That's a good idea, Nanao-chan, let's do that. Don't stop," he said, breathing on her neck.

"This is inappropriate, captain." Nanao reached for her stern voice but found only a whisper. _He's disoriented and in pain._ Her face flushed but she did not move him.

After several minutes her heartbeat slowed down to a more regular pace and her flush faded. Captain Kyōraku hadn't moved from his position and she wondered if he'd fallen asleep.

She felt some pushback from his reiatsu against her healing kidō; his body was close to the amount of reiatsu healing it could accept in one session. It would take several sessions of healing and likely many days before he would recover fully.

The door to the room opened, and Nanao bent her neck to look upside down at Vice Captain Isane Kotetsu. The tall woman stared with vivid interest at the pair on the bed.

"Isane-san! One of the nurses told me the hospital is very busy, and Captain Kyōraku was in a lot of pain, so I went ahead and did a healing kidō on him." Nanao tried to look as dignified as she could with her head bent upside down and her captain sleeping on her breasts.

"Hello, Nanao-san. It's good that you went ahead and healed him, we're completely swamped here. Your healing kidō looks excellent, too." Isane stepped into the room to stand beside the bed.

Nanao stopped craning her neck and turned her head to the side to talk to Isane. "Yes, I'm nearly done with this session."

"Did you ever consider working in the Fourth? You have a real talent for the kidō." Isane covered her mouth as she yawned.

"I prefer other forms of kidō over healing, honestly. And I wouldn't want to leave the Eighth." Nanao marveled a little at how easily they were both conducting a conversation while pretending not to notice the captain draped across her chest.

"Yes, I understand," Isane said, and she glanced from Captain Kyōraku to Nanao with a nod. Nanao wondered how long it would be before she started hearing this story about herself. Probably a few days, at least; the Fourth was very busy, after all.

"Excuse me for a moment, Nanao-san; I need to consult with Captain Unohana." Isane bowed slightly to Nanao and the prone captain and left the room.

Nanao sighed when the kidō finally wound down. She lifted Captain Kyōraku's head off of her chest and wiggled her body off of the bed, resting his head softly on the blanket. He made a disgruntled noise and felt around for her with his bandaged left arm.

"I hope you're happy," she hissed.

It was over an hour before Isane returned. By then Nanao had worked a pillow into her captain's searching hand and covered him with an extra blanket from a supply room in the hall, since he'd laid the wrong way on the bed and was on top of all the covers. She sat in the bedside chair, reading over her report.

This time Isane knocked at the door and waited for Nanao say, "Please come in," before she entered.

"Good afternoon, Nanao-san. Please forgive the delay; I was detained assisting Captain Unohana with a surgery."

"Of course, Isane-san. I understand how busy you are currently."

Isane nodded. "Busy is an understatement. We're all running on energy pills, and we probably will be for days."

Nanao nodded. "It must be challenging."

"It really is. But what I wanted to tell you is that when I spoke with Captain Unohana she had a suggestion for the treatment of Captain Kyōraku. This is a bit unorthodox, but given the circumstances here in the Fourth, and your own high level of skill with healing kidō, she thought it might be the best choice. If you are willing, you could take him home and treat him yourself, provided you bring him back to the Fourth for a checkup in a couple of days."

Nanao looked over at the sleeping man on the bed. The Fourth really was too busy; since his injuries were not mortal, he would not receive priority care at this time. If she took him to his home, she could give him the necessary kidō treatments herself and stay in his guest room if he needed help at night. She'd intended to stay with him at the Fourth anyway. They would both be happier at his house, even if she would have to endure a lot of his ridiculous flirting. It would be worth it if that expedited his recovery.

"I would be willing to do that, and I am certain Captain Kyōraku would also consent," she said.

Isane smiled. "That's good, then. Let me examine his wounds and make sure they aren't worse than the triage team reported and I'll give you some care instructions for him."

"I'll have to return to the Eighth before I take him home. I need to make some arrangements with our Third Seat and pick up some items."

"If you'd like to go while I make my examination, I can write out my notes on his care and leave them here for you," Isane offered.

"Thank you, Isane-san. I'll go right now." Nanao picked up her completed report off the borrowed table. She nodded to Isane—whose hands were glowing turquoise with diagnostic kido—and left the room, quickly exiting the hospital and using shunpo to get to the Eighth.

At her division there were scattered signs of a recent party and a number of pale shinigami wincing at their desks. But her Third Seat was nowhere to be found. "Where is Enjōji-san?" she asked in the office shared by several lower seats.

"I think he's still in the common room, Vice Captain Ise," a young man said, cupping his hands over his temples as if his head might explode.

In the common room she found Enjōji snoring under a table. If Nanao was feeling charitable, she might have gently shaken him awake. However, she'd used up more than an afternoon's worth of compassion on her captain and been horribly embarrassed for her trouble. She picked up a regulations manual off a table full of them next to the door and dropped it directly next to Enjōji's ear.

He shot up and smacked his head into the table, launching into a stream of pained curses.

Nanao cleared her throat.

"Vice Captain Ise! I thought you were at the Fourth!" He was rapidly turning a shade of green.

"I was at the Fourth. Now I am here, giving orders to my Third Seat."

"Yes, orders, ah, please excuse me, vice captain," he said, running out of the room with his hand clasped over his mouth.

Nanao sighed and walked through the division offices until she found someone who looked both reasonably sober and not sick.

She explained the orders she wished to have relayed to the Third Seat to the older man, and he promised to deliver them. They were fairly simple, and Nanao was confident Enjōji would be able to follow them. She also arranged for a courier to deliver her completed report on the events at the command post to First Division.

In her own quarters, she packed some clothes and other things she thought she might want over the next several days and had one of the younger shinigami on duty deliver the bag to Captain Kyōraku's house. In the captain's quarters she grabbed a yukata out of his mostly empty rooms. She didn't want to bring her captain back to his quarters at the division; he needed to rest, and there would be no preventing an endless stream of well-wishers if he was right at the barracks. Fewer people would feel comfortable coming out to his house.

Back at the Fourth, she carefully avoided the healers rushing around and returned to Captain Kyōraku's room. Isane was gone and Captain Kyōraku was awake. He was sitting on the bed, propping his side against the pillows for support. His legs hung off the edge of the bed and his feet were planted on the floor.

"There you are, lovely Nanao-chan. You just missed Isane-san. She left notes for you." He nodded to neat paper folded on the bed.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, watching his face. Did he remember waking up earlier and falling asleep on her when she healed him? She couldn't tell.

"I'm feeling very good, since Isane-san told me that my lovely Nanao-chan is going to take me home and nurse me back to health with her own hands." He leaned towards her where she stood in front of him, making a kissy-face.

"We haven't left yet. I could still leave you here," she said, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Could you be so cruel to your poor Shunsui?" he asked pitifully.

She raised one eyebrow.

"But you acted so loving to me this morning, Nanao-chan!" His eyes were twinkling with mischief.

"You were awake?" She scowled at him.

"Awake isn't really the word. It's hazy, but I do remember the delightful feeling of resting my head on my Nanao-chan's sweet, soft—oof—"

A yukata hit him in the face, cutting off his praise of Nanao's assets.

"Put this on. We're not going out with you in only those pants." She waved at his torn and dirty uniform pants. The openings in the sides showed streaks of hard thigh.

"You've got it wrong, Nanao-chan, you're supposed to take advantage of my lack of clothes, not put more clothes on me." He struggled to open the yukata properly with only his left hand, and Nanao remembered that he did not have the use of his right arm because of the damage from Aizen's sword slash.

"Here, let me," she said, taking the yukata out of his hands and slipping it onto his arms. She stood a little between his legs and focused only on his arms. He was staring at her, she could feel it, but she refused to look at his face. "Can you stand?"

He stood with some difficulty, swaying slightly, but after a moment he stabilized. She pulled the edges of the yukata together. The back of her fingers brushed against the bandages wrapping around his chest. "Nanao-chan," he rumbled close to her ear.

She wrapped a sash around the yukata and tied it closed in the front for expediency. "I am doing this because it's the best thing for our division for their captain to recover quickly. If I so much as _imagine_ that you are drawing this out on purpose, I will put you back in the Fourth with some fresh wounds. Is that clear?"

"Of course, Nanao-chan. But we'll get to spend lots of time together anyway. Isane-san wrote it all out for you. Days and nights, with just you and me." His voice dropped on his last words and she moved away from him, picking up Isane's notes. She decided to leave the borrowed table in the room. If she tried to return it with the traffic in the hall being what it was, either the table or some poor member of the Fourth was going to end up broken.

"Can you walk? Will you be able to shunpo?" She tucked the notes into her shirt and turned back to him.

He took a few slow steps. Nanao saw that it was hard for him to balance without his right arm working.

"I can help you out of the hospital, but if you can't shunpo I'll go and get a couple of men from the division to bring you home."

"I can do one or two steps of shunpo, Nanao-chan. Enough to get to the division."

She watched him walking and then moved herself under his side for support, bracing her arms around his waist. His left hand rested on her shoulder. "We're not going to the division. We're going to your house."

"To my house?" He sounded surprised and Nanao stiffened against him. He hastily added, "Whatever my Nanao-chan prefers is fine."

"If we stay at the division you won't get any rest. Everyone will want to see their captain." They walked slowly through the halls, the shinigami of the Fourth rushing around them like waves of water around a rock. "Did you want to ask after Captain Ukitake before we go? I have information from last night, but I haven't checked today."

"I asked Isane-san. She said his chances are fair, but he can't have any visitors. They're doing very intense work on him right now."

Nanao glanced up at his solemn face. "You need to see Captain Unohana in a few days. Perhaps Captain Ukitake will be well enough for visitors then." Her words felt inadequate to her when his best friend was in such poor condition, so she fell silent. The image of that child Espada ripping his hand through Captain Ukitake's lungs flashed in her mind.

Outside the hospital Nanao dropped her arms and moved away from him a step. "Are you sure you feel well enough for shunpo? Perhaps it would be better to call in a couple of officers and carry you to the house—"

She'd just turned to reenter the hospital for a hell butterfly when Captain Kyōraku slipped away in a shunpo.

"Hey!" She chased after him immediately, but he was still lounging against the gate to his house by the time she caught up. His shunpo was just that much faster than hers.

"You're last, Nanao-chan!" He grinned at her.

"We weren't playing a chase game," she snapped. Up close she could see he was breathing heavily and his forehead was furrowed, as it had been earlier today. "And now you've strained yourself. Come on." She pushed open the gate and offered herself as a support for him, as she had at the hospital.

"But I like to play games with you, lovely Nanao-chan. I wish you'd play with me more." His voice was close to her ear, his head bending close to hers.

She shivered. Certainly he'd felt it, since he was pressed against her side. How annoying. "No one will be playing with you at all for a few days. You are going to rest quietly and recover very, very quickly, so I can go back to work." They entered his house and she deposited him on a cushion in front of a low table.

The bag she'd packed at her quarters was on the porch, and she went back outside to get it. When she returned to the room Captain Kyōraku looked at the large bag with interest.

"What's in your bag? Can I have a look?" He reached for the bag with his left hand, but his mobility was limited enough that Nanao dodged him easily.

"Paperwork," she said repressively.

As she was laying out her things in his extra bedroom, he called out to her. "Have you noticed, precious Nanao-chan? My house looks different for some reason."

She paused in arranging her clothes in the closet. She'd forgotten about it in the rush of activity during the battle and then after, at the Fourth, sitting with him and doing her report. That first night he was gone she'd come to his house when he wasn't here. She'd cleaned and indulged herself in thinking of him in his bedroom, but he didn't need to know about that part. "I cleaned," she called.

There was a long pause. "You came to my house when I wasn't here and you cleaned?"

She left the guest room, closing the door with a snap. "Does that bother you? I didn't think you'd mind."

There was a bemused expression his face. "I don't mind if my Nanao-chan comes to my house whenever she likes." He smiled up at her chilled expression. "Of course, it's always my hope that you will come when I'm here to enjoy your company."

"You have plenty of company," she said, looking at the clock.

"But I want your company, Nanao-chan."

"I don't see how you can possibly complain about lacking for my company. If you want to see me more, you should come to the office more. I am regularly there for several hours a day."

"It's not the same."

She sighed at him. "Fine, then I don't see how you can complain about lacking my company in your house while I am staying in your house for a number of days." She removed Isane's notes from her sleeve and read through them quickly.

"You make an excellent point. Now I do have my Nanao-chan all to myself in my house for days. It's like a dream of mine come to life, except for the sword wounds." He laughed a little.

"And the cero," Nanao said absently.

"Thanks for remembering." She glanced at his amused eyes over her papers. Even though they were bickering normally, his skin was paler than it should be and the lines on his face deeper.

"I've made arrangements for dinner, but it's too early for it. Isane-san says your bandages can be left off after you bathe since the wounds are healing well. Perhaps you'd like to have a bath?"

"This day just gets better and better," he said.


	7. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Nanao walked between his bathroom and the guest room, bringing a few of her things in and a few towels out. Captain Kyōraku had followed her into his bedroom and now sat on the floor watching her.

"Take off your yukata," she said from the bathroom.

"Anything for my Nanao-chan—" Whatever further reply he made was drowned out when she started the water for the bath. Although his house must have begun as a traditional style, over the years he'd added flourishes and architectural features he'd seen and liked. Nearly every room in the house had at least one window, his baths no exception. He'd also added all sorts of newer conveniences to his home; his bath was modernized with imported comforts from the Living World. It was tiled in soft green with lots of wood—a scheme that would blend into the background when sitting in the tub and looking out the large windows at the garden. Nanao imagined he'd wanted the feeling of bathing outdoors without the inconveniences of actually bathing outdoors all the time.

When she came into the bedroom he had untied and opened the yukata but hadn't gotten it completely off. She made to scold him for making her undress him on purpose, but realized that without the use of his right arm, with low mobility in his left arm and with the wounds on his back, his reach was genuinely limited.

She pulled the yukata off his right arm and freed his chest. Carefully she moved his right hand to rest on his leg and put his left hand on top of it. "Hold your arms there so I can unwrap this."

"Yare, yare, Nanao-chan. This really is like one of my dreams, with you here in my bedroom, undressing me and giving me commands." There was a wicked undertone to the amusement in his voice.

"Be quiet."

"The resemblance is staggering, actually."

Nanao ignored him, a skill she'd developed years ago to finish her work while he read poor poetry about her aloud in their office. She unwound the bandages on his left arm first. Much of the skin on his forearm had been scraped off when he tried to break his fall in Karakura. Fresh skin was spread across the area, pink and puckered. His arm and hand were bruised dark purple up to and including his shoulder. The best she could say about it was that he hadn't broken any bones.

The bandages on his back peeled off easily. He wasn't bleeding through them, though she still winced and made a small noise in her throat when she fully exposed the extent of his injuries. A round wound marked where the Espada's cero had hit him; it was scabbed over and new skin was only just forming around the edges. A slash from the Espada's sword cut a straight line across her captain's back. The mark of Aizen's attack was the worst. It spanned from four inches up his chest and around to eight inches down his back between his neck and shoulder. Aizen had sliced deep through Captain Kyōraku's muscles and bones. Surveying the damage, it was really no mystery that his right arm wasn't functional yet. It was more of a surprise that he was alive at all.

"Nanao-chan?" he asked, turning his head to try to see her face. She kept her head down and her face away from his eyes.

"You idiot," she said. Her voice was low and venomous.

"Nanao-chan." He twisted his waist to reach for her, but she stood and walked into the bathroom. He didn't follow. She spent a minute leaning against the wall, breathing deeply.

"Take off your pants and put one of the towels on," she called. She checked the temperature of the bath.

"I need your help," he said loudly.

"I am not helping you take your pants off, captain. You'll have to manage it yourself." Irritation rose in her, crowding out the sadness and pain she'd felt moments before.

"I don't need your help to take off my pants. I need your help with something in my pants, darling Nanao-chan!"

The irritation bubbled over at his cheerful reply and she stormed out of the bathroom. "Why are you provoking me? I have been trying to be considerate of your condition and the fact that you have a major head injury all day. I am not taking your pants off, I am not reaching into your pants, and if you say anything else about it I am going to hit you with _The Unabridged Encyclopedia of Kidō Incantations_ and have our drunken Third Seat haul you back to the Fourth unconscious. Am I making myself clear to you?"

Captain Kyōraku nodded slowly. "I'm not trying to provoke you, Nanao-chan. You see, I was worried about losing your precious gift box during the battle at Karakura, so I wrapped it up and tied it into my pants."

Nanao exhaled and rubbed her hands over her temples. "You tied it to your pants?"

"To my sash, actually. There's a black cord wrapped around it. On the left side."

She glared at him skeptically, but his expression was sincere. He stayed very still when she approached him and sat in front of him. There was a black cord wound into his sash. Nanao began to untie it, avoiding contact with his abdomen.

"You were mad enough for the _Unabridged_ version? That's the most painful one." He watched her work at the cord.

"You would know," she said. Then, feeling guilty even though she hadn't actually hit him with it, she added: "It's been a difficult week."

"It has been, hasn't it?" He smiled at her. "But it's better now."

She freed the cord and pulled a small package wrapped in a piece of blue tarp out of his pants. She looked up at him in surprise.

"I didn't want it to get wet."

Nanao smiled a little and opened the piece of tarp. It had been wound around the package several times, and inside of that there was a piece of cloth protecting the hairpin case. The pale silk and the cherry blossoms embroidered delicately across the case were undamaged; it was in exactly the same condition as it had been when it first left Nanao's hands for her captain's.

"You were careful with it," she said, a question in her voice. She raised her head to look at him.

"I can be careful when something is important, Nanao-chan."

His eyes were warm and welcoming and Nanao could only meet his gaze for a few moments before she looked away, afraid he would see too much of her. She felt raw and exposed, as if all her dreams and fears were just inside her lips, and at any moment they might come spilling out into the room.

"Change into the towel and call me when you're ready." She took the case and set it softly on a bookcase shelf, not sure where he would want it. In the bathroom she stared at her face in the mirror. There were dark smudges under her indigo eyes and her hair was untidy. She brushed her hair out and tucked it back into her hairclip. The sleeves of her uniform she tied up; her captain would need help with at least some of his washing. She'd helped him in different situations when he wasn't well, although he'd had more clothes at those times. But surely a professional attitude could carry her through this circumstance.

He didn't call for her, instead looming in the door of the bathroom when she turned away from straightening the things she'd brought with her into the room. "You should get larger towels," she said, and could have hit herself when he grinned. But the towel was inadequate. It rode low on his hips and reached only to mid-thigh, with his left hand holding it together well below his waist.

Her eyes darted across his broad chest and the bands of muscle in his abdomen. The brown hair darkening his chest trailed down his stomach and into that small towel. Her throat was dry and she swallowed once. It simply wasn't fair that a man who slept and drank as much as he did should look so good.

The grin on his face widened and Nanao realized he'd caught her staring. She waved towards the bath stool and fussed with the soaps and buckets, refusing to look at him.

"Anytime my Nanao-chan wants to go shopping and pick out new towels with me, I'd be happy to make the trip. I wouldn't want you to find anything of mine lacking," he said, teasing as he sat on the bath stool.

"I'm sure what you have already is adequate, captain," she murmured, looking at his hair.

He chuckled. "I'd like to think so, anyway."

"I'm going to have to cut out this hair tie." It was even more tangled in his hair than it had been yesterday.

"Did I lose my hairpins?" he asked.

Nanao reached into her shirt and pulled out his hairpins. "I have them here. I took them out last night. They need to be cleaned." She set them down on the shelf with the soaps and moved back to his hair, cutting out the hair tie carefully.

"Thank you, Nanao-chan, those ones are my favorites."

They were silent as she worked on the hair tie, cutting it into three pieces before she could free it from his hair. His bucket she set aside; the shower wand would be easier to use, since she was doing the washing. If she was careful enough, she would avoid getting very wet. She turned on the shower wand and checked the temperature before tipping his head back and wetting down his hair thoroughly. His eyes were closed while she worked shampoo into his hair.

The crisp bite of lemons filled the air of the bathroom, and her captain's face softened with the enjoyment of having his hair washed. "This is your shampoo, isn't it? I recognize the scent," he said.

"Your soap was not going to work on a mess like this."

"No, this is much better, Nanao-chan."

She rinsed his hair and watched the water running out of it turn dark with mud and blood. She decided to give it another wash with the shampoo.

"Nanao-chan, where did you get these soaps?"

Her fingers rubbed the shampoo into his hair slowly. It was really more pleasant to do this for him than she'd expected. "When Rangiku-san and I went shopping a few months ago, I got these. They're imported from the Living World. I bought a few different kinds, but the lemon ones are my favorite."

"Was that the time you taught Toshiro-kun the tracking kidō?" His eyes were still closed and his lips turned up in a smile. The atmosphere in the warm bathroom was intimate but not uncomfortable, and Nanao also smiled as she remembered the incident with Rangiku.

She rinsed his hair again and the water washed out cleanly, with only soap in it. "When we came back from our shopping trip, we went to my quarters to have some take-out food. While I was getting drinks, she stole a few of my clothes out of my closet and replaced them with things she'd bought that day, things that I wouldn't have chosen myself. I was annoyed when I realized what she'd done after she'd left."

"But Nanao-chan, were the things she put into your closet nice?"

She began to work conditioner into the roots of his hair, her fingers rubbing across his scalp. He made a low sound of pleasure in his throat. "That's not the point, captain. Even if I liked the clothes she bought, she shouldn't have taken my things without permission. And she really shouldn't have gone so far as to destroy them so I couldn't take them back."

"So you helped Toshiro-kun hunt her down?" His voice was amused.

"What she did was not acceptable to me, and I wanted her to understand that. If I don't set firm boundaries with people, who knows what might happen?" She scowled at him fiercely but her hands delicately worked knots out of his hair.

"Have you ever considered that having such firm boundaries just makes the prospect of crossing them even more appealing?" His eyes opened slowly and took in her frowning face.

"Only to Rangiku-san and to you. Other people respect my wishes," she said, arching her brows at his tilted face.

"But Nanao-chan, without Rangiku-san and I to push your boundaries, your life would be very dull." His eyes drifted closed again.

She made a _harrumph_ noise, but didn't say anything. He was right, after all, though she would never tell him that.

They didn't speak as she rinsed the conditioner out of his hair. It would still need to be brushed out well, but it was much improved from the gnarly mess it was when she started. She set down the shower wand. Nervousness rose in her as she rubbed a damp cloth against his bar of soap. "Tell me if I'm hurting you."

She swept his long hair aside to hang against his chest, so she could access his back. Again the damage there made her wince. She washed his skin, brushing the cloth around his wounds as lightly as she could. His breathing was even and smooth against her hand. As she leaned down to clean his lower back under the sword slash from the Espada, she propped a hand lightly on his right shoulder.

"Nanao-chan?"

"Yes?" She straightened from her bend and began to wash down his right arm, starting from the neck. His muscles tightened beneath her hands. The sun-touched skin of his body glistened in the light of the bathroom. Nanao had a fleeting desire to bite at his shoulder and see what he would do, but she repressed that thought as soon as it rose. A curl of heat warmed her belly. She tried to repress that, too, and she tensed slightly with the effort.

"When did you come to my house?"

Nanao hesitated, but he sounded only idly interested. "The day after you left for false Karakura. Two days ago." She grasped his right hand with one of hers to lift his heavy arm for access to the underside.

He watched her wash him, his dark eyes following her strokes on his skin. She moved away to freshen the washcloth and was rubbing the soap bar across the fabric when he spoke again. "Why did you come to my house, Nanao-chan?"

Again there was only idle curiosity in his voice, but his eyes were still on her. "I cleaned." She began to wash his left arm, mindful of the heavy bruising. "Does this hurt?"

"No."

She lifted his left hand with one of hers and continued to sweep the cloth over him, but she was beginning to feel more tension.

"But why did you come, Nanao-chan?" He kept his tone light but the intensity of his interest was breaking through. He really wanted to know this. Nanao couldn't tell him the truth—I missed you and wanted to be in your space with your smell and your things—so she didn't speak for a long time.

"I don't know," she said finally. She released his hand and grabbed the shower wand, drowning out any possible response with the rinsing of his back and arms. After she turned the water off, she moved his hair to swing heavily down his back and began to wash his neck and upper chest. The position was only raising her tension. He'd tipped his head up to give her access to his front. It placed his face only whispers away from hers as she leaned down to soap his skin.

"Why did you come to my house?"

Nanao focused intently on the part of his chest she was washing. "I said I don't know."

"It's not nice to lie, Nanao-chan," he drawled, capturing her washing hand with his left.

The cloth slipped from her hand to plop in his lap. "I'm not—"

"You can tell me the truth, sweetheart," he said, and his voice was gentle, so she looked up and saw his whole face was gentle.

She pulled her eyes away from his face before that gentleness could steal words from her lips. The tension in her was unbearable and her anger stirred that he was pushing her like this, after she'd been so worried about him and then so relieved that he was alive. Nanao _couldn't_ tell him that she'd missed him, because if she gave him that small piece, all the rest of the truth would follow after it, and she couldn't make herself so vulnerable to him. He could break her with a word then.

Nanao tugged her wrist free of his loose hold. "This is ridiculous, sir. You can finish the rest on your own," she said. She looked back at his face when she reached the door and saw disappointment but no surprise. That almost pulled her back into the room, but she shut the door with a sharp sound instead.


	8. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Outside of the bathroom Nanao took a few deep breaths, running her hands over her hair and straightening her glasses. Her uniform was wet in spots so she went into the guest bedroom and changed into a dark blue yukata.

Why did he have to be so serious sometimes? At moments like the one in the bathroom, she wanted to give in to him, to believe in him and his ridiculous proclamations of love. But if she did, everything that she had now might be ruined. If he'd been kidding, or if he couldn't sustain a real relationship with her, her heart would be broken. Not to mention that she would lose his friendship, need to transfer out of the Eighth, and have to bear the embarrassment of everyone in Seireitei knowing what a fool she was.

Suddenly a new thought struck her. She'd turned in her report on the events at the command post to the First Division today. In all likelihood, she was already going to lose her position in the Eighth and anything else the captain commander or the Central 46 decided on. There would not be endless time stretching out ahead of her in her comfortable life as vice captain of the Eighth, chasing after the irresponsible Captain Shunsui Kyōraku.

There might be no more tomorrows.

Which would she regret more? Giving her captain an open look at her heart and risking pain and embarrassment, or leaving the Gotei 13 without having ever given him the opportunity to prove the sincerity of his feelings towards her?

What had happened between them four years ago—it changed things, didn't it? Even if they never spoke of it openly, their relationship was altered. She'd asked him for something and he'd done it. That particular situation could just be an anomaly, however. It wasn't as if they were lovers or anything like that. "Just leave that alone." She sighed and straightened her clothes to exacting perfection.

The only real question that mattered, the only thing that needed consideration, was what Nanao wanted out of her remaining time in Seireitei.

 _If my days are numbered, I want to spend them all with him._ Her cheeks flushed but she nodded. That was the truth. But how could she change things between them? If she were more open with him about her feelings—would that be enough? Was that even something she could actually do?

She frowned. Maybe she had the wrong approach. What would be the right one? Perhaps she should make a list of other possible actions she could take. If only she had more data points for consideration; then she could make a chart.

Maybe she would try to talk to him and explore the situation first. Still, she'd acted unkindly to him in the bathroom only a little while ago. Perhaps he would not be interested in speaking to her right now. It would be understandable.

She wandered back through his house into his bedroom, turning on lights as she walked. It was getting dark outside. Had it really only been a few days since he'd left for war? The time had passed both so slowly and so quickly that it was hard to grasp.

The hairpin case she'd made him drew her and she picked it up, turning it over in her hands. How many hours did she spend on this? Was it more or less time than she had left with him now? She made a distressed sound and set it back on the bookshelf.

"Nanao-chan," Captain Kyōraku said from the doorway of the bathroom. He'd dressed in the yukata she'd left in there for him. It was a dark chocolate color, close to black, and it reminded her of his eyes when he was intense. He was ineffectively pressing a towel against his hair with his left hand. The yukata had darker spots where he'd failed to dry off enough.

"Let me do that. Sit down, please." He looked at her in surprise but moved to sit on the floor. She took the towel from his hand and wrapped the length of his hair in it, soaking the water into the towel. After she'd gotten most of the water out of that, she rubbed the towel against his head to pick up the water there.

When his hair was reasonably dried she went into the bathroom and hung up the towel, then came back out with a brush. She picked up the length of his hair with one hand and held it firmly so she wouldn't hurt him while she worked out knots with the brush. For several minutes they sat in silence while she brushed his hair with long, sure strokes.

Nanao dropped the hairbrush lightly onto the floor and threaded her fingers through his hair to reach his scalp. She massaged him with her fingertips in slow circles. When he relaxed his back against her legs she conjured up a small healing kidō and sent it through her fingertips.

He groaned low in his throat, the same sound he'd made while she washed his hair. That sound seemed to reverberate in her belly. She licked her dry lips. "Do you like this?" she asked.

"I love this. It feels amazing. Where did you learn to massage like this, clever Nanao-chan?" His voice was rich with pleasure.

Nanao savored the warmth of his body leaning lightly against her legs and stomach. Her fingers circled in random patterns around his head. "From Rangiku-san. We do a skills exchange at the Shinigami Women's Association every few years."

"A skills exchange?"

"Yes. All of us pick something we want to share with the group, and we each get half an hour to teach a class in our chosen skill. It's supposed to be something that improves us as women and shinigami, but truthfully most of the classes are just fun." She smiled at the thought of the SWA. Perhaps she'd be able to schedule a meeting for sometime next week. It was hard to be sure of when everyone would feel up to a gathering, given that several of their members were injured or working overtime at the Fourth.

"What kinds of things do you learn?"

"Well, in the last round of skills exchange, Hinamori-san taught us to do origami flowers—those were quite nice; Captain Soi Fon did a lesson on self defense without weapons—certainly something useful to know; Rangiku-san did this lesson on scalp massage—she said it's wonderful for hangovers."

"But my Nanao-chan has never offered to gently massage me before, and I have hangovers all the time," he said in a teasing whine.

"I don't believe in encouraging your bad behavior. You'd probably drink even more if you thought that you could get a massage out of it," she scolded, but she smiled a little.

He made that pleasured groan again. "Absolutely."

Nanao blushed, grateful that he was in front of her and couldn't see her face. "You're shameless."

"You have to enjoy life where you can, sweet Nanao-chan. Did you contribute a skill to your women's exchange?"

"I did." She didn't say anything else, hoping he would drop the matter. One of her hands moved to the base of his skull, massaging the back of his neck.

"That feels good, Nanao-chan, don't stop."

Improvising, she rubbed sweeping circles on the muscles of his neck. This wasn't a part of Rangiku's course, but it did seem to be distracting him.

"But now I want to know what your course was even more. Was it something naughty that you don't want to tell me?" He was teasing, but she knew he could be relentless when he was focused on something.

"Of course not! What would I teach to the SWA that would be naughty?"

"Well, it could be something like—"

"Don't answer that! It was nothing like that. I taught a zakka sewing project." She hoped he'd leave it at that.

"Zakka sewing? What kind of household project did you do?"

"Drink coasters." His mouth was already opening to ask what kind so she sighed and continued. "Coasters in the shapes of baby rabbits and plump birds."

"Coasters in the shapes of little animals? That's cute, Nanao-chan, why didn't you want to tell me?" He seemed genuinely puzzled, and Nanao reminded herself that she had resolved only an hour ago to be open and honest with him.

"I didn't want to tell you because it's a childish project. Most of my zakka projects are, actually." So far telling him the truth didn't make her happier. She felt a bit regretful that she'd told him. She hated to be teased about her youth; she had since she'd been the youngest person in her Academy class and then the youngest member of the Eighth Division. Even after a century in the Gotei 13 too many people still saw her as a girl instead of a woman. Part of the reason she projected such a cold and serious image as Vice Captain Ise was to gain the respect her position should have.

"It's alright to like things that are whimsical and fun. It doesn't make you childish," he said.

"I have an apron with squirrels and birds sewn on it." Her voice was low and full of misery.

"That sounds delightful, Nanao-chan. I'd like to see it. But why does it bother you so much to tell me this, when all of your friends from the Women's Association already know that you do these kinds of projects?"

Only the strength of her new resolution could pry her jaws open. She let the words slip out in a small voice. "I don't want you to think of me as a child."

At this he spun around to face her. Her fingers tangled in his hair with his sudden movement. "I don't consider you a child. Why would you think that?"

Her tongue darted across her lips. He followed the movement intently, his head tipped up to see her face. If he could wrap his arms around her they'd be embracing, he was much too close. Nanao struggled to string her thoughts together with his eyes boring into her secrets. "You—you call me Nanao-chan, and you have since I was a child, you protect me too much, even when it undermines my position as a vice captain, and you're so much older than me that I'm barely a footnote in your life, so—" she ran out of words.

"A footnote in my life? Nanao-chan, you—" he broke off, sighed, and brought his left hand up to grasp her right hand, tugging it away from his head and holding it gently. The healing kidō fizzled out. When he spoke his voice was firm and slow. "I call you my Nanao-chan because that's what you are to me, not because I think of you as a child. I protect you even when you'd rather I didn't because your life is precious to me, and I value your safety above your pride, even if it angers you. If you've felt undermined by my behavior, I am sorry about that, but I don't believe it's cost you the respect of our troops. They respect you independent of what I do, Nanao. You must know that."

She nodded slightly, her eyes downcast.

His thumb caressed the palm of her small hand. "I've lived a very long time, it's true. Much of that time blends together. There are whole decades I can only dimly recall. I remember all the wars, terrible battles with Hollows where I lost men, and the worst of Ukitake's illnesses with perfect clarity. I try to hold onto happier times with that same clarity. It's very difficult. But Nanao-chan, with you I can remember each conversation we have, each expression on your face, each happy afternoon under the trees. You make life bright for me. I love that about you."

He kissed the palm of her hand. She was arrested by the expression on his face. He was willing to open himself to her, to give her his truth, knowing that she would probably throw it back and run away. How many times had she done that to him? A pang of guilt stabbed her, and it was easy now to say what seemed so hard earlier. "I'm sorry about before, in the bathroom, I shouldn't have done that."

The apology surprised him, his eyes widening at her words. "I understand that you aren't comfortable with expressing emotions in words, Nanao-chan."

Nanao swallowed hard. Her heart was beating quickly and erratically, like the wings of a lost bird. Tentatively she moved her left hand towards his face, but stopped short of touching him. "I—I would like to be comfortable with those things. I am trying—" she stopped abruptly, unable to pull out more words from her fluttering chest. Her brows drew together in frustration at her inability to articulate her feelings.

"You don't have to say anything, Nanao-chan—"

She cut off his gentle words with an impatient noise. "No, I want to tell you. When you left—" She stopped speaking for a long time. He watched her face, running his thumb over the racing pulse in her wrist.

A sudden noise at the door startled her. She made to go into the main room, but Captain Kyōraku tugged at her wrist. "Don't answer it."

Nanao glanced at the clock. "It's our Third Seat. I left orders for him earlier. He's brought dinner."

"Let him leave it outside. We can get it in a little while." He tried to pull her back where she'd been standing.

"I was, ah, a bit severe with him today. I don't think he'll leave without fulfilling his orders exactly," she said, biting her lip.

"Severe?"

"He was passed out under a table in the common room." She knew her captain would easily be able to imagine how she had reacted to that.

He sighed and released her arm. "I'm not going to forget about this, Nanao."

"I know," she whispered. Still, she almost ran to answer the door.

Third Seat Enjōji stood outside, looking uncomfortable. "Good evening, Vice Captain Ise. Per your instructions, I have brought dinner for Captain Kyōraku, exactly as you asked."

"Thank you, Enjōji-san. Please set it on the table." She moved aside to let him enter.

He set the containers in his huge hands down on the table. "Do you want me to do anything else?"

Captain Kyōraku lounged in the door of the bedroom, watching the proceedings without much interest.

"No, this will do, Enjōji-san. Have a good evening." Nanao led him back to the door and closing it behind him.

She stepped back to the table and knelt on a cushion, busily opening containers. "Are you hungry?" she asked, looking up at her captain.

"Starved," he said. But he didn't spare a glance at the food. His eyes were intent on her face and Nanao's heart skittered away again.

Nanao's anxiety skipped up several levels at the intent expression on Captain Kyōraku's face and the burning undertone to his reply. What possessed her to think it was a good idea to try to change her relationship with this man? With his level of experience with women, she couldn't hope to stand on equal footing with him. Moments ago she hadn't even been able to tell him she'd missed him, which was hardly as challenging as a love confession or a difficult conversation about whether his romantic overtures towards her were genuine.

He moved away from the bedroom door into the large main room and Nanao glanced at the house door, her heart pounding. But he only sat heavily on a cushion across from her at the low table, smiling. "What's for dinner? Since I can't use my right arm, sweet Nanao-chan will have to feed me tenderly with her own hand," he said, his voice teasing.

"I will not. I know that you are equally dexterous with both your right and your left hands. You can feed yourself, captain." Nanao felt herself calm as they slipped back into their usual mode of conversation. She knew he'd changed the mood in response to her worry, and was both grateful and embarrassed that he always seemed aware of when she was close to her limits. He didn't want her to leave, so he'd stepped back, at least for the moment.

Over dinner they made light conversation about their division and the SWA. She told him about some of the other skill exchanges and recent fundraising disasters that made him laugh. Nanao felt relaxed and content. Captain Kyōraku was good company, telling entertaining stories, asking interesting questions, and always staying focused on her, but not so intensely that she felt overly conscious of his attention.

It was no wonder that he had so many friends. The one thing that Nanao didn't understand about him and wasn't sure she ever would was why he was so interested in _her_. She knew she was reasonably attractive, with her small, even features and blue-violet eyes behind her glasses. Her hair was a straight and shiny black curtain when she let it down. But everything about her was so ordinary that it would be easy to find ten or twenty women prettier than Nanao while simply walking down the street in Seireitei. And surely some of those women would be far more receptive towards her captain's advances than Nanao had been over the years.

Still, when she was alone with him, she was aware that they had a strong compatibility between them. The differences in their personalities and their interests only seemed to add flavor to their conversation.

They finished dinner and drank tea companionably. Nanao stifled several yawns, prompting him to ask, "Have you been sleeping enough, Nanao-chan?"

"I slept for a while last night, in the Fourth," she said. But she was very tired, having slept only a few hours each night since he'd left for the battle at Karakura.

"In one of those uncomfortable chairs? I'm sure that wasn't very restful. Why don't you go to bed?"

She shook her head. "First I need to do another healing kidō on you. It'll still be several sessions before you're recovered."

"Then let's do that now." He stood up to walk towards his bedroom.

"Let me put away these things first. Why don't you get ready? I'll need to see your back." Nanao gathered up the remains of dinner and headed to his kitchen. She spent a few minutes putting away leftovers, washing utensils and cups, and wiping down the low table. After she finished tidying up, she cleaned her face and teeth in a washroom near the guest room she'd occupied. She intended to go to bed as soon as she'd healed Captain Kyōraku.

In his bedroom the lights were low and he sat on his futon with the top of his yukata down around his waist. He'd tied his hair back into a rough tail somehow. Nanao was a little disappointed by that. She'd enjoyed washing and brushing the soft waves of his hair and if he'd left it down, she would have needed to touch it quite a lot to move it out of the way.

She kneeled behind him and brushed his hair over his left shoulder to hang against his chest. Her fingers trailed through his hair surreptitiously. If he'd noticed, he didn't say anything.

Pale blue kidō lit her hands. She lifted one hand to his right shoulder, where the deep sword wound from Aizen lay, and the other to the cero wound. He tensed as she touched him and then relaxed as she laced a painkilling kidō into the healing spell. When the kidō was established enough in those wounds she delicately wove her reiatsu through his body, following after with the healing kidō.

"I've had the expanded healing kidō done on me before, but never for my whole body like this, Nanao-chan."

"I thought it might be a good idea, since you probably have a lot of lighter injuries in other places from when you fell after Aizen attacked you. If you don't want me to do it—"

"No, it feels wonderful."

She nodded behind him, though he couldn't see her. The bedroom was warm and quiet. Nanao felt drowsy and content. For several minutes she enjoyed the sensation of the skin of his back beneath the fingers of her right hand, absently drawing circles with her fingertips while her palm sent healing into his sword wound.

"Nanao-chan, how did you know about what happened to me in the battle? Reports can't possibly have been written and distributed by First Division yet." He sounded a little concerned.

"The Twelfth Division built fake Karakura town. They added in cameras while they were doing it."

"Where was the command post for the battle, Nanao-chan?"

Nanao sighed. He was an intelligent man and had already deduced that she'd watched the battle, but he wanted her to talk about it with him. Talking about the command post was tricky; she couldn't tell him about the orders from Central 46 or that she'd attacked the vice captain of the Kidō Corps, so all that she could tell him about was what she'd seen of the battle. It would be acceptable to talk to him about that part since he'd been at the battle. "The command post was at Twelfth Division."

"Were you at the command post during the battle?"

"I was there from the first engagement until nearly three hours after the battle was over," Nanao said. She repressed the urge to sigh again. It would have been nice to go to bed warm and content after healing him, without thinking about the way her heart had burned to ashes when he'd fallen in battle.

Since she already knew what he would want to ask, and that he was looking for the best way to approach his question, she did let herself sigh. Weariness weighed down her body. She leaned her forehead lightly against an uninjured area in the center of his back. Her healing kidō was winding down, the light from her hands fading. "I saw you fall. Both times," she whispered. She shivered with remembered cold.

"Nanao-chan." He turned around and pulled her into his arms. She nearly tugged herself away as she had always done in the past, but there were tears prickling behind her eyes and her time with him was limited, and just once she wanted to know what it felt like to let him hold her. He was warm and still smelled somehow of the outdoors. She tried to climb up closer to him, so he changed his position until she was sitting in his lap, with him wrapped around her.

His hand came up and unclipped her hair so that it fell around her shoulders. He stroked her head softly. She thought hazily the healing session must have been quite effective to have restored so much mobility. Her cheek brushed against his chest. "I thought you were dead, that first time, when the Espada fired the cero at you. I thought you were dead, and it was so cold."

His left arm tightened around her and his hand brushed down her head to caress her neck soothingly. "I'm so sorry, Nanao-chan. You shouldn't have had to see that."

She shook her head. "You should know, and I think you'll hear about it after the confidentiality is lifted. After you fell, I told them to find another camera to show you. And then I had them change the monitor to something else. Captain Ukitake's Third Seats were crying and fussing behind me, but I didn't do anything. I felt so cold. I didn't react at all. Someone's going to tell you that I watched you die and I didn't even blink, so you should know now. You should know," she said, and her voice faded as tears burned in her eyes.

"Nanao-chan," he said in a low voice. He slipped her glasses away from her face and set them down next to her hairclip on the floor. "Listen to me, Nanao-chan. Everyone deals with the stress of battle differently."

"I wasn't even at the battle."

"That's worse, isn't it? If you'd been at the battle, you could have come to me. You could have seen that I was alive. Since you weren't there, you couldn't know. You were in command and you had duties to the shinigami under your command. If you'd fallen apart, you couldn't effectively lead. I know it must have been hard for you, to see what was happening and still do your job." His voice was warm and lit with understanding.

"But I watched the captains and the officers and my friends and _you_ —I watched you fight and fall while I gave orders about cameras and triage teams and excavation— _you_ were dying and I couldn't—" her throat caught on more tears she tried to hold back and she couldn't speak.

"Nanao, you had a role to play that was important, and you fulfilled that role despite what was happening in the battle. That takes a lot of strength. People can tell me whatever they want about you and about what happened at the command post. But I know _you_ , Nanao, and I know how much you care about the people around you. People can tell me that you're cold, but it's not the truth, and I won't hesitate to correct them. I'm proud of you, sweetheart, and I believe in you, and nothing anyone says will change that." He spoke softly and slowly, and Nanao's heart was eased as his words sank into her.

She pulled herself closer to him, her hands holding onto the warm muscles of his shoulders as if he was an island in a violent sea. A few tears finally escaped from her eyes as she relaxed within his arms. The burden of her crimes in the command post faded and she again felt drowsy and content. A small part of her insisted she should climb off him and leave, but she couldn't think of any reason to do that.

Nanao made a small sound of protest when he moved her, but then she was curled on the bed under the blanket and he was wrapped around her. _This is nice_ , she thought. She wondered if being with him would feel like this—warm and comforting with an edge of heat underneath.

He brushed her hair off her face and kissed her temple. "I missed you," she whispered, hovering on the edge of waking.

"I'm with you, Nanao, and I'm not going anywhere."

She drifted into sleep, her hand clasping his.


	9. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

There was a beam of sunlight slapping her in the eyes. Nanao half-opened one eyelid and saw the sun filtering through the window was much higher than it usually was when she left for work. But she couldn't have work today, or she'd have already been awake.

Satisfied with this thought, she wriggled deeper into her cocoon of blankets away from the sun until her back was pressed against the man behind her. The heavy arm around her waist tightened and the large hand resting between her breasts stroked her skin once, approvingly. She rested one of her small hands on the large hand.

Nanao drifted in and out of sleep, but something was nagging at her. Why wasn't she at work? This question buzzed around her head until an answer finally swatted it away. _I'm not at work because I'm with my captain._

She'd nearly dozed back off when the answer sank in. _I'm not at work because I'm in my captain's bed._ At that Nanao woke up abruptly. The arm wrapped around her was Captain Kyōraku's arm. The hand resting on her chest was his hand. The legs tangled with hers were his legs. The chest she was pressed against was his chest.

That blissful relaxation she'd felt faded into tension. She should get up, now. Could she get up without waking him? This was so awkward. An embarrassed flush ran up to her face from her chest. She'd let him hold her, comfort her, had even cried a little on him, and then she'd fallen asleep in his bed, still clinging to him like climbing ivy.

"You're thinking too loudly."

Nanao shot up at the sound of his voice. She tried to get to her knees but tripped on one of his legs and fell against his chest, half upright. He was lying on his side and she pushed against his chest to try to get up but instead of providing resistance he just fell easily onto his back. She followed, surprised, landing harder against his bare chest than either of them expected. She shoved herself up on her hands and was stilled by a hand across her back.

"I'm not," she said, looking at him from only inches away. Her brows were drawn together tightly.

"You're not what?" he asked in a lazy voice. His face was relaxed and his eyelids only half-open, as if he'd just woke, but his eyes were intense and focused on her. One of his hands came up and stroked her cheek, her neck, and the hollow at the base of her throat in long movements.

"What?" She was thoroughly distracted. The hand on her back massaged the muscles in her lower back and it felt divine.

"You said you're not something?" He never stopped the slow touch of his hands.

"Thinking. I'm not thinking," she snapped.

He smiled, white teeth flashing.

"This is your fault."

"I hope so, sweetheart." He used his gentle touches to angle her face closer to his until there was only the space of a whisper between them.

"I'm going to get up," she whispered, but did not move. They stared at each other for a long minute. Nanao was intensely aware of the heat of his body, the pressure of his hands, and the closeness of his lips. If she moved her head slightly they'd be kissing. She swallowed and darted her tongue across her lips. His eyes followed each small movement closely.

"I have to think." She wiggled back from him, rising on her hands. Her body felt slow and filled with liquid heat.

"If that's what you want, lovely Nanao-chan." He trailed his hand down her throat and across her shoulder.

"Shut up," she said crossly, batting his hand away and rising from the bed. What she wanted had nothing to do with what she was doing now. Since this was entirely his fault, she scowled down at him. He smiled at her.

Suddenly Nanao noticed that when she looked down she could see a lot of her own skin. Her yukata gaped open at the front, revealing a long strip of pale flesh all the way to her waist. Nearly half of the round shapes of her breasts showed, but her nipples were still covered, barely. No wonder he was so happy this morning.

She pulled the edges of the garment together and held it with one hand, then kicked him in one of his thighs. "This is your fault," she said. "I'm taking a bath. If you try to come in I will _end_ you. Painfully." She glared at him but his smile never slipped.

"My Nanao-chan is so vibrant in the morning."

It was only after she'd slapped the door closed and stripped to sit on the bath stool that she realized she'd marched away into his bathroom and that she'd have to walk back through his bedroom to get to the guest room where her things were.

She groaned and smacked herself lightly on the head.

Cool water soothed the embarrassment and arousal that had filled her body in the bedroom. She relaxed slowly, sighing for a long moment when she slipped into the warm bath. Tension rushed back in when a stray question slid into her mind.

Should she have stayed in bed with him?

Past the immediate and automatic denial that popped up as a matter of habit, she felt uncertain. Nanao had decided she wanted to spend the rest of her time in the Gotei 13 with him, experiencing the romantic relationship she'd denied them for so long. Staying in bed with him would have given her a big part of that experience she'd wanted.

Still, she shook her head. What she really wanted was not just sex; she wanted everything a complete relationship with him would offer. Whether or not he wanted the same thing was another question.

Perhaps she should just ask him.

Another automatic denial rose in her at this thought, but she brushed it aside. Nanao had never considered before being a woman who would initiate a romantic relationship with a man, but at this point she needed to think about the possibility. Rangiku had advised Nanao often enough about reaching out for what you really want without fear. Waiting around for a man to do something was not who Nanao was in any other part of her life, so why would that be who she was in romantic relationships?

Captain Kyōraku already expressed his personal interest in her several times a day. Assuming his interest was genuine and romantic, not just sexual—which was itself a large gamble, especially considering his past behavior—he had already left himself open to her. She remembered him guiding her lips close to his but not kissing her. Was he waiting for her?

Waiting for her to make a decision, to close that final distance between them she maintained so carefully. She flicked the water of the bath, annoyed. How very like him that was. He didn't want her to feel forced or uncertain, so he hung his intentions out wrapped in light flirtation. He'd lived for thousands of years. If Nanao took thirty, forty, even a hundred years to respond positively to his attention that would be fine for him. After all, he had all the time in the world.

She didn't.

Time was running short for the status quo of Nanao's life as it had existed for the whole of her adulthood. She did not have endless years to contemplate the possible outcomes of a romantic relationship with him.

"I have to think," she'd told him.

But now she needed to act.

* * *

  
When Nanao came out of the bathroom she was relieved to see the doors to the porch open and her captain lounging outside, looking off into his gardens. She retrieved her glasses and hairclip, and went into the guest room to put on a fresh yukata, this one a rich green with large lavender flowers patterned on it.

In the kitchen she put together a simple breakfast and made a note to pick up groceries soon. Her captain didn't keep a pantry that could really feed two people for several days in a row. He employed an older couple—they tended the extensive gardens and cleaned up his home when he asked for it, hiring additional help when they needed it—but they did not live in or see to his pantry. He valued his solitude and privacy over the convenience of being served constantly in the way Captain Kuchiki was.

She called him in to eat and they shared the meal amiably. By mutual unspoken agreement neither of them mentioned the events of the morning. She studied his face while he talked about getting a new sofa for their office. His hair was pulled back messily into a ponytail and his facial hair was thicker and scruffier than usual. He hadn't been able to clean up yet, since she'd commandeered his bathroom.

Objectively she knew there were much handsomer men in Soul Society; she worked with many of them. Captain Kyōraku's face lacked the icy refinement of Captain Kuchiki's; he did not have the edge of Vice Captain Hisagi or the perfect symmetry of Eighth Seat Ogidō, the member of Fourth Division who was so popular with women.

Yet Captain Kyōraku was the man she'd coveted privately for years. It was his face she wanted to see and his hands she wanted touching her. Nanao had rarely dated; she disliked wasting time, and evenings spent in the company of tepid men who could not dislodge her captain from her heart were her definition of wasted time.

He was looking at her, one brow raised. She realized he was waiting for a reply of some kind about the sofa. Though she hadn't followed his words, she was certain she knew the course this conversation was supposed to take. They'd had it at least once a month for the last year. "There is no room in the budget to accommodate a new sofa. You are welcome to fill out a requisition request for next quarter, although 'I don't like the color' is not likely to get the funds for you from First Division."

"But Nanao-chan, the sofa is also too small to nap really comfortably on. We need a longer sofa," he said earnestly.

"The purpose of our office furniture is not to accommodate your naps, captain." Nanao sipped her tea, a nice orange pekoe from his cupboard.

"But precious Nanao-chan, I'm so much more productive and efficient when I'm well rested!"

"Are you, captain? Somehow I've never noticed anything like that." She raised one brow at his pouting face. "If you really want new furniture, the division does have money in the budget next quarter for new furniture for the common room. We could put our current office furniture in the common room and buy new furniture for our office with those funds."

"That would be ideal, Nanao-chan. Let's do that. I want—"

"If we do this, there are conditions, captain," she said, cutting him off. "I will select the new furniture. It will not be pink. You will be extra careful with our current furniture, because if it sustains any damage I will not send it to the common room. I'm only willing to do this because our furniture is relatively new and still very nice, even if it is an awful mauve."

"The color looked better in the catalog, Nanao-chan."

She made a scornful noise in her throat.

"And it's not as if the color will matter after a few division parties." He smiled at her.

Nanao winced at the thought of the inevitable damage to any objects left in the common room for more than a few weeks. "That is unfortunately true."

"Speaking of parties, we should go to the division soon," he said.

"You need to get checked out at the Fourth tomorrow, and I thought you'd want to visit with Captain Ukitake. Perhaps we can go to our division the day after tomorrow?"

"That sounds good."

"I'll make the party arrangements with our Third Seat. Pull down your yukata, please." Nanao stood and padded around the table to kneel behind him.

"I'm always willing to strip off my clothes for my precious Nanao-chan." He shrugged out of his yukata to bare his upper body.

"Your wounds are looking much better," she said, tracing around them faintly with her hands. "Are you in pain?"

"It's less today than it was yesterday."

Nanao started the healing session, one hand on the sword wound cutting down his back and one on the cero wound. She worked her healing in silence, sending her reiatsu through his body and following with the healing kidō. He might not really need this full body healing now, but it was not difficult for her to do and he seemed to enjoy it.

After the kidō light faded from her hands, she smoothed her palms over the wounds. "These are healing very well." She was pleased by the sight of pink skin instead of what had been ugly scabbing over the cero injury. The sword wounds from Aizen and the Espada would undoubtedly scar, but even those marks could be faded away with time and certain kidō treatments.

"It's all because of my Nanao-chan's tender care," he said, turning and reaching for her with his lips puckered ridiculously.

Nanao evaded him easily and began to gather the breakfast dishes. "Since you're feeling so good, you should have no problems with cleaning yourself up today."

"But Nanao-chan, what if I slip in the bath and injure myself? I need your delicate hands to help me wash, to gently soap my skin, to caress my—"

"In that case, I'll send for Third Seat Enjōji to assist you. He will most definitely be able to save you from a falling injury in the bath." She sailed into the kitchen with the breakfast dishes.

"Nanao-chan is cruel today," he remarked from the entrance of the kitchen. He watched her with benign interest.

It was only late morning and Nanao already felt like all her nerves were frayed. She wanted some time to do normal things, to reestablish herself in familiar work. Thinking about changes in her relationship with Captain Kyōraku, worrying over the possible punishments from Central 46 and the captain commander for her crimes in the command post, and waking up in an intimate situation with her captain this morning were all spiking her stress levels.

She had a brief fantasy of going into the Eighth Division and sitting down at her desk to a nice cup of tea and a pile of paperwork, secure in the knowledge that her life was unchanging. Unfortunately, even if she went into her office today, she would know that things were changing, that parts of her life were out of her control. Nanao hated that.

"I have to be cruel today." She kept her back to him as she washed dishes.

"Do you, Nanao-chan?" There was no condemnation in his voice, only warmth.

She twisted around to look at him for a moment, but couldn't find anything to say.

Whatever he saw in her eyes was enough. "Don't worry so much. It's a good time to relax, isn't it? When was the last time you took a real break from work? There's at least a few days before you'll be able to go to the office. You should try to enjoy yourself, Nanao-chan. I'll be in the bath. If you want my help with relaxing or enjoying, lovely Nanao-chan is welcome to join me."

She threw a dish towel at his grinning face.


	10. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Nanao sat on a cushion on the porch overlooking her captain's garden. Spread around her were several piles of trading cards. She was enormously pleased with these cards, which were proofs for sets that would be going to the printer after her approval. The first shinigami trading card attempt by the SWA had been disastrous, but this effort had been monitored much more closely by Nanao and the results were far better.

"What's all this?" Captain Kyōraku stepped onto the porch from the entrance in his bedroom. He walked down towards Nanao and sat near her with his back resting on a support beam. He'd bathed and changed into a fresh yukata. His hairpins stuck out of his hair tie at jaunty angles.

"Trading cards of prominent shinigami in the Gotei 13. The Ryoka are also in the set, as there is a lot of interest in them. It's a fundraiser for the Women's Association." She handed him one of the piles of cards. "These are the most common cards, which will be easiest to collect."

"They're profiles of captains and vice captains?" He flipped through the cards, looking at the pictures. "Nanao-chan, I'm sleeping in this picture."

"We tried to be true to life." Nanao had taken the picture of Captain Kyōraku herself earlier this year. She felt the shot of him sleeping under a tree was an accurate portrait of how he spent much of his time.

"Well, you have Ukitake smiling, Toshiro-kun frowning, Yama-jii looking old and wise, but why do I have to be sleeping?" He held up the card of himself and tapped the picture.

"Because you were sleeping in the middle of the workday when I needed to take the picture," she said.

"You took this picture?" he asked, looking at it with renewed interest.

"Yes. If you don't want to be portrayed as lazy at work, perhaps you shouldn't nap so much during working hours." Nanao reached for the cards in his hand, but he pulled them away.

"I haven't finished looking yet. I want to see my Nanao-chan's card."

She sighed but watched him searching through the pictures, knowing he'd found hers when he stopped for a long moment. It was a very ordinary picture, and Nanao knew she looked very ordinary in it, seated at her desk with a brush in one hand and a stack of work in front of her.

"Who took this picture?" His eyes skimmed over the biographical information under the photo, but it was only about her position in the Eighth Division and her column in Seireitei Bulletin.

"Rangiku-san."

"I wish you had asked me to help with your photo project. I would be happy to follow my sweet Nanao-chan around with a camera," he teased, leaning towards her.

"I'm sure you would be, captain." She tugged the stack of cards away from him. "As I said, these are the common cards, and the pictures are intended to reflect daily life for each shinigami. If you're interested in rarer photos, then you want to see these cards," she said, handing him a stack of different cards.

He flipped through the stack, pausing longer over each photo. At a photo of Mayuri Kurotsuchi smiling he shuddered. "I thought a smile might be a bit of an improvement, but actually it just makes him look creepier."

Nanao nodded. "Nemu-san took the picture for us. Apparently he was smiling at his successful development of a new type of edible bomb."

"I don't think I need to collect this one," he said, flipping to the next photo. "Yare, Nanao-chan, this isn't a rare sight at all."

He held up a card with Rangiku smiling, cheeks pink, cleavage prominent, and a bottle of sake clutched in her hand. Nanao only shrugged until he held up two more cards featuring Rangiku and her cleavage. "Well, we felt that sales would be improved if we included several cards of certain popular shinigami."

"I see." He passed photos of Vice Captain Hisagi shirtless, Captain Hitsugaya with his shikai out, and stopped at a photo of a very handsome man. "Who is this? Eighth Seat of Fourth Division? He gets to be on a card?"

Nanao adjusted her glasses. "Eighth Seat Ogidō has a large following among the female shinigami population."

"I can see why. Still, it doesn't seem fair, when Ukitake's Third Seats have to share a card."

"Fairness has no place in a fundraiser, captain. Eighth Seat Ogidō is very handsome and he was ranked very high in the SWA's recent poll of the Most Interesting Men in Seireitei."

He glanced up at her, surprised. "Do you think he's handsome, Nanao-chan?"

"It doesn't matter what I think. He obviously has many fine facial features that are attractively arranged. Nemu-san did a study about what makes men physically attractive, if you are really interested in information on Eighth Seat Ogidō."

"I'm not interested in Eighth Seat Ogidō. I want to know if you're interested in him." He leaned towards her, his face a little teasing and a little serious.

Nanao made an impatient noise. "I'm interested in selling a lot of cards with his face on them," she said, adjusting her glasses again. Her captain was being ridiculous. Still, she didn't want to date Ogidō, and she supposed it wouldn't hurt to say so. "But no, I have no interest in Ogidō-san personally."

He leaned back against the beam, smiling at her. "Where did I rank in that poll?" He sorted through the cards idly.

"I don't remember," she lied.

"Who did you vote for, Nanao-chan?"

"Voting and poll results are a private SWA matter, captain." She picked up the stack of common cards and began sorting them into order by division.

"But you just told me about Ogidō-kun's ranking in the poll." He held up a card of Captain Kuchiki walking in his garden, head turned towards the camera. "How did you manage this?"

"Rukia Kuchiki is a member of the SWA. Captain Kuchiki was willing to be photographed in a limited quantity if he was given approval of the pictures to be used." Nanao smiled a little. Any photographs of Captain Kuchiki were very rare and sure to bring out lots of buyers for the trading cards. It didn't matter that there would be no racy content—in his other photo, he led a calligraphy class—he was a subject of such high interest that people would buy anything with him on it.

"So three pictures of Rangiku-san, three of Toshiro-kun, two of Byakuya-kun—how many photos of lovely Nanao-chan are in this rare cards set?"

"One."

"Only one?" he asked, brows raised in surprise.

"I am not a person of particular interest." She met his eyes.

"You're of the greatest interest to me, Nanao-chan," he said, his voice warm and his eyes sincere.

"You are not the only audience for our fundraising, captain. We intend to sell a great many cards, and the best way to do that is with extra rare cards of the most popular shinigami." She debated a moment, then continued, "Actually, the only reason I have a card in that set at all is because Rangiku-san insisted."

"I'll have to thank her for that." He stopped glancing through the cards and pulled one out. Nanao caught a glimpse of it and saw that it was her card. In the picture she was sitting on a pink surface, looking at something beside her, her head turned slightly in that direction. A small smile sat on her lips and a light blush bloomed on her cheeks. Her eyes were glittering and happy behind her glasses.

It was an unguarded moment for Nanao, and she hadn't been happy when Rangiku insisted it should go into the set, but everyone from the SWA was going to be on a rare card, and that meant Nanao too. This was a good picture of her, and it was from a day she remembered fondly, so it went into the set.

"Who took this picture?" Captain Kyōraku asked with his eyes locked on the card.

"Rangiku-san." She wondered if he liked the photo or not. He'd been obviously disappointed with the dull, unsmiling photo of her in the common set.

"What's made you so happy in this picture, Nanao-chan?" He lifted his eyes to hers, leaning towards her.

She dropped her eyes to his hands and took the card of herself away, tugging when he didn't release it immediately. From his other hand she took the stack of rare cards. The card of herself she set down between them, facing him. She sorted through the stack of cards, pulling one out. This card she placed next to the card of herself.

It was a picture of Captain Kyōraku sitting on his pink haori, looking away from the camera, a wide grin on his face and a dish of sake in his hand. He wasn't wearing his hat and his clothes stuck to him in a way that suggested he was soaking wet. But the pleasure on his face was so strong that it was apparent the dampness didn't bother him.

With the cards side by side, it was clear that they were from the same photograph. Nanao's happiness was because of her captain.

"It was one picture. Rangiku-san suggested we use each half for one of the cards," she said. She kept her eyes on the cards and did not look up at him, though she felt the weight of his eyes on her.

"This was the day of the summer party, when the roof caught fire and you drowned the courtyard."

"Rangiku-san came by later in the afternoon, towards the end of the party. Do you remember?"

"I remember. Nanao-chan," he said, and she reluctantly lifted her head to look at him. "You should always be this happy."

"That's not—" she began, but he lifted one hand to cup her cheek. Nanao's heart fluttered rapidly in her chest. She couldn't say the rest of her intended sentence: that it wasn't up to him to make her happy. How could she say that when so much of her happiness and heartache was because of him?

His thumb brushed over her cheekbone and Nanao panicked a little. It felt like this morning had, like an opportunity she didn't know how to use, so she moved away from his hand to gather up the trading cards with jerky movements.

He dropped his hand and leaned back against the post. When she tried to pick up the cards of herself and her captain, he stopped her by putting his large hand on top of his. "I want to keep these."

Nanao shook her head. "These are the proofs for the printer. I need to approve these so the set can be printed." He didn't lift his hand, warm and large over hers, so she added: "You can buy the cards when they come out and collect these pictures."

"Can I buy these cards specifically?" His voice was lazy but there was a heat underneath that made Nanao's nerves electric.

"You can buy packets of the cards. The packets will have a random assortment of common and rare cards, with fewer of the rare ones. Nemu-san calculated that if you purchase 85 packets of cards, you are likely to achieve a complete set."

"85 packets? That's an awful lot of cards to buy, Nanao-chan." He smiled at her.

"It's a fundraiser. The entire purpose is to sell as many cards as possible."

"My Nanao-chan is a little mercenary." His long fingers stroked the wrist of the hand he'd trapped.

"If you don't want to purchase that many cards, you can always attempt to trade the cards you do have for the ones you want. Rangiku-san or Captain Kuchiki's cards should be in very high demand. You'll probably be able to trade for my card very easily. His hand didn't lift, so she added quickly, "Rangiku-san still has the original photograph."

She tugged her hand free of his and tucked the cards back into the rare set. "I'm going to do some work. Please excuse me, captain."

At the threshold to the house she paused when he spoke. "I want to see you smile like that again soon, Nanao-chan."

She nodded once and walked into the house, away from him.

*****

At her captain's desk Nanao moved aside the stacks of sorted papers to clear a workspace for herself. With a fresh brush and a blank page she started work on something she'd been thinking about since she realized she'd likely soon lose her position as the vice captain of the Eighth: a manual for running the division.

While she did not believe she could lead the division alone—her captain was definitely the guiding light of the troops—she was certain that she alone ran the day-to-day operations of the division. She suspected strongly that Captain Kyōraku was fully capable of doing paperwork, filing requisitions, and making up schedules, but that he chose not to do so. Nanao thought that doing the same forms over the course of centuries might eventually wear thin.

That was why she'd gotten the idea for this manual. When she was gone, stripped of her rank and perhaps exiled, perhaps imprisoned in the Maggot's Nest—she could only guess what would happen—the ranked officers in the Eighth would have a guide to all of the work she'd done for decades.

And when her captain chose a new vice captain—her heart clenched painfully at the thought—that person would be able to step into her shoes well-informed of the responsibilities of the position. Nanao did do more than many other vice captains, both because her captain did as little desk work as he could, and because Nanao was inclined to simply do tasks that would take her more time to explain to a subordinate than she would take to complete them.

She worked on the manual for the entire afternoon. The day was slipping towards evening when a delicate hell butterfly wove its way through an open window and across the room to her hand. It was a message from Vice Captain Sasakibe: _Vice Captain Ise, I have received your report on the events during your command of the Gotei 13. I wish to inform you that I have also received a formal complaint from Vice Captain Takahashi of the Kidō Corps. Additional reports from witnesses to the events of the command post are being collected, however, no decision will be made until the captain commander is well enough to review the reports and determine if the matter of your alleged crimes is severe enough to require referral to the Central 46 or if it can be handled by Captain Yamamoto._

_It is worth noting that Vice Captain Takahashi has sent a copy of his report to the Central 46 directly, so the larger question of your alleged crimes may not rest in the captain commander's hands at all. If you would care to come to First Division on Thursday afternoon, we can meet over tea to discuss the matter personally._

Nanao watched the butterfly flapping around the desk, awaiting a reply message. Thursday was in three days. She was surprised by the candor of Vice Captain Sasakibe's message, but they had both been vice captains for decades—perhaps he considered this a due courtesy to a colleague?

She dashed off a message on the butterfly, thanking Sasakibe for his information and agreeing to meet with him on Thursday. For a long time, she thought of nothing at all, and when a thought did come it was only: _So Takahashi was that awful little man's name_.

Vaguely she heard Third Seat Enjōji at the door talking with Captain Kyōraku. The smell of cooked fish and tangy soup wafted through the air. Still, she couldn't stop staring at the wall and thinking about the pig-like vice captain of the Kidō Corps.

"Sweet Nanao-chan, come and dine with me!" Captain Kyōraku called from the vicinity of the table in the main living room.

Nanao went to the table and greeted him briefly. She ate without enthusiasm, not paying attention to his efforts at conversation. After she'd made him repeat himself three times his face grew serious. "Are you worried about that complaint the Kidō Corps officer filed against you?"

"How do you know about that?" Nanao asked, shocked. "The events of the command post are still under confidentiality."

"Yes, so I don't know exactly what his complaint is, only that he's filed one. It's standard to notify a captain of any complaints filed against his ranked officers. You know that. I got a hell butterfly about it a little while ago." He watched her face with concern. "Nanao-chan, whatever it is, I'm sure you acted appropriately for the situation."

She made an irritated noise and adjusted her glasses, looking away from him.

"Yama-jii isn't going do anything serious for a complaint about actions you took at the command post during war. The complaint doesn't involve bloodshed, I know, since there's an extra notification for that. I don't know what you did to this Takahashi—" he lifted a brow at her, but she only shook her head.

"It's confidential," she snapped.

"Whatever you did to him, I'm sure he deserved it. It's going to be fine, Nanao-chan. I'm sure it will be straightened out easily after Yama-jii is better. And who knows, even if he decides to slap your wrist, he might just hand you over to my custody for me to decide an appropriate punishment." He grinned at her.

She couldn't tell him how wrong he was, how the complaint was really the least of it, so she just sighed and picked up her tea. They sat in companionable silence for several minutes. It was her captain who cleared the dinner dishes.

The sounds of him working in the kitchen soothed her a little. She'd already known this would happen, so why did she still feel so shocked and scared?

When Captain Kyōraku reappeared he had a jug of sake in one hand. "Would my sweet Nanao-chan care to join me for a drink under the stars?"

She opened her mouth to refuse automatically. The image of the hell butterfly coming down to her hand flashed across her mind. Time was short—when would she have this chance again? Already today she'd let opportunities to change their relationship slide by. "Yes."

Surprise and then pleasure crossed his face. "This is a rare delight." He offered her his hand, but she shook her head.

"I'll come out in a minute," she said.

He nodded and walked towards his bedroom. The sliding door in that room opened onto the porch overlooking the back garden, which she knew to be his favorite spot at his house.

Nanao went into her guest room and gathered a few items. She adjusted her clothes until she was as neat as she'd been this morning. She pushed up her glasses, breathed in deeply, nodded once and headed for the porch.


	11. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Outside the air was crisp and a bit chilled. The night was clear and the stars winked as Nanao stepped out to sit on a cushion with her legs tucked neatly under her. She took the sake dish he offered her and drank a small sip. She set the dish down and began to fuss with a length of bright pink fabric.

"Are you taking up scarves, Nanao-chan?" he asked. He was sitting on a cushion near Nanao but had sprawled out his legs to dangle off the porch.

"It's for Rangiku-san. I was making it for her for the SWA gift exchange at Christmas, but I thought I would visit her tomorrow and give it to her then." She folded the fabric so he could see the narcissus embroidered on the ends. "It's only a scarf, but I thought it would be good to remind her of what she still has."

He looked at the bright pink silk and the embroidered flower, symbol of the Tenth Division, for a long moment. "She'll love it, Nanao-chan."

"It's not much, after what's happened to Gin Ichimaru, but—I don't think she'll want to talk about that. And I wouldn't know what to say about it anyway. But this will remind her that she's the vice captain of the Tenth, and that I'm her friend." Nanao began to wrap the scarf in the pretty paper she'd brought from inside. There was nothing she could say to Rangiku that would make up for the loss of her childhood friend and the man she'd loved, but Nanao wanted to do something, however small.

"It's interesting that you two are friends." He sipped sake.

"Since we're so different?" Nanao began to wrap the paper package in ribbon. "It's hard not to be friends with Rangiku-san. We're close in age, but we didn't have much in common. So we weren't very intimate when we became acquaintances, but the first time we went shopping together I think we found qualities in each other that we both liked. After that, we became good friends."

"What did you find out about each other that made you close?" His voice was relaxed and curious. He was very easy for Nanao to talk to when he was like this, and she usually kept a guard up to avoid any embarrassing moments, but she wanted to ask him about something important tonight and embarrassment was hiding in the distant background behind her other emotions.

"When I was with Rangiku-san, I didn't have to be so—so Vice Captain Ise, I suppose I would say. If I was more relaxed about things, she didn't treat it as something strange. Most of the other shinigami have an idea of who I am, and if I deviate from that image at all, I'll hear gossip about myself for weeks for things that would be unremarkable in someone else. It's uncomfortable and foolish and I try to avoid scenarios like that. The easiest way is to maintain my professionalism nearly all the time."

"You shouldn't have to do something like that if you don't want to, Nanao-chan. Worrying about what strangers say about you or think of you is a waste of time. You should only be concerned with the opinions of people you know and care about." His eyes met hers briefly.

She looked back down to tie a neat bow in the ribbons on her gift. "It's easy for you to say something like that. You're a captain, and you've been one for so long that it's nothing for you to break rules or act foolish in public. But I was the youngest shinigami in our division, and then the youngest vice captain in any division, until Yachiru-san came. It was hard for me to earn the respect of my peers. Eventually I realized the best way to do that was to be more mature and more professional than shinigami five times my age. So that's who I've been, for a very long time."

His fingers brushed over the back of her hand on top of her package. She looked up and saw his face lit with warmth and understanding.

"It's not as if it's a false face—it's a large part of my personality, it's just not the whole of it. Because of my friendship with Rangiku-san, I've been able to open up more sometimes." She sipped out of her sake dish, uncomfortable with the amount she was talking about herself.

"I'm glad about that. My Nanao-chan has always been independent and a bit closed-off from other people. There's nothing really wrong with that, but there should always be at least a few people you feel comfortable being silly with, or showing your sadness or anger to. If Rangiku-san is one of those people for you, then I'm glad. I want to be one of those people for you too, Nanao-chan. I hope you can think of me that way."

She glanced at his serious face and tender eyes and thought again of how he could open himself up to her, knowing she would probably reject his sentiment out of hand. "It's more complicated with you," she said, because it was. He was her captain and a man she was attracted to romantically and sexually. They were friends also, she supposed, since they spent a lot of time together and had a lot of enjoyable conversations that were entirely unrelated to work. She trusted him implicitly—what gave her pause when she was with him was that she did not trust herself not to do or say something that would upset the careful balance their relationship had stood on for many years.

He smiled at her. "It doesn't have to be," he said, and his voice was rich with heat and suggestion.

"As if that would be simpler." She eyed him balefully. Responding positively to his advances might clarify the nature of their relationship, but she didn't see how that would _simplify_ anything. It would probably involve a world of new complications. Unfortunate, since she intended to try and move them into that new realm.

He chuckled.

She thought it would be best to return to the original subject. "So I became closer with Rangiku-san for that reason. When I think about it, her reason for wanting to be friends with me is almost the same. I noticed that she was always cheerful and joking at SWA meetings, but that it seemed forced sometimes. When we spent time alone together, if she got quiet for a while I didn't ask her about it. After we'd been friends for a few years she told me she liked that about me—that I didn't expect her to always be happy, so she didn't have to put on a bright face all the time."

"I've noticed that about her before—but then, we're drinking buddies, so I think I only see her when she wants to be cheerful and happy, even if it is forced. I'm glad that you two are friends, Nanao-chan. I'm a little surprised—I thought that you and Hinamori-kun were closer than you and Rangiku-san."

Nanao made a small sound in her throat at the thought of her friend from Fifth Division. She moved the package a few feet away and picked up her sake dish, tracing a finger around the rim. "Hinamori-san and I used to run into each other at the library often, and we would talk about books we liked. I thought we had a lot in common, since we were both vice captains, liked reading, were interested in some of the same traditional arts like embroidery. We always had a good time together at the library, but every time we would meet outside of that space, it was different."

She glanced up at him and he gestured for her to continue.

"When we would talk about something that wasn't books, _anything_ that wasn't books, she would always tell me what her captain thought about the topic. That would have been alright, except that Hinamori-san didn't have any other opinion. Ever. On anything. Every opinion was something that Captain Aizen had said, and that she'd absorbed into herself. I don't know if she really didn't have any independent thoughts on things, or if she just admired Aizen so much she was incapable of expressing an opinion different from one of his. She _worshipped_ him, and it was disturbing."

"Yet you visited her often at the hospital when she was recovering from being stabbed by Aizen." He refilled his sake dish and topped off hers.

"She's my friend, and she's very young. I thought the worship of her captain was something that she might outgrow at some point. I wasn't going to stop being her friend because of that. I tried to involve her in the SWA because I thought it would be good for her to encounter new people with other perspectives. After Aizen's betrayal, I visited her at the hospital to bring her new books and talk with her. I didn't want her to feel abandoned by her friends because of what he'd done. You know how people talk. There's been a cloud over the Third, the Fifth, and the Ninth because of what those captains did."

"No one who knows what happened believes that those vice captains or divisions had anything to do with those betrayals."

"As if that would stop people from talking about the possibility. Captain, do you have any idea how cruel gossip can be? I didn't want Hinamori-san to go through things like that. The SWA and her other friends tried to protect her. But when I visited her at the hospital the only thing she wanted to talk about was Aizen, how he must have been manipulated by Ichimaru, how he would never do such things." She made a frustrated gesture with her hand.

"Hinamori-kun was in a difficult situation. You said yourself how much she admired Aizen. To face the truth of his betrayal and his attempts to murder her and Toshiro-kun might have been too much for her at the time."

His thoughts were insightful, and she believed that they likely reflected the truth of Hinamori's situation. "I was very gentle with her. Much more gentle than I am usually inclined to be. She was very fragile. But she'd been doing better lately, so much better. She never stopped calling him Captain Aizen, but she did understand the facts of the events. And now—now the Fourth has given her to the Twelfth Division for organ replacement."

"She's alive. Everything else can be repaired with time, even the mind and the heart. Believe me, Nanao-chan. Time is indifferent to our sufferings, but eventually those pains are eased by the weight of time. For a while she may think of these events every hour, but as years pass, it may only be every day, and then memories might only creep up on her unexpectedly when she's forgotten for months or years at a time. I'm sorry about what's happened to Hinamori-kun, but she has a lot of people who want to see her well and who will help her with anything they can. She's lucky to have such good friends."

Nanao sighed. "I wish I could have done something before this happened."

He smiled at her, but his eyes were sad. "We all wish for that, Nanao-chan."

They sat in silence for several minutes, watching the stars and sipping sake.

"Did you ever think about me the way that Hinamori-kun did about Aizen?" he asked, his tone neutral.

"You mean did I ever worship you blindly?"

He nodded slightly.

Nanao sniffed and almost choked on a laugh. "Never. How could I think something like that about you?"

"Even when you were still very young?"

She raised her brows at him, but his expression was serious, so she answered him seriously. "Not even when I was a child, no. I was always aware that you were a flawed man, and I knew enough about those flaws that I could never see you as perfect. I think it's necessary to believe someone is perfect to worship them."

"You knew about my flaws?" He looked bemused.

"It isn't as if you've ever tried to hide them. You drink, womanize, neglect your work, and for a man who is the leader of a large group of troops, you like your solitude quite a lot, among other things. I didn't notice the part about the solitude until I was your vice captain, to be fair. The other three I could see from the time I joined the division, and Vice Captain Yadōmaru clarified them for me when I asked."

"Lisa-chan talked to you about my activities? But you were a _child_." She was amused to see him look scandalized.

"She was a big believer in fulfilling curiosity. And she wasn't explicit, obviously."

He looked faintly relieved. "With Lisa-chan, it isn't obvious that she would hold back."

That was the truth, and Nanao nodded.

"You think I like solitude too much?"

"I didn't say that. But for a man with a gregarious reputation who leads a division known for its parties, you do spend quite a bit of your time alone. Did you think you were just lucky when I didn't come to find you when you really wanted to be by yourself? I taught Captain Hitsugaya that tracking kidō. I could find you anywhere."

"My Nanao-chan knows me so well," he said, his eyes intense on hers. He leaned towards her, resting some of his weight on one of his hands.

She tried to fight down a blush and resisted the need to move away from his proximity. "In any case, you needn't worry. I have always respected you as my captain, but I have never felt anything remotely approaching worship for you."

"That's a relief. There are plenty of feelings I'd like to have from you, but worship isn't one of them. On the other hand, I can think of several acts of worship I'd like to do for my Nanao-chan. I would worship you with my lips, kissing you all the way to your—"

"Finish that sentence and you're going to kiss _The Unabridged Encyclopedia of Kidō Incantations_ so hard you'll cringe if you so much as hear the word worship."

He leaned even closer, so his face was level with hers and only inches away. He seemed caught between intensity and teasing, his mouth smiling but his eyes narrowed. When he spoke his voice was dark silk. "I think it's an empty threat, sweetheart. I think if I kissed you now, you wouldn't stop me. I think you'd let me taste your mouth. What do you think of that, Nanao-chan?"

Her hands clenched together on her lap. She took a few darting breaths. This was what she wanted, but if they did this before she talked to him it might not mean what Nanao needed it to mean. "I have the _Encyclopedia_ with my things in the guest bedroom."

"Do you really?" At her small nod he chuckled. "Well, you have been particularly honest and open today. Yet it's a bit of a stretch to think you'd pack that heavy book just to leave it in your bedroom." He deliberately leaned closer still, until only an inch separated their faces.

He was so close Nanao couldn't focus on his whole face, only pieces of it—his strong nose, his rich dark eyes, his wide mouth. "You never know when you'll need to reference obscure kidō spells."

His lips turned up. "Is that so?"

"Yes. You noticed I was being very honest today?"

"I notice everything about you. You've been very open with me since last night. Wasn't it deliberate?"

She swallowed twice. Her voice was small when she answered. "Yes."

"Did you want to tell me something, Nanao?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"Tell me."

But she did not speak.

He was going to kiss her. She could read it in the minute tensing of his face. Electric sparks flowed through Nanao's body. At the last moment she jerked her head away and pressed her hand against his mouth.

He groaned and his teeth nipped lightly at her fingers.

"I need to talk to you," she said. "So sit. And give back my hand." She tugged her hand back into her lap, ignoring wet patches where he'd bitten at her.

"Cruel, cruel Nanao-chan." He flopped back on his cushion and poured himself a fresh drink.

She struggled for a minute with how to go about this, and decided to take refuge where she was most comfortable: a professional attitude. Neatly she spun around on her cushion so that she was facing her captain instead of looking off at the stars. Her shoulders straightened and her face smoothed into an even expression. "As you are undoubtedly aware, your treatment of me has been at times highly unprofessional. This is something that I would like you to change when we are in the office."

His eyes narrowed briefly at her phrasing. "Only when we're in the office, Nanao-chan?"

"I have come to the conclusion that I would like to enter into a trial period for a more intimate personal relationship between us, if that is agreeable to you." Nanao clasped her hands together in her lap and forced her face to maintain a neutral expression.

Captain Kyōraku blinked several times. Nanao took a small satisfaction in seeing him act as if he'd been struck very hard in the head. When he didn't speak after a few seconds, she began to get irritated.

"If you aren't interested in having a personal relationship, I would appreciate it if you would say so. Also, if you aren't interested, you need to stop your inappropriate behavior towards me. It is unacceptable for you to behave in this harassing manner towards women, especially someone you work with." Her voice rose with her growing levels of irritation. Really, how dare he spend hours each day making advances if there was nothing behind them?

"Nanao-chan, don't get angry. I'm just a little surprised," he said quickly. "Could you explain a little more of what you want? When you say intimate—ah, why don't you explain first?"

She crossed her arms over her chest and scowled at him. "I want to have a trial period of dating. If you are not clear on what modern dating involves, which is possible, since it's a newer idea and most of the buildings in Seireitei are younger than you, I suppose you could say it's like courtship, only less medieval. If you aren't interested, just say so, and we never have to talk about this again."

"I didn't say I wasn't interested. You want to be courted, lovely Nanao-chan?" His eyes softened and he reached a hand out for her waist. She slapped him away with her empty sake dish.

"Trial period. Of dating," she snapped. Suddenly a dark thought occurred to her. "Were you only interested in going to bed with me?"

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go to bed with you. But that is definitely not all that I want. I'd be honored to court you, Nanao-chan."

This relieved her and tensed her at the same time. He hadn't refused her, and he hadn't only wanted to have sex with her, but now things would change between them, and that was unnerving. "Wait. There are conditions."

He only smiled at her. That she had terms was apparently not a surprise.

"First, we will date each other exclusively during the trial period. If you pick up another woman, we're done. No exceptions." This was the condition she was most serious about, and her frowning face reflected that.

"I don't want another woman if I can have you." His voice was that dark silk again.

"Second, you will not embarrass me in front of our division or in public." She paused. "That's probably impossible, but at the least, do nothing out of the ordinary. Do not discuss our private relationship with everyone you meet."

"I can be discreet." He raised a brow as she tried to swallow her laughter and began to cough. "I can. Besides, I've already serenaded you from the division courtyard twice this year and proclaimed my love during that joint budget meeting between the captains and vice captains."

She sighed after her coughing subsided. "That's true. I will never forget that meeting."  
She sighed again.

"That's so romantic, Nanao-chan."

"I very nearly used a kidō to freeze you in time and teleport you to another place. But it's forbidden."

"My cute Nanao-chan is so clever with kidō."

"I also considered cutting your tongue out with my zanpakutō, but it wouldn't have been fair to the others in the meeting to cover them with blood and distract them from the budget discussion."

"My beautiful Nanao-chan is so considerate."

"I suppose it can't really get worse than that," she said glumly.

"That meeting was a moment of pure romance, Nanao-chan."

"I hid in the office for three weeks. At the vice captains' meeting, Rangiku-san made Hisagi-san act out the scene, in case anyone had forgotten the details. I nearly took off my glasses and blasted them out the window with a lightning kidō."

"My Nanao-chan has such excellent self-control."

"If you ever do anything like that again, your life will be in serious jeopardy." She adjusted her glasses to add menace, but he did not look particularly threatened. It was difficult to intimidate one of the most powerful captains in Soul Society.

"I could never let you forget my feelings, no matter the jeopardy." He put his hand over his heart with mock solemnity.

"At least _try_ to meet the second condition."

"Anything for my Nanao-chan." He grinned at her.

"The last condition is the trial period. The trial will last for two weeks."

"That's awfully short, Nanao-chan. What happens at the end of two weeks?"

 _I'll be stripped of my rank and perhaps in the Rukongai or exile in the Living World._ She frowned at the thought. Two weeks was her best guess on how long it might take for the Central 46 to consider her case. Obviously Aizen had to be dealt with first, and that might take some time. Then all the reports about the command post had to be gathered and read, further testimony taken, and deliberations done. Vice Captain Sasakibe might be able to give her a better idea when she saw him.

But Captain Kyōraku couldn't be told any of that. "At the end of the trial, we will decide individually if we wish to continue the personal relationship," she said.

"I want to continue the relationship."

"You can't decide that now," she snapped. "Two weeks should be enough time to consider whether something like this could work between us. I see no reason to spend more time on it if we aren't compatible."

"We're compatible."

"Two weeks. Can you agree to the condition or not?"

"Two weeks to court you? I accept, of course." He grinned again.

"Good, then we're agreed." Nanao nodded once, some of the tension leaving her. She had no idea what would happen now, but she'd reached out for what she wanted and changed their relationship.

"An agreement like this should be sealed."

Nanao gazed at him in confusion. "Do you want to sign a contract?"

"No, precious. I was thinking of something more like this," he said, shifting close to her and cupping her cheek with one large hand. His lips hovered the barest distance from hers.

He was so close she could feel the heat of his body through his clothes. He smelled of sake and musk and the autumn. Faint tremors were streaking through Nanao's body. Her hand came up to his face, but this time she rested it on his jaw, rubbing his scruffy facial hair. Nanao's eyes drifted closed.

His lips were firm and warm against hers. He kissed her tenderly, leisurely, as if they had eternity to spend on this moment. His teeth nipped lightly at her bottom lip and his tongue teased the seam of her lips. She made a little sound and opened her mouth. His hand stroked her skin approvingly.

His tongue slipped into her mouth, teasing her tongue. He tasted like sake and something else, his own masculine taste. Nanao's body felt like it was filled with honey, heavy and slow and hot. She sighed when he left her mouth to lavish kisses along her neck.

"Captain," she gasped.

"No, Nanao. Call me Shunsui. We're having an intimate personal relationship, after all." He murmured his words into the skin at the crook of her neck. His lips suckled at her skin, sending a jolt down her body. Her hands grasped at him, one clutching the back of his neck, the other wound around his arm.

He came back to her mouth and she welcomed him in. She offered up her lips and tongue, and he feasted on them until she made little moans into his mouth. He gentled the kiss, easing back until they were just brushing their lips together.

Her heart leaped erratically and he soothed the pulse in her neck with caressing fingers. He pulled her close, leaning her into his side, her head resting on his chest.

"I'm a man who likes to take his time with things, and you've offered me very little time. But don't worry, sweetheart, before these two weeks are over it'll be very clear to you why you should give me much, much more of your time."

"Captain," she said, but couldn't continue.

"Shunsui. Use my name, Nanao-chan."

She shook her head. "Captain—"

"Shunsui. Is it that difficult to say, Nanao-chan?"

"Yes. I've called you captain for a very long time, and I still need to call you captain in many situations."

"My proper Nanao-chan. I don't care if you never call me captain again."

She shook her head at that. He stroked her hair with one heavy hand. He'd freed it of her hairpin at some point during their kiss. Her body relaxed into his. She was warm and comfortable, with a ribbon of heat still running through her. They stayed that way for a long time.

She was close to sleep when she remembered she still had something to do. Nanao pulled away from him and covered a yawn with one hand. "Take off your top. I have to heal you one more time today."

"I will give up my clothes at Nanao-chan's request any time," he said, shrugging out of his top.

Her hands lit up as she moved behind him. She eased her reiatsu through him when the kidō was established, sending the healing spell after it. She felt an intimate connection with him, but it was more comfortable now than it had been the first time she'd done this, in the hospital. The healing session went on for several minutes.

The light in her hands winked out and she yawned again. How long had they talked on the porch? It felt very late to Nanao. "I'm going to bed. Good night, captain." She rose from her position behind him.

He clasped her hand gently in one of his. "You could stay with me if you wanted."

She turned her body slightly to look at him. His face was serious. He wanted to have sex today, before they'd really even begun dating? "Captain, that's not—"

"To sleep, Nanao-chan. I slept so well with you beside me."

Nanao had slept well with him wrapped around her. She shook her head. "I don't think it's a good idea."

He nodded. "If you change your mind, I'll be here or in my room." He released her hand, smiling slightly.

"Don't stay up all night. I don't know when Captain Unohana will want to see you tomorrow. It could be early."

His smile only grew at her words. "Retsu-san won't send for me early."

As she was crossed into the house he said, "Sleep well, Nanao-chan."

She paused and nodded. "Sleep well, captain."


	12. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Nanao stood in Karakura town, watching Aizen's sword rip through Captain Kyōraku. Everything seemed to happen very slowly, just as it had when she'd seen it in the Twelfth Division, but now she stood on the ground and watched the events above her.

Aizen smiled, a malicious little smirk, as his sword carved into her captain's muscle and bone. Captain Kyōraku's eyes widened, a moment of shock that hung in the air with his body, which finally fell, blood streaking up to the sky in a crimson ribbon.

She ran towards the spot where he had fallen, frantic. The street was littered with debris and dust clouds, and she fought through several twisted steel beams. "Captain Kyōraku!" she shouted, over and over.

No matter how deep into the wreckage of Karakura she went, she could not find him. No answer came to her calls. "Shunsui!" she shouted, desperate for an answer.

There was only silence.

She fell suddenly through the street, landing after minutes or hours of unrelenting darkness.

She landed in Karakura town, pristine and untouched. She searched the skies for the shinigami, for her captain, and could not find anyone up there.

But the streets were littered with the bodies of people. At first she thought they might be dead, but a closer look told her they were sleeping, chests rising and falling with each breath.

Nanao walked the streets slowly. In the distance she could see the barrier separating the town from the rest of Soul Society. There were hundreds of small figures dressed in black, and she knew them to be members of the Kidō Corps. They milled around aimlessly, rows of neat machines nesting between them.

Suddenly they all came to attention and each ran to a specific machine, taking up a ready position. Realization hit Nanao and she began to run for the barrier, shouting. "No! Stop! I didn't give the order! I never gave the order!"

But they did not stop.

All around her the bodies of the sleeping humans began to writhe. Choking noises and cut–off screams surrounded her. The souls were wretched from the bodies by an invisible force and began to disintegrate, flaking away into ash as they screamed at the pain of the decay and the knowledge of their own deaths.

Nanao ran for the barrier, _ran_ , but halted suddenly as she realized the sounds had stopped. She turned around. Behind her lay a street of corpses. The stillness was absolute and she wondered how she could have ever mistaken sleep for death before.

Death had a silence that could not be imitated.

Nanao came awake suddenly, the blanket twisted around her. She fought free of them, surprised to see her hands shake. Her breath came in small pants, and she felt wetness on her cheeks. Tears?

She stumbled up from her bed, nearly falling to her knees in her haste. It hadn't happened—none of it had happened like that, and her captain was alive and Karakura town was restored to the Living World, populated by a cheerfully ignorant humanity.

These were the facts, but they gave her no comfort. If she could just see him alive, and hear him breathe, then she would be able to believe what she knew to be true. She opened the door to his room but hesitated at the threshold.

She heard his breathing, and that calmed her a little, but not fully. A few steps into the dark room she stopped again.

"Nanao-chan? Come here, sweetheart." His voice was full of sleep but alive. He opened his arms for her, and she stumbled down into them with a small sob.

He was warm and solid and she rubbed her face into his chest, her hands climbing to cling to his shoulders.

"Nanao-chan. It's alright now, Nanao-chan." He whispered soothing words and held her close. His hand stroked her back in long movements.

Her breathing eased and her heart steadied. Tomorrow there would still be problems, swords hanging over her head, but right now, she was with him, and it was enough.

* * *

Nanao's internal clock woke her at the time she usually rose for work. She glanced at the early morning light out the window and then at the man beside her. The air was crisp with a bite that spoke of autumn. She considered rising, but she was not going to work today, and Captain Unohana would send a hell butterfly when she had time to see Captain Kyōraku.

 _Shunsui_ , she thought, and it put a secret smile on her face. Instead of starting her day she pulled up the blanket around her waist and snuggled back against Shunsui until she was cocooned in warmth. The arm he already had around her tightened and one of his heavy legs shifted between hers to anchor her in the bed.

She slid back into sleep with the thought that he was playing havoc with her set routines.

* * *

The hell butterfly came after another late breakfast. Nanao sat at Shunsui's desk working on her manual for running the Eighth Division and Shunsui lounged nearby on a pile of cushions, occasionally looking through the piles of documents she'd made when she cleaned, but mostly just watching her.

Nanao was used to being the object of his regard and did not bother to try and stop him. He'd been thoughtful to her this morning, not mentioning her nightmare and not embarrassing her when she left the bed. He had dropped a kiss on the back of her neck when she began to rise up from the futon, but she'd let that go by without mention since he'd let the events of the night go without discussion.

She found herself glancing at him more than usual. They were both dressed in the black shinigami uniform, Nanao's neat and pressed, Shunsui's gaping open in the front. He'd produced from a chest an exact match for the pink haori he'd lost in battle. She'd made a sound of disbelief when she saw it, and he'd asked if she was relieved that he had a spare. A raised brow was his only answer.

Since he didn't have an extra of the captain's haori, he was wearing only black and pink. Seeing him in black was a rare experience for Nanao. She allowed herself to think pleasantly about how attractively it framed him while she drafted characters on her document.

Nanao was an expert at multitasking.

The butterfly flitted down to rest on Shunsui's hand. "Retsu-san has time to see me, if I could please present myself to Fourth Division."

Nanao nodded and set down her brush. "Let me get my present for Rangiku-san," she said, and retrieved it from the guest room.

Outside Shunsui wrapped an arm around her waist. At her cold look he grinned. "I'm faster with shunpo, Nanao-chan, and we shouldn't keep Retsu-san waiting."

She narrowed her eyes but nodded stiffly. "You will release me immediately when we arrive."

"Of course, lovely Nanao-chan."

She felt the disorientation that always came with being carried through a shunpo by someone else. In only two steps they arrived at the gates of the Fourth. He really was superior with flash step. True to his word he released her as soon as he was certain she had the ground securely under her feet, and she straightened her uniform unnecessarily.

"Remember what we talked about. Discretion," she whispered as they entered the hospital.

"Telling Ukitake about us is not included in that, though, is it, Nanao-chan? Telling him is hardly the same as telling everyone."

"Of course you should tell him. I anticipated that. Ah, if you could wait until I leave, I would prefer that." A faint flush ran up her neck to her cheeks.

He chuckled lightly and bent to put his lips near her ear. "Nanao-chan is so beautiful with that sweet blush."

The pink on her cheeks deepened at his words. They were walking up a crowded hallway. He brushed his fingers lightly over her neck and she elbowed him hard in the ribs as an automatic response. "Sorry, it was a reflex."

"Yare, Nanao-chan, I don't mind if you want to be physical with me, but perhaps there could be fewer elbows involved and more kissing." He was still hovering close to her ear so that he could keep his words private for her.

"Certainly not in the Fourth Division, although I will consider the possibility for other situations," she said primly, enjoying the surprised pleasure on his face, and then they were at the examination room Captain Unohana had specified in her message.

Captain Unohana greeted them with a smile, but she had dark shadows under her eyes. "How are you, Retsu-san?" Shunsui asked.

"I am well enough, Kyōraku-san. It's been a challenging week." She gestured for him to sit on the examining table. "Vice Captain Ise, I wanted to thank you for showing such consideration for my staff in arranging for meals to be brought to our common rooms. It was very useful and I've continued the practice for the whole week. There is still so much treatment occurring that my staff is very busy."

"Thank you, Captain Unohana. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds." Nanao was relieved the Fourth Division captain was not displeased with what she had done; Unohana was truly a frightening woman at times.

"I couldn't consider it an overreach when it was done with the health of my staff in mind." Unohana glanced at the table and saw that Shunsui had removed his top. "Shall I begin my examination?" she asked him, glancing at Nanao, asking without words if it was alright for her to be in the room.

"Please go ahead, Retsu-san," Shunsui said with a smile.

Unohana crossed the room and examined each of his wounds thoroughly, both visually and with a hand lit with kidō Nanao recognized as diagnostic. "This is very fine work, Vice Captain Ise. How many healing sessions are you doing a day?"

"Two." Nanao felt a small bubble of pride at the recognition of Captain Unohana.

"Only the finer healers among my ranked officers could achieve this with so few sessions. Most would take twice as much time for these results."

"Now, Retsu-san, you can't have my Nanao-chan. I'd be lost without her. Our whole division would be lost without her." He smiled at Nanao.

"Of course, Kyōraku-san. I was simply admiring Ise-san's excellent skill with kidō." Unohana moved around the table to face Shunsui. "I think you are fine to continue at home with two healing sessions a day. I'll want to see you in another week for a checkup, but your injuries are healing very well and I don't foresee any complications. Do you have any questions?"

"Can we visit with Ukitake and Rangiku-san today?" There was worry in his eyes, though the smile didn't slip from his face.

"Ukitake-san can have visitors, provided he doesn't speak much and doesn't tire himself. Matsumoto-san is doing quite well. At this point she is primarily staying in the hospital to be near to Captain Hitsugaya, who is recovering from serious limb reattachment surgeries."

"That's good news. Don't worry about Ukitake, I'll do all the talking," Shunsui said.

Captain Unohana gave them the room assignments for Captain Ukitake and Rangiku. They thanked her and left for visiting, after Nanao reminded Shunsui to put his clothes back on.

"Sorry, Nanao-chan, I forgot to get dressed, since you've been trying so hard to keep clothes off me lately," he murmured near her ear.

She gave him a repressive look but her lips turned up slightly. At Captain Ukitake's room they paused at the door and then Shunsui opened it a little to glance in. Finding his friend alone and in bed, he entered with a wide grin and a flourish that was unique to him. Nanao followed after and closed the door.

Captain Ukitake sat up slightly against his pillows at their arrival. His skin was pale, his lips colorless, and there were deep smudges under his eyes. Still, he smiled readily as they entered. "Kyōraku, Ise-san, how kind of you to visit."

"How are you feeling, Ukitake?" Shunsui pulled a chair over next to the bed and offered it to Nanao with a wave, but she shook her head.

"I'm feeling much better now. Retsu-san has been caring for me personally." His smile never drooped, although he looked far from recovered.

Nanao flinched internally at the memory of that boy Espada punching a hole in Captain Ukitake's chest. She set the image aside. "I'm glad that you are doing well, Captain Ukitake."

Captain Ukitake smiled. "Thank you, Ise-san. Kyōraku, I heard you don't have to be in the hospital. How are you?"

"I'm feeling wonderful. It's all due to my Nanao-chan's tender care." He smiled widely at her.

Nanao glanced out the window to prevent herself from blushing. Shunsui almost _radiated_ satisfaction with his situation, to her embarrassment. "If you will excuse me, I will leave you to your visit. I hope your recovery goes well, Captain Ukitake."

"Have a good afternoon, Ise-san," Captain Ukitake said warmly.

"Wait, Nanao-chan!" Shunsui stopped her before she could open the door. "Where should I meet you after our visits?"

"You don't have to leave when I'm finished visiting Rangiku-san. Stay as long as you like, I can find my own way to your house." Nanao was deeply conscious of Shunsui leaning in close to her and of Captain Ukitake's interested gaze.

"But lovely Nanao-chan, I'm courting you, remember? Escorting you home is my privilege." He kept his voice low and leaned over her shoulder, close to her ear.

"Fine, although this is completely unnecessary. What would you like to do?" She hoped they weren't being overheard, which was irrational since Shunsui intended to tell Captain Ukitake about their new relationship as soon as she left.

"I'll stay here with Ukitake. Come and find me when you're ready." His lips tapped a light kiss against the shell of her ear.

Nanao flushed and made a quick escape through the door.

*****

Shunsui strolled back to the chair next to the bed with a grin on his face.

"That looked interesting. She didn't even tap you with a fan for that." Ukitake reached for a cup of water on the end table, wincing with effort.

Shunsui handed it to him. "It's been an interesting week for me."

Ukitake drank the water in small, careful sips. "Tell me about it. I'm curious, and it's obvious you want to talk about it. And it isn't as if I have a lot of pressing matters to attend to at the moment." He gestured to the empty room with its barren white walls.

"They should paint these rooms blue or a green. Put up some nice artwork. This is not a soothing environment."

"I don't think their budget extends to painting. Perhaps Ise-san could help them with a persuasive requisition or some budgetary juggling."

Shunsui rubbed his chin. "My Nanao-chan is a marvel, isn't she?" He sprawled his legs out from the chair more comfortably. "But how are you really, Ukitake?"

His friend sighed. "Bored. Moving between pain and discomfort. It's actually quite similar to my usual stays here, but with less coughing. Let's not talk about my condition, though. What about you? You look well."

Shunsui grinned. "Never better. If I tell you what happened this week, I don't think you'll believe me."

"Oh? Now you have to tell me." Ukitake fumbled with the pillows at his back, trying to sit up more. Shunsui reached over and adjusted them to a higher position. "Thanks."

"Nanao's been staying at my house, healing me. Last night, she stayed up to have a drink with me and asked me if I would be interested in having a trial period courtship."

"Courtship? Really?" Ukitake's eyes were wide with surprise.

"Courtship. It was such a surprise I was speechless. She started to get angry at me." He grinned. "This being Nanao-chan, she had conditions, though fewer than I might have expected. Obviously she doesn't want me to see other women. And she doesn't want me to tell everyone in Seireitei, but it isn't as if something like this can really be kept secret for very long. I didn't tell her that."

"She would likely not appreciate hearing that, no, but that's definitely true. I'd give it a week of secrecy at the outer limits, given how fast news travels."

Shunsui nodded. "How fast gossip moves, you mean. But the last condition is that she wants to do this for two weeks, and then decide if we should continue the relationship."

"That's odd." Ukitake considered it for another moment. "But it is very like Ise-san, when I think about it. She's a cautious woman, and this allows her to still maintain some protection for herself even if she gets involved personally with you. If you can't meet her conditions, or if it doesn't work out, she can save face by saying it was only a trial, and not a real relationship."

"I can meet her conditions. And it's going to be a real relationship."

Ukitake gazed at the ceiling for a long moment. "But this is rather sudden, isn't it? You said you were surprised. Why would she do this now?"

"Now that is a question." Shunsui sighed. "Did you know that the Twelfth had cameras in the Karakura town they built? And naturally the command post for the battle was in the Twelfth. She saw the whole thing, Ukitake."

"Cameras? I wonder who else was in the room." He winced. "I hope Kiyone and Sentarō weren't there. Was Ise-san upset about your injuries?"

"She let me hold her. All night. She slept in my bed with me."

"Then there's no question that Ise-san is serious. What about you, Kyōraku? If you don't tread carefully here, you could lose your chance with her. Not to mention losing your vice captain." Ukitake looked at Shunsui with some concern.

Shunsui knew his friend was worried for his happiness, and that warmed him. "I'm serious about courting Nanao-chan."

"I'll wish you good luck, then. Ise-san doesn't seem like the type to give an endless stream of chances. This may be the only time she is open to a relationship with you."

"Thanks. I'll probably need that luck." He smiled. "Nanao-chan can be a challenge." But he found that invigorating. She'd even teased him a little earlier, hadn't she? After she'd hit him in the ribs? He rubbed the spot on his chest absently. "There is one other thing. I don't know how serious it is yet."

"What's that?"

"The vice captain of the Kidō Corps filed a complaint against her for something she did in the command post. There was no blood involved, but the whole thing is still sealed under confidentiality, and Nanao-chan won't break it to tell me what happened."

Ukitake frowned. "Ise-san takes her duty as a shinigami very seriously. I'm sure she wouldn't act rashly during her command."

"I agree with you. Since I don't know what the complaint is, I'm not sure what Yama-jii might decide to do. It's a little frustrating, though I don't believe it could be too serious without bloodshed," Shunsui said, keeping his tone even. He wasn't frustrated with Nanao for not telling him—she took her responsibilities seriously and expecting her to break protocol on a complaint involving her was asking too much. For small things, she would bend regulations and rules for him without a word, but this was a bigger issue, and she was the accused. Still, not knowing anything made it hard for him to protect her, and that did frustrate him.

"If Kiyone and Sentarō were there, I may be able to get some information from them, though I don't know how much. I don't want to force them to break confidentiality. They just tend to talk a great deal, so it might slip out." Ukitake smiled. "Whatever it is, I'm with you, Kyōraku."

"It's always better to face Yama-jii with you," Shunsui said, grinning. He would protect Nanao, even if he didn't know exactly what happened yet. Yama-jii would probably be easy on her anyway, since there was no blood involved and she'd been in a stressful command situation. "Now, should I tell you about the trading cards of you the Shinigami Women's Association is going to put out? I was surprised to see that you agreed to pose in so few clothes, Ukitake!"

" _What?_ "

*****

Nanao stopped in front of a door in a quieter part of the hospital. There were only a few patient rooms in this section, most of the wing being surgical suites. She knocked at the door and entered when she heard Rangiku invite her in.

The blonde was sitting up in bed, using a lap desk to write on papers. She looked healthy and normal, but there was heaviness to her movements that Nanao identified with grief. Nanao approached with a smile. "Rangiku-san, it's good to see you."

"I'm glad you came to see me, Nanao-san! It's been so dull here!"

Nanao found herself buried in one of Rangiku's trademark cleavage-heavy hugs. Engulfed, she returned the hug as best she could and took a deep breath when Rangiku released her, sitting in a chair beside the bed. "Dull enough that you are working on requisitions for next quarter?"

"Well, you know they're due soon. I'm sure you already turned the Eighth's in, but my captain hadn't finished them, between our stay in the Living World on the advance team and the build-up to the war. I wouldn't want the Tenth to be without money for food and sake next quarter."

Nanao smiled. "Captain Hitsugaya will be so pleased that you finished these. Let me know if you need any help with the forms."

"Thanks, Nanao-san. I'm hoping it'll be one small thing that he won't be worried about when he wakes up."

They fell silent for a minute. "Hinamori-san can't have visitors now. She's at the Twelfth for organ regeneration."

"That poor girl," Rangiku said with sadness in her tone. She looked away from Nanao, at the window.

"I brought you something. It's not much," Nanao cautioned as she handed over the gift.

Rangiku smiled and untied the ribbon holding the package closed. Her face softened and her eyes glistened when she saw the bright pink silk embroidered with the flower of Tenth Division. "Oh, Nanao-san, this is so beautiful. Did you do this work yourself?"

"Yes. I made it for the SWA gift exchange, but I thought that it's always nice to receive a present while in the hospital."

"Thank you, Nanao-san. I can't wait to wear it." Rangiku smiled, but there was still a heaviness hanging over it.

Nanao wondered how difficult it would be to overcome the loss of a love. She knew she didn't have the right words, but she wanted to say something anyway. "If you ever want to talk to me about anything, I'll listen. I can't promise to understand completely, or give good advice or anything like that, but I'll listen."

"Thank you, Nanao-san." Rangiku's smile was smaller but lighter on her face.

Nanao nodded and spent a minute cleaning off her glasses. "I also brought you proofs of the new SWA trading card set to look over. They should be good for some entertainment later." She set a box of the cards on the bed next to the lap desk.

"Oh great! These should be a lot of fun. When are we going to have a meeting?"

"Well, it's a bit difficult right now, but I was hoping we could try sometime next week, when most of our members might be out of the hospital and not working crazy hours, as Isane-san and Captain Unohana have been." Nanao tried to think of when she could schedule an SWA meeting and have it well attended. "Perhaps it should be a dinner, or a party, actually. Something for our members to enjoy."

"That sounds like a great idea. We could get a private room at a restaurant and really have a good time! We'll all dress up in Living World clothes, because of that resolution we passed lately. It'll be such a fun party. I'm already looking forward to it." Rangiku sorted through the trading cards. "Oh Nanao-san, you put in the picture I took of you and your captain."

"It was a good picture of us, and you were right when you said all the other SWA members were on a card, so I should have one, too."

"You agree I was right then? I have good opinions. People should listen to me more," Rangiku said with a wink.

Nanao hesitated. Did she want to talk to Rangiku about her problems? It seemed petty in the face of what her friend had recently suffered. But Nanao could really use her advice on some things. "Can I tell you about something? It's not important, so please don't worry if you don't want to talk now."

"Of course I want to talk now, especially if it's something interesting. All I have planned for the day are these requisitions and a visit to my unconscious captain. It won't exactly fill the hours." Rangiku's face darkened a bit at the thought of unfilled time. Nanao wondered what her friend thought about in those hours, and decided it was probably best not to ask.

"Well, it's also sort of a secret, at least for now. So please don't tell anyone about this."

"A secret? That's even more interesting! What is it? I won't tell anyone, I promise."

"Captain Kyōraku and I are—that is, we have started—only on a trial basis, but—we're dating." A blush lit across Nanao's cheeks. If it was this hard for her to tell her good friend, she could only imagine what she would feel like when all of Seireitei knew.

" _What_? How did he get you to agree?" Rangiku's eyes were wide and a trading card fell from her hand, unnoticed.

"I asked him."

"You're kidding!" Rangiku stared hard at Nanao for a moment, and then said, "You're not kidding! You really did ask him. That's great, Nanao-san."

"Do you think so?"

Rangiku smiled. "Reaching out for what you want is important, even if it hurts later. Even if it ends badly, at least you won't have to wonder about what could have been. And you'll always have your memories." Her eyes clouded and her smile slipped.

They sat silently for few minutes. Nanao did not want to disturb her friend and rouse her from her reverie, so she picked up some of the requisitions and skimmed through the numbers, making sure the figures added up and the amounts looked proper for a quarter of expenses.

"This is a good thing with you and your captain, Nanao-san. I really think so."

"Thank you, Rangiku-san." Nanao smiled slightly and adjusted her glasses. "I was also wondering—well, you know I don't have a lot of experience with this kind of thing, so if you had any advice—"

"Advice about men?" She turned the lap desk so Nanao could access it easily and piled some fresh paper on top of the requisitions. Rangiku grinned. "This could get long; you might want to take some notes."

Nanao nodded. Taking notes was always prudent, no matter the subject.

"Firstly, about sex—"

Nanao interrupted immediately. "Wait, why is that first?"

"Because we're talking about men."


	13. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

It was nearly two hours before Nanao waved goodbye to Rangiku and left the hospital room. She'd almost called a halt to Rangiku's advising several times, but her blonde friend was having such a good time with it and so obviously enjoying Nanao's discomfort and indignation that Nanao let it go on until it reached a natural end. Rangiku's happiness was important to Nanao, and if enduring conversations about undergarments and kissing made her friend smile, she would suffer through.

She tucked the packet of notes she'd made into her uniform. Although she questioned the value of this information, Nanao was nothing if not a diligent student, and her notes were detailed.

"What are those?" Shunsui asked near her ear, and she nearly shrieked in surprise, slamming her shoulder into his chin.

"You startled me," she scolded.

He rubbed at his chin gingerly. "I can tell."

"Sorry," Nanao said, not really meaning it. He shouldn't be sneaking up on her like that.

"Retsu-san booted me out for Ukitake's treatment and you were still visiting, so I was enjoying the sunshine over there." He waved at a bright patch in the quiet hallway. "You visited for quite a long time. And made notes?"

"Rangiku-san was working on the requisitions for her division for next quarter." She left it at that, making it seem like she'd spent a lot of time helping with the paperwork.

"It was nice of you to help her. Are our division's requisitions done?" he asked as they walked down the stairs towards the entrance of the hospital.

"They've been done for about a month. I did mention it to you at the time."

He shrugged, endeavoring to look apologetic. "I forgot. How could I listen to notices about requisitions when my beautiful Nanao-chan commands so much of my attention?"

"Maybe because I was the one telling you about requisitions, and you should listen to me."

"I listen to you all the time, Nanao-chan. I just don't care about requisitions." He grinned at her. "I noticed Rangiku-san was laughing a lot and you were making a lot of interesting noises, too."

They exited the doors of the hospital and Nanao waited until they were outside the gates of the Fourth Division to speak. "Were you listening?" She backed him into an empty side street and put her hands on her hips.

"I told you, I was sitting in the sun. I can hardly help it if I overheard some of your conversation. I'm pretty sure most of the floor overheard some of your conversation. It wasn't very _discrete_ , Nanao-chan," he said grinning.

"What did you hear?" She scowled at him as he leaned against the wall in front of her.

"Enough to make me very curious about what kind of requisitions you have in that packet. Really, Nanao-chan, what kinds of things do they do in the Tenth? Can we do some of those things in our division? I think it might be fun."

"We weren't talking about you," she snapped, though that was only true in a marginal way. She and Rangiku had talked a lot about men in general, because she wanted help with Shunsui in particular. But right now she felt more inclined to make him eat the notes on men than she felt like acting on some of the ideas in the notes.

He made a tsking sound and leaned down towards her, brushing his fingers over her cheek. "It's not nice to lie, Nanao-chan!" he sing-songed.

She fisted her hands into the front of his uniform to pull him down so his face was even with hers. "Eavesdropping on a private conversation isn't nice. You're lucky I don't have the _Unabridged_ book with me, but if I hear one more word about this, I will drop that book on your face when you are napping." She'd made a mistake in pulling him down to her. He was much too close and the crooked smile on his face and the pleasure in his eyes drew her in closer.

"This isn't very discrete either, lovely Nanao-chan," he murmured. He nodded his head towards the end of the alley, where a few gawkers from the Fourth were looking on with interest. They scattered swiftly when Nanao turned her black scowl towards them.

She realized she was still gripping the front of his uniform and released it. She froze when he swept his lips gently against hers.

"I was only there for a little while. Though your conversation did seem very interesting. Would you like to tell me about it?" He held himself in the position she'd pulled him into.

"Not a chance." Nanao moved away and fussed with the folds of her uniform.

"But it made Rangiku-san so cheerful. It might make me cheerful, too."

"You're cheerful enough already."

He grinned at that. "I'm having a very good day." He clasped an arm around her waist. "Are you ready to go home?"

Nanao nodded. He stepped into shunpo so quickly that she grabbed onto his shoulders to hold on, afraid of falling.

At his house she released him immediately and brushed past him to go to the guest room and secret away the packet of papers. If he saw their contents, it would only give him an even more swelled ego, and that was just unnecessary.

When she emerged from the guest room she saw Shunsui lounging on the pile of cushions he'd set near the desk. "Do you want some tea while you work, Nanao-chan?"

"Yes, thank you." She wondered if she was transparent about her intentions or if he was just particularly attuned to her. He returned shortly with a cup of pale tea. She thanked him, watching him curiously. How well did he really know her? Probably better than she wanted, perhaps better than she knew herself.

Nanao did not spend much of her time on introspection, as a rule. She'd probably thought more about her wants and her feelings in the last week than she had for months before.

Then again, she thought as Shunsui settled in for a nap, perhaps it didn't take a great leap of intuition to figure out that Nanao Ise spent much of her time working at a desk. She shook her head and picked up the brush to work on some instructions for the division party tomorrow before she continued on her manual.

An hour later she was surprised out of her paperwork reverie by someone at the door. "Do you know who that is?" she asked Shunsui.

He stood slowly, rolling his head on his neck. "It's one of our newer recruits. I sent him to pick up some things at the market."

Nanao frowned at that. She followed him to the door as he greeted the shinigami boy at the door warmly. Shunsui took a pair of bags from the boy, thanking him. As the young division member turned to leave, Nanao halted him and asked him to give her party instructions to Third Seat Enjōji.

She closed the door behind the boy and tracked Shunsui into the kitchen, where he was unpacking vegetables from the bags. "It's an abuse of your authority to send division members to do your grocery shopping."

"Is it? He seemed happy to do me a favor when I ran into him at the Fourth."

"I'm sure he was thrilled. You're the captain, after all. Still, you shouldn't use division members for personal errands." Nanao had tried to impress this on her captain for years without success, and she doubted he would start heeding regulations now.

"But he'll have a nice little story to tell about helping his captain try to impress Vice Captain Ise with a home-cooked dinner." Shunsui grinned at her, leeks in both hands.

"What? You're cooking?"

"Why so surprised, Nanao-chan? I can cook. And I am trying to impress you." At the faint frown on her face he emptied his hands and approached her. "Do you not want me to cook for you? I want to impress my Nanao-chan with my domestic skills, but if you would prefer something else I do have skills in other areas I would be happy to demonstrate to you," he said, his voice dipping low and dark.

Nanao stepped back from his closeness, her heart fluttering. "Cooking will be fine." She retreated from the kitchen with a few quick steps. His chuckle followed her back to the desk.

She straightened the pages of her manual for running Eighth Division, trying to regain her equilibrium. How could he set her off-balance with so little effort? Even though she had initiated their relationship, it was clear Shunsui held a distinct advantage over her, because of his considerable experience with women. Multitudes of women. Legions of women.

Nanao wondered idly how much of the division courtyard could be filled by the women he'd been involved with. Would there be overflow into the street? Perhaps it would become a parade. They'd probably need several permits from the First Division, for a gathering of such size. She laughed a little, because if she didn't she might cry.

Even if she held his interest, was there any part of him that would be for Nanao alone? Was there anything left untouched, any territory in his body or heart that she could claim as hers? She felt angry with him for living so long and living so _much_ , and angry with herself for wanting something so ridiculous from him, something that she couldn't have.

"Idiot," she said under her breath, and began to write characters on the current page of her manual with brisk strokes.

* * *

By the time Shunsui came to call her for dinner, a wide smile on his face, Nanao had recovered from her earlier burst of emotion. She didn't name it as jealousy, because it wasn't directed at anyone in particular, and she didn't really think it was the right name for the dark threads of feeling that punctured her heart.

She summoned a calm and even expression for her face and light conversation for her lips. Dinner itself was a surprise and a pleasure. Shunsui made a vegetable stir-fry over rice and a tangy seaweed salad. She enjoyed the meal; the food was good and their talk was familiar and comfortable.

When they were together like this, it was easy for Nanao to imagine a romance with him as a flowing extension of their natural camaraderie. It was only when she thought of the new areas of their relationship that she felt the full measure of her inadequacy.

After dinner Nanao insisted on doing the clearing and washing and Shunsui consented after she promised to sit with him on the porch afterward. She cleaned mechanically, thinking as little as possible.

On the porch she moved a cushion to the other side of the tray he'd set out, and added another foot of space between them for good measure.

He watched her, his eyes dark and intense. "You're so far away," he said.

Nanao shook her head, ignoring the complaint. She studied the tray, surprised by the plate of cakes filled with sweet bean paste. "These are my favorite. Did you have that boy go to the bakery, as well?"

"He was glad to do it. Have one."

She picked up the sweet and took a small bite, conscious of his eyes drinking in each detail. He offered her a cup of tea that she accepted when she'd finished the cake. Her lips felt sticky with sugar when she pressed them together and she darted out her tongue to lick them clean.

"Let me do that," Shunsui said in a voice like rich honey, and he was in front of her, cupping her face with one hand and leaning down to her lips. His tongue slid across her bottom lip. He was thorough in his hunt for the sweetness, licking and nibbling across her mouth. Her lips felt swollen and sensitive by the time he kissed her properly.

He urged her mouth to open with a light caress of her jaw by his fingertips and a playful tap of his tongue against the seal of her lips. Nanao shivered, but not with cold, lines of heat flowing down her body to burn in her belly. She rested her hands on his chest, but whether it was to pull him closer or press him away she was not certain.

He plundered her mouth as if she were a delicious treat. Nanao felt like one when he kissed her. She didn't really know what to do, but he didn't seem to expect anything from her. His expertise in this area was evident.

His expertise was obvious because he was so very experienced. How many women had he led through this script? Hundreds? Thousands? Nanao couldn't even decide whether to move her tongue or not. The dark threads of feeling tightened around her heart, cutting into it with a sharpness that made her gasp.

Her hands on his chest pushed him back, and she curled away from him. "This wasn't a good idea," she said, focusing her gaze on the tray.

"Nanao-chan? Did you not like the kiss? I can do something different if you don't like that." She could hear the worry in his words.

"I'm sure you can," she said, studying the grooves on the fat sake jar resting on the tray.

There was a pause as he considered her neutral words. "Do you want me to do something else?"

"No." She stared at his white sake dishes.

"Did you not like dinner? The cakes?"

"They were very good, thank you. But I think this was a mistake. Changing our relationship was a mistake." She did not look at him, focusing on the small cakes shaped like maple leaves.

"What did I do? Nanao-chan, what did I do wrong?" Worry and frustration tinged the edges of his voice.

"You haven't done anything wrong. It was my mistake. I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Nanao, please look at me. Look at me, sweetheart. It hasn't even been a day."

She studied the tea in her cup. He knew all of her favorite types of tea and when she liked to have them. He was very good with remembering details like that, like the cakes.

"Nanao, please." He touched her tentatively on the shoulder and she shrank away from him.

"I've reached the conclusion that this relationship will not work."

"Why? Please look at me, Nanao."

The hurt in his voice made her ache, but she was not swayed. "I thought our fundamental compatibility would be enough to form a good foundation for a relationship, but I realize now that we have very disparate experiences that do not allow for equal positions in a personal relationship." She kept her voice even and her words as detached as possible from the emotion of the situation.

There was a long silence. "What experiences are bothering you, in particular?" he asked, and she could almost see him calculating in his mind. He was a clever man and a brilliant strategist. He would never accept a rejection like this without trying to work around the problem.

She tried to get through this without going into the humiliating details. "It's the same as it was with the war. I was naïve and wrong about that, even more than I realized when we talked after I was assigned command. I didn't realize how much until I was already in the situation. It's the same with us."

"Explain it to me, please."

She felt a flash of anger as she realized he wouldn't let her off without really getting into the heart of it. Her back straightened as she spun slowly on the cushion to face him. She met his hot, pained eyes with her cool gaze. "How many people have you slept with?"

If he was surprised by the question it didn't show. "Why does that matter? You're the only one I want to be with, Nanao."

"Enough to fill the division courtyard? Enough to have a parade through Seireitei?" He winced a little at her icy tone. "How many relationships do you think I've had?"

"If you're concerned at your lack of experience, please don't be. Nanao—"

"I'm not concerned about my lack of experience. I'm concerned about your _abundance_ of experience. In an ordinary relationship, even between two partners of some experience, there are still new experiences to be shared between them. But between us, everything will be new to me and nothing will be new to you, so we can have no shared discoveries. The disparity is simply too great. I cannot accept that there is nothing for me to give you. I cannot accept that there is no part of you that would belong to me alone. You haven't done anything wrong. The problem is mine."

"Nanao," he said, and she nearly flinched at the intensity of his voice. "I've had sex with a lot of women, it's true. Sometimes I felt a great deal for them, and sometimes it was just some fun. But I've never felt as strongly about any other woman as I do for you. I've never wanted any other woman as much as I want you. I don't know what part of me you want, but I'll give you anything I can. Please don't think that you have nothing to offer me. I'll treasure anything that you want to give me. Please stay with me, Nanao." He reached out slowly to take her small hand in his large one.

She dropped her eyes from his serious eyes to their joined hands. Even in this they were disparate, and not just in size. Nanao's hand was chilled from the night and the freezing around her heart. His hand was warm and enveloping, and she knew that his embrace felt the same, and that this trait of his body was reflective of his heart. "I don't know."

"If I'd known that what I did in the past would damage my future with you, if I'd had the slightest idea that you would be hurt like this, I would never have acted as I did."

The ache in her heart grew until it was throbbing with every beat of her pulse. "It's not your fault. I told you that. You were just being who you are."

"But I want to be the man Nanao Ise holds in her heart. I don't want to be a man that you won't accept. What do you want me to do? Tell me what you need from me for this to work."

At the pleading in his eyes she looked back at their clasped hands. "I'm not sure that there's anything you can do. To show that you weren't going to revert to previous behavior, to prove that negative, it would take so much time that it's hardly possible. Even accepting that you are capable of future fidelity doesn't solve the original problem. A relationship with me doesn't offer you anything you haven't had before. I give you nothing new, nothing unique, and nothing special." She tugged her hand away gently.

"Everything with you would be new for me, Nanao, because I've never been with a woman I've loved in the way that I love you. Believe in me, Nanao."

She stood, swaying slightly under the weight of her heart. "I don't know."

"Nanao. There's no one between us now." He clasped her hips with his hands. He leaned into her until his head rested on her abdomen.

Her hands came up to curl into his hair. He was intense and hurt and she wanted very much to give in to him, to agree that only the two of them mattered and not worry about this anymore. But she thought of the women marching into and out of his life even during the time she'd been in the Eighth Division, and couldn't even quantify what that would be over two thousand years. "I don't know."

He lifted his head to meet her gaze. His eyes were dark storms and there was a frown between his brows and on his mouth. "I love you."

Her icy heart throbbed painfully. "I'll think about it," she said, because it was the most she could offer now.

He nodded. "I'll be here if you need me. Let me know if you want anything, precious Nanao-chan," he said and then smiled, but it was small and forced.

His hands slid off her hips and she felt his eyes burning into her cold body with each step she took away from him.


	14. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Shunsui was drinking. He wasn't drunk—as much as he might like to be after the evisceration Nanao performed on him—he wouldn't get drunk with Nanao in the house, in case she came back to talk to him, or needed him for something, or remembered in the middle of the night that she hadn't healed him and decided to make up for that right away. The last was actually a possibility—no one was more conscientious of duty than Nanao.

There had been no malice in her earlier. It might have been easier for him if there had been. Instead she'd cut his heart out and crushed it with regret and sadness and that cold formal demeanor he knew she used when she was really close to falling off an edge she didn't want to leave.

He thought of the first time he'd seen that demeanor break, and how it had intrigued him.

_Two Months After Nanao Became Vice Captain_

Shunsui tipped further back in his desk chair, trying to find a comfortable position for napping. He wanted to be available to his new vice captain, at least for a little while each day, so he'd taken to having his afternoon naps in the office. But the floor was not particularly comfortable and his desk chair did not accommodate naps well. Perhaps he could have his cute vice captain order him some new furniture for the office. Little Nanao-chan was very clever with numbers; she could find a way to fit a sofa into their next quarterly budget.

He could feel her eyes on him from her desk across the room. She was cutting holes in him with her gaze. He could picture her easily: those blue-violet eyes narrow as she stared at him, a crease between her brows, and her lips bowed with her teeth clenched behind them. He wondered if she would approach him today about what was bothering her or if she would just swallow it down and resolve the issue herself.

Nanao had been very self-contained since she was a child, and if anything the trait had only become more pronounced as she grew older. He'd appointed her his vice captain almost as soon as she was able to pass the exam for the position. Vice Captains at the Eighth after Lisa had only a slightly longer tenure than most jugs of liquor at a division party—very short and ill-used. He'd booted the last one after Shunsui realized the man had been dumping his work on Nanao and taking credit for the finished product.

After that he saw no reason he shouldn't just give Nanao the job, since she was already effectively doing it and probably had been for the last several vice captains. She'd objected to the promotion at first—she'd only been a Ninth Seat before—and she looked about seventeen at most, though the glasses and the older hairstyle did add gravity to her appearance. But eventually she'd been persuaded to take the job, and Shunsui couldn't be any more pleased than he was with the outcome. Training took place on a regular schedule, a better variety of food was on offer at the mess hall, the barracks were clean and the leaks in the roof finally repaired, and best of all Yama-jii no longer complained about the lack of quality and quantity in the Eighth's mandatory reports. Nanao might very well be the best vice captain ever to grace the division.

Still, at moments like this, when he could feel her eyes on him like daggers, he wondered if she was as happy to be his vice captain as he was to have her in the position. He cracked one eye open at the sound of her chair being pushed back and her small feet briskly crossing the room.

There was really plenty of space for a furniture arrangement in the middle of the office, and it might be nice for guests as well as napping. He was startled away from his speculation about sofas by the slap of thick paper on the surface of his desk. Nanao stood on the other side of his desk, hands clasped behind her back, eyes cold behind her glasses.

"Captain. If I might interrupt your rest for some work, I would appreciate your attention." Frost could have formed on the words as they left her lips.

"Of course, Nanao-chan." He made a production of sliding his feet off the desk, sitting up in the chair. "What can I do for my vice captain today?"

"Please take a look at these documents. Do you know what this is?"

He glanced over the papers. "It's a transfer request by one of the Fourteenth Seats. That's a shame, she's a sweet girl."

"Do you know why she is transferring?" Nanao's arms moved to cross under her breasts.

He flipped through the pages, wondering where Nanao was leading him. "It doesn't give a specific reason. Perhaps she's got friends in the Sixth?"

"Are you aware that this is the fifth such transfer request that has crossed my desk in the two months I have been vice captain? And that all these requests are by women who do not list a specific reason?"

Shunsui shifted a little in his seat. "Ah, I was not aware of that, no."

"This represents an anomalous number of transfer requests, and naturally I decided to investigate what could be causing this phenomenon. Do you care to guess what the root cause of these requests might be, sir?"

He cocked his head. "I have no idea, Nanao-chan."

"Having inquired with a few of the women in question, I was informed that all of these transfer requests have come about because of you, captain." One of her arched brows went up. "What do you think of that, sir?"

"I certainly never encouraged any members to transfer away from our division." He was quite sure of that.

Nanao's brow came down and she sighed heavily. "Sir, all of the women in question were the subject of amorous pursuit and conquest by you. Subsequently they found the working environment of the Eighth difficult to continue to serve in."

Shunsui was certain he'd been in greater discomfort during other times in his life—he'd been injured many times in battle, for instance—but discussing his sex life with his very young female vice captain was the most uncomfortable he could remember feeling in recent memory. "Nanao-chan, all of those women were consenting adults. We had fun together. I would never want them to feel that they needed to leave the division after our personal relationships ended."

Nanao looked away from him, saying nothing, and her icy face gave away no particular emotion beyond irritation. "Captain, please approve the transfer papers."

"Nanao-chan, if you want me to speak to these women, to attempt to retain them within our division, I can do that—"

"Don't do something like that," she snapped, and he reeled back in surprise. "You've abused your power as a captain enough in this situation as it is. If you spoke to them and coerced them into staying it would only make things worse for the Eighth if the First Division decides to inquire into our high number of transfer requests."

"Then what is it that you would like me to do about this situation, if you don't want me to intervene?" He watched her curiously. Her face and body seemed to freeze more and more with each word, until she was absolutely still.

"Are you joking with me?" she asked in a frosty voice. At his puzzled look her icy façade exploded as she slapped the palms of her hands on his desk and leaned towards him. "Isn't it obvious what I want in this situation? I want you to stop sleeping with division members! Surely there are enough women outside of the gates of the Eighth that you could have sex with that you do not need to pursue our troops!" She wasn't shouting, but her voice was sharp and hot and incredibly fierce. He was mesmerized by the way her eyes had changed to a deep violet, glowing because of a reiatsu aura behind them. Did she wear glasses to contain her power so her reiatsu wouldn't slip out and do harm when she was furious?

"Nanao-chan, I never meant—" he began carefully, to no avail as she interrupted him immediately.

"It doesn't matter what your intentions were, it matters what you did. And what you have done is cause upheaval in the division and an increase in my workload. Who do you think will be doing the Fourteenth Seat's paperwork until a new one can be found? The other Fourteenth Seats are already busy with additional work caused by the departure of a female Thirteenth Seat for the same reasons a few weeks ago. I do not want to hear about your intentions or your romantic feelings or anything like that. And I certainly did _not_ want to hear about what you did with that unranked redhead in the first floor supply closet, but I have heard about that, too. All I want to hear from you now is a promise that you will not sleep with any division members in the future."

She was magnificent, with her violet eyes glowing and her cheeks pink with the heat of her anger. He took in her pouting rose lips and the curves of her slender figure hidden beneath an encompassing shinigami uniform. At some point when he hadn't been looking, Nanao had become an attractive woman.

He felt uncomfortable with this new revelation. He'd always retained some of the fondness he'd felt for Nanao when she'd been the youngest member of his division, but what he felt now was well away from the realm of kindly warmth for a bright child.

The version of Nanao that had become his vice captain was a woman. Young and with more maturing to do before she'd be as polished and accomplished as she would undoubtedly become, she had an inherent elegance that would only increase over time. She was now and would always be a woman in his mind. He could never think of her otherwise after her flash of anger that day.

He made her the promise she wanted, about not sleeping with division members, and he kept that promise through all the years since that day. Whenever he felt tempted to pursue someone from the Eighth, it was not the promise he'd made that stopped him first, but the image of Nanao leaning over his desk, fierce and hot and focused on him.

It was years after that day before he would admit even to himself that what he truly wanted was to touch the fire Nanao kept locked in her icy demeanor. He'd made a game of his pursuit, because he did not want to frighten her with the full intensity of his desire for her, and because it allowed him to see her burn more often. Usually she would break her cold front only to express exactly how annoyed she was with him, but any display of emotion from Nanao was precious and to be treasured.

In the last decade he'd mostly given up on pursuing other women at all. He'd gone home from a bar with a woman one night and had some fun with her, merrily drunk. But afterward he'd felt more hollow than he had in a very long time. He felt guilty and pained, although he'd broken no promises, shattered no hearts. His own heart had become so attached to Nanao that he could no longer truly enjoy empty pleasures. He'd tried a few more times after that, more out of habit than anything, but the momentary pleasure wasn't worth the bleakness he felt afterward.

And after a memorable evening with Nanao four years ago, he hadn't been with any other women at all. He thought she would understand that. But would it make her happy? He wasn't quite sure.

Would it at least ease Nanao's sadness at his previous promiscuity if he told her there was no one else now? He poured himself a fresh drink from the lukewarm sake. The taste didn't matter at this point. Everything was bitter in his mouth now.

He'd lived his life exactly as he'd wanted, never following any particular rules or conventions, and now that choice was denying him the only woman he wanted in his future. He didn't blame her for thinking as she did. Though he'd never given the idea much consideration, he realized that he was not a very good long-term prospect for a serious relationship. Why should Nanao believe in him when there was no evidence he was capable of what she wanted?

She believed in evidence.

He could have pushed her, tried to make her continue the trial she'd started, but that wouldn't give him what he wanted from her, even if she'd agreed to meet the terms that she herself had suggested. That which was flavored with reluctance was never as sweet as that which was freely given. He wanted Nanao with him, but he wanted her there without reservations or doubts.

Maybe it wasn't their time yet. He'd been waiting for a long time for the two of them to be standing on the same ground, reaching for the same thing. They'd been close many times before—and getting closer, he knew that—but maybe it was just too much for Nanao right now. She was so clever, but the speed with which she processed and accepted emotions was slow.

If she'd panicked at the idea of losing him in the battle at Karakura, she might have wanted to pull him close to her without really working through what that would mean. It was her usual behavior to step back from him when she became uncomfortable with their relationship; he didn't like it, but trying to hold on to her when she wanted to get away would only make things worse.

He imagined her heart as a butterfly sometimes, delicate and beautiful, something that he could cup in his hand if he was gentle and open. But if he tried to capture it, to lock it inside his grip, the butterfly would be crippled or killed. Something so frail and lovely as Nanao's heart could only be his if she trusted him to be careful, if she believed he would not hurt her.

There was time. It might take longer than he'd hoped to gain her faith, but it wasn't impossible. That they were even in this situation at all was an admission on her part that she wanted something more with him, that she wanted more from him. He rubbed absently at his chest. The ache of the wound she'd dealt him eased, but didn't disappear. He didn't think it would until Nanao herself healed it. _The heart is strange_ , he thought, and smiled.

"Yare, yare," he said, and tipped his sake dish to the moon.

It was well into the small hours of the morning that the door that led to Nanao's guest room from the porch slid open, and Nanao's small form leaned out, shivering under her thin sleeping robe in the chilled air.

Shunsui rose from his lounging position on the porch and approached Nanao. She looked the same as she had last night when she came into his bed: face pale, cheeks damp, and hands trembling. "Nanao-chan? Are you having nightmares?"

She jumped slightly, startled. Was she fully awake? She stared at him for a moment as he hesitated about whether to come closer or not. He didn't want to frighten her if she was sleep-walking. With a small noise she stumbled over to him, pressing herself against his body as if trying to climb inside of him.

His arms closed around her tightly, his heart pained by the tremors wracking her body. "Is it about the war?" he asked, rubbing his cheek against the top of her head.

She might have nodded, a faint movement of her head, but he wasn't certain. This wasn't an appropriate time to question her anyway, when she was suffering and wanted comfort from him.

He lifted her up into his arms, bridal style, and carried her into his bedroom. She made a protesting noise when he slipped her into the cover of the bed and moved away to shut the door to the porch. "I'll be right there, sweetheart."

Shunsui changed quickly into a sleeping robe in a dark corner of the room next to the closet. He didn't like to sleep in his uniform in bed and he didn't relish Nanao's wrath if she woke to find him naked in the morning.

Modesty satisfied, he slid into the bed beside Nanao. She climbed onto him immediately, resting on her front on top of his body. He circled his arms around her back, one hand stroking her silky hair. Her hands parted his sleeping robe and rubbed down his sides, wiggling under him to clutch at his back.

Now he was the one to shiver. He fought down the throbbing heat of arousal. That wasn't what she needed from him tonight.

He allowed himself to take satisfaction from the thought that no matter what she had said to him earlier, when she'd been suffering from her nightmares she took comfort in his presence, in his touch.

He was holding his Nanao, and for tonight that was enough.


	15. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Nanao woke at her usual morning time with the same sensation of warmth and ease that she'd felt for the last few days. She was sleeping with Shunsui again. It hadn't been her intention to seek him out last night. After that same terrible dream of Karakura and death and enduring silence, she'd hardly been able to breathe.

But the autumn air was as sharp as a slap on her skin and no comfort at all. Then he'd been there, worried for her, and it was so easy to go to him. He'd let her stay with him even though she'd told him only hours before she didn't want to continue their relationship.

She winced at that. His heart was so much more generous than her own that sometimes she didn't understand how he could stand it. He could be kind even when he knew it would likely hurt him.

Her head was resting on his chest, and she brought one hand up from where it wrapped around his stomach to trace precise patterns on the skin over his heart. The hair on his chest was silky and a little springy and her hand played with it absently.

When they were together like this, Nanao didn't feel the longing and inadequacy that had driven her decision yesterday. There'd always been some inequality in their relationship—it was inherent—he was so much older, so much more experienced, and his rank and power level were higher than hers, the latter so much higher that she didn't think she'd ever seen the outer bounds of his ability. She knew he was conscious of their inequality, and that he had subtly guided her after she became vice captain to the relationship style he wanted with her: she would take the lead, would physically set him back when he went too far, and would be encouraged to express any and all of her emotions to him in any form she liked.

The inequality of their positions was mitigated by the nature of their relationship—he was still the captain, but the divide between them wasn't as severe or impassible as it might have been, because he allowed Nanao to control many of the aspects of their relationship. She'd nagged him often enough about abusing his power, but he'd never done anything beyond accepting the small favors members of the division were always eager to do for him. He'd never attempted to use his superior position to pressure her into a personal relationship.

It was only after they'd started the trial that she felt the inequality between them in the new area of their relationship in its full measure. This was yet another place where his experience could be measured in centuries. How could a romance with her possibly be satisfying to him?

 _"Everything with you_ _would be new for me, Nanao."_ Was that the truth? Would he find as much of their relationship new and exciting as Nanao would?

She absently drew the characters for her name over his heart. This piece of him that she wanted the most, could she have it? He'd said he loved her, and he'd seemed serious. Surely even if he'd loved other women, that group had to be smaller than the parade she'd imagined yesterday. Maybe there was at least one thing he could offer to her that he'd never given to anyone before. It was possible.

Perhaps she could make an itemized list of the possibilities.  
  
"Why are you awake so early?" Shunsui's voice was heavy with sleep.

Nanao bent her back until she could see his face. "This is when I normally get up in the morning for work."

He turned his head to glance at the dull gray light coming in the window. "Calling an hour like this 'morning' doesn't seem honest."

"Many people get up at this hour. There are a lot of benefits to rising early," she said primly, as if she were sitting behind her desk at the office instead of curled half on top of his body like a purring cat.

"I cannot begin to imagine what those might be." His fingers played with strands of her loose hair.

"Well, you can get all the best produce at the market, for one." She shifted some of her weight to one of her hands, propping herself up to look down at his face.

"I'll pass."

She shook her head. "There's never a line at the street food vendors or in the mess hall."

"I'd rather wait a few minutes in line than get up at this hour."

"Most importantly, the washrooms in the barracks are never out of hot water if you get up at this time." This was an important lesson that new recruits often learned early in their shinigami careers. Nanao was accustomed to hearing loud yelps and screams from the barracks after the Academy graduated a new class. Usually this happened while she had her mid-morning tea in her office. It always gave her a smile.

"That is actually a very good point, and if I lived in the barracks, I'd have to consider that. But since I have my own house, it's not a concern for me."

"And you have lovely full baths," she said, because she was really a bit envious of his bathrooms with their large heated tubs for soaking. She'd been taking showers or washing without a bath afterward since she'd gone to the Academy, with only an occasional visit to a public bathhouse to relax. Even though she had her own private quarters in the barracks, her bathroom had no tub, only a small area for washing.  
He looked at her with interest through half-lidded eyes. "Do you like my baths, Nanao-chan?"

She raised a brow at him. "Of course."

"Nanao-chan is welcome to bathe in my house at any time. And if you need any help at all, I will humbly volunteer my services."

She laughed a little at that. "You're too kind." She slid off him to kneel on the futon, stretching her arms behind her head. He followed her movements avidly.

He stopped her from leaving the bed with a hand on her arm. "Nanao-chan," was all he said, but she knew what he was asking.

She bent over him so that they were face to face. "I'm thinking about it."

"Can I do anything for you?" he asked, and the yearning in his eyes as he looked at her face almost stole her breath.

"I'm considering an itemized list."

He smiled a little at that, and she hesitantly bent to kiss his cheek. Her soft lips brushed against the warm skin of his face. He stopped breathing until she'd straightened and rose from the bed.

She noted his reaction with interest. This was the first time she'd kissed him openly. Generally the times she'd touched him were much rarer than the times she'd permitted his touch on her. But he was a very tactile man; surely he would want to touch and to be touched also?  
If he coveted her touch, there might be a way for her to achieve more equality in their relationship. At the very least, perhaps he would not continue to dominate every physical contact they had. It was certainly an avenue for her to research further.

She absently picked up the crumpled uniform on the bedroom floor and deposited it with his other laundry on her way into the bathroom. He'd covertly moved her bath things from the other bathroom back into his and argued when she questioned him that it only made sense to fill and heat one bath, instead of two. Since that was fair and it was his house, she'd let it go.

Besides, she took a secret pleasure from seeing their things lined up on the same shelf. That was not something she would admit to Shunsui, however.

There were a lot of things she wasn't admitting to Shunsui lately. Her mood dropped at the thought of the events at the command post, but she tried to put that aside. Everything related to her disregard of the order from Central 46 and the complaint by the vice captain of the Kidō Corps was out of her hands. Perhaps she'd have a clearer idea of what would happen tomorrow, after she met with Sasakibe at the First.

What would Shunsui think of her after he found out about what she'd done? She thought of his face last night, so intense and raw when he said he loved her, and his face from a this morning, when he was full of yearning for her. Warmth ran through her, a wave of feelings she didn't try to separate out or identify.

But she remembered his ruthless eyes from that first time she'd seen him in a serious battle, and his absolute resolution in the battle of false Karakura, and shivered. She tried to reconcile the conflicting faces but couldn't.

Which one would he show her when he knew she'd failed in her duty, had deliberately refused orders? In his daily life, he showed minimal respect for authority and rules, but he'd never shied away from what he perceived as necessary in battle. Could he have carried out the order to destroy one hundred thousand human souls? Nanao thought perhaps he _could_ have done it, but she wasn't sure that he _would_ have done it.

After the nights of dreamed terror and death she was far from certain that put into the same situation again, she would be able to give the order to annihilate souls, even knowing the possible consequences. More than she had after her argument with Shunsui before the war, and more than she had during her time leading the Gotei 13, she saw that there was a very real gap between what she'd thought command was and what it could actually demand of a person. Command wasn't organization and schedules and training troops. She did all those things already, and did them well. What command really consisted of was decisions that stole sleep at night, hard choices with no good outcomes.

What kinds of decisions had Shunsui made over his years as a captain? When he sought solitary hours in the outdoors, when he drank himself into the black, what was he remembering? Nanao knew the loss of Vice Captain Yadōmaru was one incident. How many more haunting choices had he made in two thousand years?

She'd had command for only two days and had disobeyed critical orders and risked allowing Aizen's success and all the lives that could have cost. She couldn't begin to guess what Shunsui would think of her decisions.

Nanao sighed. Why even try to articulate what she wanted from him in a real relationship if it could be ended so soon by the Central 46, if not by his disappointment with her crimes at the command post? A pang of despair struck her chest, but she shook it off.

She wanted to know what a real relationship with Shunsui would be like. Her concerns over his past were real, and she would have confronted this issue whether she had two weeks with him or two hundred years. She would deal with these problems the same way that she would if there was no probable deadline on their relationship. That was the only way for Nanao to be true to herself.

When the judgment and consequences for her actions at the command post came down, she would deal with it as best she could. Until then there was nothing she could do about it, so she might as well focus on other things.

With that in mind she went to the guest room after her bath. Shunsui was sleeping again when she passed through his bedroom, and she had a surprising desire to climb back into the bed with him, which she ignored.

She dressed in a clean uniform and made a mental note to stop at her quarters while they were at the division for the party. She hadn't packed enough clothes for more time at Shunsui's house.

The notes she'd secreted away yesterday were still where she'd left them. She flipped through the neat pages of Rangiku's advice on men, looking for things that might be relevant to her current situation. After an hour of consideration she shook her head and tucked the note packet away, leaving the room to sit at Shunsui's desk. This information was of questionable value at best.

The brush hovered over the page, but she was decided about what to ask of him. It didn't end up being an itemized list. Actually what she wanted from him if they were going to continue the relationship was very simple, if very difficult to give. What she was seeking from him wasn't a specific item or action. She wrote one sentence in her neat brushwork, hesitated, but added nothing more. But the simplicity of the wish didn't mean that he would be able to fulfill it.

_I need proof of your love._

She folded up the page neatly and wrote his name on the outside.

She put together a light breakfast in the kitchen that she ate quickly and then worked on her manual for running the Eighth while she waited for Shunsui to get up. When he emerged from his bedroom wearing a black uniform and a wide smile, she reached into her uniform to pull out the note she'd written for him, but hesitated and pointed to the kitchen instead, to indicate his breakfast was there.

They made easy conversation while he ate. Afterward she worked her healing kidō on his back. She wanted to test her theory about him desiring her touch, and this seemed like a fair opportunity, since she would be touching him anyway. When the light faded from her hands she ran them up his back and across his shoulders. His heavy muscles rippled and tensed under her touch. She brushed her fingertips slowly back down the path they'd run up, enjoying the play of her pale hands on his darker skin.

"Nanao-chan," he said, low and hot. He turned his head to pin her with an intense gaze.

"You're healing very well." Nanao moved away from him, back to the desk, her heart beating rapidly. There was no question that he enjoyed her touch.

Shunsui tensed as if to rise, but then settled back. He smiled easily, as if he had not just looked ready to devour her.

Nanao flipped through the pages of the manual she'd written earlier in the morning, trying to act as if she hadn't seen the intensity of his desire. She was surprised and a little scared by the strength of his reactions to her. Given how quickly he'd changed to a light smile, Shunsui was aware of her skittishness. So often he seemed to know what she was thinking and feeling even when she didn't. It was a little maddening to Nanao, who tried to contain her emotions behind a professional surface most of the time.

Still, this was a fascinating, if somewhat risky territory to explore. She would have to consider the best way to proceed.

He rose from his seat and stretched, his bare chest and arms flexing. "I think I'll go out to the garden and enjoy the sun. Would you like to join me, Nanao-chan?"

She shook her head, pulling her eyes away from his body. "No, thank you, I have more work to do here. Don't forget that we're visiting the Eighth this afternoon."

"I wouldn't forget a party!" He stepped close to her, bent down to caress her cheek. "Don't work too hard, precious Nanao-chan," he rumbled near her ear.

She nodded. After he left the house she slumped a little against the desk. "Definitely dangerous territory," she whispered to the room.


	16. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

"That's not happening," Nanao said as she raised a brow at Shunsui's outstretched arms.

"But Nanao-chan, it's faster if I use my shunpo for both of us." He grinned.

"No."

"You let me do it yesterday, when we went to the Fourth." He curled an arm around her waist and she slapped his hand away with a fan, stepping nimbly out of his grasp.

"That was different. We're not going to our division party with you carrying me. We can't do things like that in front of our troops." Nanao narrowed her eyes as his grin widened. "Captain, we're going to be late."

"It's a party, Nanao-chan, not an appointment. And now I want to know what other kinds of things we can do when we aren't in front of our troops." He leaned over her, his hands reaching for her again.

Her brow twitched. Instead of replying, she sprung into her shunpo. He caught up with her before her second step and kept pace with her the rest of the way to the division.

At the division courtyard a cheer went up as the members of the Eighth greeted their captain as a returning hero. He was swiftly surrounded by excited people, all laughing and talking at once, sweeping him towards the open sliding doors of the common room.

Nanao followed behind the crowd. She was not entirely forgotten—a few people greeted her, and Third Seat Enjōji saw her and tried to hide himself behind a couple of female soldiers. The effort was a miserable failure as Enjōji was at least twice the size of the women.

At the doors to the common room, Nanao hesitated. Inside she could see Shunsui laughing and holding court at one of the long, low tables set up for the occasion, a drink already in his hand. The division members were enraptured by a story he was telling—likely an inappropriate one, judging from the color on Enjōji's face—and the scene felt complete as it was to Nanao.

She stepped away from the common room and went to the barracks instead, to her quarters. No one would miss her scolding them for spilling their drinks on the floor or reminding them that tomorrow would be a full work day.

She circled around her quarters, noticing how small they seemed after staying a few days at Shunsui's large house. Everything was neat and clean, her books arranged on shelves with a few trinkets and pictures on top of her bookcase. She had few other personal possessions beyond the clothes in her closet and the chest with her sewing and other projects stored inside. Her life seemed very small and a bit dull when measured by her quarters. What kind of a mark would she leave when she was gone?

She shook off the melancholy thought and walked briskly to her closet, taking out a bag and filling it with the things she would need for more days at Shunsui's house. Her clothes packed, she opened her project chest and pulled out a few works in progress, trying to decide which she should bring, and which supplies she would need.

"Bring the whole chest. It's not very large."

Nanao looked up, startled. Shunsui stood in the doorway to her quarters. "Why aren't you at the party?"

"Because my Nanao-chan isn't at the party." He crossed her quarters in a few steps and sat down beside her. "You're sneaky, clever Nanao-chan. I should have kept an arm around you after all, since you disappeared at the first opportunity. I was waiting for you at the party but you never came in."

Nanao stared down at her sewing projects. "I needed to get some things and I didn't think you would notice I was gone. There were so many people around you already. My presence wouldn't add anything."

"You think too little of yourself and of me if you imagine your absence would go unnoticed."

She occupied herself repacking her projects into the chest. "It isn't as if I am a great deal of fun at parties, captain."

"Captain again? What will it take for you to use my name?"

"We're at the division," Nanao said. She picked up her project chest and her packed bag and walked over to set them neatly at the door to her quarters.

"We're not working." He was behind her suddenly, his hand stroking over the curve of her neck and shoulder. Her body acted of its own accord to tip her head to the side and give him more access to her neck. His lips swooped down to lay a line of kisses from the curve of her jaw to the base of her neck. He licked at her speeding pulse, swirling his tongue around it. "I want you at the party beside me, precious."

Nanao didn't speak. He kissed new threads of kisses onto her neck, tugging aside the edge of her uniform to reach fresh skin for his lips. "Stop that, we're at work," she said, her voice was breathy and low.

He didn't stop, instead planting little licks on her exposed collarbone. It wasn't as if he were holding her down and preventing her from walking away—only his mouth was touching her—but Nanao couldn't find the motivation to move her feet.

Her uniform slipped open a little more. "Someone will come looking for you. It's a party in your honor."

He didn't answer, nuzzling down the exposed skin below her collarbone. She dug both hands into the hair on his head. Arousal and panic fought for dominance in a rising tide of feeling. "We have to go to the party," she said, a little desperately.

Shunsui stopped his kisses, moving back up her body to look into her eyes. "You want to go to the party?"

"No—yes—we're going." The last bit was snapped out.

"Anything lovely Nanao-chan wants." He smiled at her as she struggled to straighten her uniform with shaky hands. Her fingers ran across something stiff in her shirt and she remembered the note she'd written him earlier. This was as good of a time as any to give it to him—at least if they were at the party, he couldn't question her about it right away.

She tugged out the folded paper and handed it to him. "Here, take this."

"What is it?" he asked, unfolding the stiff page.

"It's not an itemized list, but it's your answer." She pivoted out the door as she spoke, walking quickly down the hall towards the common room.

Nanao opened the side door to the common room just as he caught up with her. "Sneaky," he murmured next to her ear. A collective cheer went up as the captain and vice captain of the Eighth reappeared at the party, now well underway.

Shunsui led her to his seat of honor and sat down, trying to tuck Nanao into his side. Nanao gave him a sharp elbow to the ribs and shifted over a respectable distance. Conversation flowed around them as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, because it hadn't. Their captain going too far with Vice Captain Ise and getting slapped back was entirely normal in the Eighth.

The party was enjoyable for Nanao. Unlike some other occasions where he'd seemed determined to embarrass her by forcing her to participate as much as he could, Shunsui took a quieter approach, making sure her drink was full and that she had the opportunity to sample all of the party food she liked. Nanao nibbled through some steamed pork buns and a few pastries filled with sweet bean paste.

One of the female Ninth Seats approached her timidly to ask about the advanced kidō course Nanao was scheduled to teach tomorrow. Nanao assured the young woman that she would be at work tomorrow and would teach all her courses.

Shunsui leaned towards her after the girl left their table. "You're going to work tomorrow?"

"Yes, I'm going to work. I have classes and training to lead, as I do every Thursday, captain." Was it only a few days ago that she'd been called to the First and Shunsui had left for war? How strange time was, moving sometimes so quickly she could hardly recall it and sometimes so slowly every heartbeat was recorded in her memory.

"But what about me? I need my Nanao-chan's tender care to recover from my injuries," he said, pouting a little.

"I will heal you before I leave for work and then at night as usual. Although you are more than well enough now to resume your usual activities at work, captain." She took a bite of a pastry, savoring the flavor and texture in her mouth.

"But I need lots of rest to recover fully, Nanao-chan." His eyes were riveted to her mouth, sending a little tingle through her. She licked her lips.

"As I said, you could certainly take up your usual activities at work. After all, napping at the office should be just as restful as napping at home." She wondered if she could have another piece of pastry without seeming greedy. They were quite small.

Shunsui handed her a pastry. How had he known she wanted one? "About your note, Nanao-chan. I'm going to meet your condition, sweetheart. And thank you."

Nanao glanced around to make sure no one was listening, but Shunsui's low murmur had disappeared into the ocean of sound around them. "What are you thanking me for?" she asked, a little puzzled. She'd thought he'd be more put off by the contents of her note than anything else; her request was vague and likely impossible to fulfill.

"For not giving up on us." His eyes were dark, melting and intense. Nanao flushed and looked down at the pastry in her hand. She took a bite just to occupy her mouth. She wasn't sure what she might say and this wasn't the environment to just let her lips do as they might like.

Nanao could feel the heat of his gaze on her face and she glanced back up at him. Her breath caught at the expression on his face, her eyes snared by his. The party continued, raucous around them, but she was oblivious to it.

A shinigami approached with several fresh jars of sake balanced on a tray, handing them to revelers or setting them down on the tables at designated spots. He stopped in front of Nanao and Shunsui and selected a jar for them. He had just lifted the jar from the tray and started to bend over their table when he was jostled from the back by a drunken shinigami. The jar of sake flew out of his hand, spilling all over Nanao and breaking on the table in front of her, splashing alcohol and pieces of ceramic on her uniform.

Nanao drew in a sharp breath at the surprise and the wetness. She stood up, brushing at her soaked uniform, pushing pieces of wet hair behind her ears. The shinigami delivering the sake babbled apologies, which Nanao waved away. It wasn't his fault.

Suddenly Nanao was the center of attention, several members rushing towards her with napkins and expressions of concern. She was intensely uncomfortable and hurried to assure everyone that she was fine, but they continued to surround her.

Then Shunsui was there beside her, flashing her from the crowd to one of the side doors of the common room. "I'd like to thank everyone for a wonderful party. Nanao-chan and I need to leave now. Captain Unohana's orders," he added when there were several protests and groans from the crowd. "Please have a good time during the rest of the party—there's plenty of food and drink for everyone!" Nanao tugged on his haori and whispered something in his ear. "Nanao-chan would like for me to remind everyone that work will continue as scheduled tomorrow," he said with a grin. There were cheers and laughs from the crowd.

He flashed them to her quarters, picking up her bag and chest and holding them with one arm, his other latched around Nanao's waist. "You'll get wet," she protested.

"I already have. Don't worry about it, Nanao-chan." He stepped into shunpo and they were at his house before Nanao had finished drawing in her breath to protest again.

He'd brought them to the front of the house, but Nanao pulled away from him and went around the side, to the sliding door at his bedroom. He followed her. She was shivering as the cool air chilled the sake on her uniform. "I don't want to get everything wet. Can you please bring a uniform to your bathroom? There should be a couple in the closet in the room with my things."

"Of course, Nanao-chan."

She stepped into the bathroom and closed the door. She stripped off the wet pieces of her uniform and hung them on a rack to dry. Her undergarments she bundled neatly and set aside. She would take those to the guest room and take care of them there, hopefully avoiding Shunsui's interest.

Nanao sighed, smiling a little wryly. This was not exactly the outcome she'd hoped for when she'd been mesmerized by Shunsui's eyes. Somehow she didn't think it was what he'd hoped for either, though she was now naked in his house, which he would probably consider an upside.

Anything that involved Nanao with fewer clothes was a highlight for Shunsui. Unfortunately those moments were usually terrible embarrassments for Nanao. "I have no luck," she whispered, and sat down on the bathing stool.

* * *

  
Nanao washed quickly, shivering as the hot water struck the cold spots the sake left on her body. She ruthlessly scrubbed away the scent and stickiness lingering on her skin. This was a less than ideal ending to the party, but she supposed it could have been worse. The young shinigami could have spilled a jar of sake _and_ a full plate of food on her uniform.

She sighed, relaxing a little in the warm air scented with her lemon soap. At least Shunsui had kept away the well-meaning members of their division trying to dry her off with napkins and ushered her home quickly. Lingering at the party had lost its appeal.

Finished with washing, she straightened her bath things on the shelf and toweled her hair reasonably dry. She patted her skin dry and wrapped herself in a bath towel. Shunsui really needed larger towels, she thought as she tugged on the hem of the cloth, trying to cover more of her legs.

She opened the door and half-stepped into the dim bedroom, looking around for the yukata Shunsui should have left. Not finding anything, she called out, "Captain? Did you bring me clothes? I can't find anything."

Shunsui entered the bedroom. He'd changed into a blue yukata and carried a white sleeping robe in his hands. It wasn't quite what she'd asked for, but it would do. "Thank you," she said, but he set the robe neatly at the end of the futon. "What are you doing?" She scowled and left the safety of the doorway to retrieve the robe.

One of his hands came down lightly on her shoulder, stroking. She stopped moving, her heart fluttering. "My Nanao-chan wants to be courted. I want to give you what you want, and I want you to understand how precious you are to me."

He handed her a fat jar. She turned it over in her hands, trying to see if there was a label in the dim light. It was impossible to make out words. She twisted the top off and sniffed; it was scented with lemon and other tangy notes that she couldn't individualize. It smelled lovely to Nanao; not too sweet and not too loud, it was instead crisp and fresh. "What is it?"

"It's a skin cream scented with a fragrance that I had made for you. There's also a bottle of fragrance and a few other things for you as well. But there's no one else in the world that has this perfume. It's unique to you, Nanao-chan."

"You had this made for me?" She turned the jar over in her hands. "Thank you."

He dipped a couple fingers in the cream and brought it back up to her shoulder, rubbing the cream into her skin, gently working the knots in her muscles. The sensation was wonderful—warming and relaxing. Nanao almost protested when he drew his hand away after a minute. "I want to massage your back with this cream, Nanao-chan."

"What?"

"You've hardly relaxed at all these last few days, and you're going to work tomorrow. This will relax you. You'll feel more rested and refreshed afterwards." Nanao looked at his face, but it was earnest and his eyes weren't teasing.

"Where would we do this?" Her hands fidgeted with the towel.

"With you on your stomach on the futon. You can keep the towel over the areas you don't want me to massage."

"And you won't try to—" she let the words hang, not sure what she wanted to forbid, just that she should forbid something.

"I won't take advantage of you, Nanao-chan. That would be completely opposed to my effort to court you." His lips curved into a small smile.

She hesitated. Nanao wondered if perhaps this was not a good idea; it could make their footing in the relationship even more unequal by giving him experience with her body specifically to add to his already extensive knowledge of women in general. She'd discovered he liked to be touched by her, but that was as far as her experience with him had reached, and it wasn't as if she had stores of previous experiences to use. But she wanted so much to be touched by him, and there was no one she trusted more—if he said he wouldn't take advantage of her, he meant it.

His hand ghosted back up her shoulder to stroke her skin.

"Yes," she said, surprising herself a little. She stepped hesitantly to the bed, lying down carefully to avoid exposing herself. Her hands fussed the towel free from under her, and she hesitated with the edges in her hands.

"Let me, Nanao-chan." Shunsui took the towel edges from her and folded it neatly down her back until it covered her buttocks and nothing else. Nanao tensed, but Shunsui just sat back on his knees beside her. She could smell the delicious cream and hear him rubbing his hands together.

His touch was firm and gentle and Nanao thought it might be tinted with a healing kidō, but perhaps he was simply very skilled. He worked out all the tension in her shoulders, and then glided up her neck in a way that felt so good she nearly moaned aloud. When he made long strokes down her back her eyes slid closed. When he used more pressure on her lower back she did moan out loud, but she couldn't bring herself to feel embarrassed, especially when he lavished the area with extra attention.

She wasn't sure how much time passed while he massaged her back, but he left no skin neglected. When he finally pulled his hands away she felt warm and relaxed. A liquid heat pooled in her belly, as it always did when he touched her, but that too was slow and relaxed.  
His hands reappeared on one of her feet, rubbing tension out of her arch. Nanao sighed with pleasure. This was possibly the most decadent experience she'd ever had.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"Don't stop." Nanao was surprised by the sound of her voice. It was low and almost _melting_ in a way she'd never heard herself sound before. But Nanao was relaxed and melting in a way she'd never been. She felt at that moment that she was actually precious to him. He said words to that effect often, in jest and in seriousness, but she'd never really believed him. What was precious about someone as ordinary as her? But his hands stroked her skin with such care and gentleness that she began to believe in his sincerity.

And there was the perfume. He couldn't have taken that up on a whim this week—he would have had to find a perfumer, have the fragrance created to meet his specifications, and then have it made into the cream and the other things he'd gotten her. Something like this could have taken months. The fragrance itself was perfect to Nanao, and that was also a feat of care and attention on his part.

His hands glided up her legs, lavishing his touch on all the muscles he could reach with her resting on her stomach. As he massaged her thighs she parted her legs slightly so he would be able to reach more skin. The liquid heat in her belly rose and wove through her body, sparking her nerves awake and exquisitely aware of every stroke of Shunsui's hands on her legs. Nanao wanted—needed—more, and when he finally pulled his hands away from her body when they touched the hem of the towel she made a small noise of protest.

"Nanao," he said. She shifted her head to look at him through half-lidded eyes. "I promised you I wouldn't take advantage of you."

"Don't I get to decide when it's taking advantage?" Her voice had the same sound has had surprised her earlier, and she named it now. It was a sensuous voice, a bedroom voice, something that had never come from her lips before.

"What you might decide now and what you might think of that decision later could be very different things," he said, his face strained. His eyes didn't match his words. They were dark and full of the desire that had taken her breath away before, heated and burning.

She was both touched and annoyed by his consideration. He wasn't wrong that she might regret her boldness now at a later time; it was only yesterday she'd wanted to end their relationship less than a day after it started.

Nanao scowled at him. Why did he have to be sensible when she wanted to be thoughtless? "That's very honorable of you. Turn around, then." There was a bite in her voice although her words were complimentary; both her words and her tone were honest, although contradictory. She waited until his back was turned and picked up the white sleeping robe, kneeling to put it on.

"Nanao-chan?" he asked, surprised, as she pulled on his yukata top from behind.

"I have to do a healing session. I didn't do one last night, and if you miss too many you won't be fully restored in a timely fashion," she snapped, her good mood disintegrating. Heat was still roiling through her body and she almost ached with need.

Wordlessly he shrugged out of his sleeves. She tried to restore her equilibrium—kidō was stronger when done with a high level of focus—but after a minute of deep breaths she realized it was futile and began the healing anyway.

As she always did she started with her hands on his worst wounds—the sword slash from Aizen and the cero wound—though they were now well on their way to healing fully. When she had a good kidō working on his wounds she sent her reiatsu through his whole body, following with the healing spell.

His reaction was not as usual. He arched his back as if to escape her touch when she sent her reiatsu through him, but then leaned back heavily into her hands, shuddering a little. "What is it? What's wrong?" Nanao began to pull back her kidō and her reiatsu. He put a heavy hand on her leg and she froze altogether, not certain if she should withdraw or continue.

"I can feel it through your reiatsu," he said, stroking her thigh.

"You feel what in my reiatsu? I don't understand." She was puzzled; what she did to him was a high level healing technique, but there shouldn't be any strange effects, and she'd done this to him successfully several times now.

"I'll show you." He sent a light pulse of reiatsu towards her, and when she nodded he pushed it into her body. Nanao gasped. The sensation was incredible—she could feel his reiatsu like a caress as it flowed through her, and more than that, she could feel the imprint of his desire for her in his reiatsu. It was intimate and powerful and arousing.

Nanao ran a hand down his back and felt his reiatsu jump inside her body, which made her own nerves dance in response. "What is this? It isn't supposed to happen. Does it feel like this when Captain Unohana heals you?"

"No, this never happens when I'm healed by the Fourth. They have a lot of training to make their healing process clinical and impersonal. And it's not triggered by the healing specifically, but by the reiatsu sharing."

"I'm sorry. I never meant to make you uncomfortable," Nanao said, with her cheeks flushed. She let the healing kidō die out and began to withdraw her reiatsu.

Shunsui spun around to embrace her, dropping one hand on her back and tipping her head up with the other, so he could see her face. "Don't be sorry. If it's uncomfortable, it's only in the most delicious ways."

He planted soft kisses on her cheek and jaw, teasing a little at her lips without kissing them fully. Nanao let her reiatsu flow back into him fully and he groaned in reaction. He pulled her into his lap and tucked her against his chest, stroking her hair with one large hand. She moved a little in his lap and felt both her own pleasure at the movement and his reiatsu spiking. He stilled her with a heavy hand on her hip.

"I never read about this in any of my kidō manuals, not even the _Unabridged Encyclopedia_."

He laughed. "This isn't the kind of thing they put in textbooks. If they do, it'd be phrased so vaguely you'd never know what it was talking about."

She frowned. "Still," she said, disturbed by the idea of books leaving out vital information.

"It isn't a very common reaction, sweetheart. If it were, people would be happier to be stuck at the Fourth."

"Then it's because you and I are—" she stopped, uncertain of what she wanted to say. Because they were lovers? They weren't, not yet. Because they were attracted to each other? Surely it would be a more common reaction among shinigami if it was simply that. Because they were close? They were, but it didn't feel like the right word.

"Yes."

He swung her gently into the bed and came in behind her to cradle her. He pulled his reiatsu out of her body and wrapped it around them like a blanket. Nanao drew back her reiatsu and relaxed in the comfort of being surrounded by him. The burning need in her body eased down to embers that could be easily rekindled by the right touch.

"Nanao, I know what I want with you—I want everything with you. But you should have the same certainty about anything that happens between us. We can go as slowly as you like. I want to touch you, to taste you. I want to bring you pleasure and hear you say my name. When you're ready, I'll be here."

"What about you?" she asked in a whisper.

He kissed her temple. "I've waited a long time for you; I can wait a little longer. You're my priority. Besides, there's a certain pleasure in anticipation."

"Is there really?" Nanao thought of the ache and the heat of her desire and couldn't find any enjoyment in having it thwarted.

"If my Nanao-chan doesn't find any pleasure in anticipation, I am prepared to give satisfaction at any time," he said in a silky murmur near her ear.

She shivered against him. It was a most appealing offer.


	17. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

In the morning Nanao woke at her normal time. She was sleeping on Shunsui's chest again. Her night was free of nightmares for the first time since the night she'd brought him home from the Fourth. Nanao wasn't positive, but she thought that perhaps since the dreams involved Shunsui's death or disappearance, being with him when he was so obviously alive and present might prevent her fears from attacking in her sleep.

 _Alone in a dead world_. Just the memory of the dream made her shiver. Shunsui's arm tightened around her back in response. It was no surprise to Nanao that he liked to cuddle even in his sleep. What surprised her was how much she enjoyed it. She would have expected to wake up well away from him, curled up in a small ball, perhaps, as she often found herself when she slept alone. Instead it seemed that she tried to get as close to him as she could in her sleep, covering him with her body or with her limbs clinging to his like vines climbing a tree.

She slid off his chest and rose to her knees. His hand didn't let go of her, but instead rested squarely on one cheek of her buttocks. Nanao's eyes narrowed, but he didn't seem to be awake. His face was wearing a half-smile while he slept, something Nanao recognized from his naps—he was having good dreams. Perhaps he was even dreaming of grabbing Nanao-chan's butt, she thought with an internal snort.

His yukata had never been pulled back up over his chest and back and had shifted further away from his sash in the night until it was barely keeping him decent. Nanao studied his chest and abdomen, the ridges of golden muscle dusted with brown hairs. She wondered if they would tighten when she touched them, the way the muscles of his back did when her hands brushed them during healing. Her eyes trailed a path down his body to the spot where his skin disappeared into the yukata. He didn't seem to be wearing a loincloth or any other undergarment. She glanced up at his face, but his expression was unchanged; he still slept.

She only wanted to look for educational reasons, she told herself. Surely it was good to have a clear understanding of all parameters before entering into a new situation. While she'd certainly felt what was under his yukata in recent days, most recently last night sitting in his lap, she hadn't seen it. And she wasn't going to ogle Shunsui; it would just be a peek, for logical, educational, reasonable purposes.

Slowly her hand crept up until it hovered a few inches over the loose cloth. She swallowed. Her eyes darted to Shunsui's face, but he was still wearing his happy sleeping expression, and his chest rose and fell evenly.

With a feather-light touch she took hold of the edges of the fabric with the tips of two fingers. She dragged it a bare inch lower, holding her breath. As the cloth slid off Nanao leaned farther over him. The cloth dragged over the area of Nanao's interest, slowly revealing the muscles of his pelvis.

His hand tightened on her backside, kneading the flesh. His hips shifted as if to press against her hand. Nanao panicked. _He's going to wake up, and he's going to see what I was doing, and I will never ever hear the end of it._

She tugged his hand off her butt and pulled her searching fingers off of his yukata. Her cheeks flushed a deep red. She pushed at his shoulder, trying to get him to flip over. "Roll over, I need to heal you before I go to work," she said. She was surprised the words came out clearly. Although Nanao was certain a person couldn't actually drown in mortification, she was giving it a good effort.

Shunsui rolled over slowly, but as soon as he felt Nanao's hands on his back he tried to roll back towards her. "Stop that," she snapped.

He was sleepy and aroused and though the latter might have been her fault, she didn't want him to act on it right now. The flush in her cheeks was running down her neck and chest now. She pushed him back on his stomach and straddled his legs so she could press him down with more force.

"While I appreciate the effort, Nanao-chan, you'd have more success in taking advantage of me if I was on my back." His voice was thick with sleep.

"I wasn't!" The words were choked, and her mortification rose even higher, because she _had_ been taking advantage of him a little while he was sleeping.

"It's alright, Nanao-chan, you have my permission to take advantage of me at any time you like. I promised to give you satisfaction, after all." He was less sleepy now, his tone lit with avid interest.

"I—did you—were you—well?" Nanao tried to ask him if he was awake while she'd been trying to peek at him, but she didn't want to tell him what she'd done if he didn't know, so her question fizzled into unconnected nothings.

"I would be happy to answer your questions, sweetheart, if I had the faintest idea what kind of answer you were looking for." He angled his head for a glimpse of her face.

Nanao was sure she didn't look good, with her hair tousled from sleep, her sleeping robe creased, and the scarlet flush running over her pale skin.

"Were you doing something naughty, luscious Nanao-chan?"

She pushed his head down with one hand so he couldn't see her face. "Of course not!"

"You were thinking something naughty, then."

"I wouldn't! Shut up!" She smacked him on one shoulder.

"You're making the face you make whenever you get caught at something."

"I am not!" She _was_.

He grinned widely and she felt it under her fingers as she pressed on his face. She sighed, defeated. He could be relentless when he wanted to be.

"I am going to heal you now. We aren't discussing this anymore, because nothing happened and there's nothing to talk about." She withdrew her hand from his face and started her healing kidō, trying to calm herself and focus on the spell.

"Hmm. That's not going to be good enough for me, Nanao-chan."

"What?"

"Answer one question for me, and I'll let this go."

Nanao considered. Depending on the question, she could get off lightly. Otherwise Shunsui might make it his mission to find out what caused her scarlet flush. He might even know already and just want to hear her say it out loud. She narrowed her eyes at him. "What's the question?"

"Who did you vote for in the SWA's Most Interesting Men in Seireitei poll?"

Nanao laughed a little, startled. "Really? You want to know that?"

"Desperately."

She made a disbelieving noise. "You just want me to stroke your ego."

"Nanao-chan is welcome to stroke anything of mine she wants whenever the urge strikes."

She rose a little from her seat on his legs to kick him in the thigh.

"Ouch, Nanao-chan, that's mean! Well, if you'd rather talk about this morning, I can tell you about the fantastic dream I had. You were there, and you had your hand on my—"

"Fine, I agree. I'll answer your question about the SWA," she said, ruthlessly cutting him off.

"That's too bad. It was a great dream, Nanao-chan."

"Don't tell me about it. Now, in the poll each woman was to vote for three different men."

"Why three?"

"The SWA doesn't have a lot of members and there aren't a lot of female shinigami in general. If there are too few votes given, members might be concerned their votes would seem obvious."

"So who did you cast your three votes for?"

"Obviously I voted for Captain Kuchiki."

"Why is it obvious that you'd vote for him?"

Nanao thought Shunsui sounded a bit sulky. She smiled. "Captain Kuchiki is widely thought to be one of the most handsome men in Seireitei, in addition to being a wealthy noble and a powerful captain. Everyone voted for him."

"Well, if everyone voted for him, it isn't as if he was a special vote for you."

Nanao rolled her eyes. "Captain Kuchiki always wins the poll. He's won every time we've taken the poll since I've been in the SWA."

"And your second vote?"

"I voted for Captain Ukitake, obviously."

"For Ukitake? And you said it was obvious again? Why would Ukitake be the obvious choice for you?"

Nanao smiled. It was fun to be the one to do the teasing, instead of always being on the receiving end of it. "Captain Ukitake is handsome, renowned for his kindness and good nature, and a powerful and hard-working captain."

"Ukitake, I can't believe it." He was definitely sounding sulky now.

"He's your closest friend," she scolded.

He made a discontented _humph_ sound.

"He always lands very high in our polls." She felt a tiny bit of guilt about her teasing and sent her reiatsu flowing into his body to expand the healing spell, since she knew he enjoyed that. After a minute, she asked: "Aren't you going to ask about my third vote?"

"I'm not sure I want to know," he grumbled.

"Don't be ridiculous." The healing kidō faded but she left her reiatsu circling inside his body. She leaned down, pressing herself against his back as she spoke in his ear. "You already know I voted for you."

In a movement so quick she barely saw it he'd flipped over on his stomach and dropped her back in place on top of him. Her mouth hovered a breath away from his. "You should have spent all your votes on me. Maybe two votes on me and one on Ukitake."

"Don't be greedy. That would have been against the rules of the poll." Slowly, carefully, she fitted her lips to his and kissed him, a touch as light as a butterfly's wing. She pulled back after only a moment. "I have to go to work."

"But Nanao-chan, this is an ideal position for you to take advantage of me in."

She rolled her eyes as she rose off him. "I have classes to teach today, including one first thing this morning."

"I don't know who would sign up for a kidō course this early." Shunsui sat up and stretched his arms out wide.

Nanao watched appreciatively from the corner of her eye. "You know kidō is required in our division until all our troops can pass the intermediate level kidō exam."

"That doesn't make this less early." He sat in the bed, nearly naked, leaning back on his hands and grinning at her. She only wished he'd taken the tie out of his hair so it would hang loose.

"Ah, they do a lottery, I think. Losers get the early morning course." Nanao stared at him openly now, much to his obvious enjoyment. "I'm going to go to work," she said, but didn't move. She had the strongest desire to get back into bed with him and take a vacation there. It took several commands from her brain to her feet to make them move.

"Have a good day, lovely Nanao-chan," he called after her as she left to dress in the guest room, a smile in his voice. Of course he was smiling. He'd broken her icy barriers down so much she was ogling him openly in bed. It might take more effort than she'd anticipated maintaining professional behavior at work.

"I don't ogle," she said to herself, but her cheeks tinted pink.

* * *

  
Nanao was greeted warmly but quietly by the members of her division she passed in the hall of the Eighth. Many were nursing hangovers, as she'd expected, and in her morning intermediate kidō class someone managed to miss a target so widely that the fireball would have put a hole in the ceiling of the training room if there'd been any power behind the spell.

Out of consideration for her troops and a value for her life, Nanao canceled all scheduled sword training sessions for the day. Her later intermediate kidō course went somewhat more smoothly than the early morning class, but there were still several shinigami struggling to stay awake and chant the proper incantations.

She was surprised to find a gift from Shunsui on her desk when she went to their office after her first class; he must have left it there during the division party. It was a book with a faded and frayed cover. The note accompanying it said: _To my clever Nanao-chan who loves to learn new things: This is a kidō book I've had in my personal collection for a very long time. There are few copies in print and the library doesn't have one. It has some unique information inside; some of it is forbidden now, so don't use anything without checking first! I hope you will read this book under the trees with me one day soon. Yours, Shunsui_

The pages of the book were yellowed but still legible. She did a double-take at the publication date listed—the book was over a thousand years old. She glanced through the pages quickly, her eyes caught by various tidbits and interesting diagrams. Reluctantly she placed it to the side on her desk.

There was a fair-sized backlog of work on her desk—she measured the stack mentally and calculated it at about ten hours. She could probably catch up without really straining herself—the paperwork would be slow coming in while so many captains were incapacitated. Nanao reached for the first page in the stack, but her hand detoured to rub the gifted book. She was still smiling when her brush ran across the first page in neat, decisive strokes.

In the afternoon Nanao left the Eighth with her paperwork stack reduced by a few hours. Canceling the sword training sessions had given her some extra time to work through it.

At the First Division Sasakibe greeted Nanao cordially and invited her into his office to take tea. His office was full of trinkets and relics from the Living World. He was known to have a fascination with a specific area of the Living World called Britain, and this was clear in his decorating. He served her tea in a dainty china cup—"a nice Earl Grey" apparently—and then sat opposite her, looking quite serious.

"Ise-san, under ordinary circumstances, it would not be proper for me to discuss possible criminal charges directed at someone with the accused, but this situation is unusual and somewhat delicate. So I would like to discuss certain aspects of this matter with you, with the understanding that this conversation is confidential."

Nanao set her teacup down on a small plate. "I understand, Sasakibe-san. I will keep this conversation private."

"Thank you, Ise-san. First I must inform you that the Central 46 will be considering your case. The captain commander will not have any influence on the decision regarding your alleged crimes. However, he will still make a judgment on the matter of Vice Captain Takahashi's complaint."

"I see," Nanao said. That was a disappointment. On some level she had hoped to keep the whole matter inside the Gotei 13. Captain Yamamoto, while not a lenient man to her knowledge, might have been more understanding of decisions made under the pressure of battle and command than the nobles and sages of the Central 46 were likely to be.

"I believe that the Central 46 would have chosen to consider the case even without the pressure of Vice Captain Takahashi's complaint, but that was also a factor. Regarding the complaint from the Kidō Corps officer, you will be permitted to view it and make a written response." Sasakibe passed her a thick folder. "Here is a copy of the complaint for your review and the standard response forms. You may only respond to the questions posed within the forms. There is no space given to write out a particular defense or any other unstructured reply. These responses will be used as evidence in your Central 46 trial as well as in the judgment of the complaint itself."

Nanao accepted the folder and flipped through the contents. "When do I need to return my response?"

"The Central 46 will not be considering your case until the Aizen matter is resolved, so there is some time. However, if you can return the forms quickly, the captain commander will review the materials before sending them on to Central 46. Although he will not be deciding the outcome, it would perhaps be advantageous for Captain Yamamoto to be fully informed of all sides of the case, and after the Central 46 has rendered a decision on the primary matter, he will consider the complaint by Vice Captain Takahashi."

"I can return these forms to you tomorrow. Thank you for your consideration in this matter, Sasakibe-san." Nanao could complete this work within a few hours. It would push back the buildup of paperwork at the Eighth, but that work was not as urgent as this.

"Ise-san, I have always respected your excellent work as the vice captain of a challenging division. When I read your report on your command, I understood clearly your reasoning in your decision-making. However, what matters is not what I think of your actions. You disobeyed a direct order from the Central 46. That is a serious matter, and you will be penalized for it. But I consider it fair to keep you informed of events and to give you the means to address the complaint by Vice Captain Takahashi." Sasakibe poured out more tea into their cups.

"I understand, Sasakibe-san, and I will thank you again." Nanao sipped her tea. "Do you have any idea when I might be taken to testify and stand for judgment in the Central 46?"

Sasakibe hesitated. He took a drink from his cup and cleared his throat. "Let me be clear that I am speculating now, based on my experience with past Central 46 cases. It is unlikely you will ever be taken to the Central 46 directly. Because you are subordinate to one of the most powerful captains in Soul Society, and generally well-respected by your colleagues, the Central 46 will try to keep this matter as quiet as possible to avoid…unfortunate consequences. They will consider your written testimony, written testimony from witnesses and the complaint, and decide from that material. By the time you know your fate it will be too late for anyone to influence the outcome. That is my best guess for the events to come."

She stared down at her teacup, considering that for a long moment. "They don't want to risk my captain fighting their decision."

"Consider the manner in which the Rukia Kuchiki matter divided Soul Society. If Aizen's treachery had not become known, Soul Society could have fallen over the brink into outright civil war. How many lives would be lost for that one woman's sake? How much power would have drained from the Gotei 13? If a similar chain of events were set off by your trial, who knows what the outcome might be? Captain Kyōraku and your division, and Captain Ukitake and his officers, at the least, could be greatly damaged by their desire to defend you. If your loyalty is to your captain, your division, and Soul Society, you will keep these events secret from everyone until they are concluded."

"I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me. I knew at the time I chose not to activate the soul-destroying machines that I would face consequences for that. But no one else made that choice, and I should be the only one punished for it."

Sasakibe smiled. "Your resolve is admirable, Ise-san. I truly believe that silence is the only way to avoid jeopardizing the unity of the Gotei 13."

Nanao nodded. The thought of going through these secret proceedings alone ached in her heart, but she couldn't risk Shunsui trying to save her from the consequences of her actions. "Thank you, Sasakibe-san."

They spoke of other matters while they finished their tea. But Nanao could not stop thinking of a clock ticking down, measuring out the remaining minutes of her time as a vice captain.


	18. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Nanao sat at her desk in the office that she shared with her captain at the Eighth. The complaint by Vice Captain Takahashi was spread out on the desk and she consulted it from time to time before neatly writing on the response form in front of her. She'd started work on it as soon as she returned from the First, stopping only to teach her final scheduled advanced kidō course.

She was startled when she felt Shunsui's reiatsu nearby. Moments later he appeared in the door of the office with a grin. "Still hard at work, lovely Nanao-chan? It's getting late."

Nanao glanced at the clock and saw that it was thirty minutes past the end of the day shift. "I have to finish this by tomorrow afternoon."

"What could be so urgent? I know you're ahead on all the division work. Even with the backlog there can't be that much that's critical. Come out and have dinner with me, Nanao-chan. We'll go to that noodle shop you like." He swept into the room and stood in front of her desk, smiling.

"I can't leave yet. Don't touch those," she snapped when he reached for one of the pages of the complaint. She gathered them together and flipped the stack over so he couldn't see it.

He raised an eyebrow. "What kind of work for our division would I not be able to look at?"

"It's not for our division."

His brow arched higher. "How interesting, Nanao-chan. Are you taking in work for other divisions on the side? If you wanted a raise in pay or more recognition and love you should have asked me. I'd give you anything," he said, leaning over the desk with a kissy face.

He stopped when his lips planted against the kidō book he'd gifted to her this morning. "Captain, I'm working on my response to the formal complaint from the vice captain of the Kidō Corps. Sasakibe-san implied it would be in my favor to return the forms quickly. I'm sorry, but I can't talk about it with you and I have to work on it at least a little more today."

Shunsui's face grew serious as she spoke, but he still smiled easily at her. "I understand, Nanao-chan."

"I'll see you when I get home," she said, implying he should leave. The man could be a terrible distraction when he wanted to be, and sometimes even when he was just napping on the sofa.

"I'll look forward to it." He leaned over and kissed her forehead.

"We're in the office, captain." Nanao gave him a look over her glasses.

"Everyone's gone home already." He winked at her, and strolled out the door. "I'll see you later, Nanao-chan."

Nanao continued work on her response, grateful that he hadn't argued with her or tried to see the complaint. The sooner she finished this work and returned it to Sasakibe, the less risk there was of Shunsui learning about the command post events.

It was thirty minutes later that she finished another of the forms and flipped through the pile. She could probably complete the remaining forms in the morning and bring them to the First in the afternoon.

She was surprised again by Shunsui's reiatsu. This time he appeared almost immediately in the door, laden with dishes.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Since Nanao-chan can't come to the noodle shop, I brought the noodle shop to Nanao-chan!" He grinned at her and set the food on the small low table Nanao ate lunch at frequently.

"You didn't have to do that. I was going to leave in a few minutes," she said, rising. Shunsui ushered her to the table and she sat down to eat.

"It's udon."

It was one of her favorite dishes from the noodle shop and it pleased her he remembered that. "Thank you, captain."

"Call me Shunsui, Nanao-chan." He endeavored to look hurt, but she shook her head at his exaggerated expression.

"We're in the office," she said.

"Then I look forward to hearing you call me Shunsui tonight, when we're at home."

Nanao smiled a little and shook her head. The udon was good, and still hot. How had he used shunpo without spilling any? Nanao considered the possibilities while she ate. Perhaps there was a kidō spell? That reminded her of the kidō manual he'd gifted her with this morning. "Thank you for the book. It was very thoughtful of you."

He smiled all the way to his eyes. "Did you like it, Nanao-chan?"

"It's very interesting. There are some words and phrases I'm not familiar with, though."

"Well, it's a very old book. You should read it when we're together, and I can tell you what everything means."

"You'll spend the whole time trying to get me to sit on your lap." She huffed a little.

"That's because it's the perfect position for us to read together! Then I can easily see over Nanao-chan's shoulder to the book, and offer my assistance with any unknown language." He finished his food and stretched out on the floor beside her, propping himself up on one elbow.

"You don't want me to sit in your lap for educational purposes," she said. She ate some noodles, smiling at the taste. She'd been so hungry without realizing it and the food was delicious.

"On the contrary, I think you sitting in my lap would be very educational for both of us. We could both obtain a great deal of enlightenment." His voice dipped from teasing to a dark honey tone.

She pushed a bite of noodles into her mouth to give herself time to think. His teasing had taken on a more sensual note lately. Perhaps it wasn't that different from his usual teasing and only seemed more sensual because she knew he meant what he said now—he desired her, and he wanted her to know that. Yet he'd been careful from the start of their trial courtship to not overwhelm her with his desire. He'd said she should be happy with each step of their relationship.

But she was only now realizing that meant Shunsui would wait for clear signals from her that she wanted more from him. If he'd been cautious before, he was even more so after she'd nearly ended their relationship on the second night. If she wanted things to advance between them, she'd have to tell him clearly. Nanao was ordinarily a direct person in her work and her life; she had no trouble dictating assignments, listing expectations, and setting boundaries.

Why, then, was it so difficult to ask for what she wanted in her romantic relationship? It wasn't just because this was a new area for her, although that was certainly part of the issue—the gap in their experience levels that remained still bothered her. She took another bite of noodles, her brow furrowed.

Nanao was afraid. The thought sprung out of nowhere, but as soon as she saw it, she knew it was the truth. She was afraid that Shunsui would find her inadequate, afraid that he would reject her advances, afraid of exposing her emotions and her dreams and having them crushed.

She scowled. Nanao hated being afraid; she hated feeling cowardly or weak. Shunsui wasn't afraid. He'd offered her his heart whole and she'd sliced it up out of misery at his previous lifestyle, but he still kept offering her his heart with all the same openness as before. That was brave. Nanao had taken the big risk of asking him for a relationship, but she'd let her fears have far too much power over her since then. She needed to take action.

Everything would be easier if she could trust Shunsui completely. She trusted him with her life already; now she needed to try and trust him with her heart. He said he loved her and she knew that he desired her, so she had to trust him not to reject her. At the least she couldn't be ruled by fear. Not when she was already committed to a path of reaching out for what she wanted. What she wanted most was Shunsui, so she would keep reaching out for him. She could start with something small.

She smiled. "I am always interested in learning new things."

He chuckled, looking a little surprised. "Nanao-chan is even making jokes today."

She finished her udon and arranged her dishes neatly. "Who's joking?" She kept her face and voice cool as she rose to straighten the papers on her desk.

He was behind her with his hands on her shoulders in a flash. "If you want something from me, you need only say so, Nanao-chan," he murmured in her ear.

"We're in the office," she repeated.

"Let me remedy that." He wrapped an arm around her waist and she felt the disorientation and the rush of air around her. His shunpo had them at his house in seconds.

"We left the dishes," she blurted out, and tugged herself out of his grasp, taking a few steps back.

His eyes were narrowed with a predatory gleam. "Forget the dishes."

Her eyes widened as he stalked closer.

"What do you want, Nanao-chan? Tell me," he whispered in her ear, leaning over her.

She swallowed. His reaction was more intense than she'd expected, perhaps more than she could handle. She didn't speak.

His lips brushed the curve of her ear. "Tell me, Nanao-chan."

Her breath caught in her throat. Could she do something like this?

He cupped her face in his hands. He tipped her head up until she met his eyes. His face was close to hers. "We're alone here. This is between us, sweetheart."

Her lips parted, but she didn't speak.

"I want to give you what you want, Nanao-chan. Tell me." His thumbs brushed her cheekbones softly.

Her eyes darted to his lips, and she licked her own. Her heart was beating quick and hard, and she wondered if he could feel her pulse under her skin.

"I already know what you want. You can tell me."

She swallowed. "Why do you want me to tell you what I want if you already know? That's unnecessary."

He smiled. His hands were so warm on her face and neck. She wanted that heat all over her skin. "It's unnecessary for me. But it's very necessary for you."

He wanted her to admit her desires, to accept some responsibility for what was between them. If he swept her away and she regretted it later, their relationship would falter and possibly fail. But it was so hard for Nanao to say even this small wish. She took a shallow breath. "I thought that—I would perhaps like to receive detailed information in a particular area."

"Is that so, Nanao-chan? I am always eager to satisfy your curiosity." His voice made her shiver with anticipation. "What area is of interest to you?"

"I would like additional information on kissing," she said primly.

"I'd be glad to advise you, Nanao-chan. But kissing is something best learned by doing it." He rubbed his thumb over her lips once. She glanced up at his face. His eyes were tender and dark—not amused, as Nanao had feared.

"Learning by experience, then." Nanao nodded. "I'd like to begin my research at your earliest convenience."

He smiled. "As it happens, I have some time now." He led her to the porch overlooking the back garden.

Nanao watched as he gathered some cushions into a fluffy pile and sprawled out on them. He patted his leg, indicating that she should sit on his lap, but instead she sat on her heels neatly a few feet away from him, spine straight.

"Yare, yare, Nanao-chan. You'll have to come a little closer than that." He held out a hand to her. "Do you want to have a drink first?"

Nanao shook her head. She looked at his hand but did not take it, instead sliding over towards him another foot. His hand landed softly on her face, his knuckles brushing her skin.

"Look at me, Nanao-chan. Are you afraid?"

Her spine stiffened. She adjusted her glasses. "I am not afraid," she snapped.

"It was a poor choice of words. What if I ask if you are concerned?"

"Not about kissing." She hesitated. "However, I might have some concerns about further areas of study."

He gently turned her head with his fingers on her chin. "Sweet Nanao-chan. I told you that I want you to be happy with everything. If you want to kiss, that delights me. There's no rush, is there? Moments like this should be savored." She scanned his face, but it was sincere. He smiled, and there was anticipation in it that made her dart her tongue out to wet her lips.

Slowly she reached out one of her hands to him. He clasped it in his much larger hand and drew her to him until they faced each other on the cushions, thigh to thigh. She was grateful he didn't pull her into his lap; she didn't feel like she could maintain her dignity in that position right now. Her body flared to life when they touched, a reaction that Nanao had no control over and that worried her. She'd been aching for him since last night.

At the oddest moments earlier in the day, her attention would wander to remember the feeling of his hands on her skin, or the touch of his lips over hers. She thought of him in the middle of her second kidō class, with shivers running down her spine. She'd eaten a candy after lunch and thought of him devouring her mouth. He'd roused something in her that was hungry and burning and needing. She did not think she would be able to go back to the way she'd been before he'd kissed her, when she'd had full control over the world of sensation locked away inside her. "It's your fault."

"What's my fault, Nanao-chan?"

She startled when he replied to her thought, and flushed a little when she realized she'd spoken it aloud. "So many things it'd difficult to keep track of them."

Shunsui smiled. "I'm sure that's true," he said easily. He leaned over until his face was even with hers.

Even though this was her idea, she felt nervous suddenly. "Maybe I should take notes." Nanao stood quickly, wiping her hands on her uniform.

He stopped her by taking one of her hands and pressing a kiss into the palm. "Why don't we practice first? If you still want notes, you can make them after."

Nanao couldn't think of a way to object further without seeming cowardly, so she nodded and dropped back to sit on the cushions. "Very well." She stiffened her spine and clasped her hands together in her lap.

"Lovely, lovely Nanao-chan," he murmured, and leaned in close again. His lips brushed over hers in a soft kiss. He dropped light kisses on her cheeks, her jaw, the corners of her mouth, and then returned to kiss her lips fully.

When he pulled back slightly to study her face Nanao asked, "This is the start of a kiss, then?"

He lifted her glasses off and set them on the porch safely away from the cushions. "You can start with anything you like. This is something sweet," he said, sweeping light kisses from her ear to her mouth. He took her hands in his and rested them on his shoulders. After a moment he drew his hands away and wrapped one around her waist, caressing her neck with the other. "Then there's something like this, which you could call teasing." He licked at her lips, drew the bottom one into his mouth a little to nibble it, and ran his tongue along the seam of her teeth.

Nanao's mouth opened slightly in response to his play, but he continued to tease her with kisses and licks and bites. She made an impatient noise and tugged on his shoulders. He smiled against her lips. Her eyes fluttered open when his mouth left hers. "What do you want, Nanao?"

She took a few deep breaths. She wanted to have a kiss that felt like the one he'd given her the night she'd asked him for a trial relationship. That kiss was deep and hot and tender, and it'd been untainted by thoughts of other women he'd had. She wanted to feel that again, but as an active participant. Asking for something like that directly seemed too difficult; she didn't know the words. She took refuge in professional language. "It seems that a deeper exploration of the subject would be prudent."

"I like it when you talk dirty to me," he said, grinning. He swallowed her indignant response, his mouth on hers, devouring. This was what she'd wanted. Sparks of heat ran through her body, pooling in her belly. Tentatively she moved her tongue against his and he made an approving noise. "Play with me, Nanao," he said against her lips when they parted for air.

She imitated his movements, stroking his tongue with hers, moving her lips as he did. "Like this?" she asked between kisses, the words barely a whisper.

"Yes." He kissed her deeply, gently at first but with increasing pressure as Nanao responded. She rubbed her body against him, and he lifted her into his lap so that she straddled his hips. Her hands slipped under his uniform and explored the skin of his shoulders.

The need she'd felt last night returned, becoming more urgent with each kiss. She moved against him restlessly and sighed at the feeling of his hard body against her. She repeated the motion until he groaned and clamped his hands on her hips.

"It's your fault," she gasped, trying to move against his hold. Her nails bit into his back.

"My fault? Tell me about it."

She pressed her lips against his. She gave him sweet kisses and then teased him, as he'd shown her, before exploring his mouth with her small tongue. His hands shifted on her hips to feel her butt, grasping each cheek firmly so he could hold her still. "It's your fault," she whispered. "I thought about you all day."

"Did you? I like to hear that." He leaned back enough to see her face clearly. "What do you want, Nanao-chan?"

Her eyelids fluttered and her cheeks blushed pink. She licked her swollen lips with her tongue and tried to shift in his lap. She didn't speak, but instead pulled on his shoulders to bring him back to her for a kiss. When she pulled back he traced kisses on her neck. "I want—I want—" she couldn't finish her thought.

"Tell me," he said in a voice like dark and smooth honey.

Nanao fought against herself for a long moment, battling her instinct to protect herself from rejection and embarrassment. She pressed her face against his chest. "You." It was the barest flutter of sound against his skin.

"Nanao-chan." He lifted her face and kissed her deeply. "You make it hard for me to take my time, sweetheart. Let me touch you. Just through your clothes," he added when she bit her lip.

She hesitated. The heat in her body made her limbs heavy. She brought a hand up to his face and swept it along his jaw, touching his lips with her fingers. "I trust you," she whispered.

"Nanao." He kissed her, a deep kiss textured by lips and tongues. His hands explored her body through her clothes, pausing near the neckline of her uniform and the side slits in her pants, but resisted the temptation to enter the openings. One of his hands slipped down her thigh and between her legs. She shivered and moaned into his mouth as his fingers stroked her through her clothes.

She wanted to give him permission to go into her clothes, because she was burning and his touch was so good—arousing and soothing and necessary all at once—she was greedy for it. But she couldn't pull her mouth away from his kiss now, not when the sensation was building, building, and then she dug her nails into his back as she shivered. Small sounds escaped her lips into his mouth as she peaked.

Afterward, he resettled her on his lap with her legs between his and her head resting on his chest as her heart slowed and her breathing eased. He ran a soothing hand over her hair. She looked for her hairpin and saw it with her glasses; he was always took it out whenever he had the chance.

"I hope you found your research interesting." She could both hear and feel his voice from her position on his chest.

She would have blushed, but she felt too relaxed to be embarrassed. "It was most informative."

"I'm glad you found it satisfying. I volunteer myself for any time you want to explore further areas of study. My Nanao-chan is a quick study." She glanced up to see him smile at her. It reached all the way to his eyes.

Nanao sat with him on the porch for a long time. The air was crisp but she was warm in Shunsui's embrace. She felt content with the events of the evening; there was none of the regret she'd half-expected and feared. Though the gap in their experience was still so large, and that was a concern, Shunsui took such care with her that she didn't feel inadequate or incapable when she was with him. Actually she found him too cautious in some ways—as if he worried showing her his desire would frighten her. But she did have to admit, there were times she would see him watching her like she was a feast and he was a man starved, and her heart would race. Some of that was fear of his intensity, but some of it was excitement.

His pace with their relationship gave her mixed emotions. She was touched because he wanted so much for her to feel comfortable and happy with anything that happened between them. She was bothered because she did have limited time with him before the unknown future would swing down, possibly dividing them forever. But he didn't know that, so if she wanted to move forward with him in this relationship, physically and emotionally, she'd have to take the initiative.

She thought about what would happen if she couldn't be with him after the judgment for her crimes at the command post. Her contentment faded as her heart ached at the thought of leaving him. At this point, she didn't even want to sleep alone anymore, but Nanao knew that she was strong. She would survive without him if she must. And she didn't need to sleep with him. She just enjoyed the closeness and the contact with him so much more than she enjoyed her solitude.

She'd been touched more in the last few days than she had in the last few decades. Secretly she delighted in it, as if he was warming not just her body but her heart with his embrace. That was something he'd like to hear; it would appeal to his romantic nature. Not that she could ever say words like that out loud.

She could feel the hour growing late so she reluctantly climbed off him. "I'm going to take a bath."

Shunsui pressed a kiss into her hand.

She washed with the new soaps he'd gifted her, enjoying their unique fragrance. Yawning, she dressed in a sleeping robe and walked back out to the porch. Shunsui still lounged on the cushions, now with a drink in his hand. She came up behind him and slipped his uniform top down his arms. Silently she began the healing kidō. He made a sound of enjoyment in his throat when she sent her reiatsu through his body, something she did because he liked it, not because he really needed it.

When the light faded from her hands she spontaneously ran her hands up to his shoulders and pressed herself against him in a quick almost-hug. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

"Stay with me, Nanao-chan. We sleep so well together." He turned to study her face.

Her hands fidgeted a little so she clasped them in front of her stomach. "When I go back to my quarters, I'll be sleeping alone again. I need to be able to do that." She didn't mention the nightmares, but she knew he was aware of them.

His eyes watched her intensely but he spoke easily. "But that's not today, is it?"

Nanao shook her head. He rose from the cushions and took her hand, leading her into the bedroom.

"Stay with me," he said. His eyes glowed in the moonlight.

She nodded. Maybe it was weak of her, but it was easy to give in to him when she did not want to sleep alone in the cold bed in the guest room. She fussed with the blanket as he got ready for bed.

He got into the bed and pulled her back against him, curling himself around her body. She put one of her hands over the hand he rested on her stomach, drew it up to her chest and laced her fingers through his larger ones. He made a sound of pleasure and kissed her temple.

Nanao's eyes closed, her lips curved into a smile.


	19. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

She was more than an hour late to work. She'd meant to be on time, and she'd woken at the right hour. But the world outside the bed was cold and Shunsui was so warm, she didn't want to leave him. She spent some pleasant time drowsing in his arms and committing his sleeping face to her memory. He looked happy in his sleep; with his eyes closed, the sad, aware expression they often held was hidden, and his mouth curved up, especially when he felt her touching him.

She wondered a bit that he slept so easily through her wakeful presence, but then again, how uncomfortable would it be to always be waking up whenever anyone with reiatsu was near? Perhaps he was at ease with her, awake or asleep. The idea made her smile slightly.

She rose on her knees and tugged at his clothes. Shunsui shrugged out of his sleeves and rolled on his stomach, barely awake. His wounds from the war were close to completely healing. She lit her hands with kidō and placed them on his cero wound and the sword wound from Aizen. Her reiatsu flowed into his body and he made a low sound of pleasure in his throat. They passed the minutes in silence, Nanao's fingers absently stroking the skin under her hands.

She kissed his shoulder as the kidō faded, then pulled back and rose from the bed. He watched her with heavy-lidded eyes. She smiled, a small curve of her lips, and he smiled back, wide and warm.

No one seemed to notice her tardiness at the Eighth, or if they did, they didn't say anything to her. Nanao knew her expression was extra severe today. She'd given Shunsui so many liberties that she drew her vice captain persona around her more tightly than ever at work, afraid that everyone would see on her face what she felt for him.

When she stepped into the office she stopped as soon as she saw her desk. There were flowers—delicate white and pink lilies—in a beautiful porcelain vase. She felt delight at the mystery of it—when had Shunsui gotten these? This wasn't the right season for them. When had he put them here? She'd been with him or in the office nearly all of yesterday. Perhaps he'd gotten someone to help him. She petted a silky petal with the tips of her fingers and sniffed the heart of one of the flowers.

There was a note on her desk: _These are beautiful, but not half as lovely as you are. Yours, Shunsui_

The sentiment was romantic and exaggerated, Nanao thought, but in the privacy of her office she allowed herself to enjoy the pleasure of being a woman that a man would go to a lot of effort for just to make a sweet gesture.

She spent the hours of the morning working on her response to the complaint and finished it before lunchtime. The papers she tucked back into the folder Sasakibe gave her; she would see him this afternoon and return them. She stood, stretching, and strolled over to the window to stare out at the courtyard.

Shunsui's reiatsu appeared at the edges of her awareness only a moment before he wrapped around her body from behind. She leaned into him briefly and then straightened. "What are you doing here?"

"I work here, lovely Nanao-chan, remember?" he said near her ear.

"But you weren't coming in this week."

"You're at work." He kissed her neck.

"Stop that. We're in the office." She scowled at him over her shoulder.

"So?"

"What if someone comes in?"

"They can't see what I'm doing if you're in front of me. You're too small." He nibbled at her ear, her jaw.

"That's not the point," she said, though the point was rapidly fading away in importance. "Thank you for the flowers. When did you do that?"

"That's a secret, Nanao-chan. Did you like them?"

"They're beautiful, although you didn't have to go through the trouble of getting them."

He caressed the pulse in her neck. "I would go through any amount of trouble to see happiness on your face." He bent to kiss her again, turning her enough to reach her cheeks and then her lips.

"That's unnecessary," she said, but she allowed him several seconds of kisses, because the flowers were beautiful and because she liked his kisses. Eventually she pulled away from him, ducking under his arm. "I was just going out for lunch," she said, straightening the neck of her uniform.

"Excellent. We'll go together."

She nodded. This was normal enough; they went out together for a meal often. They walked through the division, Shunsui greeting everyone with good cheer.

"You're happy today," she said as they sat down in the restaurant.

"Well, I'm having a very good week." He grinned. She glared at him. "And now I'm with my Nanao-chan." He reached a hand out to caress her neck but she slapped him away with her fan.

"Stop that," she hissed.

"And, Ukitake is going home today, which I'm helping with later," he continued blithely, as if she'd never hit him or hissed at him.

"Captain Ukitake is being released from the Fourth? That's good news."

As they ate, making light conversation about their friends and Shunsui's new straw hat and the paperwork, Nanao gradually relaxed. She'd been afraid that if their relationship changed things wouldn't be normal between them anymore. But here they were, talking, laughing, bickering as usual. Shunsui did have a ridiculous smile on his face, but she could live with that.

Back in the office she sat down at her desk, settling some of the backlog paperwork in front of her. Shunsui flipped over and over on the hated sofa.

"It's a nice day, and you aren't even supposed to be back at work yet. Why don't you go sleep outside?" Nanao raised a brow at him.

"I want to be with my Nanao-chan." He rose from the sofa and sauntered across the room to lean over her desk.

"I'm just going to work. And I'll see you later, at home." She stood up, glancing around, and darted a small kiss to the side of his mouth. "Go on."

He grinned at her. "I'll be at the park."

Now she was the one with a ridiculous smile. She shook her head, sorting through the backlog.

After an hour she came across something interesting. She drummed her fingers on the desk and finally nodded to herself.

Members of the Eighth stared openly at the sight of their vice captain leaving the office in the middle of the day without telling anyone where she was going.

* * *

Nanao walked briskly through the park, never taking her eyes from her target. She carried under one arm her portable desk, and under the other a book and a sheaf of papers. The desk was not new; it had been a gift from Captain Ukitake some years ago, shortly after she became vice captain of the Eighth.

He had given it with the intent of making her working life easier by allowing her to bring work to her captain, instead of struggling to bring her captain to work. She'd thanked him politely for his gift but never used it. The captain should come to the office and work. Nanao had believed in that principle strongly and spent the next few decades trying to push Shunsui behind his desk.

Today was the first time the portable desk had left Eighth Division.

She stopped under the foot of a maple tree and sighed at the man laying there. He wasn't asleep; she doubted he'd been asleep from the moment she'd entered the park. Shunsui was always aware of her; it was something that had long both unnerved her and pleased her. She had tried hard to maintain a level of professionalism, and never to let the pleasure of his attentions show, but she felt certain he was always aware of her feelings.

Last night he'd demonstrated his easy mastery over her body and over himself. She'd enjoyed everything that happened, but she felt keenly the inequality of their positions today. Shunsui had never panted for air last night. He'd never lost control of himself. Nanao had, and while she'd been satisfied by his efforts, she was unsatisfied with her own role and with Shunsui's ease in all of their physical encounters. She wanted to see him sweat and tremble and maybe even beg. It might take time, but Nanao was very goal-oriented.

Today she would take the first step to try to change their roles. He might still dominate, but she was going to wrestle for more power between them, and he was going to be completely engaged in their match.

"Captain," she said.

His new straw hat tipped up, and he looked at her with warm eyes. "My lovely Nanao-chan. Have you come to admire the day with me?" He shifted over, leaving space open on the pink haori he was resting on, but did not sit up. "Please, sit with me."

He watched from under his hat with some interest as she set out the portable desk next to him, opening it and arranging the sheaf of papers on it. She carefully opened the closure on the ink and pulled out a brush from a compartment in the desk.

"Clever Nanao-chan, where did you get that?"

She sat in front of the desk, parallel to his chest, and straightened the creases of her uniform. She set the thin book on the desk. "Captain Ukitake gave it to me."

"Ukitake gave you a traveling desk? You see, Nanao-chan? I'm not the only one that wants you to get out of the office more." He tipped his hat back and grinned at her.

"Captain Ukitake was trying to make my working life easier," she said, her back very straight. She picked up the book and opened it to the first page.

"Yare, yare, Nanao-chan. Even under a tree in a grassy field you manage to look like you're behind your desk at the office. Why don't you relax a little?" He lifted a lazy hand to her arm and trailed his fingers up to her shoulder. Her fan tapped him lightly on the fingers before he could reach her neck.

"We're working, even if we're not in the office. I need you to review the new edition of the uniform regulations code."

He pulled his hand back to rest on his stomach. "That doesn't seem like something that would ordinarily bring you out to find me. Why don't you review it, Nanao-chan? I'm sure you know much more about uniform regulations than I do." He met her baleful gaze and smiled. "When did Ukitake get you the desk?"

"Of course I know more about uniform regulations than you do. I read the new edition every year and sign the certification for Eighth Division." She closed the book with a loud _thwap_ and held it up near his face. "However, this year Vice Captain Sasakibe specifically asked that you review the uniform code and sign the certification personally, as well as a certification acknowledging that you are breaking the uniform code in at least eight different ways."

"Eight? That seems like an awful lot of violations."

"Those are only the visible violations. You could be breaking the code further without Sasakibe-san's knowledge."

"Visible violations? My Nanao-chan is welcome to inspect me for further violations." The hand resting on his stomach came up and parted his uniform top further, baring a long expanse of chest and stomach. He grinned wickedly, but froze as Nanao put one hand on the ground and twisted to lean her head over his chest, a few feet above from his body.

Nanao studied his chest and stomach, privately admiring the golden skin and firm muscles. She was aware of his gaze on her and glanced at his face out of the corner of her eyes. He was watching her with an intensity that made her swallow, his eyes dark and glittering under the shade of his hat.

She set the book down on her desk and slowly let her freed hand drift towards his body. When her fingers brushed against the muscles of his stomach he tensed but did not move. Nanao pulled the right side of his uniform top across his body, covering his exposed flesh. The back of her hand stroked over his skin as she neatly tucked the fabric under the sash riding low on his hips. She repeated the gesture with the left side of his uniform top.

Shunsui was not even breathing.

Nanao turned back to the desk and picked up the book, opening it and flipping through the pages. She stopped near the middle and turned back to face him, one finger tapping the page. "Wearing your uniform like that is also a violation, captain." She stared at the book.

"Nanao," he said in that deep, hot tone that sent a curling heat through her body. He'd dropped the diminutive from her name, and she knew that this was dangerous territory, that this was the point that she should run away and admit that she was not capable of navigating this field, or let him take the lead again, walking her slowly through; but today was a new day, and if she wanted to dominate or just to have equality in the match between them, even if only for one day, she needed to navigate this ground herself.

He moved then, easing into a seated position beside her with a care usually reserved for approaching wild animals. Her spine began to stiffen further, and at the exact point she thought— _I can't really win this match, not with him_ —he leaned back, resting his weight on his hands, tipping his face to the sun.

"Would that have been nine violations?" He kept his eyes closed, and everything about his face and body radiated ease. Nanao felt her vertebrae relax, one at a time, until she was sitting straightly as she normally would, but not with the stiff formality of a soldier at attention.

"Ten."

"Ten? Really?"

"Each opened side of the uniform constitutes a separate violation. Therefore you were at ten violations."

"You know the rules so well, Nanao-chan. What use would it be for me to read that book, when you are already so capable of addressing the uniform regulations code?" He tilted his head to watch her with heavy eyes.

Nanao had already anticipated this, but she still sighed, so he would know that she did not approve. "I have prepared a summary," she said, setting the book on the grass and picking up a few papers from the desk. She held it out to him, her face carefully blank. His face was lit with amusement at their familiar play. She raised one eyebrow at him when he did not reach for the papers.

"Read it to me."

She had anticipated this, too, but shook her head and sighed at him again before adjusting her glasses and turning the papers. She began to read through the dull information, occasionally pausing for interjections from her captain.

"My haori is a violation, the color of my haori is a separate violation, and covering the number on my captain's haori is another violation? That seems a bit excessive, Nanao-chan."

"The number on your captain's haori is supposed to be exposed so that people will easily recognize you and the authenticity of your authority."

"Everybody knows who I am, Nanao-chan, because of my pink haori. If I stopped wearing it suddenly, no one would recognize me instantly anymore."

"That is not really the point," she said, the corners of her mouth twitching up as she continued to read her summary. He was right, of course, that everyone recognized him as he was; if he did start dressing as a proper captain would, it might take years for Seireitei to get over the shock.

"Is not wearing tabi one violation per foot, or one violation total?" His hand was drifting up her arm again, caressing her through the fabric of her uniform.

"One violation total," she said, slapping him absently with her fan. She ignored him and flipped to the next page of her notes, reading aloud.

"I need my hat to protect myself from the cruel morning sun!"

"If you weren't hungover so often, the sun wouldn't seem so cruel." She smacked the hand wandering across her lower back with the fan.

"My Nanao-chan is as cruel as the sun today, and just as bright and beautiful."

"Technically, your ankle bracelet is also a violation, which should put you at nine violations, but Sasakibe-san must have missed that." She glared at him over the top of her papers, hiding her smile behind the parchment.

"It's a precious charm! My Nanao-chan must have been watching me very closely to notice so many details of my appearance." He was grinning widely at her now, leaning in closer to her face. She bopped him on the nose with the papers in her hand and it caused him to retreat a little, still grinning.

"I see a great deal of your feet and ankles, since you insist on sleeping in the office so often. Moving on, to the regulations of undergarments for the active duty shinigami—"

"Undergarments? There are actual regulations for undergarments?"

She certainly had his full attention now. "Captain, there are regulations for everything. What we are doing now violates at least five regulations I can think of immediately, and I am certain there are more that could be found in the rulebooks at the office."

"We could try to violate more rules while we're out here. No one comes to this part of the park at this time of day." He gave her a suggestive look.

"That would be at least twenty violations of various regulations. And I passed three people in the park on my way here."

"You are a wonder to me, Nanao-chan. So clever and responsible, and with such a luscious—"

"The regulation of undergarments for active duty shinigami, section one," she read, cutting him off before he could elaborate on her luscious parts.

Nanao noted with some amusement that Shunsui listened to the undergarment regulations with more attention than he had ever lent to any previous reading of regulations before. When she finished, she set aside the summary papers on the uniform regulations code manual and shifted through the papers on the portable desk. "Now, you need to sign two separate certifications, one that you have read the uniforms manual, and another one that says you are aware of your uniform violations and the consequences of continuing to dress inappropriately for duty."

"What consequences are there for my uniform violations, Nanao-chan?"

She tapped one of her fingers against her lips, irritated. "There aren't any consequences at the captain level," she said.

He leaned towards her, eyes on her mouth. "What are the consequences for violating the uniform code if you do it?"

"I have no visible violations of the uniform code; therefore there are no consequences for violating it."

His eyes narrowed. "No visible violations. Do you have some secret violations, Nanao-chan?" His gaze fell to her chest.

She barely held down a blush rising on her cheeks, so she turned to the desk, lifting it across his sprawled out legs. "Sign this page."

"Do you have something secret on under your clothes? I've never seen your undergarments, which is a terrible oversight on my part." His voice was smooth and slow like the drip of honey, and she swallowed again.

"Just here at the bottom of the page," she said, tapping the spot.

"Maybe something I got you? Are you wearing one of my gifts, sweetheart?"

She huffed lightly at that. Frequently during her tenure as his vice captain he had given her inappropriate gifts: silk lingerie, satin cocktail dresses, tiny swimsuits, even a corset in soft buttered leather. At just the thought of these items her cheeks flamed brilliant scarlet, but she huffed, "As if I would wear one of those. Your taste is appalling."

"But you are wearing something you aren't supposed to have, aren't you, lovely Nanao-chan?" One of his hands came up to cup her cheek and turn her to face him directly. "You aren't wearing bindings, perhaps?" He swept his eyes over her chest. "Or are you wearing some sweet panties? Forbidden little white panties—"

She pulled his hand off her face and slapped it down on the portable desk. "We're working. This conversation is inappropriate. Pick up the brush."

"My sweet—"

"Pick up the brush," she snapped, and she knew her face was still pink and her eyes narrowed with embarrassment.

Shunsui watched her with open speculation and amusement, but he did pick up the brush and dip it in the ink. "Anything for my Nanao-chan."

She made a disbelieving noise in her throat and looked away, across the trees of the park. How easily he could fluster her, still, after all these years as his vice captain. Today was supposed to be the day she made things change, the day that she won their match. If her time with him was coming to an end, she wanted to finish it on her terms. She wanted to fluster him. She wanted to hear him say her name as he lost control of himself. Her shoulders stiffened with new resolve.

She turned and rose up on her knees, leaning towards his body without touching him. Her face only reached his shoulder, and she used one hand on his arm to guide him into leaning down slightly for her, so his ear was even with her mouth.

"Nanao—" he said, and began to turn his head to face her, but she put her hand on his cheek and faced him towards the desk.

"Sign." Her tone was soft and cajoling, all of her violent embarrassment disappearing from her voice.

He began to sign, his body tense.

Halfway through his signature she shifted her lips to an inch from his ear, letting her breath fall on his cheek. He stopped signing.

"Nanao—"

"Sign," she interrupted him, still using that soft tone that had rarely left her lips before.

Just before he finished his messy signature she drew in a breath.

"They aren't white."

The last line of his signature jolted up the page, leaving a long streak of ink. She smiled slightly. He tried to turn his face towards her, but she kept her hand on his cheek, pressing him to face forward, towards the desk.

"Turn to the next page. This is your certification of uniform violations. Sign at the bottom."

"Nanao—" he tried to speak, but she moved her hand over his mouth as her other hand trailed into the open neck of his uniform and glided over the front of his chest before resting on his shoulder.

"Sign." When he swallowed, she could see the muscles in his throat working. She pulled her hand off his mouth and back to his cheek when he began to draw out the characters of his name.

As he drew the last character she opened her mouth to whisper in his ear.

"They aren't black."

He barely finished signing, and drew in a shuddering breath. "Nanao, you—"

She licked down the shell of his ear and bit down gently on his earlobe, tugging once, then broke away from him and took the portable desk off his lap, straightening the contents. Pulling the brush from his frozen fingers, she tucked it into its compartment, closed the ink, sealed up the desk and put it under her arm. She picked up the uniform regulations code manual and tucked it under her other arm.

"I need to get back to work. Thank you for your cooperation, captain." She took a final look at his shocked face and still body. A wave of satisfaction rolled over her. A tune popped into her head and she hummed it lightly as she walked briskly away from her captain and the park.

It was nearly five seconds after she started walking that Shunsui appeared beside her. "You must have other work for me to do."

Her lips twitched upwards at the eagerness of his tone. "Actually, we are ahead of our current obligations, captain. The remaining work at the office is non-critical and has an extended due date. I don't think I will have any reports for you to view for at least a few days."

"Now Nanao-chan, that can't be true. There is always some work that I've neglected."

"Well, although you don't do very much work, captain, I do several hours of work a day, and I have the authority to take care of nearly everything that comes through the division. You have made your hanko available to me in the office to stamp your name as I see fit. In fact, unless it is explicitly stated on the item that it must be reviewed personally by you, I am able to approve everything that passes through our office. You are free to enjoy your afternoon." She smiled at him beneficently.

"Nanao-chan, please, I want to help you with the important work of our division." He walked beside her but leaned down, so that he could see her obvious amusement and her smile. She made no effort to hide her feelings behind a professional mask, and it felt incredibly liberating.

"I'm afraid there isn't anything that needs a captain's attention. I'm going to take these documents over to First Division. Weren't you going to visit with Captain Ukitake today?"

"Yes, but I can always visit Ukitake later if you need my attention now."

"Please enjoy the afternoon at your leisure. I will be taking tea with Sasakibe-san, so I would not be able to use your attention even if I did have it."

Shunsui sighed. "My Nanao-chan is so—" he paused.

"Cruel?" Nanao suggested brightly.

"Are they pink?"

"I'm sorry, captain, but I don't have any work for you to complete and I have other obligations. Have a good afternoon." She braced and stepped into her shunpo, just hearing him speak as she sped away.

"Definitely cruel," he said, but in that dark honey tone that made her shiver.

Her victorious smile lasted all the way to the doors of First Division.


	20. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

At the First Division Nanao dropped quickly into sobriety. Sasakibe met her at the gate, as he had yesterday, and brought her to his office. She accepted a cup of tea and they spoke for a few minutes of the weather and the condition of various shinigami they knew. When there was a lull, Nanao handed over the folder with her copy of the complaint and her responses.

"Thank you for your promptness in this matter, Ise-san. How did you find the questions?"

Nanao took a sip of tea, considering. "They were interesting, Sasakibe-san. I was a bit surprised by the repetition involved."

"I believe that is intended to draw out possible discrepancies in a person's accounting of events. I am certain that posed no issues for you, however." Sasakibe smiled slightly.

"It did not. Can you tell me what will happen next?"

"Of course this is only speculation, but it is probable that Captain Yamamoto will review the information on your case. He may even request to see you before the case is considered by the Central 46. After the Central 46 reaches a decision on the accused crimes, Captain Yamamoto will consider the complaint and make a judgment about that."

"I see. Can you perhaps speculate as to how long the Central 46 will take to reach a decision?"

"A few days, perhaps a week. The Aizen matter is quite consuming, however."

"Yes, I imagine it must be. I cannot express how I have appreciated your consideration in this matter, Sasakibe-san. Please accept my thanks."

"You're welcome, Ise-san. I am grateful for your professional manner and discretion with regards to this matter."

Nanao smiled and nodded, standing to leave. A thought occurred to her, and she paused. "I do have one more question, if you don't mind. Do you know why the captain commander would have chosen me for the command of Seireitei, especially in light of the serious nature of the order from the Central 46? Wouldn't you have been a more appropriate choice, Sasakibe-san?"

Sasakibe cleared his throat. "As to that, Ise-san, I am certain the captain believed that you would carry out your duties to the best of your ability," he said slowly.

Nanao nodded. She still felt something wiggling in the back of her mind—Captain Yamamoto knew that she had sided with Captain Kyōraku in the Rukia Kuchiki matter; Yamamoto had nearly killed her with his spiritual pressure—so why would he assign her a task that demanded complete obedience to orders so soon after that incident?

She pondered that question as she said goodbye to Sasakibe. Perhaps she would never know the answer.

****************************

Shunsui lounged on Ukitake's porch, as he had on thousands of afternoons. He watched his friend out of the corner of his eye, in case he needed help settling on a cushion. Ukitake looked pale and wan but that by itself didn't indicate much; he frequently looked that way. He didn't ask about his friend's health again; he had at the beginning of the visit—Ukitake said he was fine, and Ukitake preferred not to dwell on the topic of his wellness or lack of it. He seemed no worse than he did after a major attack of his illness, so Shunsui left it alone. Retsu would tell him if things were really going poorly. "I wonder if they'll break the teapot before they manage to bring it out."

Ukitake smiled at the sound of his Third Seats arguing over who would bring his tea. "They have so much energy, don't they?"

"They should learn to relax a little." Shunsui grinned and settled back against the post.

"Oh? You look pretty relaxed yourself. Is it going well with Ise-san?"

"I think it is, now. It wasn't at first. She was concerned about my previous—lifestyle." He flinched a little. Even thinking about Nanao's words stabbed him.

"I'm not surprised. You must admit, moderation hasn't been one of your greater virtues, Kyōraku." Ukitake turned to look into the house. "Are they ever going to bring it?"

"Probably not before it gets cold. But Ukitake, I'm hopeful about things with Nanao-chan. She's even started to play with me. I like it. When did you get her that traveling desk?" He let himself drift a little on the pleasure of their afternoon encounter in the park.

"The portable desk? It was my gift to her when she became your vice captain, I think. Then or perhaps a bit later. I don't remember exactly. What does the desk have to do with your play?" Ukitake shook his head. "Wait, on second thought, I don't need the details about your play. But I'm happy for you and Ise-san."

"Thanks, Ukitake."

"Are you going to tell your family?"

Shunsui raised a brow at him. "I'm trying to draw Nanao-chan in, not scare her off. I can't think of much that would give her more cause to reconsider her relationship with me than a room full of my family."

Ukitake winced slightly, though he tried to cover it with a fast smile, to Shunsui's amusement. "Perhaps it would be best to wait for a while."

"Perhaps it would be best to wait forever, given your reaction. I thought you liked my family," he said, teasing.

"I do like them! I do! They're just very—" Ukitake gestured with a hand, still searching for a word, but nothing seemed to come. He looked at Shunsui for an assisting adjective but Shunsui just grinned. Finally Ukitake just raised his other hand, making a vague motion. He nodded as if this provided all the description necessary.

Shunsui chuckled. "In any case, I'm going to keep Nanao-chan to myself for a while."

"That's a good idea." Ukitake waved at his Third Seats, trying to attract their attention in the hopes of drinking tea while it was still afternoon. His officers didn't notice their captain's efforts.

"How was it when they finally got to see you?" He nodded his head to indicate the bickering Third Seats.

"Well, Retsu-san must have told them not to be too loud or to upset me, because Kiyone spent the whole time trying not to cry, and then they argued in whispers over who had missed me the most. I asked Sentarō if they'd been in the command post during the battle and Kiyone started crying, and Sentarō was trying not to cry, and then they were arguing loudly over who'd missed me the most."

"So they were there. Maybe they can tell us something about what happened with Nanao-chan and the Kido Corps guy," Shunsui said.

"I think so, but Retsu-san asked them to leave the infirmary before I could confirm it for certain. I'm concerned about the complaint against Ise-san too, Kyōraku, but I don't want to force them to break confidentiality."

"As if I would force anyone to do anything." He opened his mouth to say more but was interrupted by the appearance of Ukitake's Third Seats. Sentarō Kotsubaki and Kiyone Kotetsu were still arguing over the tea tray.

"I'm sorry it took so long, captain, but Kotsubaki was being an idiot." Kiyone huffed.

"I'm also sorry it took so long, captain, but she was being a huge jerk." Sentarō crossed his arms.

"I'm not a jerk, you jerk!"

"Shut up, you booger!"

"Yare, yare. You two seem to be doing well. How are you?" Shunsui pushed back his hat to watch the pair.

"Oh, Captain Kyōraku! I'm so happy that Captain Ukitake is home!" Kiyone nodded for emphasis.

"Captain Kyōraku, I'm equally happy that Captain Ukitake is home, if not happier!" Sentarō's head bobbled several times from his powerful nods.

"I'm happier, you monkey!"

"I couldn't be more thrilled, idiot!"

They argued for several seconds, until Ukitake interrupted, scratching the back of his head. "Thank you for the tea, Kiyone, Sentarō."

The two began to leave, each proclaiming their extreme joy at bringing the tea. Suddenly Kiyone stopped and turned back. "Captain Kyōraku? How is Nanao-san? I was a little concerned since she wasn't at work for a while and she hasn't sent any messages about the Women's Association. Was it because of the complaint?"

"I was also concerned about Ise-san! I was about to ask about her, since I just sent my written eyewitness account to First Division," Sentarō said.

"I was more concerned! And my eyewitness account was just as long as yours and better written!"

"Yours couldn't be better than mine! You were crying most of the time! What could you remember about what happened?" Sentarō pointed at Kiyone.

Kiyone put her hands on her hips. "As if I would forget Nanao-san casting a level 99 kidō. You were the one who had to ask me the name of that other kidō!"

"So what if I had to ask the name of the kidō with the light rods. You were the one who forgot what they were fighting over!"

"I did not! And you're the one that's breaking confidentiality now, jerk!"

Sentarō flushed. "You were breaking confidentiality too, stupid!"

Kiyone huffed. "He's her captain, he must know about the complaint already." She looked at Shunsui, who nodded. "See? He already knows."

Shunsui took the lull in their sparring to fish for more information. "Nanao-chan is fine. She was taking care of me; that's why she hasn't been at work. I was surprised that Nanao-chan would cast kidō like that in that situation."

Kiyone rushed to answer him. "Oh no, he was being awful, that guy from the Kidō Corps was a bigger jerk than Kotsubaki even."

"Yeah, he was ruder than Kotetsu, if you can believe it! He said awful things about how the Gotei 13 had died and about Ichigo Kurosaki."

"He didn't say bad things about Ichigo Kurosaki, he said bad things about um, that other guy, what's his name—" Kiyone faltered.

"Oh, with the hat and cane sword—um—" Sentarō faltered too.

"Kisuke Urahara?" Shunsui supplied helpfully.

"Yes! And he was going to do something, or not do something?" Kiyone scrunched her brows together.

"I think it was to do something, because that's when Ise-san used the kidō." Sentarō waggled his eyebrows.

"That's what it was! But it was all in my written testimony, which was completely accurate—"

"Not as accurate as my testimony because mine was a page longer than yours!"

"It wasn't longer, monkey! My handwriting is better than yours, so it took up less space!" Kiyone shouted.

"Well my testimony was more favorable to Ise-san, because I paid more attention to what happened." Sentarō stuck his tongue out at her.

"Mine was better for Nanao-san because I gave a stronger sense of the timeline." Kiyone shoved a hand at Sentarō's face.

"Mine was better because I wrote down what that Kidō guy said to Ise-san!"

"Mine was better because I didn't use dirty language like what that Kidō guy said!"

"What did he say to Nanao-chan?" Shunsui asked with his voice low. Kiyone and Sentarō looked at him nervously, even though he'd left a smile on his face.

"We shouldn't say," Sentarō said with a glance at Ukitake.

"It's alright, you two. You don't have to say anything." Ukitake made a placating gesture with his hands.

"Oh, come on Ukitake, I'm sure it's alright for them to say whatever it is. We're the only ones here." Shunsui raised an eyebrow at his friend.

"You wouldn't like to hear it, sir." Kiyone twiddled her fingers. Shunsui did his best to look sleepy and non-threatening.

"No, you'd be really mad, Captain Kyōraku, about something like that." Sentarō rubbed the back of his head.

"But I wouldn't be angry with either of you, I promise." He smiled at Kiyone.

She looked down at her hands. "He said she was a bitch and that she only got her position because—" She flushed and looked away.

"He implied something about you and Ise-san, sir," Sentarō finished, looking miserable.

"Did he? How rude of him. I'm not sorry to hear he got hung up in Nanao-chan's kidō. Thank you for telling me." Shunsui held onto his smile.

The pair made their goodbyes to Shunsui and retreated into the house.

"It's a shame that the Kidō Corps hides away in their compound," Shunsui said after several minutes.

"Hurting that man might be satisfying, but it wouldn't help Ise-san at all." Ukitake was being reasonable, but Shunsui didn't feel like listening to reason.

"Snapping his neck would be very satisfying."

Ukitake snorted. "As if you would do something like that."

Shunsui pulled his hat lower to cover his eyes.

"In any case, this can't be the first time Ise-san has heard something along those lines."

"It's not. But that doesn't mean I have to like it." Shunsui frowned. "I haven't heard something like that in years."

"Just because you haven't heard it doesn't mean it isn't said. People are more careful around captains, Kyōraku." Ukitake sipped his tea. "Ugh, it's cold. At least now we know what happened, if not why."

Shunsui sighed. "She wouldn't have tied him up in a Bakudō 99 during combat operations for calling her names."

"No, I agree. But we don't know why it happened because Kiyone and Sentarō don't know why it happened."

"Unfortunately the reason is what matters the most to what Yama-jii will decide."

"You'll find out eventually. Before he makes a decision, you'll be fully informed of the complaint. That's your right as her captain. For now, you should just be patient."

Shunsui tipped his hat to look at Ukitake. "It's hard when it's about Nanao-chan."

"Everything is harder for you when it involves Ise-san."

Shunsui nodded and sipped at his tea. "This is awful. Let's have something stronger to drink. I could really use it right now."

***************************

Nanao sat on the porch at Shunsui's house, reading the large kidō book he'd gifted her. It was a couple of hours after she'd left the office, and the sun was hanging low in the sky. She'd stopped at the Tenth after work to see Rangiku. The blonde was working through a backlog of paperwork much larger than the one at the Eighth, and she'd been happy to see Nanao and have an excuse to stop for a while. Nanao'd been pleased to see Rangiku looking less weighed down than she had at the hospital, though she still had dark circles around her eyes and her cheerfulness seemed a little brittle.

It would take time for Rangiku to recover from her loss. If Shunsui was to be believed, time could ease any suffering. Nanao hoped that it was true, for Rangiku's sake, as well as her own sake. She suspected it would take more time than she'd lived to date to get over the loss of Shunsui. She stared at her book, not reading the words, but instead wondering over what Shunsui would think of her after he knew about her crimes.

As if conjured by her thoughts he appeared next to her, sitting on the porch with his legs sprawled out. "How delightful it is to come home and see my beautiful Nanao-chan in my house. I could get used to this," he said.

"Technically we are outside." Nanao glanced up at him from her book. "How is Captain Ukitake?"

"As well as can be expected. Retsu-san isn't sure yet whether this will set back his health permanently, but she's hopeful it won't."

"I hope it won't." Nanao hesitated and then rested her hand on top of his. How many times in the past had she wanted to comfort him but held herself back?

He caught her small hand between his two hands. "Thank you, Nanao-chan."

Her cheeks tinted pink. It seemed so much more difficult to stop herself from reacting when she did something bold than it was when he was being ridiculous. He'd said some outrageous things to her in the past, and she'd gotten very good at containing her reactions, but lately all of that was slipping away.

They sat outside until the light grew too dim for reading. Shunsui offered to make her dinner again, and she accepted, surprised and pleased. Even though it was his dinner, she helped him in the kitchen. They talked about the things they'd done during the day, and it was easy and comfortable. Nanao found herself smiling and even laughing more often than she'd done in the past.

After they ate he suggested they take a walk in the garden. They strolled along a spacious path. His garden managed somehow to be well-planned and maintained and yet still give an impression of wildness, as if the trees and flowers had sprouted up naturally in these bold and whimsical patterns.

"I was a little surprised to see you so early," Nanao said. She ran a hand over the petals of a rust-colored flower.

"Surprised? Why?"

"Because it's Friday. I thought you would be going out drinking." She glanced at him once and then turned back to the garden.

"Would it have upset you if I had?" His tone was that light, curious one he used often.

"Not at all. But if you are well enough to go out drinking, you can hardly have need of a live-in healer." She arched a brow at him.

He led her to a low bench and sat. She put a hand on the stone and shivered; it was cold. He pulled her into his lap, where she sat with the same straightness and dignity she would have had in the office. "I wouldn't want my Nanao-chan to be chilled. Do you think I would have gone out for the evening without telling you, or asking you along?"

"I don't know. It isn't as if you consulted me about your activities in the past."

"But now, Nanao-chan, when we are in an intimate relationship together, when you are staying in my home, you still expect that I would not have the courtesy to tell you what I'm doing?"

He was still using that light, curious voice, but Nanao's fingers fidgeted and she clutched her hands together in her lap. "I don't know how something like this works."

"I see." He brushed the back of his hand over her cheek, her neck, down her straight spine. "It's marvelous how you manage to be so proper in any position. I really wonder how far you can take it."

"A professional attitude is an excellent asset, especially under difficult conditions," she said primly.

"Is it? I wouldn't know." He lifted her chin so her eyes met his. "Did you think I would waste one of my nights during our trial period getting drunk?"

"Certainly you spend a large enough percentage of your time in such a state that it would be a natural conclusion to think you might spend some of this time in the same manner."

"Oh? I suppose that's fair. I have spent a lot of time going out with friends and drinking. And I anticipate that in the future I will still go out sometimes. But when I do, I will talk to you about it. And I will invite you along, even if you decline every time."

Nanao shifted in his lap, her tension easing a little. "I suppose it would be a good idea for both of us to share our plans regularly."

"Absolutely, Nanao-chan. Now let me ask you a question. Do you think I'd prefer to go out drinking with friends and end up passed out on Ukitake's porch or come home early to play in bed with my sexy Nanao-chan?" He bent his head and nibbled at the fine skin of her neck.

Nanao's eyelids fluttered. "I don't know."

"Yes, you do." He sucked at her pulse. "You should answer my question. I answered yours."

She tipped her head back further for him and clutched at his haori. "I didn't ask you any questions."

"Yes, you did. Not openly, but you asked, so now you can answer my question." One of his hands drifted over her waist, her back, and the curves of her hip.

She sighed, dipping her hand inside his uniform to run her fingertips over his chest. "You'd rather go to bed."

"I'd rather go to bed with you. The last part is important too, Nanao-chan." He drew back from her neck and cupped her face with one hand. "Remember how you feel right now, Nanao-chan. I want to come back to this very soon, but first we need to talk about something unpleasant."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"The complaint by the vice captain of the Kidō Corps."

Nanao stiffened in his lap. She withdrew her hand from his chest and stood up, taking a few steps away to study some green shrubbery. "It will be a very short conversation, considering the complaint falls under confidentiality and I can't discuss it with you."

"I know what happened, Nanao-chan."

She felt a chill run up her spine and turned to look at his serious face. "You can't!"

"But I do. You cast a Bakudō 61 and then a Bakudō 99. The guy from the Kidō Corps called you a bitch and said that you were sleeping with me."

Shock, panic, and horror ran through her in simultaneous threads. If he knew what happened then he must know that the complaint was the least of it. "How did you find that out?"

"I'm a resourceful man, Nanao-chan. I know what happened, but I'd like to hear your account of things."

She rubbed at her temple with one hand, glancing at him across the path that separated them, but he was impassive and nothing of his thoughts leaked into his face or voice. "It was going to be bad anyway, but that awful little man—that rude pig—" she stopped, pulling her anger back in.

"Insult him all you like, Nanao-chan. It isn't as if I hold the Kidō Corps in such high regard that I'll be offended." Shunsui sounded a little amused now, but his face was still serious and neutral.

It was the neutrality that was throwing her off. Her captain was many things, but neutral was not usually one of them. Indifferent, lazy, uninterested, yes, he could be all of those things, but neutral about something affecting one of his officers, neutral about something affecting her? Never.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What do you think about my conduct?"

"I think I'd like to beat that little bastard from the Kidō Corps to within an inch of his life. I think he deserved what you gave him."

Nanao tilted her head, her brow furrowed. "But what do you think about my conduct in the command post?"

"I want to hear your account of events first, before I decide," he said.

Insight struck her in a hard burst. "You don't know what happened."

"Oh? Haven't we been talking about what happened this whole time?"

"You know something about the complaint, somehow, but not about what happened in the command post. You don't know why the Kidō officer and I fought." She shook her head. "I see now. You must have gotten it out of Kiyone-san or Kotsubaki-san while you were with Captain Ukitake. You probably led them along just like this." Cold fury ran through her veins.

"You're making a lot of assumptions, Nanao-chan. I could have found this information from any number of sources." He spoke easily and evenly.

"Maybe so, but that's not really the point, is it? You tried to trick me into breaking confidentiality and telling you everything." She crossed her arms under her breasts. There was a chill burning behind her eyes and she knew that they were likely glowing violet.

"Is it so wrong that I want to know what happened? Do you expect me not to try and protect you?" He spread his hands wide, his face earnest.

"I expect you to wait for confidentiality to be lifted. I expect you to follow the procedure that you would accept for any other officer in our division targeted with a complaint." She was so tense she heard her jaw pop on some of the words.

"But you aren't every other officer, Nanao, and I can't treat you as if you were."

"Do you have any respect for me at all as a professional? You can't give me special treatment, it's insulting to me and it's an abuse of your position."

"You don't think I'd try to help other members of our division? Of course I would. But I won't pretend that you aren't different for me. All I want is to know is what happened so I can talk to Yama-jii about this quietly, before anything has to be decided."

"You want to unfairly influence events," she said, coming to stand before him. Her words were frosty with fury.

He smiled. "Of course I want to influence events. I love you, Nanao. If this can be cleared up quietly, without a lot of rumors or trouble, I want to do that."

"That's not something you can do. As a captain, you should respect your position and treat your subordinates equally. Promise that you'll stop this now, and leave things alone until confidentiality is lifted." The thought of him digging into the events at the command post made her heart jump in an irregular rhythm. She wasn't ready to face his reaction to her crimes yet—she'd expected to have more time. Nanao looked into his dark eyes and saw the moment they filled with regret.

"I can't promise you something like that, Nanao. I need to protect you, even if you don't like it." He reached a hand out for her face and she smacked it away, hard.

"I won't let you treat me like a little girl. I am a vice captain of the Gotei 13. You tried to trick me for information and now you won't agree to leave this matter alone, even when it's something you have no right to be involved with at this point anyway?"

Shunsui stood, reaching for her. She dodged his arms and slapped him forcefully across the face with an open palm. A sharp thwack sound fell between them. For a moment they stared at each other, both shocked. She'd never hit him like that before. Her palm tingled and the back of her eyes echoed the feeling.

"Nanao—"

"Stay away from me." She nearly leaped into her shunpo, fleeing from him at her fastest pace. He could easily catch her if he wanted, but she didn't feel his reiatsu following her. She flashed into the barracks of the Eighth and entered her quarters. Her breath came in short pants and she paced the length of her small, sterile quarters with sharp steps.

She sighed. If she stayed here, Shunsui might be tempted to come and talk to her, or come in the night and hold her while she slept, when she wouldn't remember she was angry with him. In the past he would have left her alone for certain, until she cooled off and restarted their relationship, but now everything was changed and she didn't know how to predict him.

She picked up a heavy tome on kidō links and flashed out of her quarters. At the Tenth Division she hesitated and felt for Rangiku's reiatsu. Her friend was still in the office the captain and vice captain shared, likely working on the mountain of paperwork.

At the door to the office she hesitated again, but Rangiku called out, "Come in!" and she entered. "Oh, Nanao-san, I wasn't expecting to see you again so soon." Rangiku smiled, but it faded as she took in Nanao's face. She stood and walked over to Nanao. "Well, I wanted to stop for the night anyway. Come back to my room and tell me what that idiot man did. I have some nice plum wine I've been saving."

"How do you know it was an idiot man?" Nanao asked.

"You only wear that expression when your captain has done something really, really stupid."

Nanao almost laughed, blinking her eyes rapidly. "Thank you, Rangiku-san."

"That's what friends do, Nanao-san." She smiled.

A small smile crept onto Nanao's lips. "Thank you, Rangiku-san."


	21. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

"We're friends, aren't we?"

Shunsui tipped his straw hat back enough to see a large bust and a head of long blonde hair but still avoid the bite of the sun. "We've been buddies for years, sure."

"We must be good friends if I got up this early just to come and see you, when I could still be sleeping." Rangiku sat down on a cushion on his porch, helping herself to some cucumber slices from a tray near his feet.

"Why would you get up at this hour on a Saturday?" Shunsui glanced over at the sun and gauged it to be mid-morning. He'd never gone to bed last night, instead sitting out on the porch and drinking.

"Firstly, because Nanao-san was up and she needed to have some breakfast, and secondly, so I could come and scold you." Rangiku ate a cucumber slice and gave the sun an unhappy glare.

"Nanao-chan was with you?"

"Yes, she was, though I think you knew that already."

Shunsui said nothing. He'd scanned for Nanao's reiatsu last night, in case she'd gone somewhere unwise in her anger, but she'd been safely ensconced in the Tenth Division all night. He knew better, anyway—Nanao didn't act foolishly, and she certainly wouldn't hand him an excuse to come and save her from a bad situation, so that she would be overcome with gratitude and forget their fight. Other women might do things like that, but not Nanao.

"I'd expected that you and Nanao-san would have issues, of course, because, although I love her dearly and she's the smartest girl, she's not the best with emotional things. And of course you're you, so there were always going to be some problems, but I didn't think they'd be so serious so soon."

"She was angry?"

"Hmm. I'd say more upset, like if she wasn't Nanao-san she would have cried. Though she did get angrier after a few glasses of plum wine."

He winced. He'd expected her to be angry, but he didn't like to hear that she'd been upset to the point of tears. "You got her drunk?"

"No. But she's a bit of a lightweight, and it was a very nice wine." Rangiku sighed at the tray after she'd eaten all the cucumber slices.

"Did she tell you about the complaint?" Shunsui sat up slowly, leaning back on his hands. He watched Rangiku's face with eyes shadowed by his hat.

She made a tsk-tsk sound. "Nanao-san was quite clear that the complaint and all the events around it are still confidential."

"That doesn't mean she didn't tell you." He narrowed his eyes, considering the best way to get the information from Rangiku.

"Don't look at me like that. Whatever I know, I'm not going to tell you. I respect confidentiality—" she paused as he laughed, low and amused. "But more importantly, I respect Nanao-san."

"You really aren't going to tell me."

"If I knew anything, I wouldn't tell you. I will give you some free advice, though. Nanao-san is a very proud woman. She takes pride in her work, in her position as a vice captain, and in her division. You trampled that pride by trying to treat her differently than you would another officer." Rangiku gave him a sharp look.

"I understand Nanao-chan's pride, but she isn't just another officer to me."

"That doesn't matter. You're trying to baby her—"

"I'm not—"

"That's crap. You are. Don't try to pretend otherwise. You want to use your position for her sake. Frankly, I can understand that. I don't even necessarily think there's anything wrong with it. But you're going about it the wrong way." She drummed her fingers on the tray.

"Do you think so?" he asked.

"I like that, the way you can tell someone off without raising your voice or saying the words." She grinned. "Seriously though, in your working relationship, you are her boss, her leader, her captain. But in the relationship between the two of you, both of you must be equals. You aren't treating her that way now."

"I've always respected Nanao-chan," he said.

"Then respect her now. Separate your working relationship and your personal one more. Treat her with the respect that you have for her. Stop digging about the complaint." There was a hard thread running through Rangiku's voice. He liked her for her fun side, but he knew there was a core of iron inside of her that rarely showed.

"That's difficult."

"Then this won't end well. Her pride won't break for your peace of mind."

"How can I let this go without knowing how serious it is?" Shunsui wondered if it was possible to pull information out of Rangiku if he used the right angle. Somehow he doubted it.

"You have to trust Nanao-san as a vice captain. You have to believe that whatever she did, she did it because she believed it was the best course of action. You have to believe that she grew up with the values of your division and followed them. If you believe those things, then you can let this go for now, and act when you have all the information in hand, after confidentiality is lifted."

He stared off into the garden for a long minute. "I do believe in her. And it's not as if I have a lot of choices in this. If I don't let it go, she won't continue our relationship."

"If you treat her like a little girl, it's hard to see how you could be together as equals," Rangiku said, raising one well-arched brow.

"Protecting Nanao-chan is not the same as treating her like a child. Asking me not to protect her is asking too much."

Rangiku shrugged. "I didn't say that it was easy, I just said that it was necessary." She stood, stretching. "I think I'm going to go and take a nap. It really is too early for me to be out on a Saturday. If I were more diligent, I'd go back into the office and get right to work on our backlog. Actually I have a feeling there won't be as much work left tomorrow as there was last night."

Shunsui reached for and found Nanao's reiatsu in the Tenth Division offices. "She's doing your paperwork?"

"It seems so. I'd try to stop her, but if she feels like she owes a favor she likes to repay it quickly, and frankly, she's a lot better at that kind of work than I am. Of course, now that you know where she is you could go and make up with her." She smiled at him.

"Maybe I will." He smiled back at Rangiku, but he was still bothered by dropping the complaint. Still, he didn't see a good path around it for now.

Rangiku moved as if to jump into shunpo, but stopped. "I know what it feels like to be close to someone with secrets." She looked back at him, her eyes full of shadows.

Shunsui only nodded. He didn't need to ask who she was talking about, and she likely wouldn't want to talk about Gin with him.

"So I will tell you one thing. I have a feeling that when everything comes out, she's going to need us to stand for her."

He nodded slowly at Rangiku's solemn face. "That's a promise I can easily keep."

************************

Shunsui stood in the door to the captain's office at the Tenth. He saw the moment Nanao realized he was there—her back stiffened and her hand tightened on the papers she was reading—but she did not look up. His feet were quiet on the wood floors but the tension in Nanao ratcheted up visibly with each step he took. He walked around the desk and knelt beside her chair.

"Nanao-chan," he said, and she finally dropped the brush and the papers and turned her head to look at him. His heart contracted painfully at her pale face, at the dark shadows under her eyes, but mostly at the emotions in her eyes. She was afraid of him, of what he might say to her, and also so vulnerable that he wanted more than ever to protect her, even from himself. He clasped her icy hands between his and considered which words would be the right ones.

He remembered another day she'd looked at him with eyes like these, waiting for his words. It was a day that altered the course of his life.

_Twelve Years After Nanao Became Vice Captain_

The sun blazed mercilessly overhead. Days like this—when the air was still and stifling like a wool blanket and the sun stood like a cheerless spectator in the sky—were rare in Soul Society even in the heart of summer. In concession to the weather Shunsui had shed his pink and white outer layers and then dropped his arms out of his top layers, leaving the sleeves to wave like mad flags when he flashed in and out of the fight.

He felt a moment of pity for Nanao, trapped in the full black uniform as she was—he'd suggested that she too could strip down, but she'd refused with a crisp comment on professionalism and a raised eyebrow. She was slower today than she'd been last week. Her tantō came up to block his wakizashi, almost too late. She was struggling, sweat beads running down her face and neck, her breathing harsh, her kidō called up in bare whispers. He dodged a shakkahō fireball—a weak one, unusual for Nanao—and decided that their session wasn't going to be very productive today, so ending it early might be for the best.

Shunsui flashed behind her, but she'd anticipated that and threw up a kidō shield. He broke through it with three strikes and occupied her tantō with his wakizashi while his other sword came up to her neck. She conceded after a few moments—Nanao had too much pride to instantly accept a loss—and he pulled his swords away to sheathe them. Suddenly Nanao slid to her knees on the hard earth of the practice field. He reached for her, trying to scoop her up and carry her off the field.

"Please stop that, captain. I'm fine. I can walk on my own," she said, but the words were rough whispers of sound. He ignored her protests and wrapped his arm around her waist as they walked off the field. Since she tolerated the support without further complaint he knew that the sparring match had overtaxed her.

He dropped her lightly on his pink haori under the shade of a large tree and handed her a water container without further comment on her condition. Nanao did not like admitting to weaknesses, reasonable or otherwise. He sprawled out on the haori beside her. She fumbled with the water, finally bringing it up to her mouth for small sips. Her face was flushed red and sweat still ran down her skin. He sipped from his own water container and then held it over her head, pouring for a few seconds.

Her shriek of indignation made him smile, and he leaned back, sipping his water. She pulled off her glasses and hairpin and they fell on the haori unheeded. "Captain! That was very inappropriate behavior," she scolded, brushing at her soaked hair as it fell over her eyes.

"You looked hot, Nanao-chan." He smiled wider as she turned to face him, her eyes narrowed and very violet without her glasses. Anger was one of his favorite emotions on Nanao. It seemed to be the one she found easiest to express, and he'd cultivated a relationship with her that allowed her to express her anger with him as much as she liked without any real consequences. He hoped that eventually it would lead to her feeling comfortable expressing other emotions with him.

Anger was going well, though, he thought as her water container hit his chest squarely and snapped in half. Rivulets of icy water ran down his bare chest and into his pants, pooling in his lap. "You looked hot, captain," she said, frosty and triumphant. She was beautiful wrapped in her pride and anger.

"I like to hear you say that you think I'm hot, Nanao-chan." He let his voice dip into suggestive territory.

She didn't flush deeper, probably because her skin was already as red as it could get. "That's not what I meant."

"Yare, yare. Now my Nanao-chan doesn't have any water. Don't worry, though, I will share my water with sweet Nanao-chan." He wiggled the water in his hand, pleased when she snatched it away. She was thinking about throwing it at him, he could read it in her face; but it seemed she was too thirsty, because she drank from the container instead.

"Thank you," she said primly.

"Maybe we shouldn't have come out to spar today." He reclined further, leaning against the tree.

Nanao darted a glance at him. She was trying very hard not to look at his naked chest, and that made him grin. "We always train with swords on Friday. And it isn't as if in an actual combat situation we could stop and wait for nicer weather."

"It's true. Isn't that a shame?" They'd been privately training Nanao's sword skills for nearly ten years now, since the first time they'd sparred at an interdivisional training early in her vice captaincy. The training was at his insistence, and that it was always on a Friday was at Nanao's insistence—it was the one thing she was certain he would never blow off, so it was the way she made sure he was in the office on Friday for at least part of the day. It was a fair rebuke for his habit of making Fridays part of the weekend early, and he gave her credit for finding the right leverage to stop behaviors she didn't like.

She glanced down at the tantō in her sash. "It isn't as if I've made any notable progress, despite training with you every week. Perhaps your time could be better used teaching an advanced swords course for other division members."

"Don't say that. You've made good progress, Nanao-chan. You can reliably call your shikai now. That's important."

She looked up at him, her eyes sad under her disheveled hair. They were bluer now with the heat of her anger gone. "That could be described as progress, considering the circumstances when these sessions started. But the fact remains that my shikai is still all but useless. The mere ability to summon it is not so important in that light."

He sighed at her. "You have a challenging sword, Nanao-chan. That doesn't mean it won't someday be a very powerful one. If we didn't practice with it, if you tried to suppress it instead, things would be much, much worse. Believe me, Nanao-chan, it's better to have a sword that will play games than one that won't do anything at all."

She pushed back her hair with one hand. He noticed she hadn't tried to put it back up or dry it off; perhaps the wetness felt good against her hot neck. "I don't want to play games," she said, and he thought she sounded a little sulky, which was rather un-Nanao like.

"Oh?" He decided to try another angle. "Sometimes a weak shikai is a marker for a strong bankai. You could develop a powerful bankai very young and become the captain of your own division."

She looked at his face, her eyes wide with surprise and something else. She was _hurt_? That didn't make any sense. "I don't know if I would want something like that, captain."

He tilted his head, trying to figure out her reasoning. What had hurt her about his words? She handed him the water container; he accepted it, brushing his hand over her elegant fingers. He took a drink. The opening tasted like her lips would if he kissed her, and he savored that briefly. She wore a type of beeswax lip protection popular in parts of the Rukongai. It was flavored with different fruits, dependent on what was in season. The one she wore today was strawberry. He took another drink. The taste on the water container was strawberry mixed with something else, a flavor belonging only to Nanao.

He'd gone with her before to get the beeswax from the markets in Rukongai. Although Nanao was from the Rukongai, she'd been brought into Seireitei to go to the Academy so young that he didn't believe she really understood how dangerous the Rukongai could be. She went to the markets in the safer districts, but he still preferred to go with her when she was out there alone. Nanao tolerated this behavior from him, though she refused to let him buy her the things she shopped for as gifts. That would be too unprofessional, apparently.

She pulled a packet of papers out of her large book. This week it was _The Annotated Guide to Hadō 1-45_. He thought it was a shame that a girl as young as Nanao should always read such dry material, but maybe she kept the good stuff in her quarters. "I want to talk to you about the possibility of adding new training courses, captain."

"New training courses? In what?"

She handed him the packet of papers and he glanced at the top one. "Kidō? You want to teach additional kidō classes?"

Nanao frowned. "Although our division has a basic kidō training course, the material is not very useful and not taught in a way that shows practical applications in battle. I think if we split the basic courses into separate courses on hadō and bakudō and added an additional course on medical kidō triage skills, we could increase the capability of our division in battle and reduce casualties."

"That's a good idea, Nanao-chan, but it would take a lot of hours to develop new courses and train instructors, unless you intend to teach all the courses yourself, which would be far too large of a workload on you for me to permit."

Nanao shook her head. Her hands moved as she spoke; her enthusiasm for this subject was obvious. "You are correct that a significant time investment would be required, but I have already created training plans and schedules for the basic courses as well as an intermediate program and an advanced program for the most skilled kidō users in our division. Although I'd have to train some of our seated officers in my programs, once that training was complete the new courses could be integrated into our schedules easily."

"You've already made the programs up in your spare time? Nanao-chan, you're supposed to use your spare time for leisure, not for more work."

She waved that aside and flipped a few pages of the packet for him. "You can see the summaries for the new courses here. It is my intention to personally lead two intermediate courses and the advanced course. At first I'll also have to run one of the basic courses, but only until enough of the seated officers can be trained. But for this schedule to work, I need to drop one of the basic sword training classes you've ordered me to lead."

He studied her over the papers, turning them over until he came to the proposed schedule. She had dropped herself out of the basic sword course she led on Tuesdays. The sword courses were a sore point for her. Because her sword skill needed improvement, and the best way to improve was to work with the sword, he trained with Nanao personally once a week. He didn't make her attend any classes in sword skills, since advanced training intended for a katana would be of questionable value for someone with a tantō and her shikai wouldn't benefit from group exercises.

But he did insist that she lead two of the basic sword courses. He believed it would improve her leadership skills—which it had—and that working with her sword in an instructor's role would benefit her without hurting her pride the way failure in an advanced sword class would. Their personal practices were always private. Nanao tolerated him knocking her on her lovely ass ten or twenty times in a session, but only as long as no one was watching. He knew that she was very sensitive to comments about her worthiness as a vice captain.

"I've asked you to lead those sword courses for specific reasons, Nanao-chan."

"If you are interested in developing my leadership skills, I fail to see how adding a net of two courses to my instructing load could be detrimental. Actually, I will teach a higher caliber of skills that will require I command the absolute attention of my students. If your concern is that I spend time working with my sword, surely the one basic sword skills course I will retain and our time out here would suffice." She reached up to adjust her glasses before remembering she wasn't wearing them.

"Hmm. Those are good reasons. They even have the benefit of being true. But you don't want to drop your sword instruction for those reasons. You want to drop it because you hate it." He smiled at her as she faced him with an icy expression and violet eyes.

"Hating an aspect of my work would be unprofessional. The reasons I've given are accurate, sir." Frost dripped off each syllable.

He scanned the rest of the packet. Nanao's work was impeccable, as it most often was. Her revised kidō courses could be very good for the division. "Admit the truth about why you want to drop the sword class and I will approve your new courses as soon as we go back to the office."

She wrestled with that for a few moments, her desire for the new kidō courses versus the unprofessionalism of admitting to hating something about her work. "I hate teaching basic sword skills. Especially the Tuesday class. It's too early in the morning, so half of the members have hangovers or are still mostly asleep, and no one finds the subject matter compelling, since they've been doing the exercises since their first year in the Academy. Also, being a vice captain teaching two basic sword courses and no higher level sword courses suggests both that I am incompetent with a sword and that my time is so valueless that it can be spent on classes that could be taught by a Twentieth Seat. Unless you are punishing me for some unknown reason, I cannot imagine why it is necessary for me to continue both sword courses."

"There, don't you feel better now?"

She looked up at him balefully.

"Well, since you were so delightfully honest, I agree that you can drop the Tuesday sword course instruction onto one of the lower seats, and implement your new kidō courses as soon as you've trained enough instructors."

She smiled brightly, showing her small white teeth. "This is going to be excellent for our division, captain. With improved kidō skills, our troops will be more successful in battle, and with more of our members capable of using medical kidō for triage, we'll have better survival rates. Regular practice will make using kidō as comfortable for our troops as using their swords. Thank you for approving my idea." She spoke quickly and a rare enthusiasm lit her voice.

He was mesmerized by the sight of happiness on Nanao's face; it elevated her elegant beauty to a level that took his breath away. "Anything for my Nanao-chan," he said. Something about what she'd said struck him—she kept saying our troops, our members, our division. "Nanao-chan, when you said before that you didn't know if you wanted to be a captain, what did you mean? What do you want?"

The happiness on her face didn't fade completely, though her smile disappeared. "The Eighth is my home," she said quietly. She raised her eyes to his, and hers were full of vulnerability.

Shunsui stared into her violet eyes and found the potential for something he hadn't realized that he wanted before this moment. He could see it there in her eyes: the two of them walking together, eating together, working together and sleeping together. They would have one hundred years, two hundred years, a thousand years, but it would always be the two of them. Nanao would never leave the Eighth. Her ambitions were not centered on her own career advancement, but on the advancement of the members of the Eighth.

The picture of them in the future wrapped around a collection of things he'd held in his heart and mind about Nanao. He found her very attractive as a woman—her delicate beauty and innate elegance could not be matched by flashier females. She was sexy to him without ever trying to be, her prim appearance inviting him to dishevel it in the same way her cool voice invited him to warm her. Her personality was a good match for his, compatible in many important ways, but contrasting enough to add interest to their interactions.

She was highly intelligent, which was not something he'd always sought from his female companions if he was being honest, but something that would be important in a long relationship where he would have tens of thousands of conversations with his partner. Nanao invested pride in all her work, and into the members of the Eighth; she was incredibly loyal to the division and to him, something that had surprised and pleased him when she'd become his vice captain. She would never file formal complaints against their division members for minor things that they'd done wrong, both to avoid damaging notes in a shinigami's records and to avoid having punishments selected by the First Division according to regulations.

Property damages, tardiness, fighting and all other small offenses were handled directly by Nanao with his approval. He was pleased by this showing of her loyalty and mercy to their members, although no one who'd received one of Nanao's punishments would call her merciful—she would use offenders to clean the barracks to a spotless state and send them out to clip by hand the grass in the practice fields and an assortment of other similarly unpleasant but harmless tasks. Nanao always asserted that division punishment was a serious matter that should be handled with professionalism, but sometimes he would catch her hiding a smile during her reports.

Nanao had a fine sense of humor, even if she rarely let it show. He remembered with pleasure any instances of her laughter. Actually, he could remember distinctly each exchange with Nanao, their conversations, training sessions and shared meals. She made everything interesting by constantly seeking leverage to use on him in their working relationship. If they became romantically involved, he was sure she would continue to try and find new leverage to get him to work; but that could be a lot of fun, even more enjoyable than her current efforts.

He was certain she was aware that if she asked for a second private sword training session each week he would agree and that it would guarantee his presence in the office on another day, but then she would also have to endure a second training day for her sword, something she didn't seem willing to do. The best leverage asked a lot of Nanao, too.

He smiled. Nanao made his life so much more interesting than it'd been without her. She was the woman he wanted a future with beyond light fun and good times. The images and feelings coalesced into an undefined wave of warm emotions that washed over him, settling into his chest. He understood and accepted easily the new truth of his heart; he'd lived too long to lie to himself.

_I love you. You're the woman I want, the woman I need. I love you, Nanao._

But he did not say those words. She was young, too young. Her emotional range was not yet wide or open enough to simply accept what he wanted to give her. Nanao would not believe him, and if she did, she would be afraid of him, of what he wanted, afraid of losing her home and everything she treasured. He would not, could not do that to her. She wanted to be in the Eighth, wanted to be beside him, and for now that would have to be enough.

In the future, he could push her boundaries out slowly, accustom her to different emotions and extend the safety she felt in expressing her anger at him to other things. He would pursue her lightly, flirtatiously, so that she would know that he found her attractive, that he wanted her, but would not be frightened by his interest. It would also have the beneficial effect of scaring off potential suitors. He could mark her as his in front of other men without Nanao ever realizing he'd done so. She found him attractive; he'd noticed it several years ago, at that first interdivisional training, though he'd never mentioned it to her—she would be deeply mortified if she thought he knew.

But it was a foundation for him to start from. Eventually she would understand what he offered her; she was too intelligent and attuned to him to remain ignorant of the truth of his heart forever. Eventually a perfect opportunity would arise for him and he could move them into a new kind of relationship, one where he could tell her that he loved her and have his feelings accepted, perhaps even returned. He'd lived a very long time. He could be incredibly patient when the reward was worthwhile.

Nanao was worth the wait.

He smiled at her, letting her see the warmth and the love that she would not be able to identify in his eyes. "The Eighth will always be your home, Nanao."

He'd accidently hurt her before by suggesting that she'd have to leave the Eighth and become a captain eventually. But now the vulnerability disappeared from her eyes, leaving only happiness. Her smile returned, her white teeth shining in the afternoon's light. They spent another hour outside. They talked about the kidō courses, they talked about their troops, and they talked of nothing at all. It was enough to be together.


	22. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

The sun fell in sharp squares through the windows of the Tenth. Shunsui covered Nanao's delicate hands with his large ones. "Nanao-chan," he said. His voice was gentle, but she still winced, and it hurt him to see that. "Did you sleep last night? Your nightmares—"

"You look like you stayed up all night drinking on your porch." She glanced away from his face.

"It seems we could both use a nap. Let's go home, Nanao-chan."

She swallowed. "What—did you decide what you're going to do?" Her eyes darted back to his face, then away again.

"I'm not going to pursue the complaint, not now. But after the confidentiality is lifted, I'm going to pursue it in whatever way I think is best. I'm going to protect you then, Nanao-chan. Are you going to fight me when I do?" He cupped her face in his hand.

She breathed a shivering sigh. "No." She looked at him, and he could see the vulnerability leaving her eyes, chased out by relief. "I won't fight you. I'll tell you everything then, if you still want to hear it. And I'm sorry that I slapped you like that."

"I'm glad, Nanao-chan. For both things." He kissed her lips, a soft touch.

"If you try to trick me again, I'll make sure you have to supervise personally all the ranked personnel reviews this year." Her voice was sharp, but her eyes were still soft.

"I won't. And personnel reviews? That's really mean, Nanao-chan."

"Don't imagine you can get around me just because we're involved."

He smiled slightly. "I would never think something like that. Let's go home, Nanao-chan." He leaned his forehead lightly against hers.

"Thank you, Shu—captain, for respecting the confidentiality."

"I respect you, Nanao-chan; I don't give a damn about the confidentiality. Hmm. You were very close to saying my name just then, weren't you, lovely Nanao-chan? Would it help if I coached you? Shunsui. Shunsui. Shu—"

Nanao's hand came up to cover his mouth. "Stop that."

He began to nibble at her fingers, teasing her hand until she pulled it away. "Sweet, sweet Nanao-chan, say my name. Shunsui. Shhhhuuuuunnnssssuuuiiiii."

She shook her head, a small smile gracing her lips. "You're ridiculous. Stop making that noise."

But she'd encouraged him with her smile, and he escalated his attack, adding his kissy face to the drawn-out calls of his name.

"I'm not going to say it. Your efforts are wasted." There was a little color in her cheeks now and her normal crispness had returned.

He grinned and brought his face close to hers, still sing-songing his name.

She silenced him by pressing her lips to his in a kiss. Her tongue slipped into his mouth, hesitantly at first, but she grew bolder as he responded. She wrestled with him for control of the kiss, for dominance, and he reveled in the pleasure of the duel. Nanao was assertive with him in other areas of their relationship and he enjoyed the games they played. If she would play with him in bed the way she was playing with their kiss, he would be a very happy man. It might take some time, but Shunsui could be patient.

They separated for air, and he saw the pink blush lighting Nanao's cheeks. "I think this is the first time that face has gotten me a kiss from you."

"It seemed like an efficient way to quiet you." Nanao's lips pressed together and she nodded once. The professional effect was somewhat marred by the way her swollen pink lips glistened and the sexy low tone of her voice.

"I am a great fan of efficiency," he said, and kissed her.

"You've never cared about efficiency before." She was a little breathless.

"I am a great fan of anything that gets me kisses from you." He couldn't resist trailing a line of kisses down the elegant column of her neck. If he thought she would let him get away with it, he would spend hours covering each inch of her pale skin with kisses and love bites. He ran a hand down her shoulder, the outer curve of her breast, the dip of her waist.

She stilled his hand with one of hers. "We're in the office."

"But Nanao-chan, this isn't even our office. And it's Saturday."

"All offices are the office." She smoothed her hair with one hand.

"Your dedication to professionalism is remarkable, Nanao-chan. But how did you develop something like that in our division, I wonder?" He leaned away from her skin to see her face. Her eyes were violet and her tongue darted out to wet her lips. She looked tempting and delicious, so he kissed her mouth again.

"Stop that. This is inappropriate behavior for the office," she said, but the sternness of the words was ruined by the small kisses he draped across her lips and jaw.

"You're right, Nanao-chan, we should go home." Shunsui rose from his knees and lifted her from her chair with both of his hands around her waist.

"Wait. I need to write a note for Captain Hitsugaya. Do you know he's been filling out forms related to the division laundry? That is very clearly the duty of the Fourth Division's Nineteenth Seats. Those officers are shirking their work, intentionally or not."

"Oh? You don't do those forms?"

She turned back to the desk, scrawling out a brief note. "I do all of the work necessary to our division. I do not do any paperwork that falls outside of the responsibilities of our division. If I did that, I'd never have any time left for my kidō instruction or anything else."

"You're a marvel, Nanao-chan. Poor Toshirō-kun. You should give lessons on this." He wrapped his arms around her and enjoyed the press of her back to his chest.

"What, on paperwork? Regulations? As if anyone would attend a lecture like that, even though it would be quite useful." She finished her note and moved out of his arms to walk out of the office. He caught her easily and pressed a hand to her lower back as they walked. To his surprise she allowed the contact, even when they passed some members of the Tenth Division in the courtyard.

"I would go to any lectures by my darling Nanao-chan." He grinned down at her. They were in the street now, but it was almost deserted.

She paused in her walking, looking up at him. "I—" She stopped speaking. He could see she wasn't sure if burying the fight they'd had about the complaint was what she wanted, but she didn't really seem able to talk about it any further.

"I know, Nanao-chan. We'll manage somehow." He smiled. "Let's go home."

*****************************

Nanao woke warm and rested. The light coming in the window suggested late afternoon, which confused her until she remembered she'd come home with Shunsui and taken a nap. He had her napping in the middle of the day now, which made her smile and shake her head at the same time. It was harder and harder to keep any part of her heart away from him.

Her barriers had fallen so far that she'd nearly used his name without thinking in the Tenth's office. He'd brought her dreams so close to the surface in the last few days that they were nearly spilling from her lips. If she said his name, she didn't think she could hold anything else back from him. She felt overfilled with emotions and needs. Nanao did not know what to do with those things; but she was sure Shunsui would know and that he could understand her emotions and fulfill her needs. If she said his name, she wouldn't be able to keep any distance between them at all, and she wasn't ready for that yet. Distance was safer; distance was smarter.

But what distance was between them now, when she slept half on his body, her head on his chest and one of her hands tucked inside his shirt? She sat up. His arm wrapped around her waist, his other hand stroking the back of her neck.

"Precious Nanao-chan, how are you feeling?"

She glanced at him. "I'm hungry."

He sat up behind her, leaning his chest against her back lightly. "That won't do. Do you feel like going out or staying in?"

The undertone in his voice made her shiver a little. Distance. "Let's go out."

"I'd be honored to go to dinner with my Nanao-chan." He rose to his feet and helped her up. "Shall we go?"

"Wait, captain. I need to freshen up. My uniform is wrinkled." Nanao headed out of his bedroom and went to her guest room.

"My uniform is wrinkled too, Nanao-chan! We match. You don't need to change," he called from the main room.

Nanao sorted through the selection of clothes she had. Distance, she thought again, but her hands picked up a garment of their own accord.

When she came out Shunsui was lounging on the floor. He hadn't bothered to change, even though he'd slept in his clothes, as she had. Then again, his uniform was so haphazardly put together on a daily basis it wasn't likely anyone would notice that he was extra rumpled today. He sat up when he saw her, but didn't say anything.

"What? Is this an improper manner of dress for the restaurant? I thought this was an appropriate choice for a date." Nanao glanced down at her dress. She'd bought it on one of her shopping expeditions with Rangiku, but hadn't had an occasion to wear it yet. She wasn't sure why she'd brought it to Shunsui's house, except that she'd thought of him when she chose the dress. It was a deep purple dress, a simple A-line that fell to her knees. Uncertainty and irritation edged into her voice. "Should I change into something else?" One of her feet tapped a quick rhythm against the floor.

He pulled himself off the floor and stalked towards her. "No, this is lovely. I didn't know you had something like this with you, Nanao-chan. You look beautiful." He smiled and pulled her close with an arm around her waist. "I'm going on a date with my sexy Nanao-chan," he murmured next to her ear.

"Discretion. Remember discretion?" Nanao gave him a stern look that made him grin wider.

They walked to the restaurant side by side. It was a warm afternoon, quite contrary to the season. Shunsui couldn't stop looking at her, which was both pleasing and unnerving. He kept glancing at her feet, which were clad in black shoes with purple ribbons wrapped around her ankle and tied in a bow over her heel. She stopped in the street after the fourth time she caught him staring at her shoes. "Is there something wrong with my feet, captain?"

"Wrong? No. Intriguing, yes. It's the ribbons."

"The ribbons?" She twisted her head to look at the back of her ankles. "The ribbons are still tied. What is concerning you about the ribbons?"

"It's just a bit more whimsical than I would have expected." He smiled at her.

"They are not whimsical. They provide additional security for keeping the shoe on," she said, but she'd bought them because she liked the way the ribbons looked.

"Of course they do." His eyes were amused.

She sighed and started walking again. "The SWA has voted to promote the use of Living World styles in Seireitei."

"That organization votes on the most interesting things, Nanao-chan."

"The SWA exists to promote the causes of female shinigami and to improve conditions for all women in Soul Society."

"I fully support anything that leads to Nanao-chan in that lovely dress." His hand slid down her back, leaving a line of heat on her skin.

She fought back a blush. "The resolution we voted on was Rangiku-san's suggestion."

"I'll have to thank her when I see her." His fingers drew lazy patterns on her lower back where his palm rested.

Nanao rolled her eyes a little. "That's totally unnecessary."

At the restaurant there were only a few people eating; it was still a bit early for dinner. Shunsui secured them a private room and ordered a wide assortment of dishes for them to share.

"There's no way we can eat all of that," she protested.

"But this way you can enjoy a taste of everything," he said, and she just shook her head.

They ate slowly, savoring the food and each other's company. Shunsui tried to feed her choice tidbits, which she refused at first. Eventually his persistence and charm won out and she accepted his offerings, her lips opening for the bites of food. Perhaps she shouldn't have indulged him, but they were alone and it was a date, and she liked to see his eyes spark with pleasure whenever she said "Yes."

She wondered what his eyes would look like if she said yes to indulging him in other ways. Goosebumps rose on her flesh, though she felt very warm. Distance, scolded a tiny voice in her head, but she ignored it.

After dinner they walked back through the restaurant, now crowded mostly with shinigami. Shunsui was greeted frequently as they left; he seemed to know everyone, and everyone wanted him to join them for a drink. He refused the offers with warmth that left no one feeling slighted. Nanao marveled at how different they were, not for the first time. His gregarious nature was in direct contrast to her serious and cool manner.

When they finally reached the street Nanao was relieved to be out of the loud and bright restaurant. She'd been the subject of many curious looks; although she and Shunsui were often together, she was rarely out of uniform at those times. "You could have stayed if you wanted," she said. She felt a little guilty for keeping him from his many friends and acquaintances.

"During my date with my lovely Nanao-chan? Why would I want to do that?" He grinned at her. It was at least the tenth time he'd mentioned that they were on a date, and his satisfaction with that was all but radiating from his body.

She shook her head. They strolled down the street in the faint light of evening. His hand brushed against hers and she touched his palm with her fingers, wrapping her hand slightly around his before pulling back. He made a pleased sound and clasped his hand around hers. They walked down the quiet street, exchanging nods with people that they knew.

"Beautiful Nanao-chan, do you want to get a drink or perhaps something sweet?" he asked, watching her face as they moved.

Nanao breathed in the crisp air, felt the heat of his hand on hers, and knew what she would do, even as that small voice scolded her in the back of her mind. She raised her eyes to meet his gaze. "No. I want to go home early," she said, deliberately echoing one of their earlier conversations. She left off the 'and play in bed' part, but from the way his eyes changed he clearly grasped her meaning.

He stopped their forward motion and cupped her face with his free hand. "Anything for my Nanao-chan." He lowered his arm to hold her waist an instant before he stepped into a rapid shunpo.

*******************************

At his house she stepped away from him, trying to catch her breath. She bent to untie her shoes, but he knelt in front of her, grasping her right ankle in his hand. "What—" she started, but stopped when he ran one large hand down her calf.

"Let me," he said, and his voice was that dark tone that stirred her nerves to life.

He stroked her calf, eventually untying the ribbon on her shoe and sliding it off her foot. Nanao made a sound of pleasure when he massaged her arch and drew in a sharp breath when he kissed the top of her foot. His lips ran up the curves of her leg to the inside of her knee where he gave her skin a playful lick. Nanao leaned against the wall, watching him with narrowed eyes.

He repeated his attentions on her left leg, but kissed his way higher up her body, shifting her dress to expose a few inches of her thigh. She gasped when he licked a sensitive spot on the inside of her thigh. "What do you want, Nanao-chan?" His whiskers brushed against her skin as he spoke. She shivered.

"I want to take a bath," she said. Her heart was fluttering wildly and it was hard for her to stay in place.

He pulled back to see her face and nodded. "And then?"

She raised her eyes to his. "Yes." She didn't give an explanation but he didn't need one. That desire that had frightened her on previous occasions darkened his eyes, but she felt a rising excitement climbing with the fear.

He rose and pressed silky lips to her cheek. "Take your bath, Nanao-chan. I'll be waiting."

In the bathroom Nanao took her time, washing thoroughly with the lemon-perfumed soaps Shunsui had given her. She reveled in their scent and texture as she lavished attention on her hair and body. Sitting in the bath relaxed her. She ought to worry about a thousand things—about what she did know, what she didn't know, what they would do—but she felt calm.

Her decision was made, and for better or worse, she would go forward with Shunsui. She shivered a little, some of the excitement and fear returning to her. After the bath, she prevaricated over what to wear—she'd brought a sleeping robe and undergarments into the bathroom, but in the end she put on only the robe. He wanted to see her naked, and since she wanted the same thing, she saw the extra clothes as unnecessary. But it seemed like too much for her to walk out of the bathroom without anything on, so she wore the white robe.

When Nanao stepped out of the bathroom it was to the flickering light of candles. Shunsui sat on his heels on the bed, watching her. She sat down on her heels across from him, their knees nearly touching.

"You're so beautiful," he said, and brushed a hand down her cheek.

Nanao shook her head at him.

"It's true. You're beautiful." He took one of her hands between his. "I want you to know that that there hasn't been another woman in years. I've been waiting for you, Nanao."

Nanao looked down at their joined hands. Was it true? His face and voice were sincere. She tried not to follow his nocturnal activities since it was painful for her. When was the last time she'd heard about him and a woman? Some falsely concerned shinigami were always telling her rumors about him, hoping to get firsthand gossip on Nanao's reaction to his personal life.

"Years?" she asked, and cursed the hopeful rise in her voice.

"Four years. Not since that particular anniversary. You remember. I swear it, Nanao."

She believed him. Perhaps she was a fool, but she looked at his eyes and saw a hope there that mirrored her own. She looked away from him, blinking her eyes a few times. He'd waited for her. A sudden thought struck her and she laughed a little.

"What is it?" His eyes turned from hope to worry.

"I've waited longer, so much longer," she said. A small smile curved her lips.

"You've waited for me?" He sounded surprised.

She shook her head. "You have no idea."

"Tell me, please."


	23. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

“Do you remember the interdivisional training with the Eleventh?  The year that we sparred together?”  The memory was one of Nanao’s most important, and it was as fresh to her as it had been the day it happened.  
   
 _Two Years After Nanao Became Vice Captain_             
   
The interdivisional training was a living nightmare for Nanao.  By the third day of the week-long training, her stomach cramped at the thought of entering the practice field for sword sparring matches.  Although she was the vice captain of the Eighth, she’d held that position for a scant two years, and her sword, a tantō, was poorly suited to battle, even against other sealed zanpakutō.  
   
She’d left the practice field after a humiliating loss to the Seventh Seat of the Eleventh Division, and now sat up in the high branches of a tree overlooking the training.  She wasn’t hiding exactly; she just didn’t want to be found.  
   
Below her three shinigami from the Eleventh Division strolled towards their barracks, laughing and talking.  She could only see one of them through the leaves of her tree, but she could hear them all.  “Did you see how easily our Seventh Seat took her down?  Is that really the power of a vice captain?”  It was a fat man with a large mustache who asked.  
   
“You know captains can choose their own vice captains.  Maybe he picked her for some other reason.”  She couldn’t see the speaker, could only hear their reedy voice.  
   
“Well, she can’t use that tiny sword worth a damn.”  This voice was raspy and low.  
   
“She’s not that cute and she seems really cold.  Didn’t even laugh when Higurashi told that joke about the whale and the princess.”  The fat man offered this opinion with a wave of his arm that sent ripples through his body.  
   
“Captain Kyōraku must keep her around for some reason.  Maybe she’s really wild in bed,” said the raspy voice.  
   
“Why would he go to bed with someone that cold?  He’d get frostbite on his balls.  Anyway, a captain could get better women than that for sure.”  
   
Nanao drew in her reiatsu as tightly as she could when the group of shinigami passed directly under her tree, trying to make herself invisible.  
   
“He probably gets bored in the office.  Maybe she’s really good on her knees,” the reedy voice said, ending in a laugh.  
   
The others laughed with him.  Nanao held her breath until they were halfway to their barracks.  She felt a prickling in the back of her eyes but ignored it.  She wasn’t going to cry.  That would give those fools from the Eleventh too much power over her.  
   
And it wasn’t as if this was the first time she’d heard whispers along similar lines.  She’d heard numerous variations on the theme:  
   
“Captain Kyōraku likes dark-haired girls with glasses.  One of his other vice captains was almost exactly like her.  That girl’s just a cheap replacement.”  
   
“She doesn’t care about anything but work.  I can’t imagine why he keeps her around.  I’ve never met anyone so dull before.”  
   
“There’s no way she deserved to be a vice captain before me.  She must be sleeping with Captain Kyōraku.  It’s so twisted though, because she’s been in that division since she was a kid.  I heard he had her trained by that vice captain who disappeared, so that she’d grow up to be exactly what he likes.”  
   
Nanao had heard many different takes on the relationship between her and her captain, but they all drew the same conclusion: she didn’t earn or deserve her current rank as vice captain.  She felt sick sometimes when she inadvertently heard new gossip about herself.  The things people said about her and about her captain could be disturbing, especially when they implied strange things about her childhood.  Nanao didn’t really know what constituted a “normal” childhood in Soul Society—half of the people she knew had grown up orphaned waifs on the streets of Rukongai—but her life in the Eighth Division hadn’t been bad, and it definitely hadn’t been anything like what people imagined in their gossip.  
   
She’d hoped it would be easier for her to gain the respect of her peers when she looked older, but so far she’d been deeply disappointed.  Her sexual skills and prowess were the talk of Seireitei, and she’d never even been kissed.  In the Eighth Division she was safe from gossip about sex with her captain and from commentary about her inadequacies as a vice captain, but this interdivisional training week was a rude awakening.  
   
She’d heard more cruel remarks about herself in three days than she had in her past two years as vice captain.  Sometimes she wondered if any of this talk ever reached the ears of Captain Kyōraku, but she doubted it.  People were a lot more careful of what they said around a captain than they would be around her.  She wasn’t nearly as noticeable as he was.  
   
A blur of pink surprised her as her captain appeared in her vision under her tree and flashed up it to sit on a branch across from her.  “Nanao-chan!  Here you are.”  He grinned widely at her, tipping back his straw hat.  
   
“Did you need something, captain?”  Nanao wondered if he’d heard the men from the Eleventh Division talking about her.  She didn’t think he had; his expression was warm and cheerful.  
   
“I was concerned about you.  You took a hit to the head in your match and then you disappeared.”  
   
Nanao fought down a flush.  She’d been pathetic in that fight; completely outmatched in swordsmanship and hand-to-hand combat.  The Eleventh Division didn’t use kidō ordinarily, and since these sessions were intended to focus on the sword, no kidō was permitted during the training.  Since Nanao’s only decent combat skill was her kidō, she was at a significant disadvantage in all her sparring matches.  In the previous match she’d barely lasted two minutes against a much lower-ranking officer of the Eleventh.  “I’m fine, sir.  Your concern is unnecessary.”  
   
“Is it?  Tell me, Nanao-chan, are you enjoying the interdivisional training?”  He leaned one shoulder against the tree truck.  
   
Nanao thought of the lost matches, the overheard gossip, the stares and the snickers.  “It’s been educational,” she said.  
   
He watched her closely with his cheerful eyes.  She’d realized early in her tenure as his vice captain that he was much more perceptive than he let on, so she’d learned to keep her face in a frosty mask as much as possible.  “That’s nice, Nanao-chan.  Learning is always a good idea.  That’s why you and I are going to have a sparring match.”  
   
“Are you serious?  What could possibly be the point?  My sword can’t stand against yours, captain.”  
   
“It’s just an exhibition, Nanao-chan.  It’ll be fun.”  He jumped out of the tree and gestured for her to follow.  “Come on.”  
   
“Now?  You want to do this now?”  Nanao landed gracefully next to him on the ground.  
   
“Now is an excellent time to do this.  Everyone is back from lunch, so they can all see our match.”  He walked towards the practice field, Nanao taking three steps to his one to keep up.  
   
“Sir, this is not a good idea.  I can’t possibly win against you in a fight.”  Nanao was feeling more and more desperate as they approached the field.  Gathered shinigami of the Eighth and the Eleventh noticed her captain and turned to watch them approach.  
   
“This is an excellent idea.  I don’t know why I haven’t sparred with you before.  It’s very neglectful of me.  You can use any technique you like, Nanao-chan, including kidō.”  He smiled at her.  
   
“Sir, I can’t—”  
   
“Of course you can.”  
   
They were at the practice field now, and Nanao followed him to the center like a prisoner bound for execution.  “If you want me to resign as your vice captain, you should just say so, sir.  A complete humiliation is really unnecessary.”  
   
“I don’t want you to resign.  I want you to spar with me.  That’s not so much to ask, is it?”  He stopped walking, having reached the area designated for matches.  
   
Nanao’s palms were sweaty and her body cold.  “As you like, sir,” she said, resigned.  Soon he would destroy her on the field, maybe put her in the Fourth, and she’d hear newer, uglier gossip about herself because of his sudden whim.  
   
He raised his voice so he could be heard by everyone.  “My vice captain has graciously agreed to a sparring match with me.  There are no limits to techniques or kidō that can be used.”  Amid the cheers from the troops of the Eighth, who rarely got to see their captain or vice captain fight, he leaned in close to Nanao.  “Come at me as if you want to kill me, Nanao-chan,” he murmured, his voice low and his eyes intense.  
   
Her eyes narrowed.  At the moment, it was not hard to pull up some serious intent to harm him; this match was going to make her life even more difficult afterwards.  She slipped her tantō out of her sleeve and tucked it into her sash.  
   
“That’s good, Nanao-chan,” he said, and moved back several steps.  They bowed, and the match began.  
   
He drew the longer sword in his daishō pair and came at her directly.  Nanao drew her tantō, but hit him with a quickly murmured “Hadō number 1: Shō!”  
   
The spell pushed him back, but barely.  He sprung forward over the short distance between them and she blocked his sword with her tantō, gritting her teeth at the force of his strike.  Her sword would not survive many hits like this.  
   
“Hadō number 4: Byakurai!”  Captain Kyōraku jumped away to avoid the path of her lightning.  Still, this was not working well.  She needed a strategy.  “Bakudō number 4: Hainawa!”  The rope of yellow energy wrapped around his arm and body.  
   
He broke it easily and swung at her from the left.  She thought quickly and dropped a seki bakudō onto her tantō, hoping to keep it from snapping under the pressure of his sword.  The small repulse spell reduced some of the force of his strikes as he came at her continually from different angles.  She was already sweating and panting and he wasn’t even trying very hard, which was both obvious and galling.  She needed a better plan.  
   
“Hadō number 11: Tsuzuri Raiden!”  The flash of lightning ran into her tantō and up into his sword, giving him a sharp jolt.  He grinned at her and flashed away.  She snapped a few fast shakkahō fires in his general direction and then dropped a smoke bomb kidō at her feet.  A thick cloud of red smoke disguised the practice field.  She knew that he could still sense her presence but the intent was not to hide her location, only her actions.  
   
Nanao had read about techniques like this, but she hadn’t tried it in battle before.  She cast the unfamiliar fushibi spell, combining it with a shakkahō, and threw it behind her at him with as much force in the kidō as she could muster.  
   
Captain Kyōraku’s face registered surprise—the fushibi spell hid the shakkahō until it was already too close for him to dodge.  Nanao was under no illusion that he could be felled by a hadō in the thirties, so she leaped away from his position.  “Hadō number 58: Tenran!”  The wind blasted out from her tantō and blew the concealing smoke away.  The spell roared like a tornado as it crossed the field.  
   
Nanao felt a small thrill of triumph when she saw her captain.  He was undamaged by the shakkahō, but his pink haori had fallen victim to the fire and was now half eaten by flames and caught in the blasting wind of the tenran spell.  It flapped across the practice field until the tenran blew out and the haori fell to the ground, burning to ashes.  Captain Kyōraku grinned again.  “Very good, Nanao-chan,” he said, and drew his wakizashi with a flourish.  
   
He struck faster, more engaged in the fight than before.  Nanao blocked his speedy wakizashi with her tantō braced by a seki kidō, but for his katana she called up a paltry enkosen.  The shield of reiatsu took one hit and cracked, breaking on the second.  
   
She’d anticipated that and shouted, “Bakudō number 62: Hyapporankan!”  She threw the first rod at him and it broke into a hundred short ones, all of which he dodged.  Still, he was at distance so she shot several sōkatsui at him, hoping to have more luck with the wider range of the blue fire than she’d had with the red fire of shakkahō.  
   
He avoided them all, slipping into shunpo when his regular speed wasn’t enough.  Sweat rolled down Nanao’s neck.  She was burning her energy at an alarming pace.  Soon she wouldn’t be able to pull together a good kidō without doing an incantation, and at that point, she’d be completely defeated.  Captain Kyōraku was simply too fast to match if she had to chant out each spell.  
   
“Bakudō number 61: Rikujōkōrō!”  The six rods of yellow light caught him, incapacitating him, but they were already cracking under the force of his spiritual pressure.  “Hadō number 33: Sōkatsui!”  He broke free of the rods before the blue fire could hit him.  
   
“Bakudō number 63: Sajo Sabaku!”  Thick chains of yellow light snapped around him, stopping him only a hairsbreadth from her.  She jumped back, chanting the incantation for sōren sōkatsui.  Even as she said the words for that hadō she pulled up lightning in her mind, preparing a raikōhō.  Holding two kidōs at the same time was a skill she’d long developed, but usually she kept to low-level spells like the seki, not two powerful destructive spells.  It took a level of concentration that drained her power even faster.  
   
“Hadō number 73: Sōren Sōkatsui!”  She released the two balls of blue fire as Captain Kyōraku broke free of the chains.  He dodged both fires, but she’d expected that.  
   
“Hadō number 63: Raikōhō!”  The blast of lightning from above was a surprise to him.  Nanao hadn’t just prepared the spell, she’d altered the starting position from her hand to above the spot she’d expected him to move to dodge the fireballs.  The lightning struck him in the shoulder; it was aimed for his head, but he was still too fast to hit directly.  
   
He flashed behind her, blocking her tantō with his wakizashi and pulling his katana up to her throat, though a few inches safely away from her skin.  “It’s over, clever Nanao-chan,” he murmured near her ear.  
   
Nanao didn’t answer, couldn’t—she was panting and trembling, pushed to the outer limit of her ability.  He sheathed his swords one at a time but he continued to stand behind her, letting her lean on him.  Nanao was grateful for that.  She wasn’t sure that she could stand on her own and she didn’t need the added humiliation of falling to her knees on the battlefield.  
   
A cheer went up from the collective members of Eighth Division.  Nanao spotted the Seventh Seat of Eleventh who’d easily beaten her earlier staring at her, dumbfounded.  Several members of the Eleventh had the same expression.  “What’s wrong with them?”  She’d expected some jeering from the onlookers, but there was just that dumb look.  No one was even laughing behind their hands.  
   
“I think they’re impressed that you made a captain bleed,” he said.  
   
Nanao jumped, startled.  She turned to examine his shoulder.  He was bleeding but she couldn’t determine how serious it was with his captain’s haori and black uniform obscuring the wound.  “Maybe you should go to the Fourth.”  
   
“For something like this?  No thanks.”  
   
“Then you’re going to have to let me look at it, sir.”  Nanao marched off the practice field.  Captain Kyōraku followed very closely.  She knew it was because he was concerned she might fall, not because he desired medical attention.  She was glad for his closeness and gladder still that he didn’t mention her weakness.  
   
Members of the Eighth surrounded them, clamoring for attention.  Nanao was shocked to hear their comments.  
   
“That’s our vice captain!  She’s the best kidō user in the Gotei 13!”  
   
“She didn’t even use shikai for that!”  
   
“This is the strength of the Eighth Division!”  
   
The words were so different from the ones she’d been hearing for the last few days she felt confused by the sudden change.  She shook her head and grabbed one of the Eleventh’s officers, asking where they kept first aid supplies.  He told her in a shout, the crowd around them all talking at once in a confusing jumble.  
   
Nanao was pushed back against her captain and he took hold of her wrist.  “So much energy.”  He grinned, waving at the crowd.  He raised his voice, and said, “That was fun, wasn’t it?  Still, everyone should have a chance to have a match, so let’s return to the scheduled events.”  He grinned as the crowd dispersed around them.  
   
“Come on, captain.”  Nanao walked towards the Eleventh’s barracks, letting him hold her wrist.  She figured the contact was worth getting him to the first aid area without a fight or a lot of whining.  
   
Inside of the Eleventh it was completely silent.  Being a division best known for fighting and always led by a Kenpachi, absolutely everyone was outside at the sword sparring matches. Nanao pushed open a door to an office space converted to a first aid station.  “Sit, please.”  
   
Captain Kyōraku obligingly dropped to the floor.  “That was good, Nanao-chan, especially that bit with the secret shakkahō and then the unexpected raikōhō.”  He grinned.  “You surprised me,” he said, gesturing to his shoulder.  
   
Nanao frowned at him.  She pushed the clothes on the upper part of his body off of his shoulders and he shrugged out of them.  The wound on his shoulder was a jagged slice with charred edges.  It bled sluggishly and it was much closer to his neck than she’d expected.  A suspicion struck her and she narrowed her eyes at his face.  “Did you get hit on purpose?”  
   
“What?  Why would I do that, Nanao-chan?”  He endeavored to look innocent, which he wasn’t capable of even when he was actually innocent.  
   
“You felt sorry for me,” she spit the words out, cheeks flushing a high pink in her anger.  
   
“Yare, yare, Nanao-chan.  Even if you were right, which you’re not, and I was willing to sacrifice my body for you, I wouldn’t have let you hit my hat.”  He smiled at her.  
   
She plucked the straw hat off his head and examined it.  There was a thin slice missing where her lightning had penetrated it.  
   
“You killed my haori and wounded my hat, Nanao-chan.  Those are serious accomplishments.”  
   
She rolled the hat over in her hands before snapping it into two pieces along the line of the missing slice.  
   
And now you’ve killed my hat.  That’s mean, Nanao-chan,” he said, but sounded amused rather than angry.  
   
She knelt beside him and lit one of her hands with healing kidō, pressing it to his wound.  “Why did you want to spar with me?”  
   
He didn’t answer for a long moment, studying her face.  “Interdivisional training tends to be very lopsided.  Certain skills get highlighted while others get ignored.  I thought it would be good to remind our troops, and the Eleventh Division, that swinging a sword isn’t the only path to victory.”  
   
“I’ve lost all of my matches.”  Her voice was even but she watched his face out of the corner of her eye.  Had he been ashamed of her failures?  
   
“So you have.  But if these matches allowed kidō, you could have put your opponents into the hospital if you wanted.  That last sōren sōkatsui was strong enough to vaporize a weak shinigami.  That’s assuming they survived a disguised shakkahō, which isn’t likely.”  
   
Nanao’s cheeks went pink at his evaluation.  “Kidō is my only decent combat skill.  I have to be good at it, because my sword gives me nothing.”  
   
“Why didn’t you use your shikai?” he asked.  His tone was only curious, but she flushed further, because the topic was embarrassing for her.  
   
“I can’t.”  
   
“You can’t?  I know you have shikai.  You demonstrated it in the vice captain’s exam.”  
   
“My sword can be…difficult.  She has refused to participate in these exercises.”  
   
“Refused?”  Now he sounded amused.  
   
Nanao’s brows drew together.  “She’s temperamental.”  
   
“We’ll have to spend some time working on it.  It’s important that you be able to do shikai whenever you want, at the least.”  
   
“Why?  It isn’t as if I can do much with my sword, even in shikai, captain.”  Nanao sighed.  
   
“It’s a skill every shinigami with a shikai should have.  And you may yet develop more sword-based powers.”  When she didn’t speak, he added, “Believe me, Nanao-chan, I know how you feel.  I have a difficult sword myself.  But it isn’t something you can ignore.  We have to work on it.”  
   
She nodded.  They sat in silence as she healed his shoulder.  After the kidō light faded, she began to bandage the wound.  Her fingertips trailed lightly over his skin with the bandage following behind.  She felt a tingling in her nerves and an awareness of the way his heavy muscles tensed under her hands.  The hair on his body interested her, as it made his skin feel so different from hers.  
   
She tied off the bandage, but left her hands on his skin.  There were strange feelings collecting in her stomach, nervousness and something else, something hot and achy.  Her cheeks pinked again, though she didn’t know why, and she licked her lips.  Her captain’s eyes focused intently on her face.  
   
She raised her eyes to meet his, feeling compelled and confused.  
   
“Lovely, lovely Nanao-chan,” he said, and his voice was deep and smooth, full of mysteries beyond her reach.  
   
She pushed herself away from him, afraid of the new tension between them, and the needs she could not name.  At the door she paused, staring at him.  Without his haori and hat to soften him, he seemed darker, more dangerous.  His bare upper body was banded with muscle and covered with golden skin and brown hair that enhanced his masculinity.  
   
His heavy-lidded eyes were dark and inviting.  He watched her stare at him with a smile, his teeth very white against his skin.  She wanted to touch him, to brush her hand over the planes of his face and the hair on his jaw.  He wasn’t as handsome as some men in Soul Society, but he was more attractive to Nanao than any other man she’d seen.  She flushed a deeper pink when she realized that the reactions of her body were signs of sexual attraction.  
   
She wanted to flee, but there was something she needed to say first.  After all, he’d salvaged her pride with the exhibition match, and even been injured to do so.  She felt warmth in her chest—different from the heat in her belly—when she thought of what he’d done.  Whether or not he’d heard the things that people said about her, he’d known what she felt and given her what she needed, even against her protests.  
   
“Thank you,” she said.  She smiled at him, cheeks pink, eyes glowing violet, genuinely happy and willing to show it to him.  His eyes widened in surprise and then filled with pleasure.  
   
“Anything for my Nanao-chan.”  It was the first time he said those words, to be repeated a thousand times over the years.  
   
For the first time she saw him as a man and not only as her captain.  
   
In the years after, they would repeat different parts of this scene, moving towards each other at a pace so slow it looked like standing still, but each time he moved deeper into Nanao’s heart and pushing herself away from him became more and more difficult.  
   
She did not fall in love with him that day, or any other day she could name.  Instead it came to her through a process so gradual that she could not perceive the moment it became love.  What she did know was that it started the day he’d protected her pride at the cost of his blood and bone.  It was the first time she held his name back from her lips, the first day that she felt his magnetism as a man.  And he wasn’t just a man, but the man she wanted, the only man who entered into Nanao’s secret and cherished dreams.  
   
If she was colder to him after that, if she worked harder to stay professional, it was because of his secret place in her heart.  Nanao Ise had never been loved by anyone.  She had never loved anyone before.  She did not know how to give love, or to accept it, and her fear of ruining what she did have was so great that she greeted each new intimacy, each attempt to draw her closer, as something that could destroy everything.  It was why every step forward Shunsui took was often met with two steps backwards by Nanao.  She did not know what to do, and doing nothing was much safer than doing anything.  
   
She felt both pain and relief at each liaison Shunsui had with other women.  Pain because it was not her, and she wanted it to be her; relief because if it was her, she would be destroyed, since there were always more women.  
   
Love to Nanao was something secret and painful; she never believed Shunsui’s proclamations of love, because they were light and happy.  Nanao had wished for many things in her time as Shunsui’s vice captain, but there was nothing she wished so often or so fervently as her wish to be freed of her love.  She loved a man who flew from lover to lover as a bee visits flowers.  But Nanao’s heart was not fickle, and she never wavered.  He slept too much, drank too much, gallivanted too much, but her heart would not be moved.  
   
Shunsui spoke of how he had waited for her, but it was Nanao who had waited for him.


	24. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Nanao emerged from her reverie, watching Shunsui with interest.  He looked stunned as he recalled that long ago day.  “You’ve waited for me since then?”  
   
“From that day.”  Nanao was shocked by how calm she felt when she was standing on the edge of doing all but admitting her love.  Even if she held back the words, Shunsui was a clever man.  He would easily grasp the implications of her actions.  
   
“And you never—there was no one else?”  
   
“How could there be?” she asked simply.  It was obvious to Nanao that pursuing relationships would have been pointless; her heart was occupied, whether she’d wanted it to be or not.  
   
“Nanao—” he said, and she was surprised by how tender and sad his eyes were.  He cupped her face in his hands.  “I’m so sorry, Nanao.  If I’d known—” He stopped abruptly.  His mouth opened, but no words came out.  
   
"Why should you be sorry?  You didn’t do anything wrong.  I told you that before.  Your life is your own.  I had no reason to expect you to behave otherwise.”  
   
He looked pained.  “I love you.”  He dusted small kisses across her cheeks and lips.  “You’re the woman I love, the only one.”  
   
She smiled slightly.  “When you say it like that, I can nearly believe it.”  
   
“Believe me.  I’m going to prove myself to you.  I told you that after you gave me your note, remember?  I promised I would meet your condition,” he said.  He dropped soft kisses her forehead, her nose, and her lips.  
   
 _I need proof of your love._   Nanao remembered the note of cryptic words and his sincere response at the party.  What constituted proof of love she wasn’t sure; but Shunsui seemed so confident that she felt happiness fluttering out from her heart.  
   
“Tonight is for you,” he murmured, kissing down the column of her neck.  She tipped her head to the side to give him more access.  He nibbled and teased at the joint of her neck and shoulder.   
   
She untied the sash at her waist and the robe slipped loose.  Shunsui smiled against her skin, pulling back as he pushed the robe off of her shoulders with his hands.  She shrugged out of the robe, gathering it up and folding it.  He watched her set it neatly beside the bed and then rest her hands in her naked lap.  
   
“Is something wrong?” she asked when he continued to stare at her with those dark and glittering eyes.  She swallowed once.  
   
“You could be in the office, sitting so straight and proper.”  He smiled.  
   
“Should I do something else?”  Her hands fidgeted a little.  
   
“No.  This is perfect.  I’m going to sit in the office and in meetings with Yama-jii and remember you like this.”  He wrapped his hands gently around her shoulders and guided her down to the bed.  
   
She lay on her back with him lounging beside her, leaning over her chest with his weight propped up on one hand.  He traced lazy circles around her breasts with one finger.  “You shouldn’t be distracted in meetings,” she scolded, but sounded breathless.  
   
“Why not?  The only one it would be hard on is me.”  He licked at her nipple with just the tip of his tongue and she arched her back.  He rewarded her by taking her nipple into his mouth and sucking on it.  She gasped at the sensation and drew her hands through his hair.  “I thought you’d have something on under the robe,” he said, licking a path up her breast to her neck.  
   
“I thought it would be inefficient and unnecessary.  Did you want me to wear something else?”  Her brows drew together, though she was having trouble pulling up words as one of his hands roamed over her skin.  
   
“Mmm.  No.  This is perfect, too.  You’re delicious, Nanao.”  He brought his mouth up to hers for a kiss.  She opened her mouth for him without prompting and he teased her with his tongue, leading her into a sensual dance.  
   
 A small sound escaped her throat into his mouth.  He made a pleased noise and drew his hands down her body, brushing over her breasts and thighs, but avoiding the place where she desired his touch the most.  He gave her long, drugging kisses until her hips arched up at the slight brush of his hand on her stomach.  
   
Nanao couldn’t think.  She was overwhelmed with sensation, with need.  He pulled away from her lips to see her face clearly.  She watched him through heavy eyes, licking her swollen lips.  “Beautiful, Nanao,” he murmured, brushing his thumb over her bottom lip.  
   
He took his time, as leisurely about this as he was about everything.  He explored all of the details of her skin, pausing here and there to stroke the curves of her body, lowering his head to taste her flesh.  The bend of her elbow, the dip of her navel, the arch of her foot—each was lavished with his careful attentions.  Only one place on her body was ignored; she ached to be touched between her legs, but he skimmed around the area, teasing near and then away with his fingertips.  
   
He spent another eternity teasing at her breasts, licking and suckling, pinching and tweaking.  She was sweating and shaking, small noises escaping her mouth with every new manipulation of his hands and lips.  But still he wouldn’t touch her center.  
   
Finally she tugged at his head, hard, her hands tangled in his hair.  She parted her legs slightly and said “Please,” but her voice was demanding instead of begging.  
   
He smiled at her as if he’d been waiting for an invitation.  “Anything for you.”  He slipped one large hand between her legs, sliding a finger gently into her body.  He rubbed her eager flesh with his thumb, circling slowly. But she was so heated and needy she peaked right away, clamping her legs over his hand.  
   
She dropped back into awareness slowly.  Her voice made little noises at the twinges of pleasure he extracted with a few more slow movements of his hand.  She could feel his eyes on her face, as they’d been the whole time he’d touched her.  Still, she couldn’t summon up any embarrassment, even when he pulled his hand away from her center and tasted the tips of his wet fingers.  
   
“Delicious Nanao, do you want more?”  He teased at one of her breasts with a fingertip.  
   
"Captain—” Nanao said, but couldn’t find any more words.  
   
“No, Nanao.  Shunsui.  Say my name, sweetheart.”  He rolled her nipple gently between two fingers and she gave a small moan.  
   
She opened her mouth but his name wouldn’t come out.  Decades of restraining herself from ever letting anything as intimate as ‘Shunsui’ pass her lips held her back.  She’d said it before in this room when she was alone and had allowed her secret dreams to escape, but with his dark eyes on her face, with her body naked before him, she felt exposed and vulnerable.  Calling him captain left a small distance between them that she clung to as a safety, even though she’d been thinking of him as Shunsui for days in all her thoughts and for years in all her dreams.  “I can’t say it,” she said.  She flushed and looked away.  
   
“Yes, you can.  You just need the proper motivation.  What if I spelled it out for you?  Would that help?”  
   
She stared at him wordlessly.  He moved between her legs, parting them to expose her to him.  Her eyes widened when she felt the exquisite brush of his tongue against her overheated folds.  “You can’t!”  
   
“I am.”  He wrote his name against her center with careful strokes of his tongue.  Nanao struggled to hold herself still, but by the second drawing of his name she was moving against him, trying to press herself more fully against his tongue.  He held her hips, locking her in place.  
   
“Please, oh please,” she said, and this time it was closer to begging.  
   
“You know what to say.  I’ll do anything you want, if you say my name.”  His voice was like silk sliding over her skin.  He kissed the inside of her thigh as he waited for her response.  
   
Nanao _wanted_ to say it, to gift him this piece of intimacy, but something held her back.  Her instinct for self-preservation was too strong.  “I can’t.”  She shook her head.  
   
Shunsui kissed his way back down her thigh.  He continued to torment her with his tongue, backing off when she was too close to orgasm.  Her legs trembled and her breath came in small pants.  She lasted through four endless writings of his name, her hands tangling in his hair, clutching at his arms, desperate for release.  He rose up to meet her narrowed eyes.  “Nanao.  My precious Nanao.  Please say my name.  I’ll treasure it; I’ll treasure you.  I promise.”  
   
She looked into his eyes, and the yearning there crumbled her last barriers.  Her lips parted and she gave voice to her secret dreams.  “Shunsui.  Please, Shunsui,” she whispered.  
   
He rewarded her immediately, taking her most sensitive flesh into his mouth, licking and suckling her.  She climaxed quickly, sobbing his name, clutching at the blankets and twisting them in her hands.  He didn’t move away until she eased back onto the bed, breathing hard.  
   
Shunsui lay down beside her, propping his head up on an elbow.  He raised his other hand to her cheek, cupping her face and then caressing her neck.  He rested his hand on her left breast, to feel her racing heart.  “Thank you, Nanao.”  
   
Nanao’s hand came up to curl around his.  “Shunsui.”  
   
Her heart slowed gradually.  He lifted her hand to his lips, kissing her knuckles, her fingers and the palm of her hand.  She stared at him, her eyes sleepy and her lips swollen.  “I love the way you say my name, beautiful Nanao,” he said.  He held her hand to his cheek.  
   
“Aren’t you going to—” she asked.  
   
He shook his head.  “I told you, tonight is for you.”  He smiled.  
   
She shivered.  “Shunsui.”  
   
He stroked his hand down her body approvingly.  “My Nanao-chan is such a fast learner.”

**************************************************************************  
   
On Sunday Shunsui persuaded her to picnic with him in the park.  She wore a dark blue yukata with a pattern of autumn leaves falling on the fabric, only a few at the top but increasing to many at the bottom of the garment.  Shunsui proclaimed her the queen of the season.  She shook her head at him, but smiled.  
   
They spread the blanket under one of his favorite trees and ate picnic foods.  Afterward Nanao read the kidō book he’d given her as a gift.  She refused flatly his attempts to get her to sit in his lap, but she did lean against him as he rested against the tree.  He drank sake with one hand and caressed her back and shoulder with the other.  Occasionally he would wave to passersby that he knew; it was a nice day and it seemed as though all of Seireitei was out to enjoy it.  
   
Nanao knew there would be gossip spread about her and Shunsui, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.  She’d heard so many terrible false rumors about herself over the years that she couldn’t raise any concern for a rumor about them sitting together in the park.  Perhaps she would have cared more a few weeks ago, but she’d begun to understand in recent days that it didn’t matter as much what people said about her and Shunsui; it mattered what was true about them.  
   
A large part of the reason gossip had so upset her when she was younger was that none of it was true but there was no way to stop the spread of the lies.  Now that she was older and she was actually in a relationship with Shunsui, she knew gossip about the two of them was inevitable, but it didn’t really matter unless she let it matter.  She still felt like squirming when a passing shinigami stared at them with interest.  Nanao hoped that reaction would pass in time; after all, she’d chosen a tactile and expressive man as her lover, and stopping him from touching her in public would take vigilance and violence she was not willing to apply constantly now that they were in a romantic relationship.  
   
Her request for discretion from him never had a chance, as she’d suspected at the time, but the pleasure of being the recipient of his attentions and affections was enough that she would accept the minor consequences of being stared at and talked about.  “Shunsui, what does this phrase mean?  It says _horse cow flying attack_?” she asked.  
   
He dipped his head down next to hers.  “Hmm, I haven’t heard that in a long time.  Let me see.”  
   
She studied his face as he talked about the phrase’s origins and told a story about a fight in a bar he’d inadvertently started by using it.  The story was amusing but at the end she smiled and shook her head.  “You should have been more careful.  You could have been killed.”  
   
“If I was always careful, I’d miss out on so much life, Nanao-chan.”  He grinned.  
   
“I’m always careful,” she said, looking away as the smile faded from her face.  
   
“You’re cautious most of the time, but not all of the time.  Look at what you’re doing now.  Aren’t you out here with me, enjoying your afternoon exactly as you want to, even when people stare at us like confused squirrels?”  
   
The corners of her lips turned up.  “You’re a special circumstance.”  
   
“I like that, being special to my Nanao-chan.  I don’t know about being a circumstance, though—maybe I could be your special consort, or your handsome suitor, or your romantic lover, or your sexy boyfriend, or maybe the worshipper of Nanao-chan’s luscious, sweet, round—”  
   
Her hand covered his mouth.  She shook her head at him, but she could feel the smile on her face.  “You’re ridiculous.”  
   
He kissed the palm of her hand and then tugged it over to press against his cheek.  “Or maybe I could just be the man who loves Nanao-chan,” he said softly.  His eyes were filled with an emotion that Nanao had seen many times over the years when he looked at her, but she couldn’t identify it exactly; the emotion was hot but soft, and it made her feel embraced by him without ever being touched.  He’d just spoken of love, and that was when his eyes had changed from amusement to this other emotion.  Could it be?  
   
Nanao’s eyelid fluttered down.  She swallowed once.  His skin was warm under her hand.  “Maybe you could be,” she whispered.

**************************************************************************  
   
She was starting to believe him.  Shunsui’s words echoed in her mind for the rest of the afternoon and the evening, as they sat in the park and as they ate dinner with Captain Ukitake at Ugendō.  Nanao had been right about what would happen if she gave him his name.  Every time she said it, she could feel herself opening to him more and more, and she knew that sometime soon she would give him all of her dreams to protect or crush as he wished.  
   
Nanao hadn’t allowed herself to think about it very much, but the judgment for her crimes in the command post could destroy much more than her career.  She’d known this before, but it had seemed more cerebral and survivable then; now, when she was letting herself _feel_ so much for Shunsui and receive so much of his feeling for her, the loss of his affection and respect might break her.  
   
 _If I can’t have distance, then I must have strength_.  
   
“Nanao-chan?  Did that fish offend you somehow?”  
   
Nanao turned her head away from the pond at Ugendō.  She’d been frowning at a suspiciously large fish while she thought.  Her frown eased as she looked at Shunsui and Ukitake.  “The fish are fine, although they seem to be larger than before.  Are you feeding them something new, Captain Ukitake?”  
   
Ukitake smiled.  “I’m not sure why the fish are so big, but they’re really doing well this year.  Perhaps it was the mild weather.”  
   
“If it wasn’t the fish, what made you frown, Nanao-chan?”  Shunsui sounded only curious, but Nanao had noticed he’d been very careful not to embarrass her while they’d been at Ugendō, something he’d never bothered to do while she’d been only his vice captain.  She thought perhaps he was nervous that if she felt uncomfortable in social situations as a couple, she would have second thoughts about their relationship.  But she’d enjoyed dinner with Captain Ukitake.  He’d been warm, courteous, and he’d welcomed Nanao and Shunsui without any overt commentary on their new status.  
   
Nanao sipped her tea.  “I am hoping to have an SWA meeting this week, but it should really be an opportunity for our members to relax.  So it should be more of a party or a dinner than a meeting.  I don’t think any of our usual meeting locations would be appropriate.”  
   
“Is it something you’d want to have at our division’s common room?  You could use that space.”  Shunsui smiled at her easily, but Nanao caught the small flash of relief in his eyes at her answer.  
   
“We try to avoid having meetings at specific division spaces.  People take unintended offense if their division is not chosen, even if they would never actually permit a meeting in their space.”  
   
“Oh?  I can imagine.  I know Captain Soi Fon can be very intense about maintaining secrecy in Second Division, for instance.  Perhaps a private room at a restaurant then?  I think Kyōraku and I could help you select one, as we’ve been to nearly all of the ones in Seireitei and most of the ones in the Rukongai,” Captain Ukitake said.  
   
“Something like that might be ideal.  Which places would you recommend?”  Nanao listened as the two men went back and forth on the virtues of various restaurants and sake houses.  She watched Shunsui’s face as he talked and laughed.  
   
 _Strength_.  She would need to be strong for what would come, but there was nothing further to do about her crimes in the command post.  For now, she would concentrate on enjoying her relationship with Shunsui and her last days as a vice captain.  
   
Shunsui and Captain Ukitake had slipped from talking about restaurant quality to reminiscing about past events in restaurants.  Nanao smiled at their stories, but her mind wandered back to that afternoon she’d taken the portable desk out to the park.  She’d surprised him then and she’d taken a small piece of power in their relationship, but it wasn’t enough, not after last night.  He’d spent hours pleasuring her, touching and kissing all of her skin, learning what made her shiver and gasp, drawing his name from her lips over and over.  
   
But in all that time he’d never lost control of himself, never deviated from his intense and exclusive focus on her.  Nanao had been naked and open to him in so many ways, and she needed him to be in the same position.  Equality must be reached somehow.  
   
She spent the rest of the visit half-listening to Shunsui and Ukitake’s stories while her mind worked through various possibilities.  She might not be able to make him sweat, tremble, and beg, but she would give it her best effort.  Nanao was well-known for her diligence, after all.


	25. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Nanao stood inside the bathroom, her hand raised to open the door.  Several seconds passed.  She shivered despite the warmth of the room.  _I can do this.  I want to do this.  I need to do this._ But she did not move.  
   
She’d already decided this was the best course of action, the quickest way to grasp some of the control of this aspect of their relationship away from Shunsui.  And after the way he’d made her _beg_ him last night, how he’d dragged his name out of her lips, he really deserved this.  
   
Nanao opened the door with a sharp flick of her wrist.  She stepped into the bedroom and then onto the porch.  Shunsui lounged against the floor, just upright enough to drink from his cup and eat snacks from his tray.  He was looking at the stars.  
   
“Nanao-chan?  Did you need something for your bath?  The stars are very bright tonight, we should—” He turned his head enough to see her and his words trailed off.  She stood naked in the moonlight, her back straight and her face cool.  In her hand she clutched a folded towel.  “Nanao-chan?” he asked, and she was pleased by the roughness of his voice.  
   
She raised one arched brow at him and he dropped his cup onto the tray, shifting to rise.  The towel smacked him squarely in the face.  Nanao pivoted on her heel and walked back into the house at the same easy pace she’d come out at, but her heart beat quickly and erratically.  
   
In the bathroom she closed the door and leaned against it for a long moment.  She could hear movement in the outer room and her nerves sparked under her skin.  Footsteps approached the bathroom and her breathing stopped.  
   
But she was standing next to his bath stool arranging her soaps when the door opened.  
He’d put the towel on, and she felt a flash of relief at that.  His hair hung loose down his back, a few curling strands resting against the heavy muscle of his chest.  He stalked towards her, stopping a step away from Nanao.  The bathroom was comfortably large but he made the space seem small.  She swallowed.  
   
“Where do you want me, Nanao-chan?”  His hand reached for her face, but she batted it away.  
   
“Sit,” she said crisply.  He might dominate the room, but he would not dominate her, not tonight.  As he turned to the stool she tugged the towel off his hips.  He stopped moving and she could feel his eyes on her, but she focused her attention on folding the towel into a neat rectangle.  After a few moments he sat on the stool.  Even seated he was huge, and his skin looked darker against the white tile walls.  
   
She stepped around him for the shower wand.  
   
“Nanao-chan?”  
   
“Yes?”  She adjusted the temperature of the water and wet his hair thoroughly with the spray.  
   
“What are you going to do with me?”  His tone was that idle curiosity he favored, but underneath it was dark and burning.  
   
She set aside the shower wand and turned off the water.  Her hands stroked through his heavy hair.  “Yesterday, you induced me to say your name through certain specific means.”  She sent a small ribbon of reiatsu into him.  He leaned his head back into her hands and she filled his body with her reiatsu.  
   
“And today, Nanao-chan?”  He looked up at her with heavy-lidded eyes.  
   
Her right hand stroked down his neck and his shoulder.  She bent until her lips skimmed along the same route, but she stopped in the middle, remembering what she’d wanted to do the first time she’d washed him like this.  Her tongue darted out to taste his skin and her small teeth bit his golden flesh, not hard enough to draw blood but firmly enough to leave perfect red imprints.  
   
Shunsui groaned and reached for her waist, trying to draw her in front of him.  She pushed his hand away.  “No touching.”  
   
“So it’s retaliation?”  
   
Her tongue swept a circle around the mark she’d made on him.  He watched her intently from the corner of his eye.  “Hmm.  Think of it as an assertion of my equal participation in our relationship.”  
   
“If it’s equal, I should be able to touch you,” he said, reaching for her again.  
   
She smacked his hand away.  Her mouth moved up his neck in little licks and bites while one of her hands ran down his chest.  “If you would prefer that I not enjoy myself in this manner, I do have several books in the guest room I could occupy myself with instead,” she whispered in his ear.  
   
“My Nanao-chan may do whatever she wants with me.”  He curled a tendril of his reiatsu into her body.  Nanao shivered at the sensation and her hand curved on his chest to press her fingernails lightly into his flesh.  He poured reiatsu into her until she could feel him from her toes to the crown of her head.  “But I want to touch you.”  
   
As if she would be able to deny him that when her desire was pulsing through her body with each beat of her heart.  Her cheek rubbed against his in unspoken agreement.  She tugged on his earlobe with her teeth, enjoying the spike in his reiatsu.  
   
Nanao washed his hair with long, smooth movements.  She savored the texture of his hair in her hands, the smell of the soap, and the sounds of pleasure Shunsui made.  Her fingers massaged his scalp in wide circles.  She added a touch of healing kidō to her fingertips to enhance the effect of the massage.  Nanao felt herself gradually relaxing as the minutes passed.  
   
She turned on the shower wand and rinsed his hair to prevent soap from dripping into his eyes, then used the spray to wet down his skin.  “Do you use the shower wand when you bathe, or do you use only your bucket?”  
   
His eyes opened to watch her move to his side and wet down his front.  “I had the shower heads put in when the bathrooms were redone, and I was excited because it was so new and convenient.  But I still find myself using just the bucket and the faucets most times.  The habits of so many years are hard to break.”  
   
Nanao felt the weight of his gaze on her face.  She’d noticed last night that even when she was totally naked in front of him, the part of her he most wanted to see was her face.  It had surprised and disconcerted her a little.  “The shower can be more efficient.”  She turned off the spray and rubbed a cloth against his soap.  
   
“I’m sure it is.”  He turned his head to follow her movement when she walked back behind him.   “Nanao-chan,” he said, his voice dipping into a lower, darker register.  
   
She twisted the soapy cloth in her hands, raising her eyes to meet his.  “I’m going to wash you now.”  She lifted her chin.  
   
He smiled.  His hand came up to brush down her cheek and neck.  She shivered slightly and felt his reiatsu swirl inside her body as he responded to her movement.  The intimacy of feeling her lover react to her from inside of her was too much for words, almost too much for her to bear.  She swallowed.  
   
“I’m yours, lovely Nanao-chan.  Please be thorough,” he added with a salacious wink.  He lifted his hand from her front and turned to face away from her.  
   
She sniffed at his words.  “I am always thorough.”  She held the cloth in her right hand and began to sweep it over the muscles of his back.  The wounds he’d suffered in the war were healed and she was sure Captain Unohana would give him a clean bill of health tomorrow.  Her left hand followed after her right, feeling the texture of his skin and scars, roaming his body slowly.  She took her time washing him, soaping the whole of his back, the heavy muscle of his arms—he obligingly held them in whatever position she placed them—and his sides, where her fingers danced down his ribs with a teasing pattern.  She brought her hand back up to caress the muscle of his arm, letting her nails bite into it a little.  “I have no idea how you maintain this level of fitness when you sleep and drink so much.”  
   
“Oh?  Surely my Nanao-chan remembers that she scheduled me to lead two advanced combat classes and two sword training classes.  Then there’s our training together every Friday.”  His eyes followed her hands as they moved down his arm to soap his large hand.  
   
“I lead courses as well, but I don’t have muscles like yours.”  She played with the palm of his hand, which was callused and scarred far more than hers.  
   
“You have a lovely body, Nanao-chan.”  He reached his free hand over to run his fingertips from her shoulder to her bicep.  “There is muscle here, but the body of a woman is different from the body of a man, happily.  You have muscles, but also these beautiful curves.”  His hand ran over her breast and down to the slender dip of her waist.  “Your shape is so enticing to me.  I’ve spent hours trying to figure out the exact measurements of your curves.”  His hand slid down to her hip and curved around the front of her thigh.  
   
Nanao swallowed.  “Why?”  
   
He glanced at his hand on her thigh, her hands clasping his palm, and then up to her face.  “I wanted my fantasies to be as accurate as possible.”  
   
“You—you fantasized about _me_?”  The washcloth slipped from her limp fingers.  She startled and bent to retrieve it, slipping away from his hand.  
   
“Often.  I have hundreds of fantasies starring you.”  His hand slipped around her waist when she stood, drawing her towards him.  
   
“But why?  Why me?”  Nanao frowned, a line cutting between her brows.  
   
He drew her closer still, until her thigh was touching his.  “Shouldn’t I fantasize about the woman I want the most?  Are you telling me you never fantasized about me?  Never had a naughty dream, never thought of wicked things we could do in the office on an endless day?”  
   
Nanao flushed a bright scarlet.  “That’s not—you can’t—I wouldn’t—”  
   
“You wouldn’t what?”  His heavy-lidded eyes were dark and brilliant in the light of the bathroom.  
   
She huffed and pulled away from his arm to stand behind him.  He’d flustered her, again, and he was still at ease.  That simply wouldn’t do.  She took one deep breath to gather her courage.  Her eyes narrowed and she dropped the washcloth, bringing her arms around his neck in a loose hug.  She rubbed her breasts against his back once, twice, enjoying the soapy friction.  Her lips came up to his ear.  “I dreamed about you.  Secret dreams.  Should I tell you?”  
   
“Yes.  Tell me, Nanao.”  He tried to turn to look at her but she pressed his cheek with a hand, keeping him in place.  
   
“I thought about the way your skin feels; how it’s so different from mine.”  Her hand slid further down his chest, her fingers drawing patterns through his chest hair, her nails flicking lightly over his nipple.  
   
“Nanao—”  
   
“Shh.  You wanted to know, didn’t you?    I dreamed about touching you and about you touching me.  I did have fantasies.”  She arched herself against him like a cat and then lifted herself off of his back.  
   
He swallowed.  She studied his reaction with satisfaction.  Now he was flustered, as she’d been.  She smiled but it slipped off in surprise when he spun suddenly on the stool and pulled her into his lap.  His arms came around her, one large hand resting on her back and one on her hip.  “Nanao.”  His mouth slid over hers in a heated kiss.  She opened her mouth for him, her arms coming up around his neck.  Her pleasure at his kiss was reflected and magnified by the sensation of his pleasure flowing through her body in his reiatsu.  A moan escaped from her throat into his mouth.  
   
His lips left hers to travel down her neck.  Nanao struggled to gather her thoughts.  “You said I could do anything I wanted to you,” she said, breathless.  
   
“I am very much hoping that we want the same things,” he murmured against her skin.  
   
“Even if our goals are aligned, I have a specific plan I intend to implement.”  She tugged on his hair to pull him away from her throat.  
   
He grinned at her.  “It amazes me that you can still use that tone when you’re naked in my lap.  It’s very sexy, Nanao-chan.”  
   
She glared at him.  “Shunsui.”  
   
He dipped his head to kiss her again.  This time she fought him for dominance, their tongues wrestling, her fingers curling in his hair.  He won their battle, and plundered her mouth until they had to separate for air.  
   
Nanao slipped off his lap, standing between his legs.  He made a sound of protest and tightened his arms around her.  She pulled on his hair until he opened his heavy eyes to meet hers.  “I’m going to continue washing you.”  
   
“But I want to hear about your fantasies,” he said, his voice low, his smile enticing.  
   
“That’s not going to happen right now,” she snapped.  Then, in a softer tone, the same one she’d used to fluster him about those fantasies in the first place, she added, “You said I could do anything I wanted.”  
   
He shaped his lips into a pout, but his arms eased their hold.  Nanao stepped away from him to find the forgotten washcloth and lather it with fresh soap.  She hesitated a moment before returning to stand in front of him.  Her earlier nervousness returned, but he opened his eyes to watch her, and they were full of his desire and that other emotion that made her feel embraced, the one she’d refused to name earlier.  
   
 _Love._  
   
She stepped into the space between his legs, running the cloth over the planes of his chest, her eyes following her hands.  Her face was close to his, and she felt his gaze on her face—on her eyes, her cheeks, and then her lips.  The cloth soaped down his ribcage and the top of his abdomen.  She flicked her eyes up to catch his for a moment and then knelt between his legs.  Her hands felt the thick muscles of his stomach and then the bones of his pelvis; she stroked the cloth across them without taking her eyes off his.  
   
He tensed when the cloth brushed over his groin, but she arched a brow and drew the cloth down and around his thigh.  His knee, the muscles of his calf, his shin, and then his large foot—one of her hands ran over each with the cloth, followed slowly by her other hand, exploring the texture of his body.  She came back to his front, pausing for a moment.  His reiatsu was sparking with anticipation and she smiled a little.  
   
He groaned when she turned to his other thigh and began to wash it.  “You told me to be thorough.”  
   
“Nanao-chan.”  
   
She took her time with his leg, running her hands over a faint, long scar that wrapped from the outside of his thigh to the inside of his knee.  It looked like a sword wound.  She arched a brow at him.  
   
“Duels used to be a lot more common in the Gotei 13.  I was relieved when they were mostly banned.  It took so much energy, answering all those challenges.”  
   
 She shook her head at him.  The sparking in his reiatsu was a full burn by the time she soaped his toes.  Her own anticipation rose to meet the level of his, but she pushed it away to focus on the goal at hand.  
   
Back at his center, she hesitated a moment and then began to pull the cloth over his groin.  She studied him with interest—books, Rangiku, and the SWA didn’t really prepare her adequately for this situation.  “It’s larger than I expected,” she said, tilting her head up at his face.  The cloth dipped down lower.  She observed further.  “Of course, you are a very tall man, and a certain amount of proportionality is to be expected, however, even taking that into consideration, my observation stands.”  
   
“Nanao,” he groaned.  “You’re killing me.”  
   
“Do you not like this?”  Her other hand had come up to explore him, her fingers stroking over the tip of his manhood, then down, around, until she circled him in her grip.  
   
“I like this.”  His eyes were on her face.  One of his hands threaded through her hair, but she did not rebuke him for touching her this time.  
   
“If I do this?”  She slipped her hand, slick with soap, up and down.  
   
“Yes.  Yes, like that.  Harder.”  
   
She watched his face.  He was tense and a few beads of sweat formed on his brow.  His eyes looked at her as if she were the most important thing in the world.  
   
“Nanao.  Stop—” He tugged her up to stand in front of him.  
   
“What?”  She frowned at him, but comprehension hit her a moment later.  “ _Oh._ ”  She considered for another moment.  “I want to see.”  
   
“Nanao, you—”  
   
“I want to see.”  She perched on one of his thighs, running her hand back down the ridges of his abdomen.  He shuddered at her touch.  She resumed her strokes, faster than before, but her eyes were focused on his face.  The tension in his body and reiatsu went higher and higher.  His hands reached for her, grasping her waist, her shoulder, and she thought that he wanted to kiss her, but she really did want to see this.  
   
“Nanao.  Nanao—” he repeated her name over and over, and his eyes were hot on hers.  Suddenly the tension in him spilled out in a wave, and he said her name again, urgently.  Nanao watched his release, fascinated by the reactions of his body and his face.  
   
She understood now why he’d wanted to see her face the most last night.  She could see the pleasure and the relief in his eyes and see his lips voicing her name.  _I did this to him._ All of this—his arousal, his pleasure—was for her and from her.  She felt pleased and powerful and even a little sexy.  
   
After his shudders eased he shifted until he could pull her against his chest.  He dropped little kisses into her hair, one of his large hands caressing her back.  There was tenderness in his touch that drew a soft sigh from her lips.  
   
“Are you satisfied with the outcome of your plans, Nanao-chan?”  
   
“It was most interesting.  I look forward to repeating the experience.”  She nipped at his shoulder with her teeth.  
   
He chuckled.  “In the meantime, why don’t I wash your beautiful back?”  
   
Nanao smiled against his skin.  “Please be thorough.”  
   
*****************************************************************  
   
In the morning Nanao opened one eye and squinted at the light coming in through the window.  It was brighter than she expected and she rose to her knees for a better look.  Shunsui groaned as she withdrew from his hold.  The sun _was_ higher than usual.  The man was havoc on her sleeping schedule.  
   
His arm snaked around her waist.  “If you’re already late, stay in bed with me for a while, Nanao-chan.”  
   
She turned around to scowl at him, crossing her arms under her naked breasts.  “This is your fault.  You kept me up,” she snapped.  
   
Shunsui grinned.  “I did.  I’m not sorry, either.  But Nanao-chan, I thought of another good reason to wake up early.”  
   
“What’s that?” she asked, glaring at him.  
   
He grasped her thighs and lifted her over him until she straddled his waist.  His mouth came up to kiss her neck and trail a wet path down to one of her breasts, and his hands—Nanao admitted to herself that he really had marvelous hands.  
   
“That’s not fair,” she said, gasping, and then nothing crossed her lips but his name for a long time after.  
   
She was late for work _again_.  Nanao wore a severe expression as she entered the Eighth Division.  She’d been late more in the last week than she’d been in the previous decade; but it wasn’t as if she’d be getting a rebuke from her captain anytime soon, not when it was his fault.  
   
While Nanao was walking to her office, one of the Eleventh Seats brought her a cup of tea and a list of messages the division had received over the weekend.  She felt a moment of satisfaction; at least some of the division operated professionally, even if several members were hanging over their desks, trying to recover covertly from a rough weekend.  Her satisfaction turned into emptiness at the thought of losing her position as vice captain and leaving Eighth Division.  She shook it off and decided to assign this specific Eleventh Seat some additional duties in the instruction manual on running the division Nanao would leave behind.  
   
There was a box on her desk, and she eyed it warily.  No doubt it was from Shunsui, but unlike the book and the flowers, it was impossible to see what the gift was without opening it.  It was too small to be clothes, unless they were very, very small clothes, which had happened before.  She narrowed her eyes at the box.  The memory of a rhinestone-studded thong came to mind, although she blamed Rangiku for that as much as Shunsui.  Neither one of them could seem to moderate the worst impulses of the other; this had resulted in some terrifying and bizarre gift experiences for Nanao over the years.  She was still not certain what they had expected her to do with a black leather riding crop, but she was certain that their intentions were not good.  
   
She took a deep breath and tugged the top of the box off in a smooth motion.  There was a note on top, and when she lifted it away her breath caught.  Inside was a hairclip in black lacquered wood, inlaid with delicate cherry blossoms made of mother of pearl.  She ran her fingers over the smooth surface.  
   
It was an exquisite piece, and she hesitated a long minute before unclipping her hair and redoing it with her new gift.  Shunsui really did have good taste sometimes.  She picked up the note.  _For Nanao-chan, because everything you wear should be lovely.  Yours, Shunsui_  
   
Smiling, she reached for the top page of the backlog paperwork.


	26. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

It was nearly noon before she heard the cheerful greetings and giggles from the outer office that signaled the arrival of her captain.  He entered their shared office and closed the door behind him.  Nanao continued to work on the paper in front of her, even when he leaned over her chair from behind and began to nuzzle her neck.  
   
“You’re later than usual,” she said, stamping the page with his seal.  
   
“I know.  Some sexy woman kept me up late.”  He slipped her uniform to the side just enough to nip at her collarbone.  
   
“Personal affairs should not affect division business.  And stop that.”  She brandished the hand with the seal at his face.  
   
He captured her hand and tugged the seal away.  “Yare, yare.  Naughty Nanao-chan is using her captain’s seal.  I think that violates regulations, Nanao-chan,” he murmured next to her ear.  
   
She shivered.  “If you have developed a sudden desire to personally approve our members’ receipt of bonus money, please allow me to give you the necessary paperwork.  Otherwise, you might recall that you gave me permission to use your seal for this purpose within the first year of my tenure as vice captain.”  Her voice was crisp, but one of his hands was massaging the back of her neck and melting her body into honey.  
   
“I’m pretty sure that I gave you the hanko and told you to do whatever you wanted to with it, actually.”  He’d snuck back to kissing her neck.  
   
“Doing something like that was very inappropriate.  You are very lucky I wasn’t interested in embezzling division funds.  It would have been extremely easy.”  She pushed his lips off her neck with one hand, a bit reluctantly.  
   
“But my Nanao-chan’s high professional standards would have never have permitted something like that.”  She hadn’t pushed off the hand he had massaging her neck, so he brought up his other hand and began to rub her shoulders.  
   
Her eyelids fluttered as she relaxed into his delicious massage.  “My professional standards are slipping by the minute,” she said.  
   
He laughed and leaned down to kiss her head.  “I’m pleased to hear that.”  After a few minutes he added, “Nanao-chan’s hair looks even more lovely than usual.”  
   
“Thank you for the hairclip.  It’s really very beautiful.”  Her lips turned up at the corners.  He took advantage of Nanao’s relaxation, shifting to press his lips to her smiling mouth.  Nanao pushed him off after a few moments, laughing a little against his lips.  
   
He pulled back, watching her laugh.  “What is it, Nanao-chan?”  
   
“I was just thinking your taste in gifts makes the most baffling jumps.  The book, the hairclip, the flowers, those are well-chosen gifts in good taste.  But then there are some of the things you got me in the past—that corset, those underwear with the rhinestones—and I use the term underwear loosely—and that black riding crop.  What on earth did you intend with things like that?”  
   
He smiled.  “When I pick presents for you, first I try to find things that can be used, because my Nanao-chan is such a practical woman.  Things that you can use are the things you value most, like the book and the hairclip.  But sometimes gifts should be things that have beauty as a purpose, like flowers.  And sometimes I choose things that I think could be useful for specific occasions, or that will add fun to my Nanao-chan’s life, like those _delightful_ little glittery underwear.”  
   
“What possible occasion could those be appropriate for?”  Nanao drew her brows together.  
   
His smile widened.  “Oh Nanao-chan, there are so many!  Why don’t you put them on later and I’ll show you—”  
   
Her hand clamped over his mouth.  “Enough.  You really—” She could feel her cheeks pinking as she looked at him.  “But that riding crop.  That doesn’t have any utility.  I do not have a horse or a boar.  I do not ride.  And it would hardly be the first item I would need if I were going to take an interest in riding.”  She lifted her hand cautiously off his mouth.  
   
Almost immediately she regretted her question.  His eyes glittered with amusement and warmth.  “Something like that isn’t only useful with horses, Nanao-chan,” he said, and she immediately understood.  
   
Her cheeks flushed scarlet.  “I require no further explanation.”  
   
“But I really, really want to make sure your curiosity is fulfilled.  Do you want to try it on me?  Or perhaps I should spank Nanao-chan.”  He advanced, leaning in close to her face.  
   
Nanao leaned away from him over the opposite side of the chair.  “Don’t you dare,” she hissed, and flipped a fan out of her sleeve to tap against his lips.  
   
“But Nanao-chan, I only want to help!”  He loomed closer.  
   
“Um, excuse me, captain, vice captain—no one answered the door, so—” The Eleventh Seat Nanao had gotten tea from earlier hovered in the doorway.  
   
“Yes?”  Nanao added a hand to her effort to push Shunsui away, though he went easily now that they weren’t alone.  
   
“A new memo from the First Division has arrived.”  The girl continued to hesitate at the door.  
   
“Bring it here, please.”  Nanao accepted the papers from the girl.  “Also, please inform any members who need assistance that the captain and I will be at the Fourth Division this afternoon and that they may refer to Third Seat Enjōji.”  She spoke crisply, as if the girl had not walked in on a compromising situation.  It was no worse than many awkward positions Shunsui had put her into over the years.  
   
Shunsui smiled.  “Is that today?”  
   
“Yes.  I would have reminded you if you’d come in earlier.”  Nanao flipped through the papers from the First.  
   
The Eleventh Seat left the office, visibly eased from the way she’d looked when she stood in the doorway.  Nothing so unusual had happened, after all; the vice captain had beaten back the captain’s advances.  
   
“Do you think they all know about us?” Nanao asked.  
   
He tilted his head at her.  “If they don’t yet, they will soon.  Does that bother you?”  
   
She frowned, considering.  “I think that as long as a professional standard is maintained, our members will respect our leadership.”  
   
“I’ll leave the professional standard to you, as usual.”  He grinned.  “Shall we go?”  
   
Nanao stood, stretching.  “Captain Yamamoto wants to see you tomorrow morning.”  
   
“Yama-jii?  Why?”  
   
“It’s likely he will see many people tomorrow, probably for some kind of debriefing.  He also wishes to see me.”  Nanao marched through the Eighth Division halls and courtyard and jumped into shunpo there, Shunsui following her closely.  
   
He didn’t say anything about the summons, even when they’d landed outside the Fourth Division, and Nanao was grateful.  She didn’t want to discuss the complaint any further, not when they’d come to such a serious impasse before.  
   
Captain Unohana waited for them in a white exam room.  She greeted Nanao and Shunsui politely and made small talk while she began her examination of Shunsui’s injuries from the Arrancar War.  
   
“I am hoping we can have a private SWA dinner this week, as an opportunity for our members to relax and reconnect,” Nanao said.  She stood by the window a polite distance away from the exam table, but she watched Captain Unohana’s work out of the corner of her eyes.  
   
“That would be very pleasant.  Unfortunately, I am unavailable on Friday evening, so if the dinner could be scheduled for Wednesday or Thursday, I would appreciate it.”  Unohana’s voice was very mild.  
   
“Of course, Captain Unohana.  It would be nice to have as much attendance as possible, although we will be lacking some members for certain.  Rukia-san is in the Living World with Ichigo Kurosaki, Nemu-san is going back and forth between Soul Society and Hueco Mundo on errands for Captain Kurotsuchi, and Hinamori-san is—” Nanao stopped.  
   
“Hinamori-san’s organ treatment is going well.  I check in with the Twelfth Division regularly.  But she has not yet regained consciousness.  Still, please send messages about the dinner to the others.  Even if they can’t attend, they may enjoy being remembered.”  
   
Nanao nodded.  “I’ll send invitations to everyone.”  
   
“These wounds have healed well.  This is very fine work, Ise-san.”  Unohana let the light of her diagnostic kidō fade out.  “If I may make one recommendation, it might be a good idea to have some scar reduction done.  These wounds, particularly the cero, have covered a substantial area, and it might be beneficial to minimize scar tissue in case of future injuries to the same areas.  A build-up of scar tissue on your back is not a desirable occurrence.  I’m sure Ise-san is familiar with the kidō?”  
   
“Yes I am, Captain Unohana.”  
   
“Thank you, Retsu-san.”  Shunsui smiled at Unohana.  She made her goodbyes to him and to Nanao and left.  
   
Alone in the exam room, Nanao stared at Shunsui’s chest and then looked away.  “You never say anything suggestive to Captain Unohana,” she said, although those weren’t the words she’d intended to say.  
   
“To my sempai?  Yare, yare, Nanao-chan.  I know you’ve called me an idiot before, but I didn’t think you believed I’d be that stupid.”  He leaned back on his hands and raised an eyebrow at her.  
   
Nanao shook her head.  “Actually I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anyone disrespect her, when I think of it.”  
   
“Who would dare?”  
   
Nanao considered.  “Perhaps Captain Zaraki.  He seems reckless enough.”  
   
“Reckless, maybe, but he’s lived this long—he can’t be an absolute idiot, and that’s what it would take to disrespect her.”  He held out a hand towards her.  
   
“I wonder how old Captain Unohana is, to be called sempai by someone like you.”  She glanced at his hand and then his face.  Finally she moved towards him.  
   
“You mean to be the elder of someone ‘older than most of the buildings in Seireitei’?”  He grinned at her, and she blushed pink.  She had said that to him, but she would never say something like that about Captain Unohana.  “I never question the age of a woman past a certain point, Nanao-chan.  Retsu-san’s exact age can remain shrouded in mystery forever.  It’s safer that way.”  
   
Nanao’s lips turned up at the corners.  “You may be right.”  
   
He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles.  “What is it, Nanao-chan?”  
   
She shook her head.  “Nothing.”  
   
He dropped a heavy hand to her waist to pull her between his legs.  She could feel the warmth radiating off of his chest and smell his familiar scent.  It had a hint of pine today, and she wondered what tree he’d stopped in before he came to the office.  “Sweet Nanao-chan, you’re biting your lips and you have a crease right here that tells me something is bothering you.”  He touched the frown between her eyebrows with one finger.  
   
“I have to move out,” she blurted, and then tried to cover the outburst with a flurry of professional language.  “That is, my temporary residence in your house, which was necessitated by your medical condition, is logically at an end, as you no longer need the kind of care I provided.”  She stared at his chest.  
   
“I see.  But I want you to stay with me, and I think that’s what you want, so there’s no reason to leave.”  He lifted her chin gently, but she swept her eyelids down and glanced away.  
   
“It’s not appropriate.”  
   
He cupped her face in his hands.  “It’s appropriate for us, if it’s what we both want.”  
   
She shook her head.  
   
“Look at me, Nanao-chan.”  She flicked her eyes up to his reluctantly.  “We’re still in our trial courtship for another week, remember?  So even if you were to move out, you wouldn’t be rid of me.  I would just follow you to your quarters.  The time you’ve offered is very brief, and I have to secure my Nanao-chan’s affections, so I can’t let any opportunity slip away.  I’ll just come to your quarters, and you’ll be tripping over me at every turn.  Or you could just stay at my house, where we’re both comfortable.”  
   
It was very tempting, and she considered the possibility for a long moment.  But her boundaries were too tightly drawn and she’d pressed them beyond the edges for him already.  Nanao wasn’t sure if she could go any farther without any cover at all.  Moving in with him temporarily for medical reasons was very different from moving in with him for an unknown length of time for a love affair.  How could he be so casual about something so serious?  He’d never, to her knowledge, lived with one of his love interests for any length of time.  Yet here he was, presenting it to her as a simple matter.  She shook her head.  
   
“But Nanao-chan, Retsu-san said I should have that scar reduction kidō.  Surely it would be to the benefit of my health to have it done twice a day.  And if I need that kidō, it would be easiest for you to stay with me, wouldn’t it?”  His voice was warm and persuasive.  
   
It was a weak reason, barely an excuse, really, but she was grateful to him for the effort.  She thought she could stay with him for at least a week on this pretext without worrying too much about the impropriety.  Nanao suspected that Shunsui would produce a new reason for her presence in his house every single week, even every single day if she required one, and that thought broke down her resistance.  She didn’t speak, but instead leaned towards him.  His hands slid off her face to hold her to him as she pressed her face into his chest.  She inhaled deeply and let her tension out as she exhaled.  She still couldn’t say it, but he must have read her surrender in the easing of her body.  
   
“I’m glad, Nanao-chan,” he murmured near her ear.  
   
She smiled against his skin.  
   
*************************************  
   
“You fools!”  
   
Nanao took a sip from her teacup.  “The captain commander seems to be doing well.”  
   
Sasakibe lifted his teacup.  “Indeed, Ise-san, his recovery has been very rapid.”  
   
More shouts drifted through the walls of the First Division, but the words were indistinct.  Nanao and Sasakibe discussed agendas for the upcoming meeting of vice captains, the repair work being done to the building the Eleventh Division destroyed during their victory celebration, and the status of wounded comrades.  He was really a very pleasant man to converse with, something she hadn’t really noticed before, since most of their contact was within the structure of meetings and memos.  
   
The shouting stopped.  Sasakibe stirred from his chair.  “He’ll be seeing Captain Ukitake now, and then he’ll be ready for you.”  
   
Nanao followed him out of his office and to the hallway where Ukitake’s Third Seats were crouched.  “Oh, Nanao-san!  I got your message about the SWA meeting.  Should I wear Living World clothes?  We did pass that resolution, after all,” Kiyone asked.  
   
“I think most of our members will probably wear them, since it’s in the evening and it’s an informal gathering.”  Nanao smiled slightly.  
   
Kiyone’s face brightened.  “It’s exciting, isn’t it?  It’ll be good to see everyone together again.”  
   
“Yes, it really will be,” Nanao said, and meant it.  The SWA was an organization that had provided her with an outlet for her extra time and energy and the opportunity to socialize with people with at least a few things in common with her.  She would always be grateful for that.  
   
Captain Ukitake emerged from his meeting with Yamamoto and Sasakibe stepped into the room, returning a moment later.  “The captain will see you now, Ise-san.”  
   
Nanao exchanged a friendly greeting with Ukitake and entered the long room where Yamamoto sat at the back, the smile falling off her face.  Sasakibe left the room and closed the door behind him.  She moved into a seiza posture near the door, but Captain Yamamoto gestured for her to come closer.  He flipped through some papers on a side table.  
   
“Vice Captain Ise, there are a few matters I wish to discuss with you.  I have read your report on the events at the command post and your response to the Kidō Corps vice captain’s complaint.  Your accounts match with other eyewitness accounts and with the less heated sections of the complaint.  Do you have anything you would like to add?”  
   
His head turned from his papers to look at her.  Even when his intentions were benign, the weight of his gaze was like the crushing pressure of a deep sea.  “No, sir.  My reports were accurate.”  
   
“The Central 46 will be taking up consideration of your case within the next several days.  A decision should be reached quickly, since the matter is not complicated by differing accounts.  After that, I will consider the question of the complaint.  My vice captain has discussed probable outcomes with you?”  
   
“Yes, sir.”  
   
“So you are entirely aware of the severity of your crimes?”  
   
Nanao fought the urge to step back and clasped her hands behind her back.  “Yes, sir.”  
   
“What is interesting in this case is that while your captain made a few overtures earlier regarding the complaint of Vice Captain Takahashi, he didn’t say a word about the larger charge against you.  I can only conclude that you have not told him about the extent of your crimes.”  
   
“I have not broken confidentiality, sir.”  Nanao’s spine straightened further.  
   
“Good.  Since you have not violated the confidentiality order, I must presume your new personal involvement with Shunsui is not an effort to obtain his protection against the judgment for your crimes.”  
   
Her eyes widened with surprise.  The captain commander was aware of their relationship?  He didn’t seem like the type to sit around in a bar exchanging the latest gossip.  Her eyes narrowed again at the implicit insult in his comment.  He thought she might have used Shunsui to avoid paying for her crimes?  “With all appropriate respect, my personal relationships are a private matter, sir.”  
   
He threw that aside with a grunt.  “The relationship is within the purview of the Gotei 13, as it clearly could affect the functionality of Eighth Division.  If you are not seeking leniency, why have you begun an inappropriate relationship with your captain?”  
   
Nanao’s nails bit into her palms.  “Sir?  The reasons for my personal relationship with Captain Kyōraku are—that is—they are personal.”  A few beads of sweat slipped down her back.  
   
His eyes pinned her where she stood.  “Humph.  Very well.  It is no matter if you answer now or not, you will need to explain on the form in any case.”  
   
“Sir?”  
   
He flipped through his pile of papers until he found a specific one.  “Take this.”  
   
She walked forward slowly and took the paper.  It was a short form at one page, with only a few questions.  “This is an _Application for Special Dispensation of Anti-fraternization Regulations_?”  
   
“It must be filled out and stamped by you and by Shunsui, and then returned here.  I will approve the application at that time.”  One of his brows lifted very slightly.  
   
“I’ve never seen this form before, sir.”  
   
“It is not commonly necessary or used.”  
   
The skin between her brows creased.  “Yet given my captain’s previous activities, it seems perhaps I might have encountered this form before, sir.”  
   
He grunted.  “If we required this form for every instance of Shunsui’s inappropriate interactions with women, my division would drown in the paperwork.  In any case, his fraternization with you is of more significance than previous incidents.  The form is entirely necessary in this case.  Although your time as the vice captain of the Eighth will likely end soon, it is still important to maintain at least a semblance of order.”  
   
Nanao nodded.  “Yes, sir.”  
   
“That will be all, Vice Captain Ise.”  Yamamoto sank back in his chair.  If Nanao couldn’t sense reiatsu, she might have mistaken him for a harmless elder.  But she’d witnessed his power.  He’d nearly killed her without the slightest effort.  It was impossible for her to stand in his presence without an oily thread of fear winding around her throat.  
   
“Yes, sir.  Thank you, sir.”  Nanao bowed and left the room.  Sasakibe walked her to the gates of First Division.  
   
She moved to jump into shunpo, but turned back.  “Sasakibe-san?  Are you familiar with this form?”  She handed him the application Yamamoto had given her.  
   
“I’ve seen it occasionally.  It’s rare, but it has been used several times during my tenure here.  You might recall Kaien Shiba; he filed one while he was a vice captain.”  
   
“Yes.”  She glanced away for a moment.  “There truly is a form for everything,” she said, and took the page from Sasakibe’s hand.  
   
“If you are interested in information about rare forms, I can send you a copy of _The Complete Collection of Gotei 13 Applications and Dispensations_.”  
   
“That seems as if it would be most useful, Sasakibe-san.”  Actually it sounded like something she would use to break Shunsui’s nose, and not like something she would use to learn about new paperwork, but it would be impolite to say so.  
   
“I shall send it with a courier later today.”  
   
“Thank you, Sasakibe-san.”  Nanao stepped into shunpo.  At the Eighth Division she hesitated, then headed away from the offices to the barracks.  In her quarters she studied the small volume of her possessions.  It would make the transition easier for the next occupant of her position if she packed up these items now.  If she couldn’t bring them with her, if her punishment was exile or worse, at least it would be simple for someone to remove them.  
   
She packed a crate of books, her fingers strolling over the titles as she worked.  Some of her best memories involved books.  She smiled at her newest book-related memory, when she’d read in the park with Shunsui under a tree.  She made a note to pick up more crates from the division supplies and went to the closet, carefully depositing clothes into a bag.  
   
“Nanao-chan!  Lovely, lovely Nanao-chan!  I haven’t seen you all afternoon.”  
   
Nanao froze at Shunsui’s voice inside her quarters.  She hadn’t felt him approaching—he must have been moving at a very high speed shunpo.  Her eyes darted to him.  Panic ran through her, making her body hot and cold by turns.  He was so clever, so damnably clever.  What if he saw her packing and associated it with her meeting with the captain commander?  “I was just—that is—”  
   
He glanced around the room, taking in the crate of books, the bag, the garment in Nanao’s hand and the expression on her face.  He stepped towards her until he could touch her cheek.  “Sweet Nanao-chan,” he murmured.  
   
She swallowed hard.  
   
Forgive me, Nanao-chan.”  Her heart jumped inside her chest, but his eyes were warm and soft on hers.   “I should have realized you’d want your things with you at the house.  We can have a few boys from the division pack up the rest and bring it over later.”  
   
Nanao shook her head, nearly trembling with relief.  He didn’t know about her crimes; he assumed her nerves were about moving more of her things to his house.  She cleared her throat.  “No, don’t do that.  Not only is it inappropriate to use division members for such personal tasks, as I have reminded you many times, but I would also prefer to handle my possessions myself.”  
   
 “Then let me help you.”  He leaned past her to look with unabashed interest at the open chest containing her undergarments.  
   
“Absolutely not,” she snapped.  “I want to make some progress this afternoon.”  
   
Shunsui grinned widely at that.  “Do I distract you, Nanao-chan?” he asked in her ear.  His silky lips pressed against the curve of her jaw, the column of her neck.  
   
“Stop that, we’re at the division.  And you know that you spend at least half of your waking hours trying to distract me deliberately.”  
   
“Hmm.  But what I want to know is: am I succeeding?”  He lifted his head from her neck to smile at her.  
   
She huffed and he smiled wider.  “If you wanted to help, there is something you can do.”  
   
“Anything for my Nanao-chan.”  
   
“There’s some paperwork.”  
   
“Perhaps something else for my Nanao-chan?”  
   
She pushed him away and tugged the form from the captain commander out of her uniform.  “Here is the form.  Please take it to the office and leave it on my desk when you’re done, so I can also stamp it.  This is probably the only time I will ever say this to you, but if you could avoid being completely clear or thorough in your answers, I would appreciate that.”  
   
Shunsui took the form from her outstretched hand at her last words.  “What in the world would make those words come from my Nanao-chan’s mouth?  _Application for Special Dispensation of Anti-fraternization Regulations_?  This is—Nanao-chan, these questions are fantastic.  Can you imagine them in Yama-jii’s voice?  It gives me shivers just thinking about it.”  
   
Nanao glowered at him.  “Be vague in your answers.  Use language as flowery or metaphorical as you desire.  And do not, under any circumstances, expand your answers onto another sheet of paper.”  
   
“But I want Yama-jii to understand the beauty and depth of our love, Nanao-chan.”  His eyes nearly _glowed_ with enjoyment and mischief.  
   
“He doesn’t want to hear about something like that,” she snapped.  “Just answer the questions as barely as possible.”  
   
“But a question like ‘When did you begin your inappropriate fraternization?’ has so many possible answers, Nanao-chan.”  
   
“It does not.  Last Monday is the correct answer.”  She turned back to the closet to shift clothes into her bag.  
   
“Was that really when it started for you, Nanao-chan?”  His voice dipped low and reverberated in her belly.  
   
She swallowed hard, but kept her back to him and her hands busy with her clothes.  His arms slipped around her waist, pulling her gently against his front.  
   
“Make sure you check the form over before you stamp it, lovely Nanao-chan.  The information we give Yama-jii should be as accurate as possible, after all,” he murmured next to her ear.  
   
Her head tipped in the barest of nods.  She felt the shadow of a kiss on her cheek, and then he was gone.  
   
She spent another hour and a half packing up her quarters, making trips to the supply room for crates and stacking the full ones in neat piles.  She imagined Shunsui filling out that invasive form, drawing little hearts and flowers around his answers, and it made her smile.  It would have been very difficult for Nanao to complete that form, with its incredibly personal questions, but he would have no problems with it.  He might even enjoy it.  
   
The office was empty when she entered.  Considering that Shunsui’s meeting with Yamamoto had been in the morning, she thought the chances were very good that he was now napping under a tree.  
   
The completed request form sat in the center of her desk.  She approached it cautiously.  He could have written anything, really—hadn’t he composed an entire series of poems on her glasses, and another on her thighs?  She’d hit him very hard with _The Unabridged Encyclopedia of Kid_ _ō Incantations_ for the latter.  There were no hearts or flowers on the form, which was a surprise.  
   
She lifted the paper as if it might turn into a dangerous explosive, but after several seconds of reading she sat heavily in her chair, pressing the page to her chest.  Her eyes stung and she took deep breaths.  
   
 _What is the nature of your fraternization?_  
   
 _-Love._  
   
 _What long-term plans, if any, do you have for your fraternization?_  
   
 _-I intend to love Nanao as much and as closely as she will allow, for the rest of our time in Soul Society._  
   
She’d been monstrously unfair to him.  Had she spared any thoughts for what he might feel if she was exiled or worse?  She’d wondered what he would think of her after he knew about her crimes, if he would be disappointed, or angry, or betrayed, but had she thought at all of what he might feel in her absence if his love was genuine?  
   
The urge to confess her crimes rose up so strongly she could feel the words climbing her throat.  She pushed them down.  Even if she wanted to confess to him, she couldn’t.  Hadn’t Sasakibe laid it out clearly?  If Shunsui knew about the judgment that would come down on her head, he might try to stop the flow of events.  Others might help him, and it could become a war between shinigami, the way the Rukia Kuchiki matter very nearly had.  
   
No, she couldn’t tell him.  
   
But perhaps after he knew, after the judgment, if she wasn’t exiled or dead, if he still wanted—if she could have— _they_ could have—  
   
She shook her head.  Speculation like that was not only pointless, it was painful.  It was impossible to predict the extent of the punishment she might receive, and to predict how Shunsui would react, and what might be between them at that time.  She could only think about the rest of the time she knew she had with him.  Perhaps there was a week at most?  There was so much she wanted to experience with him before it was over.  
   
She flattened the paper on the desk, running her hand over the characters.  Her stamp hovered over the page for a moment.  It trembled very slightly in her hand.  She brought it down on the page, leaving a crisp imprint of her approval.


	27. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

“Two hand-to-hand courses, back to back, Nanao-chan?  It’s very cruel.  Wednesday is brutal,” Shunsui whined as he flopped on the sofa.  His legs stuck out several inches over the end.  
   
Nanao looked at him skeptically.  He did not appear particularly strained or worn out; he wasn’t even sweating.  “I would remind you that you didn’t feel Enjōji-san could lead advanced hand-to-hand courses yet, and that you decided that my schedule was too full to accommodate them.  It was very generous of you to take on both of the courses.  If you like I can schedule them for different days next quarter.”  
   
“But there will still be two of them.”  He tugged his hat over his eyes.  
   
“There will always be at least two of them, unless our division becomes exceptionally poor at combat and requires large amounts of remedial training.”  She rose from her desk and walked over to the sofa.  “Vice Captain Sasakibe has sent me a polite but forceful reminder that you have still not completed your report on the war.”  
   
He tipped his hat up.  “A report?  Yama-jii was right there, Nanao-chan.  He already knows what happened.”  He slid a hand down her waist, clasping her hip.  
   
“Nonetheless, a report is required.”  
   
“Another day.  Let’s do something more interesting, Nanao-chan.”  He tugged her closer to the sofa.  
   
She sighed.  How many times had they maneuvered through this exact conversation?  The subject changed, but the words were almost identical.  “The report must be at the First Division by tomorrow.”  
   
Shunsui said nothing, just grinned at her.  
   
She sighed again.  Always the same—except for the hand on her backside, that was new.  “Stop that.  We’re in the office.”  The offending hand drifted back to her hip.  She continued through her usual lines.  “The report must be done.  Would you like to dictate it to me?”  
   
The grin slipped off his face.  “Not this time, Nanao-chan, not for this.”  
   
She nodded.  He would dictate reports to her occasionally because it allowed him to monopolize her attention, which he enjoyed.  But a report on a battle where he’d killed someone—he wouldn’t want her to live that through his eyes, even though she’d watched the battle on the monitors at the Twelfth Division.  
   
He stood up, leaning over Nanao’s shoulder.  “If Nanao-chan says it’s important that the report be done, then it can’t be helped.”  He smiled, but his eyes were sad now, not playful as they’d been when he’d complained about teaching courses.  
   
“Thank you,” she said, but a pang went through her as she saw him arrange his paper and ink at his desk.  He would spend the rest of the afternoon on this unpleasant task because she’d asked it of him.  She glanced at the portable desk and inspiration struck her.  It might not make his work any easier, but…  
   
He stopped writing in mid-stroke when Nanao’s hands came down on his shoulders from behind and her breath breezed over his cheek.  His head turned slightly so he could see her from the corner of his eye.  “If you are able to finish this report today, so that it can go by courier to the First Division, it would be wonderfully efficient.  Of course, that might be a lot to ask of a busy captain, so perhaps some additional motivation could be appropriately applied here.”  
   
“Motivation?”  His tone was idle curiosity, but his eyes were intense on her face.  
   
Her arms clasped together in front of his chest in a loose hug.  “Motivation.  After all, you are helping me with the important work of our division, aren’t you?”  
   
He smiled and that sadness started to slip out of his eyes.  “Anything for my Nanao-chan.”  
   
“I will give you three guesses about the color of certain personal garments.  If you are correct, your victory will be confirmed with visual evidence.”  She rubbed her cheek against his.  
   
"Even in the office?”  
   
She hesitated.  It was one thing to let him look at her panties in the privacy of home, with all that might follow, but quite another to allow it in the office.  She weighed her professional standards against the sadness she’d seen in his eyes.  “Even in the office.”  Their door had a latch, after all.  
   
“Lovely, lovely Nanao-chan—” He tried to press kisses against her face.  
   
She dodged deftly and walked swiftly back to her own desk.  “Please maintain a professional attitude during working hours, captain.”  
   
He gave her a look that made a blush rise on her cheeks.  “Nanao-chan is naughty today.”  
   
She sniffed at that and flipped through her Eighth Division manual until she found her current page.  They worked quietly through the afternoon.  From time to time she could feel his eyes on her, and she knew he was distracting himself from the ugliness of his war report with contemplations on her undergarments, but she allowed it.  She’d brought such speculation on herself with her motivational offer.  The noises of the division fell off to quiet as daytime working hours ended.  They worked on in silence.  
   
Eventually Shunsui stood, stretching his arms wide.  He said nothing, but he gave Nanao another of those speculative looks as he left the office with his report.  It was only a few minutes before he returned.  He latched the door behind him and sat heavily in the middle of the sofa.  “Nanao-chan,” he called.  
   
She straightened the pages of her manual and laid down her brush.  “You may begin at any time,” she said primly.  She squared herself in her chair and folded her arms on her desk.  Her eyes met his, one of her brows raised.  
   
He grinned.  “I love that you can use that tone even when the topic is the color of your panties.”  
   
“Do you have a guess or not?”  She refused to blush, not when this was her idea and she would be in control of events.  
   
“Pink.”  His eyes were heavy-lidded and alive with sensual interest.  Nanao swallowed.  
   
“No.  That’s one.”  
   
“Hmm.  White.”  
   
“No.  That’s two.”  Her voice dropped into a lower, softer tone in response to his caressing tone.  
   
“Purple.”  
   
“No.  That’s three.  You have no more guesses, and you were not able to guess correctly.”  Nanao leaned back in her chair.  She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or disappointed.  
   
He smiled, slow and wide.  “But Nanao-chan, how can I be certain I’ve lost?  What if there are color variations or multiple colors?  The results need to be verified.”  
   
She frowned.  “You have a point.”  Damn it, he did.  Her sense of fairness nagged at her; she knew that he’d lost, but how could he be sure?  No wonder he’d smiled—he thought that he would get to see her panties regardless of the outcome.  She flattened her hands against her desk and rose from her chair.  “There is no need to show you the original specified garment.  This is a matching set,” she said as she marched to the sofa.  She stood before him, her back straight and her head high.  
   
With one hand she pulled at the neat neck of her uniform until it slid down one shoulder, revealing a thin strap and the top of her camisole.  
   
“Red.”  Shunsui’s eyebrows rose.  “Wait.  How interesting.”  He wrapped huge hands around her waist and drew her closer.  “Red silk.  I bought this for you.  You kept it?”  
   
Now she did blush, despite her resolve.  
   
“Sneaky Nanao-chan, letting me believe that you threw away all my inappropriate gifts, when you were actually wearing them against your skin.”  His hand hooked into the other side of her uniform top and tugged, and then she was standing in the office with nothing heavier than a red silk camisole covering her breasts.  
   
“Many of your lingerie gifts were in very poor taste, and I did get rid of most of them, but—”  
   
“But you liked some of them.  You wanted to wear them.  Silk over a woman’s skin, it’s a beautiful feeling.”  He trailed his fingers over her collarbone.  
   
“I didn’t see the harm, as long as you didn’t know.”  She licked her lips.  
   
He tugged her down to straddle his lap.  “I think if you understood how much leverage the thought of you in lingerie I’ve chosen would have handed you, you would have told me years ago.  The amount of paperwork you could get from me with red silk is tremendous.”  
   
She made a _harrumph_ sound.  “You should do your work because it’s your duty, not because of my panties.”  She brought one hand up to rub at her temples.  “I can’t believe I just said that.”  
   
He laughed, long and low.  “Delightful Nanao-chan.  But you wear bindings sometimes.  I’ve felt them when we spar on Fridays.”  
   
Her flush deepened.  “Well, for sword work, something like this wouldn’t be appropriate, so I wear bindings, but on normal days, I don’t need any bindings, since my bust is—”  
   
“Perky?  Luscious?  Exquisite?”  
   
“Small,” she said flatly.  He grinned and brought his hands up and cupped the assets in question.  
   
“Perfect.”  He rubbed his thumbs over her nipples.  
   
She drew in a sharp breath.  “I shouldn’t allow this behavior.  You didn’t win.”  She frowned at him.  
   
“I know, and I haven’t even had a single glimpse of your panties, which is so sad.  You should take pity on me, Nanao-chan.”  He made a pouty face.  
   
“I have no pity in the office, especially for inappropriate behavior.”  
   
He stood up suddenly, moving his hands under her to hold her up against him.  “Nanao-chan wants to go home?  It’s after working hours, isn’t it?  We were so diligent today.”  He stepped into a shunpo so quick her breath stopped.  
   
She breathed deep and long a few times before noticing their surroundings—the bedroom at his house.  “I will not tolerate this flash stepping without obtaining my agreement.  It’s very annoying.”  She stepped away from him.  His hands lifted from her waist and her uniform dropped to the floor.  
   
“You’re right, Nanao-chan, I’ll tell you next time.”  He tilted his head to better see her panties.  “Beautiful.”  His mouth landed on hers, hot and firm.  
   
She knocked the pink haori off his shoulders and the hat off his head.  Her hands slipped into his gaping uniform and pushed it off his shoulders.  At his waist her hands fought with the numerous ties keeping his clothes on, but she couldn’t hold her focus while he kissed her.  
   
“Let me,” he said against her lips, and shed his garments in a few movements.  
   
Despite his speed in bringing her home, once they were in bed he was slow, as if they had all of eternity to spend exploring each other.  The world shrunk down to the softness of the bed, the roughness of his hands, and the heat of his eyes.  The air was cool and scented with the crispness of autumn, and Nanao knew she would never see fallen leaves again without thinking of Shunsui.  
   
He seemed fascinated by her skin in silk, his lips suckling her breasts through the fabric, his fingers stroking her panties in leisurely patterns.  Nanao urged him to hurry with words and with her nails marking time with small crescents, but he would not be rushed.  He would never be rushed.  
   
Her need and frustration mounted until her teeth closed around his shoulder and she bit him.  His hands tightened on her body in response, and she slid her hips against his palm.  “My Nanao is so impatient,” he murmured.  
   
“You’re slow,” she snapped, and then, in a voice much softer, “Shunsui.”  Her lips landed on his mouth.  
   
He shifted his large hand between her legs, his fingertips touching her through the silk in a way that made the small world spin, and then she shuddered against him, releasing soft cries into his mouth that he swallowed.  
   
When her heartbeats slowed she pushed him down onto his back and rose above him, stretching languidly on her knees.  He followed her movements and her lips curved up at the avid interest in his eyes.  She straddled his abdomen, sitting neatly.  His eyes were not the only part of him feeling avid interest.  She raised one brow at him.  
   
“It’s because Nanao-chan is such a delicious temptation,” he said.  
   
She traced the outlines of his chest muscles, wiggling her bottom a little to angle closer to his face.  His hands grasped her hips.  “But not enough of a temptation, it seems.”  
   
He considered her face closely.  “Nothing could be more tempting than you are.”  
   
“And yet you’ve been holding back.”  She studied his face as he studied hers.  Nanao wanted to remember him like this later, when she couldn’t be with him anymore.  His curling hair brushed back haphazardly from his forehead, his eyes warmed with that emotion she’d identified as possibly love, his strong nose and cheekbones, the lines around his mouth and eyes, the contours of his whiskery jaw, and his wide mouth with those sensual lips.  
   
“We’ve been savoring and enjoying each other.”  His mouth tensed, and she raised her hand to it, running her fingertips over his lips.  
   
“We have.  But why won’t you give me what you’ve given so easily to so many others?”  She leaned down until her face was only a foot from his, resting her weight on her hands on his chest.  
   
He looked away for a moment, and when his eyes met hers again they were serious and sad.  “Because you’re important, Nanao.  Because what’s between us is important.  This isn’t just fun and games.”  
   
Now she was the one to look away.  She nodded once.  The words were hard for her, but he needed them, so she spoke.  “Yes.  What’s between us is important.”  
   
He sighed, the tension easing out of him.  “Then you understand why I want to wait for the ideal moment.  A romantic evening, with a high moon, brilliant stars, perhaps near water, truly a transcendent environment for our love to blossom—”  
   
She laughed softly and brought her hand up to cover his mouth.  “You’re too much sometimes.”  But he’d been so tense.  She stroked his cheek.  “Are you nervous?”  
   
“What?  No, it’s not that.  I just want everything to be perfect for you.  This is very important to me, Nanao-chan.”  
   
She bent her head to kiss him once.  “You’re such a romantic.”  She smiled.  “This is perfect.”  
   
“What?  Now?  No, there should be roses, music—” Worry ran through his eyes.  
   
She clasped his face between her hands, bending to kiss him once, twice.  “No.  This is right.  How could it not be?  This is the world, and we’re the only ones in it.”  
   
His eyes softened.  “Nanao—I don’t know if I can make it perfect for you now.”  
   
She shook her head.  “Perfect is a bad goal anyway.  Perfect is nearly unachievable.  Perhaps you should try for optimal, although I would also accept excellent or superior.”  
   
He chuckled.  “Getting cheeky, Nanao-chan?”  
   
Her brow arched.  She pulled off the camisole with one brisk motion.  
   
He swallowed.  “Nanao-chan,” he said.  “Nanao-chan.”  
   
She leaned down.  “Give me everything.”  She kissed him gently.  Her voice turned soft and cajoling.  “I want everything with you, Shunsui.”  
   
He sighed, and then smiled a little.  “As if I’ve ever been able to deny you anything.”  He kissed her, his hand on the back of her neck.  
   
Nanao felt the world shift and opened her eyes.  He’d flipped them over, and she was covered with his body.  She arched her breasts against his chest and sighed at the lovely friction.  
   
“Nanao.  I love you, Nanao.”  
   
His eyes were full of that same emotion that had puzzled her for so long, but now she accepted fully what she’d realized days ago.  She nodded, just the slightest shift of her head, barely a movement at all.  
   
He breathed in sharply.  His lips were on hers, his body on hers, and she lifted a hand to his face.  He surrounded her.  
   
A long time later, she surrounded him, holding him tightly inside her body, and she thought, _so that’s why this is important_.  He was so close to her; there could be no space between them now.  It didn’t disturb her as she might have expected.  Instead she wanted more, so much more of him.  
   
“Come closer,” she whispered.  His arms tightened around her, his mouth coming back to hers.  She could smell him, taste him, and feel him around her and inside her.  She opened her eyes to see his face.  _I love you_ , she thought, and his eyelids lifted as if she’d spoken out loud.  
   
“Nanao,” he murmured, his hips pushing against hers faster.  
   
“Yes.”  _I love you_ , she thought again, and kissed him.

*************************************************************************  
   
On Thursday afternoon Nanao left work directly after leading her final kidō course.  The division members in her courses were doing very well for the most part.  Seated officers she’d chosen would take over her basic and intermediate courses after she was judged for her crimes, but Shunsui would likely have to lead the advanced course until a new vice captain could be found.  He’d be annoyed by that, but he would do it.  Or perhaps the Eighth’s advanced kidō class could be temporarily joined with the Thirteenth’s class.  That wouldn’t be ideal, since they didn’t have the same schedule, but it could be done.  She made a note to add both options to her manual as soon as possible.  
   
She washed and dressed at home, selecting Living World clothing to follow the SWA’s resolution.  The halter dress in a forest green fabric was simple but appropriate for a party.  Her hair she twirled up into loose bun held with chopsticks.  
   
“Nanao-san!” Rangiku’s voice rang out from the front of the house.  
   
“Come in,” Nanao called.  
   
“Oh, Nanao-san, there you are.  This place is so much larger than your quarters.  I was a little surprised you wanted to meet here.”  Rangiku burst into the bathroom in a burning red dress cut low on top and high on her leg.  
   
“Surprised?” Nanao asked, smoothing her hair.  
   
“It is your captain’s house, isn’t it?” Rangiku said.  She laughed and raised an eyebrow suggestively.  
   
“Oh, Shu—that is, Captain Kyōraku needed continued medical treatment after his checkup with Captain Unohana, and this was the easiest way to guarantee appropriate treatment.”  Nanao’s cheeks flushed despite her best efforts.  Had she become so comfortable here she’d forgotten to care what other people would think?  This wasn’t her house, after all.  
   
“Hmm?  You don’t have to make excuses like that to me, Nanao-san.  We’re friends, aren’t we?”  Rangiku leaned in.  “So, how is it with your handsome captain?  Is he romantic?  Good in bed?  Have you used any of my awesome advice on men?”  
   
“We should get going so that I can check that everything is right at the restaurant.”  
   
“Sure.  Will you answer my questions on the way?”  
   
Nanao marched to the door, stopping to put on her shoes.  “Your questions are very personal and embarrassing, Rangiku-san.”  
   
“Of course they’re personal, that’s the best kind of question!  Come on, Nanao-san, who else are you going to talk about this with?”  
   
“No one.”  Nanao shut the door behind them with a _clack_.  
   
“Exactly.  But you said yourself that you’re new at this kind of relationship.  Don’t you want to review your efforts and get another opinion on things?  You have the opportunity to tap my expertise right now.”  Rangiku endeavored to look interested and innocent, but she was no more capable of looking innocent than Shunsui was.  
   
Nanao sighed.  “I did want to talk to you.  But this stays completely between us.”  
   
“Absolutely.  I’ll tell no one.”  Rangiku tapped her finger against her mouth in a silence gesture.  
   
“And you have to answer any questions I have.”  They walked briskly through the crowded street.  
   
“I promise, I’ll answer any questions.”  Rangiku’s eyes glittered in the sun.  
   
“Good.  First, whose idea was it to get me a riding crop?”  Nanao raised one brow.  
   
“Have you finally decided to take an interest in that fun thing?  I knew it would suit you.  I’m so happy for you, Nanao-san!”  Rangiku burst into a laugh, her eyes crinkling at the corners, and Nanao’s lips turned up in response.  A small chuckle escaped her mouth.   
   
Several shinigami turned to watch the two women, who couldn’t be more different in appearance and personality, walking together, talking and laughing.


	28. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

The party was louder than expected, and Nanao was glad they’d gotten a private room.  There was food and drink piled high on the long table, and members of the SWA sat around it, most of them engrossed in conversation.  Kiyone waved a chicken leg for emphasis as she spoke to her sister Isane, the grease on the chicken precariously close to dripping on Soi Fon’s leg.  Soi Fon didn’t notice the jeopardy of her situation, as she was listening reverently to Yoruichi Shihōin.  
   
Rukia and Hinamori weren’t here, but otherwise it was a full house.  Even Yachiru chattered away at Captain Unohana, drinking tea and eating cookies.  Nanao smiled to herself.  If this was the last time she would be with the SWA, she was glad her association with the group would end on this high note.  The SWA had been an important part of her life for many years and she would be sad when there were no more meetings for her to plan, no more members to wrangle into line, and no more fundraisers to organize.  Her smile slipped a little on her face.  
   
“Nanao-san, I believe I should inform you that the fruit drink that was presented as non-alcoholic is actually full of alcohol.”  Nemu’s soft voice startled Nanao, and she turned her head to face the woman sitting next to her.  She was dressed as a schoolgirl from Karakura town, which confused Nanao slightly; but then, many members had used somewhat liberal interpretations of Living World dress.  Nanao suspected Rangiku had advised Nemu on selecting appropriate attire.  
   
“I’m certain it’s spiked also, Nemu-san, but thank you for telling me.”  Nanao took a sip of the fruit drink in question.  
   
“Is it alright for our members to be unaware their drinks are full of alcohol?”  Nemu tipped her head.  
   
“I’m sure that our members can tell that the drinks are spiked, but even if they don’t realize right away, it’s fine.  I’ve made arrangements for escorts to help any members who overindulge home afterwards.  Besides, it’s a party.”  She smiled a little at Nemu.  
   
“A party?”  Nemu studied the contents of her drink.  “This is the appropriate behavior for a party?”  
   
“At a party, you may behave in a manner outside of your usual one, if you so desire.”  
   
“That’s interesting, Nanao-san.  The normal behavior for a party is abnormal behavior?”  
   
“Hmm.  I don’t know that I would say that.  But we’re among friends, and we’re celebrating our survival of a great battle.  At a time like this, it’s acceptable to relax professional standards.”  Nanao picked up a cake shaped like a maple leaf.  
   
“I see.  I will try to fully embody and experience this ‘party’ behavior.”  Nemu raised her drink and gulped it down.  
   
Nanao’s eyes were drawn to bruises on Nemu’s arm, revealed when she raised her drink and her long sleeves slipped back.  The bruises were clear impressions of fingers; someone had grabbed her arm and squeezed it very hard.  “Nemu-san.”  
   
Nemu followed Nanao’s eyes.  She drew her sleeve down over her wrist.  “It’s unimportant, Nanao-san.  I make so many mistakes, and I could ruin Mayuri-sama’s critical research with my clumsiness.  It’s only natural for him to be angry with me.”  
   
“Nemu-san, you don’t have to accept treatment like this, not even from your father.  If you ever want to leave the Twelfth, you have friends who can help you.  My captain and Captain Ukitake would both help you, and they could easily protect you from your father.  You are an important member of the Gotei 13, and you shouldn’t be abused by anyone.”  Nanao tentatively laid her hand over Nemu’s.  
   
“I have friends?”  Nemu’s eyes were wide.  
   
“Friends.  Nemu-san, when you do activities with the SWA members, when you attend meetings, do you ever feel warm and comfortable in our company?”  
   
Nemu nodded.  “I have felt something like that, sometimes.  I thought perhaps it was a body temperature failure or a chest malfunction, although such problems are unlikely, given my superior construction.”  
   
Nanao smiled.  “That’s a feeling you get when you’re with people you want to be around, and who want to be around you.  That’s a feeling of happiness, and it’s a sign of friendship.  We’re your friends, Nemu-san, all of us.”  She waved a hand at the room.  
   
“But I cannot leave the Twelfth Division.  Mayuri-sama needs me, and even though he can be a monster, he’s my father.”  Nemu looked down at her lap.  
   
Nanao was silent for a long moment.  “I understand, Nemu-san, but if you ever decide you want to leave the Twelfth, please come to me, or if I can’t be found, please go to my captain.  We’ll help you with the necessary arrangements.  Or go to any of the people in this room, or Captain Ukitake, if you can’t find Captain Kyōraku.  More people care about you than you seem to think, Nemu-san.”  
   
Nemu smiled, a very slight upturn of her lips.  “You are very kind, Nanao-san.”  
   
Nanao shook her head.  “That’s not it.  I’m your friend.”  
   
“Thank you, Nanao-san,” Nemu said, and Nanao thought she might have seen the sheen of tears in her eyes, but Nemu looked down for a moment and when she brought her eyes back up to Nanao’s, her face was as serene as a doll’s.  
   
“Look at you two, being so serious!  This is a party, isn’t it?”  Rangiku plopped herself down between them, a cup of fruit drink in her hand.  
   
Nanao smiled.  “I was just telling Nemu-san that we’re her friends.”  
   
Rangiku poked Nemu in the shoulder.  “Of course we’re your friends!  Didn’t you know that already?  Anyway, the games are going to start soon, so you’d better get ready.”  
   
Nanao jumped.  “Games?  What games?  I didn’t plan any games.”  
   
Rangiku grinned.  “I thought you might overlook it, so I took the liberty of preparing some party games for everyone to play.  It’s going to be so much fun.”  She stood and moved to the center of the room, raising her arms for attention.  
   
Nemu leaned towards Nanao.  “Strangely, when Rangiku-san said that, my stomach became unsettled,” she whispered.  
   
“Mine too,” Nanao said.  
   
***********************************************************  
   
The Women’s Association party ran later than Shunsui had expected.  The volume levels from the private room were odd—it would be very quiet for minutes, and then suddenly burst into a loud explosion of shouting and laughing.  
   
“What do you think they’re doing in there?” Ukitake looked at the door to the room curiously.  
   
“Who knows?  If I had to guess, I’d say they might be playing games.  It can’t be anything too bad—Nanao-chan and Retsu-san wouldn’t let something like that happen.”  Shunsui picked up a pork bun and took a bite.  
   
“It’s so late.  I’d be surprised if any of them make it to work on time tomorrow.”  
   
Shunsui shrugged.  “It’s good to be late to work now and then.  It means you have an interesting life.”  
   
“By that measure your life must be exceedingly interesting.”   
   
“Right now, it definitely is.”  The door to the private room opened.  The members of the SWA trickled out, most of them swaying like trees in a strong breeze.  “And getting more interesting by the minute.”  
   
“Indeed.  Ah!”  Ukitake exclaimed as he was accosted suddenly by Kiyone.  
   
“Captain!  Captain Ukitake!  This is my captain!”  She pulled on his sleeve and gestured widely.  
   
“Yes, that’s Captain Ukitake,” Unohana said, smiling indulgently.  
   
Shunsui stepped over to Nanao, whose cheeks were a delightful pink.  “Lovely, lovely Nanao-chan.  It looks like you had a good time at the party.”  
   
“If you are implying that I am drunk, it seems you may be correct.  It is entirely _her_ fault,” she snapped, jerking her head at Rangiku.  
   
“It wouldn’t have happened if you would have just spilled some details, Nanao-san!  This is the price you pay for being so bad at the game!”  Rangiku laughed and stumbled a bit.  Nemu steadied her and Rangiku threw an arm around her.  
   
Nanao sniffed and walked towards the exit with the careful stiffness of a drunk.  Shunsui followed after her, darting a glance back at Ukitake.  
   
“Don’t worry, Kyōraku, we’ll make sure everyone gets home safely.”  Ukitake scratched the back of his head, smiling.  Kiyone had passed out on his feet.  
   
Unohana nodded at Shunsui, and he left the restaurant in time to wrap an arm around Nanao’s waist and save her from a fall.   
   
“There was a rock,” she said.  
   
“Of course, Nanao-chan.  Did you have a good time at the party?”  
   
“Yes, until the last game started.”  She sighed.   
   
“What kind of games did you play, Nanao-chan?”  He shifted his hand until he could rest it on her bare back.  She was elegant and pale in the moonlight, and he thought—not for the first time—that this was the light Nanao belonged in.  
   
“There were no scheduled games.  Rangiku-san prepared games without consulting me.  They were very silly anyway, and they seemed designed entirely to create an excuse for lots of drinking.”  
   
“And my Nanao-chan was bad at the games?  How unusual.”  It was a surprise; Nanao excelled at any intellectual tasks, including most games, when she could be drawn into play.   
   
“I was quite good at the guessing games and word games.  There was only one that presented a problem.  But really, I’m not even sure you can call something where you answer questions or take a drink a game at all; I think Rangiku-san started that one only because most of the other members were no longer capable of the coordinated thought necessary for the linguistic challenges.”  She pressed her glasses up.  Her words were a little slurred at the edges and her movements a bit exaggerated, but otherwise drunken Nanao was just like his everyday Nanao.  
   
Shunsui smiled.  It did raise an interesting question, though.  “What was the game that you failed at?”  
   
She gave him a sharp look over her glasses, ignoring that her feet needed to move to keep walking.  He supported her easily until she remembered to take steps again.  “I did not fail.  Don’t say something like that.  As if I would fail at a stupid party game.  I chose not to answer, which had the unfortunate consequence of this state of inebriation.”  
   
“Of course you didn’t fail.  My mistake.  What did you choose not to answer, Nanao-chan?”  
   
“That’s private,” she said primly, and the light flush on her cheeks went scarlet.  
   
But now he simply had to know.  “Nanao-chan—”  
   
“No.”  
   
“Lovely, lovely Nanao-chan, if you just—”  
   
“I will not.”  
   
“Sweet, precious Nanao-chan, your Shunsui would like to know—”  
   
“Stop asking.”  
   
“But my beautiful Nanao-chan—”  
   
“You’re as bad as Rangiku-san!  I am not talking about that kiss, so stop asking!”  She poked him hard in the chest, her brows drawn together.   
   
“What kiss aren’t you talking about, Nanao-chan?”  He felt a burning curiosity and a small sting in his chest; what if it wasn’t about him?  She’d been inexperienced with men when their relationship started, but that didn’t mean no one else had ever tried to move in on his Nanao.  Men could be very, very stupid, he knew that well, and Nanao was so private.  
   
Her frown deepened when she realized what she’d said.  “Oh, damn.  Damn Rangiku-san, I will seriously hurt her later.  No, I’ll teach Captain Hitsugaya a warding kidō to put around all the sake stashes in the Tenth, so she can’t get into them.”  
   
“You’re scary, Nanao-chan.”  
   
“It’s justice.”  She smiled up at him, small and full of dark intent.  “She deserves to suffer a little.”  
   
“Maybe so.  But you can plan your vengeance later.  What kiss was she asking about?”  
   
She sighed and glanced up at his face, which provoked another sigh.  Her shoulders settled into what he knew to be her resigned posture.  “My first kiss.”  
   
The sting in his chest pricked him, a tiny puncture.  It was unrealistic to imagine that Nanao had never had any involvement with men before, but to actually hear about it was something different.  Hypocritical of him, he knew, given how little effort he’d put into keeping his private life private over the years.  “What was your first kiss, Nanao-chan?”  
   
She looked up at him closely, as if she could hear the sting in his chest through his words, though he was sure his tone had been even and mild.  “It was with you,” she said softly.  
   
The sting left his chest.  “On the porch the night you asked for a relationship?”  
   
“I did not ask you for a relationship.  I merely suggested that if it were mutually agreeable, we could enter a short term trial for a relationship, which is not the same thing at all.”  
   
The difference wasn’t particularly clear to Shunsui, but it was best not to argue these small points with her.  There was nothing wrong with Nanao asking him to have a relationship that he could see, but obviously there was a line in her head that it would cross.  He nodded and said nothing, which seemed safest.  
   
“Anyway it wasn’t about that night.  That would have been fine.  Though it is still very unlikely I would have opted to tell the SWA.”  
   
“Nanao-chan?  Last week was the first time we kissed, wasn’t it?”  He ran through different memories quickly, near misses and kisses to the cheek and hanging moments that went on forever, but he couldn’t find anything that his precise Nanao would call a kiss.  
   
She looked down at the ground.  “This is so embarrassing.  Last week, that wasn’t the first time.  Damn Rangiku-san.  She’s really, really going to pay for this.”  
   
He stopped them on the street and lifted her chin.  “Please tell me, Nanao-chan.  When—”  
   
Her lashes swept down to hide her eyes.  “It was a long time ago.  The first time I went on a date.  You don’t remember.”  
   
It was perhaps twenty years after she became his vice captain, then.  He didn’t remember; there was a blank spot in his memories of that night between when he’d gone out with Ukitake to drown his sorrow at Nanao’s date and when he’d been woken up by Nanao with a glass of cold water on his face, late for an early meeting with Yama-jii.  “I think I’d like the whole story, sweetheart.”  
   
“I know.”  She drew in a deep breath.  “I went on a date with a shinigami from the Fifth Division.  But it’s what happened afterwards that matters.”  
   
 _Twenty Years After Nanao Became Vice Captain_  
   
Nanao hesitated at the entrance to the bar.  She spotted her captain immediately; he was always easy to find in a crowd, his size and attire distinguishing him immediately.  His back was to Nanao, and a flash of white told her he was with Captain Ukitake.  Perhaps it would be best if she just left him and hoped he would make it home on his own.  A sharp elbow to the back sent her stumbling into the room, and she turned her head to give Rangiku a dirty look.  
   
She moved back towards the door, but a flash of movement caught her eye—Captain Ukitake had seen her and was waving her over.  She allowed herself a moment of murderous thought towards Rangiku and then moved through the crowd to the table occupied by Captain Ukitake and Captain Kyōraku.  At the table she stood beside her captain, her back angled towards him.  Ukitake started to speak: “Good evening, Is—”  
   
“Oh?  Ukitake, do you know this ravishing lady?  She must join us, then!  Join us!”  His invitation was full of the pleasure of a happy drunk, and he grasped Nanao’s hand to tug it towards him.   
   
Her back stiffened.  Was she so unmemorable that he could not recognize her shape in a yukata with her hair loose?  He hadn’t seen her face yet, but he should know her anyway, shouldn’t he?  “Captain Kyōraku, if you do not remove your hand from me, I will remove your hand from your body.”  She turned her head to glare at him, adjusting her glasses with one hand.  
   
If anything, the pleasure in his face only increased.  “It’s Nanao-chan!  Lovely, lovely Nanao-chan.  Didn’t you have a date with that boy from Fifth Division?”  
   
“That was hours ago, captain.  Do you know what time it is, sir?  Are you aware that you have a personal meeting with the captain commander in the morning?”  Exasperated, she tried to pull her hand away from his, but he wouldn’t release it.  Nanao suffered the indignity of a brief tug of war before Captain Ukitake stepped in.  
   
“Kyōraku, let go of her hand, you’re being rude to Ise-san.”  He smiled genially, but there was a knowing look in his eyes as he watched them that made Nanao fight down a flush.  
   
“I wouldn’t be rude to Nanao-chan.  I love my Nanao-chan.  Nanao-chan is being cruel to me,” he said, and made a pouty face.   
   
Nanao sighed.  He either hadn’t bothered with or wasn’t capable of keeping his voice down, and several shinigami were regarding them with interest.  “How drunk are you, sir?”  
   
He smiled widely at her.  “Very!”  
   
Ukitake nodded.  “Very,” he said.  “I am sorry, Ise-san, I was unaware he had a meeting in the morning.”  
   
“Please don’t apologize, Captain Ukitake, this is certainly not your fault.”  Nanao studied the crowd, trying to calculate the best way of navigating an extremely drunk captain through the ocean of bodies.  
   
“That’s right, Ukitake, it’s not your fault.  It’s Nanao-chan’s fault!”   
   
Nanao turned to face him, her eyes narrowed.  Her captain was smiling at her and his voice was cheerful, but underneath there was an edge she hadn’t noticed before.  “Please refrain from blaming your actions on me, sir.  Can you stand?”  
   
He stood, his huge frame dwarfing her.  “Nanao-chan.”  
   
“Please excuse us, Captain Ukitake.  I am sorry to have interrupted your evening.”  Nanao bowed slightly to him.  
   
“Not at all.  Ah, Ise-san?  Please don’t be too hard on him.”  Ukitake smiled and scratched the back of his head.  
   
Nanao flushed and nodded stiffly.  He made it sound as if she were an aggrieved woman instead of a professional vice captain.  
   
She led Captain Kyōraku through the bar with a firm grip on his haori.  He followed her without a protest, ignoring the calls and waves from people he knew.  Outside of the bar Nanao walked him to a quieter section of the street to evaluate his condition.  His cheeks were reddened and he swayed a bit on his feet, like a tall tree in the wind.  Shunpo might be risky in his condition; he could flash step so far and so quickly that without a clear head he could end up out in Rukongai passed out in a dangerous district, or lost in Seireitei miles from his intended destination.  “We’ll walk.”  
   
Captain Kyōraku stuck an arm out expectantly, but Nanao raised an eyebrow and sighed so that he would know she disapproved of this.  Yet she still allowed him to throw his arm over her shoulders while she braced her arm around his waist.  He impeded their progress by leaning over to sniff at her head.   
   
“What are you doing?”  
   
“Nanao-chan smells good.”  
   
“You do not,” she snapped, and it was true; he smelled of sake and cheap perfume and smoked foods, just as the bar had.  
   
“Nanao-chan’s hair is down.”  
   
“So?”  
   
“Nanao-chan is wearing a lovely yukata.”  
   
“I may wear whatever I please after working hours, sir.”  
   
“Nanao-chan looks so beautiful.”  The arm over her shoulders shifted to allow his hand to stroke the fabric of her sleeve.  
   
Nanao swallowed, uncertain.  
   
“Nanao-chan didn’t dress up for me.  Nanao-chan dressed up for that scrawny boy with the bad haircut in the Fifth Division.”  
   
“His name is Hajime-san.”  
   
“Oh?  And how was Nanao-chan’s date with Hajime-san?”  He halted suddenly, and Nanao was thrown off-balance.  She didn’t fall, of course; he caught her easily, even in his drunken state.  
   
“We’re going,” she snapped.  She tried to urge him forward by tugging on his waist.  
   
“But I want to know about Nanao-chan’s date.”  
   
“You can be so ridiculous.”  Still, he would not move.  Nanao sighed heavily for his benefit, but he was untouched.  He was capable of an incredible level of persistence and patience, and she weighed the irritation of placating his curiosity with her desire to get him home soon so that she could go to bed for a few hours.  “Hajime-san was perfectly nice.”  
   
“Are you going to keep dating that boy?”  There was a dark thread under his idle curiosity, the same edge she’d noticed in the bar.  
   
“Whether I have a relationship with Hajime-san or not, you may rest assured that my work will be unaffected.”  She glanced at his face, but it was covered in shadows.  
   
“He’s not worth having a relationship with if your work would be unaffected, Nanao-chan.”  
   
“I don’t understand your meaning.  Personal relationships of any kind have never impacted my work.  Can we please go now, captain?”  She walked a few steps, trying to move him forward.  
   
“When you have a lover, Nanao-chan, even a person as responsible as you should be late to work sometimes.  If you aren’t, then you don’t have a very good lover.”  He’d allowed her to start walking him again, though the pace was slow.  
   
“This is an inappropriate conversation for us to have.”  She was sure her face was red; she couldn’t talk about this, not with him, not when he was the man in her secret dreams.  
   
“On the contrary, Nanao-chan, this is an important conversation for us to have, since you are now seeking a lover.”  
   
A few people were passing them on the road, and Nanao waited until they were gone to answer.  “Are you _insane_?  I am not seeking a lover,” she hissed.  
   
“But you’re seeing this boy, Hajima—”  
   
Now she stopped in the road.  “I am not seeing Hajime-san.  I went on one date—one date—with him.”  
   
“You said you liked him.”  
   
“I did not!  I said he was perfectly nice.”  Her teeth were gritted so tightly her jaw popped on some of the words.  
   
“Exactly.  That means you’ll date him again.  Then you’ll be seeing each other, and you’ll be lovers—”  
   
Nanao clamped her hand over his mouth so hard her skin made a _slap_ against his.  “Stop.  Stop now.  This is so inappropriate there aren’t even words for how incredibly inappropriate this is.  We are not talking about this.  We are not.”  
   
She gradually pulled her hand away from his mouth and stepped back to his side to brace him for walking.  They moved forward in silence for several minutes.  
   
“Ukitake says I have to allow this if it’s what you want.”  He sounded dubious about his friend’s advice.  
   
“Dating isn’t something I require your permission for, captain.”  They were nearly to the Eighth Division, though their pace was so slow that it might still take long minutes to arrive.  
   
“Nanao-chan is breaking my heart.”  His tone was so solemn that she felt his words like a sword through her chest.  Did he really mean that?  Sometimes when he drank he would become sentimental; even if the words rang true, as these ones did, he could simply mean he wanted her to stay a child.  The sword plunged a little deeper into her at that thought.  
   
Still, it hurt her to cause him suffering; unlike his empty floral declarations, her love was real and strong, however much she might wish it to be otherwise.  No amount of dating would change the loyalty of her heart.  She coughed to relieve the tightness of her throat.  “You’re making too much out of nothing.  I didn’t even want to go on the date.”  
   
At this he focused intently on her face, but she would not turn to him; let him decipher whatever he liked from her profile.  “You didn’t want to go?”  
   
“Rangiku-san insisted it would be good for me.”  She didn’t add the other part of Rangiku’s argument: that Nanao should try to move past her love for Captain Kyōraku if she wouldn’t act on it.  
   
“Rangiku-san?  But you said the boy was nice.”  
   
“He was nice.  He was also dull, fascinated by ornithology, and he corrected my manners at dinner.”  
   
“Unforgivable,” her captain said, and his voice was full of relief and amusement.  
   
“I will not be seeing Hajime-san again, not because of your objections, but because I do not wish to see him again.”  Nanao was tremendously grateful to reach the Eighth Division gates; she sighed when they entered the courtyard.  
   
“Absolutely, Nanao-chan.  A man who corrects a woman at dinner has no chivalry at all.”  She could hear the smile on his face in his words.  
   
Nanao shook her head and tried to calculate the odds that he would not remember this conversation in the morning.  It was more than a fair chance; to be too drunk for shunpo required a very heavy level of drinking that her captain rarely entered.  Occasionally anniversaries of some past event would drive him to this—he was particularly bad around the date of Vice Captain Yadōmaru’s disappearance—but there was nothing like that at this time of year.  Would he really have done this because of Nanao?  
   
At his division quarters she opened the door for him and helped him into the entryway.  He fumbled with his sandals so she leaned him on a wall and bent to remove his shoes.  
   
“Nanao-chan?”  
   
“Yes, captain?”  
   
“Are you going to go on more dates?”  
   
She looked up at him in surprise, but she couldn’t make out his expression in the dim light.  She could only see the dark brilliance of his eyes.  “I don’t know,” she said.  
   
Suddenly he’d moved faster than her eyes could follow, and now she was pressed against the wall and he was leaning over her, his hands resting on the wall over her head.  Her heart fluttered in her chest.  “Lovely, lovely Nanao-chan.”  
   
“What are you doing?” she asked, trying to sound sharp but sounding breathless instead.  
   
“Did that boy kiss you?”  
   
“This is so inappropriate.”  Nanao crossed her arms under her breasts.  She needed to walk away, but he brought his hand up to her face and stroked her cheek.  
   
“Did he kiss you?”  His voice was tender and full of mysteries.  
   
“No,” she whispered.  
   
His other hand came up to stroke her other cheek, so that he cradled her face in his hands.  “Have you ever been kissed?”  
   
Her eyes stared at his chest, refusing to meet his gaze.  She did not answer.  
   
“So you haven’t.  But if you keep going on dates, some callow boy is going to drop his lips on yours like a fat slug and call it a kiss.  That’s not what a kiss is, Nanao-chan.  A kiss should be something special.  It should be a shared moment.”  
   
Her eyes lifted to meet his.  He looked surprised for an instant by whatever he saw there, and then he smiled.  His intent was clear, and Nanao knew that if she wanted to stop him, she should push him away now.  
   
His lips touched hers.  She enjoyed how warm and soft his lips felt.  He moved his mouth over hers, slowly and tenderly.  There was an electricity between them she’d never felt with anyone else.  Although Nanao had never been kissed before, she believed that this was a perfect moment, a perfect kiss.   
   
Her fingers loosened their grip on her arms and she tentatively reached for him, her hands hovering over his chest like cautious hummingbirds.  Her heart swelled in her ribcage with the pleasure and the possibilities of this touch from the man she loved.  His tongue dipped just enough inside her mouth to taste her flavor, but it was otherwise a chaste, sweet kiss.  
   
He pulled back and studied her face.  “Mmm.  Nanao-chan is delicious.  Melon on your lips and dango in your mouth.”  He caressed her face with his hands.  
   
“I got dango with Rangiku-san after my date.”  She felt wonderful and fearful, like she was balanced on a thin wire.  
   
“Hajimou-san.  At least that boy will never have your first kiss.  I’m glad that it’s mine forever, Nanao-chan.”  He smiled at her, but her heart dropped and she fell off that thin wire.  He hadn’t kissed her because of an overwhelming love.  He’d kissed her out of some baffling possessiveness, or perhaps a competitive need to win over other men.  
   
“You’re so selfish,” she said, and ducked under his arm.  
   
“Maybe.  But a first kiss is important, Nanao-chan.  Everyone should have a good one.  Now you’ll think of me when you think of being kissed.”  
   
Her eyes stung.  “You should go to bed.”  
   
He swayed when he walked away from the wall and she reluctantly moved to brace him.  That he was still so drunk after such a long walk made her a little concerned.  Should she bring him to the Fourth?   
   
In his bedroom she let him drop onto the bed.  “You’re angry with me.  Because I kissed you?”  He plucked his hat off and flung it into a corner.  
   
“Yes.”  That wasn’t exactly right, but she was not going to humiliate herself by explaining further.  She went into the bathroom and filled a glass of water.  
   
“I don’t want you to be angry with me, Nanao-chan.  What if I promise not to kiss you again until you’ve kissed me?”  He yawned, loud and long.  
   
She had trouble speaking over the wall of tears in her throat.  “That’s ridiculous.”  
   
“It’s not.  If I wait for you to kiss me, then I’ll know for certain that you want my love.  So I promise, Nanao-chan, that I won’t kiss you again until you’ve kissed me.”  
   
She set the water a safe distance from the bed.  “You have a meeting in less than five hours.  Please get some sleep, because I will be back for you very soon.”  She kept her face turned away from him, but he didn’t respond at all to her words.  
   
Nanao darted a glance at him.  His eyes were closed and his breathing even.  The sting in her eyes had grown impossible to hold back at his promise.  How dare he toy with her emotions?  It was cruel, taunting her about wanting his love when he had no such feelings to offer her.  She knelt beside the bed.  “You idiot,” she said.  She was crying, something that she’d rarely done in her life.  To have her heart inflated with hope and then popped hurt unbearably.  “I shouldn’t have believed you, not even for a moment.”  _One perfect moment_.  She crossed her arms under her breasts, clutching her biceps with her hands.   
   
She tried to push back her tears, but that only made them bottle up in her chest and escape in quiet sobs.  His face stayed serene.  He did not wake up.  She pressed one hand against her chest, but there was no wound on her body to staunch.  She bent over his face, willing him to look at her, but her tears fell on his cheeks and he only huffed a sigh in his sleep.  
   
Her heart compelled her down and her lips touched his in a salty, uneven kiss.  She stayed there for several moments and her tears ran down his face, but he never stirred.  Finally she lifted herself away from him, standing drunkenly.  “You idiot,” she said again, but this time it was directed at herself.  Her sobs stopped but her tears still flowed, evidence of the damage to her heart.   
   
He’d taken her first kiss, but she’d given him her second.  She must never allow him another.  He would shatter her heart into pieces without ever meaning to hurt her.


	29. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Shunsui stared at Nanao’s bent head.  She’d been looking up at him before she’d told him the story of their kiss, but now she watched the street beneath her feet with great interest.  She seemed more sober than she’d been when they left the restaurant, though whether that was because of the long walk or the unhappy memory she’d shared he wasn’t sure.  He had no trouble believing that things had happened the way Nanao said they had—it matched what little he remembered of that night and what Ukitake had told him later.  But there was one thing he wondered.  “Why didn’t you tell me before?”  
   
Nanao made a disdainful noise.  “Because the events weren’t humiliating enough as they were?  I should have told you in the morning that you had a lapse of sanity and kissed me, but found it dull enough to promise never to do it again?  Or perhaps I should have told you that I was pathetic enough to be reduced to tears over it?”  She made a horizontal slicing gesture with her hand.  “No.  You didn’t remember, and I was grateful for that, after I’d had time to consider the matter.  If you’d remembered, or if I’d told you, you would have apologized for the kiss and you’d have promised yet again to never kiss me.”  
   
“And that would have upset you?”  The answer was obvious but Shunsui asked the question anyway.  Often the words that someone would reply were not the most valuable information to be gained from a question.  
   
“Do you even understand what humiliation feels like?  If I’d told you, even if I tried to cut things out or hide them, you would still have known that I’d let you kiss me, that I’d wanted—it wouldn’t matter if I’d have said the words or not, you would still have known.  You see too much.”  Her brows were drawn together and her lips turned down.  
   
He’d hurt her that night.  Not only that, but a conclusion was coming together in his mind, one that made him wince further.  “Nanao-chan, you didn’t want to tell me because you thought I’d kissed you out of jealousy and then rejected the idea of ever kissing you again?”  
   
She looked away, another lock of hair slipping from her chopsticks.  Her steps were uneven but he held her upright easily with his arm around her waist.  “Isn’t it obvious?  I shouldn’t have ever told you.  I don’t know why I told you now.”  
   
He refrained from the rare opportunity to return a lecture to her she’d frequently given him about the unfortunate effects of too much alcohol.  It wasn’t really his style anyway.  “Nanao-chan, what would have happened if I’d said something different after we kissed?  If I’d told you ‘I love you’ instead?”  
   
She glanced up at him, startled, and he read the surprise in her eyes and something else, something vulnerable and liquid.  
   
The conclusion he’d been working on clicked together in his mind and his heart ached in his chest.  “You would have accepted me as your lover then.  You would have started a relationship with me.”  
   
She flushed and looked at the moon, the street, anywhere but his face.  “I was very young then,” she said in a small voice.  
   
“And after that night?”  His words sounded rough.  He already knew what she would say, but he wanted to hear it from her lips anyway, to take the exact measure of what he had thrown away without realizing it.  
   
“I was more careful after that.  I didn’t let you have an inch without a battle.  You would never hurt me deliberately, I know.  But without ever intending to, you could have—I had to protect myself.”  Her hands closed into small fists.  
   
Decades.  He could have had decades with her, but instead they’d spent those years dueling over how close he was permitted to sit to her, whether his hand on her shoulder was an acceptable touch, which meals they could share together, and myriad other small issues on the periphery of their relationship, rarely reaching the core issues separating them.  
   
He’d known for years that Nanao was hesitant to trust him with her heart, but he hadn’t realized that he’d given her what amounted to a rejection after her first kiss.  That wasn’t what he’d intended, of course, and if he’d been sober he would have been able to salvage that moment, to give her the reassurance of his love that would have eased her, but instead he’d passed out and forgotten one of the pivotal moments of their relationship.  
   
Idiot.  
   
Given what had happened it was more surprising to him that Nanao had ever been willing to give him a chance for a romantic relationship.  She must really—  
   
He stopped suddenly.  Nanao tripped and he caught her lightly with his arm around her waist.  He lifted her up into his arms, and her hands came up to grip the sides of his gaping uniform top.  “What are you doing?” she asked, and that frown was still on her face.  
   
“I’m going to say something to you, and I want you to believe me, Nanao-chan.  I love you, and I loved you when I took your first kiss.  I’m sorry for what happened afterwards, that I hurt you, that I didn’t remember.”  
   
She flinched, turning her head into his chest to hide her face.  “I don’t want to talk about it.”  
   
“I’m apologizing for my poorly chosen words and for forgetting.  But I’m not going to apologize for kissing you.”  
   
Her head turned up so she could meet his gaze, her eyes very wide and very violet.  “What?”  
   
“I’m glad that your first kiss was with me, sweetheart.  I’m glad that it was a shared moment between us.”  
   
Her eyes drifted closed.  “It was a good kiss,” she whispered.  
   
“That’s why we’re going to do it again.  I’m going to shunpo now.”  He jumped lightly into shunpo, reaching his house with a single step.  
   
“Do the kiss again?”  Nanao breathed deeply.  She always had a little difficulty adjusting after a shunpo jump, especially when he carried her.  
   
He dropped her gently on her feet, holding onto her waist with one arm.  The entryway of his house was larger than the one at his quarters in the division, but it would do.  He leaned Nanao against the wall and knelt to remove her shoes, then his.  
   
“Yes, we’re going to do your first kiss over.”  He stood and braced one hand on the wall beside her head.  His other hand stroked over the curve of her cheek.  
   
“You can’t do something like that over.  It’s a singular event.”  She blinked up at him.  
   
He smiled.  “We’ll recreate it, then.  Only this time, everything will go as it should have the first time, not just the kiss.”  
   
Her mouth formed a small O.  “Why?”  
   
“So that we can both share the memory, and it can be a good one, instead of bittersweet.”  Her brows were still drawn together.  He brought his hand off the wall and down to her cheek so that her face was cradled in his hands.  His lips paused a breath away from hers.  “Sweet Nanao-chan.”  
   
Her eyelids drifted down and her lips parted.  He brushed his lips against hers once, twice, gentle and soft.  She tasted of plums—after all these years, she still wore the same flavored beeswax from the Rukongai—and he slipped his tongue just slightly between her parted lips.  Her mouth was rich with the fruity drinks she’d had and the pastries she’d eaten.  His Nanao had a love of sweets she tried to keep quiet, but he’d known for years.  
   
She made a protesting noise and followed his lips when he broke their kiss, which made him smile.  He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs.  “Nanao-chan,” he murmured, and she opened her heavy eyes to look at him.  “I love you.”  
   
Her eyes softened further, her cheeks pinked, and she pulled on his shoulders, trying to draw him back down to her.  
   
He resisted.  “What would you have said back to me, if I told you I loved you then?”  
   
She shook her head once.  “I wouldn’t have known what to say.  I wouldn’t have said anything.”  She tugged on his shoulders again.  
   
He yielded to the pull of her small hands and came back to her lips.  This kiss was deeper, but still gentle.  Nanao rose on her toes to add more force to the kiss, her tongue small but bold in his mouth.  Her hands drifted inside his clothes and slid down the muscles of his stomach.  When they parted for air he nibbled at her earlobe.  “My Nanao-chan is so impatient.  Something like this should be savored.”  
   
He lifted her up and carried her into the bedroom.  She sighed at him, her eyes brilliant in the moonlight.  “You always act as if we have forever, as if there are days without end for us, but you don’t know if that’s the truth.  I want to fit as much into our time as I can.”  
   
She slipped out of his arms when he knelt on the futon.  That lovely green dress came off.  She reached for the edge of her white panties, but he stopped her with a hand.  “Leave that to me.”  
   
Nanao grasped one of his sleeves.  “Take this off.  And your hair, please take the tie out.”  She removed her chopsticks and stacked them next to the bed, with her glasses on top of those.  It made him smile to see her things so neat in his space, to see her so neat in his bed.  He wanted to dishevel her.  But first—  
   
“It’s true that I don’t know how much time we’ll have together.  But Nanao-chan, I want to have days without end with you.  I want to wrap you in my love forever.”  
   
She lay back on the bed, watching him disrobe.  “You’re such a romantic,” she said, but her voice was soft, not chiding as it usually was when she made statements like that.  
   
“What about you, beautiful Nanao-chan?  What do you want in your forever?”  Naked, he propped himself up on an elbow beside her, stroking her face with his free hand.  
   
Her eyelids fluttered down and she drew them up again, very slowly.  She didn’t speak for several moments, and when she did, it was a bare whisper.  “I want to stay with you.”  
   
He stopped breathing.  He’d told himself for years that Nanao cared about him, that she would accept his love someday, that even if she could never say any words of affection it wouldn’t matter, but hearing this confession from her lips brought everything inside him to a standstill.  He forced himself to breathe.  It was hard to speak, and he swallowed a few times before any sound came from his throat.  “Then we want the same forever, Nanao.  That’s truly something to savor.”  
   
Her fingers played with his hair.  “To savor—” she murmured, with her eyes unusually dreamy.  
   
The future was in darkness, as always, and he could not see what obstacles and terrors might arise, but he still smiled.  Now he had Nanao beside him, in his bed, in his home, in his heart.  Whatever might happen, they would face it together.  He thought of the past, the false starts and misunderstandings.  They could face that together too, and put it to rest.  “Will you accept my love, Nanao?” he asked.  He laid his head on the pillow, bringing his face close to hers.  
   
Her small hand came up to caress his jaw.  “Idiot.  Did you forget already?  I gave this kiss to you back then.  You like to make me repeat myself,” she said in that delicious bedroom voice.  He grinned and opened his mouth to speak, but her mouth pressed against his and her hand tangled in his hair.  
   
“Some things are worth repeating,” he whispered near her ear, and savored the shiver that ran down her body, the way he intended to savor every part of this moment.  In cold and bloody times he would pull this moment up like a lamp against the icy darkness, letting the light warm him from within.  
   
**********************************************************************  
   
It took at least ten minutes to organize the SWA group enough to leave the restaurant.  Jūshirō carried Kiyone, Nemu supported Rangiku, and Isane stood with Retsu.  Soi Fon and Yoruichi leaned on each other, Soi Fon attempting to look as dignified as possible.  Their group made its way slowly out onto the street, pausing for Isane to adjust her shoes.  “Living World styles are so difficult to walk in,” she said.  
   
“But so sexy!” Rangiku spun to face Isane while making her point and would have overbalanced her way onto the ground if Nemu hadn’t held her upright.  “Thanks, Nemu-san.  You’re a good friend.”  She slung her arm over Nemu’s shoulders.  
   
They plodded on, stopping at the Second Division for Soi Fon and Yoruichi.  “Good night, ladies.  It’s been fun.”  Yoruichi flipped back her hair and then strode through the gates, a wobbly Soi Fon straggling behind.  The captain of the Second made an admirable, if only somewhat successful, effort to appear sober and scowling in front of the members of the Second on night watch.  
   
Rangiku sang a variation on a very dirty drinking song Jūshirō had heard many times from Kyōraku, about a most unfortunately named girl and her misadventures in a bar.  He shifted Kiyone in his arms.  She was a small woman, but carrying her to the Thirteenth was against the advice of his healers, if Retsu’s side glances were taken into account.  He did regret a bit insisting on carrying her home, but it had been the proper thing to do.  
   
At the Third Division Rangiku pulled away from Nemu.  “I’m going to have a few more drinks with Kira, he won’t be sleeping.  Let’s do this again soon,” she said, chasing any clouds off her face with a wide grin.  
   
Kira was probably awake—Jūshirō had a feeling that neither of two that Gin had left behind got enough sleep of late.  Soul Society was fully inhabited by spirits, but it was always the ghosts that couldn’t be seen, only felt, that really haunted the night.  
   
Jūshirō had long experience with such ghosts.  
   
He bit down the need to cough as they approached the Fourth Division, but a ragged gulp still escaped his throat.  Retsu studied him with her dark eyes, their sharpness not softened by her smile.  “Ukitake-san, we’ll take Kiyone-san with us.  She can stay with her sister tonight.”  
   
“Don’t worry, Retsu-san, I can certainly take her to her own quarters—”  
   
“Ukitake-san, we’ll take Kiyone-san with us.  She’s had a great deal of alcohol, and Isane will be able to help her if she has any problems.”  Retsu’s smile notched tighter on her face.  She was truly the most intimidating captain in the Gotei 13; Jūshirō could admit that freely, when she wasn’t within hearing range.  
   
“Of course, Retsu-san, you’re right.”  He handled his bundle of Third Seat off to Retsu, relieved that he wouldn’t have to carry her all the way to the Thirteenth.  It would have been chivalrous to do so, but chivalry was exhausting.  
   
“Good night, Ukitake-san, Nemu-san,” Retsu said, and she was echoed by Isane as they retreated into the Fourth.  He breathed a sigh of relief, rubbing at the sore spot on his chest marking his newest injury.  The skin was tight and itchy.  
   
“Are you well enough to continue, Captain Ukitake?”  He was surprised to hear Nemu speak.  She’d been so still he’d forgotten for a moment that she was there.  
   
“I’m fine, Kurotsuchi-san.”  He smiled at the woman.  What in the world was she wearing—some kind of school uniform?  The skirt was bordering on obscene, although it did showcase Nemu’s long legs.  She was really a beautiful woman, something he’d barely noticed before, but now saw clearly.  Rangiku must have been somehow involved in this outfit; it was the only thing that made sense.  
   
She cocked her head.  “Your health is not fully restored.”  
   
He scratched the back of his head.  “Maybe not, but let’s not talk about it so close to the Fourth Division.  I wouldn’t want Captain Unohana to drag me back to the hospital.  Shall we go, Kurotsuchi-san?”  
   
She hesitated for a moment, and then began to walk just behind him.  “Captain Ukitake, it is my preference to be called Nemu.  Please use my name, if you wish to do so.”  
   
“Oh, um—” he paused, surprised.  
   
“If it makes you uncomfortable—”  
   
“No—no, it doesn’t.  Nemu-san.”  How odd it was to be on a moonlit walk with a woman, alone.  When was the last time he’d been alone with a woman that wasn’t Kiyone and wasn’t applying healing kidō or feeding him medicine?  He couldn’t even recall.  
   
“Are you certain, Captain Ukitake?  I make many people uncomfortable.  They find me uncanny and are disturbed by my origin.  I have heard this said about me many times—it is a very regular occurrence.  There is no necessity for you to accompany me home if you do not wish to do so, Captain Ukitake.  I am capable of returning alone to the Twelfth, as I am not incapacitated by alcohol and unable to use shunpo safely.”  
   
“You’ve heard people say that about you?”  He turned around, startled.  
   
“My hearing is superior to that of most beings.”  She watched him with interest.  
   
He stopped moving, placing a hand on her forearm.  Her green eyes widened.  “You don’t make me uncomfortable, Nemu-san.”  That was a bit of a lie, but she wasn’t making him uncomfortable for the reasons she imagined, and it would be rude to let her think that he didn’t want to spend time with her.  “And it’s my pleasure to walk you home.  What could be better than the conversation of an intelligent woman on a moonlit night?”  He’d borrowed a bit from Shunsui there, imperfectly, but it seemed to work.  
   
She cocked her head again, studying him, and then gave a slight nod and a slighter smile.  “As you wish, Captain Ukitake.”  
   
They walked past the Fifth and Sixth at a leisurely pace.  He’d slowed until Nemu had accepted walking beside him without comment.  “The party that you attended—did you enjoy it?”  
   
“Yes.  It was pleasant to eat and play games with the other members of the SWA.  I experience happiness in their company, although I do not always understand their interactions.  Nanao-san and Rangiku-san have increased my understanding over time.”  
   
He chuckled.  “Nemu-san, if you always understood other people, you’d be the only one in the world that does.  Even if you’ve been friends with someone for thousands of years, they can still surprise you.”  Hadn’t Shunsui surprised him tonight, when he’d told Jūshirō what he’d planned?  
   
“You are speaking now of Captain Kyōraku, as I would infer, or of someone else?  You are renowned for having many friends.”  She turned her head to see his profile.  
   
“Kyōraku, mostly.  I wouldn’t use a word like renowned to describe me—but I do know many people, that is true.”  
   
She nodded.  “So you have an expertise in the area of relations described by the term friendship.”  
   
Jūshirō bent his head enough to see her guileless eyes.  “Expertise is a strong word, but I do have a lot of experience with friendship, yes.  Is there something you’d like to ask me, Nemu-san?”  
   
Her red lips parted, but it was several moments before she spoke.  “Nanao-san said that she is my friend, and Rangiku-san said that all of the members of the SWA are my friends.  Can you tell me, please, what the requirements of this scenario are for me?”  
   
He blinked several times, but she continued to watch him with that serene expression.  “The requirements?  Nemu-san, friendship is not a scenario, it’s a relationship.  And it doesn’t have requirements.”  
   
“A relationship.  Yes, I understand that concept.  But can you please explain to me the parameters of such a relationship?”  She clasped her hands together in front of her.  
   
“Nemu-san, that’s not how it works.  Every friendship, every relationship, really, is different.”  He scratched his head again.  
   
“This is making you uncomfortable?  I am sorry, Captain Ukitake.  Please disregard my questions.”  She turned to face the street, walking with an exactness that was still graceful.  
   
He sighed.  “You aren’t making me uncomfortable, and even if you were, that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking.  If I want to stop something, I’ll say so.”  
   
She glanced at him from the corner of her eyes.  “If it is acceptable to you, I wish to understand what it means to be friends.  What are my obligations?  What is the normal behavior of friends?”  
   
Answering her questions could give her bad advice, but not answering them might lead her to ask others that could give her even more inappropriate information.  He shuddered to think what her father might tell her about relationships or friendships.  “This is just general information, alright?  There are specifics in every relationship that aren’t covered by this.”  
   
She nodded, so he continued.  “Friendship is about companionship with people you like.  You’ll talk together, give each other advice and help when the other person needs it, and you’ll accept their advice and help sometimes, when they give it.  That’s very important, too.”  
   
“What types of help do friends offer?”  
   
“It depends on how close you are, but it could be all kinds of things—moving furniture, help with work, protecting their backs in fights, verbal and physical.  Friends make all kinds of sacrifices, large and small.”  It was strange to try to explain this to someone.  He darted a look at her face to see if she understood.  
   
“Why?”  
   
“Why?  What do you mean?”  
   
She looked up at him, her brows drawn together very slightly.  “What benefits does friendship offer that people will give so much for it?”  
   
He considered his answer for several moments before speaking.  “It varies, depending on the friendship, but underneath I suppose it’s about not facing the world alone.  Friends are people who stand together in adversity.  It’s adds value to your life to have friends.”  
   
“Thank you, Captain Ukitake.  Your data is clarifying.”  She frowned.  
   
“What is it, Nemu-san?”  He wanted to get this right, for her sake.  She deserved to have friends, and to know what that meant for her.  
   
“Nanao-san and Captain Kyōraku are having sex.”  
   
“ _What?_ Now?  Do you mean now?”  He glanced around to see if they’d strayed closer to Kyōraku’s house than he’d thought, but they were miles away.  
   
“I have no particular knowledge of their activities as of this minute, but I could obtain that information if you wish to have it.”  
   
“No, don’t do that!  That’s not necessary.”  His face felt warm; was he blushing?  He felt more unnerved than he had in a very long time.  
   
“You were unaware of their sexual activities?  I am surprised by this, given your friendship with Captain Kyōraku.”  Her eyes were still guileless, but he’d definitely lost control of the conversation.  
   
“No, I am aware, but—perhaps you could explain why you bring that up now?”  
   
“I am hypothesizing regarding the distinction between the relationship of friendship and the relationship of lovers.  Rangiku-san has informed me that sex is what sets lovers apart from friends.  However, that cannot be the sole defining factor, because people have sex with others that they do not regard as their lovers.  In this example that I am considering, Captain Kyōraku is well-known to have had sex with many people, but those people did not have the romantic relationship with him that Nanao-san does.  So I must wonder what the additional element is that distinguishes that relationship from other sexual interactions by Captain Kyōraku?”  
   
Jūshirō coughed, raising a hand to cover his mouth.  Kyōraku’s reputation for womanizing was apparently strong enough to reach even the most socially-inexperienced person in Seireitei.  Given what his friend wanted now with Nanao, that would probably make him cringe if Jūshirō told him.  “While it is possible to have sex with people and not consider them important relationships or use the term lover or anything like that, it is not something I would recommend.  It’s hollow, interaction like that.  Yes, you have the pleasure of sex, but it isn’t accompanied by the closeness that comes from a serious romantic relationship.  The difference between friendship and romantic relationships isn’t about sex, really, it’s about the feelings between the people involved.  Ise-san and Kyōraku have very deep feelings of romantic love for each other.  That’s what makes their relationship different from friendship.  Friends can have very strong feelings for each other, even love each other, but it’s a different type of emotion than the one between lovers.”  He coughed again.  
   
“I comprehend some, but not all, of your explanation.  What are the symptoms of love?  How would one distinguish this feeling from that of happiness, or pleasure?”  She tipped her serene face up to the moon.  The light made her pale features more striking than she’d seemed in the dim restaurant.  She was really an attractive woman.  He dropped his eyes to the ground.  
   
“Well—that’s—” he paused, coughing again.  Once he’d started, he couldn’t seem to stop.  Nemu stepped close to him, studying his face and body as he coughed into his hand.  
   
“Perhaps it would be prudent for you to return to the Fourth Division, Captain Ukitake.  I will offer you my assistance with shunpo; I am able to support your weight.”  
   
After the coughing fit passed he moved to the edge of the street to lean on a wall.  “I’m not going to the hospital tonight.  This happens all the time.  They won’t do much more for me than I can have at home right now.”  
   
“You wish to return home, Captain Ukitake?”  
   
“Yes.”  He sighed in relief, only to be surprised by the feeling of Nemu’s body pressing into his side and her hand lifting one of his arms over her shoulders.  Her other arm wrapped around his back; she was warmer than he’d expected in the cool autumn night.  
   
“I will assist you, then.”  She jumped into shunpo, and then they were at his home.  
   
He wasn’t going to complain when she hadn’t tried to push him back to the Fourth.  “Around the back, there’s a door—it’s my bedroom.”  She walked him into his large bedroom, releasing her hold on him.  
   
Jūshirō stood in his bedroom, watching her move around it.  She was either unfamiliar with appropriate etiquette in someone’s home, or ignoring it—she studied his personal space with obvious interest.  He imagined that she had no sense of appropriate etiquette because no one in her home had ever treated her with any.  He felt a flash of anger at that; everyone deserved to be treated with respect.  
   
“This is a medicinal tea?” she asked, lifting an empty cup he’d had in bed earlier.  
   
“Yes, it is. It suppresses my cough.  You don’t have to stay, Nemu-san.  I’m sure you’d like to get some rest.”  
   
“I require very little rest, Captain Ukitake.  It would be minimal effort for me to prepare your medicine for you.”  She considered for a few moments, wetting her red lips, and her voice was more uncertain when she continued.  “If you wish for me to go, I will do so.  Shall I rouse your other Third Seat to attend you?”  
   
Damn.  It would be nice to have some of the tea before bed, and he didn’t want her to go wake up Sentarō, who’d rush over here and have to be talked down from bringing him to the Fourth.  Additionally he suspected he’d hurt her feelings by trying to nudge her gently out the door.  Whether she fully recognized it or not, she was sensitive to people’s discomfort around her.  “The tea is in the kitchen, I’m sure you’ll find it easily.  If you’d please prepare some for me, I would appreciate it, Nemu-san.”  
   
“Yes, Captain Ukitake.”  Her low voice had regained the smoothness she’d lost moments ago.  She slipped out of his bedroom.  
   
He sighed and rubbed his forehead.  What a strange night this was turning out to be.  He changed quickly into a sleeping robe.  While it wasn’t necessarily appropriate to be in sleeping clothes with a woman in his bedroom, Nemu was unlikely to be aware of the impropriety and he was too weary to worry about it himself.  
   
After making a stack of pillows, he got into bed and leaned against the pillows, so he could recline without being flat.  The position eased his chest discomfort.  It was a hassle to have even a slight attack of his illness while he was still recovering from his chest wound; his coughing made the scar tissue in his lungs shift and pull.  Retsu would heal the scar tissue at some point, but that would take months of ongoing treatments.  
   
Nemu returned with a tray containing a teapot and cup.  She knelt beside the bed, pouring him hot tea.  Her long fingers brushed against his when he accepted the cup.  She watched him drink it with a calm face and curious eyes.  There was none of the pity or disgust he’d seen from many who’d witnessed one of his attacks.  He wondered what kind of a life she led at the Twelfth, what kinds of things she’d seen there.  
   
“Your condition is improving,” she said, after several minutes of silence.  She did not appear to have the need to fill empty spaces in conversation.  
   
“Yes, thank you.”  He sipped from a second cup of the tea.  He’d been stopped from answering her awkward questions by his coughing fit, but just because he hadn’t answered her didn’t mean she would stop trying to find data.  What if she asked Nanao herself?  It was her relationship that had caused Nemu to ask questions, after all.  He imagined Nanao’s immediate, forceful denial of such emotions, and the confusion that would cause Nemu.  Perhaps Nanao would refer her to Rangiku instead.  
   
Although Rangiku had a lot of experience with complicated relationships, she tended to try to simplify things when explaining them.   That was how Nemu had come to believe sex was the only difference between friendship and romance in the first place.  And her father—well, no one should ever ask Mayuri Kurotsuchi about anything emotional, and he was decidedly uninterested in relationships, for all that he’d created a daughter for himself.  
   
The tea was making him sleepier, as if all his weariness was pressing him down into bed.  “Listen, Nemu-san.  I can’t answer your questions right now, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t.  Why don’t you come see me at another time?  We can talk then.”  He studied her face.  Her expressions were all rather slight, but he could see faint traces of surprise now.  “I would like it if you would consider me your friend, Nemu-san.”  
   
The surprise became more apparent.  “You wish to be my friend, Captain Ukitake?”  
   
“Yes.”  He handed the teacup back to her.  She deposited it neatly on the tray.  
   
There was a faint flush of pink on her cheeks now.  She smiled.  “I would be pleased to name you as my friend, Captain Ukitake.”  
   
He smiled at her.  “Good, then.  Come to see me whenever you like, Nemu-san.”  
   
She hesitated, nodded.  “If you prefer it, I will visit you.”  
   
Jūshirō leaned back against the pillows.  His eyelids were heavy.  He saw Nemu lean over him, studying him as if she could see his heartbeat through the blankets.  Perhaps she could.  
   
“Your condition will improve further if you take rest now,” she said.  
   
"Yes, I’m going to fall asleep very soon.”  
   
“I will leave you, then.  Good night, Captain Ukitake.  I will visit you soon.”  She rose and walked to the sliding door.  
   
“Good night, Nemu-san.  I’ll look forward to it.”  He smiled at her as she left, closing the door behind her.  The smile was still on his lips when he slipped into sleep.


	30. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Nanao woke on Friday with a hammer drumming in her head and a dry lump of cotton stuffed down her mouth and throat.  She slapped her hand down on the alarm clock she’d finally brought over from her quarters—Shunsui didn’t own anything that could wake him up on time for work, as far as she could tell—and nearly moaned as she sat up in bed.  
   
“Take the day off.”  It was a muffled mumble from the pillow.  
   
That sounded like a really excellent idea, but today could be Nanao’s last day as the Eighth’s vice captain, and there were a lot of things she wanted to get done.  “I can’t do that.”  
   
A heavy arm snuck around her waist and tugged her gently back down on the bed.  “Nanao-chan, your work ethic is, as always, very admirable, but there’s no need for such heroics today.”  
   
His large hand cupped the back of her head and rubbed her scalp in small circles.  Each touch dissolved a piece of her willpower to go in to work.  She pulled away from his massage and rose from the bed, walking carefully towards the bathroom.  
   
“Stubborn Nanao-chan.  At least take some of the headache tablets.”  
   
Nanao waved this away.  She sat on the bath stool, washing slowly in the half-lit bathroom.  The door opened and she turned to look, but Shunsui was already next to her, holding a glass and some pills.  “Unnecessary,” she said, but took the pills from his hand.  
   
“You’ll feel better soon.”  He crouched beside the stool, stroking her back.  
   
“I’m fine.”  That was so obvious a lie he didn’t bother to respond to it, dropping a kiss on her temple instead.  
   
It was another hour before Nanao went into the office, and she did feel better than she had, although if there’d ever been a day she wished to roll back over in bed and pretend the office didn’t exist, it was today.  Shunsui had even offered to go in to the office instead of her, if she insisted someone had to be there in the morning.  She’d stared at him with her mouth gaping open for several seconds before finally gasping a tiny “What?”  
   
Ultimately she’d refused his offer, which left him visibly relieved, but still, he’d offered to go into the office early for her sake.  For a man like him, it was a notable sacrifice.  
   
One of the Eleventh Seats brought her tea.  She sorted through pages of instructions, splitting them into packets for individual division members.  When she was certain of the time of her judgment she would distribute these orders.  Hopefully it would help the division maintain some semblance of normalcy through the transition to a new vice captain.  
   
She set the finished packets aside and flipped through the manual she’d assembled for running the division.  Portions of it were not as detailed as she would like, and some areas had been left out entirely, but everything that was important to the running of the division was inside.  Nanao had learned her job mainly through incomplete orders from the First Division and trial and error; she wanted to make sure her replacement didn’t go through that confusion.  Still, the next vice captain’s experience would depend largely on how cooperative Shunsui decided to be.  
   
Nanao considered writing out a letter to Shunsui, asking him to help her replacement, but she couldn’t find a way to keep the missive business only.  Each time she lifted the brush to the page she felt apologies and confessions and lost dreams welling up in the ink.  So she would leave him no message.  He would know what she wanted for the division anyway; there was no need to explicitly say it.  
   
As for the rest, she would tell him after the judgment, if he was willing to listen then.  
   
But there was nothing to do about that now.  She shook her head and began to empty and organize her desk drawers.  
   
In the afternoon she went out to the practice field to meet Shunsui for their weekly sword training session.  He’d left the office earlier to prepare, which was unusual, but she didn’t question him; whatever he was doing would be clear soon enough.  
   
At the distant practice field they used, she detoured to the large tree he favored for rest breaks.  He sat under it with his pink haori spread out under him, two bento boxes and a tray of sake and tea sitting beside him.  “Nanao-chan!  Lovely, lovely Nanao-chan!”  He waved to her, even though she was already walking towards him.  
   
“What are you doing, captain?”  She stopped short of the pink cloth and crossed her arms under her breasts.  
   
He raised his eyebrow—she knew it was because she’d called him captain—but didn’t comment.  “I’m having a late lunch with my cute Nanao-chan, of course,” he said, grinning.  
   
“We are supposed to spar today, not lounge around.”  She narrowed her eyes.  
   
“But you didn’t have any lunch yet, Nanao-chan.  Have you eaten at all today?”  His tone chided her gently.  
   
She sat stiffly on the fabric next to him.  “Personal matters are not supposed to affect division business.”  
   
He handed her one of the bento boxes with a flourish.  “As an ideal, it’s very nice, but it’s impossible to put into practice.”  
   
She sighed and began to eat.  
   
“Cheer up, Nanao-chan.  When was the last time we missed a sword sparring session anyway?  We deserve a break.”  He sipped sake from his dish.  
   
“We missed it just last week.”  She eyed him balefully over her glasses.  
   
“That’s hardly fair.  I was on medical leave.  When was the last time we missed one of these sessions when we were both well and in Soul Society?”  
   
She considered for a moment.  “Years.  Not since that time—” She broke off and took a bite of her food.  
   
“That time you scolded me for drinking too heavily.”  He leaned back against the tree and studied the sky.  
   
“That’s happened too many times to count,” she said, but she knew exactly the time he meant.  It’d been only four years ago.   
   
 _Four Years Ago_  
   
Nanao waited at the practice field for a full hour.  She’d searched for her captain’s reiatsu and found it at his house, but she stayed at the field, waiting.  He was late sometimes for their sparring, but in all the years they’d been doing these private sessions, he’d never failed to come at all.  
   
She waited for several more minutes before springing into shunpo.  At his house she hesitated.  “Captain?” she called at the gate, but there was no answer.  She stopped again at the door, to knock and call out again.  Silence.  
   
His reiatsu was in the house; he should be responding to her.  She opened the door and entered the house.  At his bedroom she hesitated again, but her concern for him overrode her misgivings about stepping into his bedroom uninvited.  
   
The room was dark; the windows were covered and there was no lamp on.  Faint light slipped through the panels to the back garden.  The air felt stale, as if it hadn’t been opened to the outside in days.  Her captain was on his bed, his chest bare and his decency maintained by a pair of uniform pants slung low on his hips.  “Captain?”  
   
There were bottles and jugs scattered around the room, which meant he’d been drinking, but the quantity was alarming.  What if he’d drunk himself into a coma?  “Captain,” she said again, shaking him.  
   
He didn’t stir.  “Captain!”  It was a shout.  He did not move.  
   
Nanao backed away from him, going into the adjoining bathroom.  She’d try one more thing and then she’d send for Captain Unohana.  She didn’t want Captain Kyōraku to be embarrassed, but if he couldn’t be roused he might be in real jeopardy.  
   
The cold water splashed down his face and onto his futon.  She’d have to change his bedding, but that would be a small price to pay if he woke up now.  His eyelids lifted and his hand came up to wipe at his face.  She sighed in relief, her panic fading.  “Captain?”  
   
“Nanao-chan?”  His eyes focused slowly on her.  “Why is Nanao-chan drowning me?”  
   
“You wouldn’t wake up.”  Her relief turned to alarm as he tried and failed to sit up.  
   
“Nanao-chan—I need to—”  
   
She helped him to a sitting position and then braced him with her arms around his waist and his arm over her shoulder.  They staggered slowly into the bathroom, Nanao breathing heavily under the press of his weight.  She helped him to a kneeling position and then left the room, leaving the door half open.  
   
Retching sounds followed her back into the bedroom.  She rubbed her temples with her fingers, feeling the onset of a headache.  Why?  Why did he do this to himself?  Her teeth clamped together with a snap.  She shook her head and began to clean up the room, opening the panels to the outside and uncovering the window.  The bottles she gathered up and put into his trash.  His wet bedding went into his laundry, to be picked up later by the Fourth Division.  She dried the lingering wetness in the bed with careful kidō and laid out fresh linens.  She started cooking some plain rice and soup in the kitchen.  
   
After there’d been quiet from the bathroom for several minutes, she entered cautiously with a glass of water and some headache pills.  Her captain always had those on hand, though she doubted they would be much help to him now.  
   
“Here,” she said, leaning down to where he rested against a wall.  He glanced up at the water and the pills but didn’t move.  “Take them.”  A thread of steel entered her voice.  
   
He tipped his head back and she slipped the pills into his mouth.  He sipped water from the glass in her hand.  His eyes, always so aware, looked dull and glassy.  
   
A burning wave of anger flowed up her throat, but she pushed it back down.  “Captain, can you clean yourself up?  I’ll get you fresh clothes.”  
   
She rose and moved to the door.  “Nanao-chan.”  
   
“Yes?”  
   
“You don’t need to stay.  Go and visit with your friends.”  The bleakness of his tone struck her hard in the chest.  
   
“I’m already making dinner.  Please wash up.”  The anger rose again, and with it hurt as well—she was trying to help him, and he didn’t even want her here.  Did he want to suffer?   
   
Moisture pricked the back of her eyes.  Of course he did.  It was _that_ day, after all.  Well, if he thought she would leave him alone to crawl back into a hole with several jars of sake, he was mistaken.  This behavior couldn’t continue.  It was affecting his work.  
   
It was affecting her.  
   
She dropped a fresh uniform inside the bathroom door and went to check on the food.  When he emerged from the bathroom some time later she was sitting on the porch with a lamp, reading a guide to bakudō.  A large tray sat beside her with covered bowls and a tea set.  He strolled outside, but his movements lacked his usual carefree feeling.  He sat with the tray between them, watching her but not speaking.  
   
She closed the book and poured tea for him.  “Here.  This dish is soup and this one is rice.  Please try to eat something.”  She did not meet his eyes.  
   
He sipped the tea, poked unenthusiastically at the rice.  They didn’t speak, just watched each other, the weight of things unsaid dropping their eyes.  
   
“You don’t have to stay, Nanao-chan.  I’m fine.”  
   
It was as close as he could come to asking her to leave; her captain was nothing if not polite to women and especially soft with Nanao.  “No.  I’m not leaving.”  
   
“Nanao-chan, I will not be good company tonight.  Surely your friends could offer you better companionship.  Don’t you usually meet Rangiku-san?”  She felt his eyes on her face, but she would not meet his gaze.  
   
“Eat something, please.”  
   
He sighed.  “If Nanao-chan will not leave, perhaps you would kindly fetch me something stronger to drink.”  
   
She did raise her head then, and her eyes were narrow and violet in her anger.  “You’re so selfish.”  
   
“What do you want me to say?”  His voice was that even and curious tone, which only heightened her anger.  
   
“You want me to leave so that you can drink yourself into the Fourth.”  Her hands tightened into small fists.  
   
“Yare, yare.  I wouldn’t go that far.”  He leaned back on his hands.  
   
“But you would.  You _have_ gone exactly that far before.”  
   
He grinned at her, insolent and empty, and she snapped.  Her fan cracked across his face.  The fan broke in half, and his nose began to bleed.  He’d seen it coming, she knew he must have, and he hadn’t moved.  He wanted to hurt.   
   
She dropped the broken fan and turned her face away to hide the dampness of her eyes.  “Do you imagine that I am unaware of why you do this?  Do you think that I have never realized what days provoke this reaction from you?  That I would forget this anniversary and never find out what the others are?  You do this three times a year, but this is the worst.  You can’t go on like this.  It’s affecting your work, affecting everything.  It’s hurting—hurting our division.”  Her voice caught on the last and she swallowed hard.  
   
“Nanao-chan,” he murmured, his hand on her shoulder, and she knew he’d heard what she hadn’t said out loud.  
   
She stood and crossed her arms, squeezing her biceps with her fingers.  “Do you think you’re the only one that misses her?”  Her tears were barely held back now.  
   
“It’s not just that, Nanao-chan.  What happened with Lisa was my fault.  All of the loss you’ve felt, all of the loss everyone has felt, all of that is my responsibility, my regret.”  
   
“So you want to drink yourself to death?”  She turned her head to see him answer.  
   
His face softened at the sight of hers.  “No, Nanao-chan.  I don’t want to die.  I just want to sleep.”  
   
She blinked several times.  When she thought she had enough control of herself she asked, “To sleep?”  
   
“When one of these—what did you call them—anniversaries?  When it comes up, I can’t sleep for days around the date.  Sometimes it will go on for weeks.  The things that I’ve done—the losses I’m responsible for—it’s not a surprise that I can’t sleep sometimes; it’s more of a surprise that I can ever sleep at all.  I’ve lived so long, Nanao-chan.  The memories are so strong at times.  It’s not just one thing.  It’ll start with Lisa, but then I will remember—so many other things.  It doesn’t stop.  I just want to forget for a little while.  Forget and rest.”  
   
She moved behind him and sat on a cushion.  Her hands reached up to his temples.  She tugged at him slightly and he leaned back for her.  “I understand.  I do.  I can’t imagine how hard this time is for you.  But you can’t keep doing this.”  Her hands lit with healing kidō.  
   
He groaned and leaned back farther for her touch.  She pulled him towards her once, very slightly, and he hesitantly slipped down until he lay on his back with his head in her lap.  “Nanao-chan?”  
   
Her tears had escaped her control at his confession and now ran in unruly paths down her cheeks.  “Please don’t do this anymore.  If you need rest, please let me help you.”  
   
“I’ve made you cry.”  His thumb brushed her tears away gently.  “I never wanted to cause you tears, Nanao.”  
   
“Idiot.  What would—what would our division do without you?”  Her unspoken words hung between them.  
   
“I won’t drink like this, Nanao-chan.  I promise you.”  His voice was dark and serious.  She tried to focus on his face through her tears.  His eyelids were heavy and his eyes—were they wet?  Were those her tears on his lashes?  She couldn’t tell.  
   
“Thank you,” she said softly.  Her hands stroked his head, the healing kidō blended with a mild sedation spell.  His eyes closed, his hands clasped over hers loosely.  Soon his breathing turned deep and even.  He slept, though a shinigami of his strength could easily shrug off sedation as light as hers.  But he wanted, needed this rest.   He’d succumbed willingly to her touch.  
   
She thought of the questions unasked, the words unsaid, and wondered if any would ever be spoken allowed.  But tonight he slept in her lap.  Tonight he’d given her his promise that this wouldn’t happen again.  Tonight, that was enough for her.

**********************************************************  
             
Nanao’s displeasure at their broken routine dissolved at the memory.  “You kept your word to me.”  
   
He reached out a hand to stroke her cheek.  “I told you that I never want to see you cry, Nanao-chan.”  
   
She looked down at that.  “We never talk about it,” she said, partially in disbelief that he had resisted for years bringing up those private moments they shared.  Several times a year since that day she’d let him sleep near her—in the office, in her quarters, even, rarely, on her lap—and he’d never said a word about it after.   
   
She’d never said a word, either, but that wasn’t such a surprise.  Nanao knew it was a line crossed in their relationship, but she didn’t want to return to how things had been before, and she didn’t know how to move forward, so she left it alone, privately treasuring those times that he trusted her to give him the rest he needed.  
   
“I didn’t want to lose that closeness with my precious Nanao-chan, and I wasn’t sure how you would react if I brought them up.”  
   
“I wouldn’t have known what to do if you had brought it up.”  
   
He pulled her pliant body into his lap.  “Isn’t this better than sword practice?”  
   
“Skipping out on work is inappropriate.”  But her fingers played with his hair.  
   
“Next week we can do an extra hour, if that will satisfy you.”  He unclipped her hair and stroked a hand through it.  
   
Next week she wouldn’t be his vice captain.  Next week she might be in exile or prison.  “I don’t think we have to make it up.  After all, we’ve been doing this for a very long time.”  
   
They sat for several minutes in the quiet of the day.  The sound of swords striking echoed distantly—one of the intermediate sword classes was practicing outside today.  
   
Something rose in Nanao’s mind.  She tried to push it back down, as she had all of the other times it had tried to press into her consciousness, but it was too demanding with the memory of that anniversary fresh in her mind.  
   
“When you were in the battle with Aizen—” she hesitated.  
   
“What is it, Nanao-chan?”  
   
“You saw Vice Captain Yadōmaru.”  She turned her head into his chest.  
   
“Yes.  Lisa-chan is alive.  She’s been living in the Living World with the others from that time.”  His voice was easy and calm.  
   
“Are they going to come back?”  The words were very small.  
   
“I don’t know.”  He smoothed his hand down her back.  
   
She darted a glance at his face.  
   
“If they did, it would be difficult for them.  There aren’t enough positions available for them, and it isn’t as if they could simply take their old ones back.  Things have changed.  And having a hollow inside their souls would undoubtedly subject them to some very unpleasant scrutiny.”  
   
Nanao considered this.  “Do you want them to come back?”  
   
“That’s not up to me, and as I said, it would be difficult.  Do you want to see Lisa-chan?”  
   
She hesitated.  “Do you think—would she want to see me?”  
   
“You’d know that better than I would, Nanao-chan.  You know how close you were to Lisa-chan before.  But I am sure that she would see you if it’s something you want.”  
   
Memories of Vice Captain Yadōmaru flipped through her mind in an emotional jumble.  She shook her head.  “I have to think about it.”  She shifted on his lap, her fingers fussing at the lines of her uniform.  
   
He tipped her chin up.  “Nanao-chan, what do you want to ask me?”  
   
“People have said—well, it’s the truth, that Vice Captain Yadōmaru and I are very alike.  I never thought about it when I was a child, but I have considered it sometimes since then.  I have even wondered if we might be related.”  She cringed inside.  Even these words were so hard, and none of it was quite what she wanted to know, but she couldn’t seem to form a coherent question out of the mess of memory.   
   
“I don’t know if you have a blood connection with Lisa-chan; I never asked her, and she wouldn’t have told me if I had.  It’s true that you have some physical resemblance.  But that’s just the surface.  The two of you are very, very different people underneath.  My Nanao is only Nanao to me.”  He cupped her face in his hands.  The warmth in his eyes reached a part of her that was very cold.  Somehow he knew what she needed, even when she didn’t.  
   
Her eyelids fluttered down.  “Thank you.”  
   
He kissed her, playfully biting at her lip.  “It’s natural enough to wonder.  I want you to ask me whatever you want to know about anything.  I don’t know what kind of relationship you may want to have with Lisa-chan in the future, but I’m sure it’s something we can work out.”  
   
“I’m not ready to speak to Vice Captain Yadōmaru yet.”  She sighed.  
   
“It must be because cute Nanao-chan wants to give all her attention to me right now,” he teased, and made kissy faces at her.  
   
“Hardly,” she said.  But she reached up and clasped the back of his neck with her hand, pulling him back to her lips.  There were other questions about Lisa—if they’d been lovers, if they’d been close—but she didn’t feel a need to ask them.  He and Lisa might have been lovers and they might have been close.  But he’d said that Nanao was unique for him, and she believed him.   
   
She believed in him.


	31. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

The hell butterfly came in the middle of the morning on Saturday.  Nanao froze in place on the bench in the garden.  Her book slipped from her fingers, forgotten.  The delicate black wings fluttered as the insect sought a place to land.  It stopped on her hand and the message began to play immediately in Sasakibe’s voice.  
   
 _The Central 46 has reached a decision in your trial for the crimes in the command post.  This verdict will be rendered in a joint meeting of captains and vice captains.  The captain commander will hold this meeting on Monday morning.  Please maintain confidentiality in this matter until that time._  
   
Nanao stared at her hand long after the butterfly flapped away.  She was surprised, somehow; even though this had been pending for weeks, there was still an element of unreality to the whole thing.  Vice Captain Ise, brought up on charges for disobeying orders—who would have believed it?  Certainly not Nanao.  
   
Before the events around Rukia Kuchiki’s execution she’d never even considered where her loyalties truly were.  Afterwards, when she’d followed Shunsui without hesitation into battle with the captain commander, she’d realized that while she was loyal to the Gotei 13, that loyalty to duty could never be matched by the depths of her loyalty to her captain.  
   
But now she would leave him.  
   
She rose, shivering on the garden path.  The forgotten book she retrieved on her slow walk back to the house.  In the bedroom she stood hesitant until Shunsui rolled over and lifted the blankets in invitation.  She dropped the book and slid into the bed, sinking into Shunsui’s arms.  
   
“You’re so cold, Nanao-chan.”  He clasped her icy hands between his warm ones.  
   
“I was outside,” she said, her voice barely working.  
   
“You should wear something over this lovely yukata, Nanao-chan.  I know it’s been warmer than usual, but it’s still nearly winter.”  
   
She nodded and tucked her face into the side of his neck.  The heat of his skin and the scent of his soap eased her enough to speak more normally.  “There will be a joint meeting on Monday morning.”  
   
“Oh?  About what?”  His hands stroked her back through her clothes.  
   
“It’s a debriefing about the war.”  That was both vague and honest—any lies she told Shunsui while she was in such close contact with him would be readily detected by him.  
   
“That’ll be worse than the usual meeting, then.  But you haven’t heard anything new about the complaint against you?”  
   
She tensed and chose her words with care.  “I’ve heard nothing new about the complaint, no.”  
   
He sighed.  “Yama-jii is really taking his time on that.”  
   
“There have been many more important matters for his consideration in the aftermath of a war.”  Her voice moved to cool professionalism.  
   
“You’ll forgive me if I’m more concerned with your fate than I am with Yama-jii’s scheduling problems.”  
   
She shook her head against his skin and propped herself up on her elbow to look into his face.  She hesitated for a long moment.  “What do you think he will do?  About me?”  
   
“That depends on exactly what happened, Nanao-chan.  If you want to tell me about what you did, I can tell you exactly what he’s likely to do.  I’ve known Yama-jii for a long time, and I’m familiar with his feelings on wars and laws.”   His eyes were soft and promised understanding without judgment.  
   
Nanao was tempted, and felt the words creeping up her throat.  She knew this man, didn’t she?  And he told her he loved her constantly.  Perhaps she could tell him about her crimes without fearing his reaction.  It was still too hard to begin directly, so she started from a side angle.  “What does the captain commander believe about wars and laws?”  
   
“He puts the higher objective over any other considerations, including the lives of his soldiers or things like the honor of duels.  So if you acted to forward our victory in battle, then he will likely disregard the complaint entirely or let it go with a little punishment just for show.”  Shunsui spoke evenly and slowly, though she knew this topic must be of great interest to him.  
   
He raised a brow at her, but she said nothing.  
   
“If someone acts for foolish or selfish reasons in war, and it jeopardizes the higher objective, Yama-jii will punish them harshly.  And he believes strongly in the law when it doesn’t conflict with matters of war.  You must remember how severe he was about Rukia-chan and everyone who acted on her behalf.”  
   
She nodded, shivering slightly at the memory of Yamamoto’s reiatsu crushing the air out of her lungs.  His hands pressed her closer to his warm body.  
   
“He was wrong then, and the law was wrong, but he followed the word of the Central 46—the word of law—absolutely.  He believes in order and duty very strongly.”  
   
“Do you believe the same things about war that he does?”  She knew Shunsui didn’t share identical beliefs about law, but the memory of his eyes when he went into battle chilled her when she recalled it.  
   
“Yare, yare, Nanao-chan.  These are big questions for first thing in the morning.”  
   
She looked away from his face.  Perhaps he didn’t want to share this darker part of himself with her.  She’d thought that he might be willing to talk about this now, since they were in a romantic relationship.  He’d let her help him with his memory-induced insomnia for years.  But he’d never talked about the specifics of what haunted him, beyond that first mention of Vice Captain Yadōmaru when he’d promised to stop drinking so heavily.  She knew the barest sketches of other events, from public records she’d scoured in the library and delicate hints from Captain Ukitake.  
   
Nanao could hardly demand he tell her everything when she was hiding so much.  Perhaps the scope of their relationship would be more limited than she’d expected.  She forced her disappointment to slide into resignation, then turned her head and met his eyes.  “We don’t have to talk about this if you’d prefer not to discuss it.  Why don’t we go out for lunch today?”  
   
He stopped her from getting out of bed by simply resisting her upward movement.  “No.  We’ll talk about it.  I told you to ask me anything, didn’t I?”  He smiled, briefly and without amusement.  
   
“It’s fine, really.”  She tugged at his arms, but he held firm until she lay down on her side, facing him.  
   
“I hate war.  That’s the first thing that’s different between Yama-jii and I.  He thinks war is inevitable and necessary.  Over the years I’ve come to agree about the inevitability of war, but I draw the line at calling it necessary.  If it can be avoided, that’s what I’d prefer.  Yama-jii seeks victory in war over all things, and to an extent I must agree with him.  To me things like honor and style don’t have a place in war.  If you’re dead because of honor, you aren’t protecting whatever you went to war for.  Ukitake feels very strongly about personal honor and pride in battles, but I can’t agree with him.   Lost pride could be regained, but not if you’re dead.  And I can’t feel any pride in letting my subordinates die when I could have stopped it.”  
   
Nanao thought of Kaien Shiba, of Vice Captain Yadōmaru, and of the times Shunsui had stepped between her and a wound.  She closed her eyes.  Her hand came up to caress his tight jaw.  “I understand.  You don’t have to tell me—”  
   
“You deserve to know, don’t you?  What kind of man I am?”  
   
“I know what kind of man you are.”  
   
“But I’ve scared you in battle.  I saw it in your eyes.”  He smiled, but it was bleak.  
   
She stopped herself from looking away and met his gaze instead.  “Tell me, then.”  
   
It was several more seconds before he spoke.  “War demands terrible things.  There are boundaries I’ve had to cross that I never imagined I would step over.  Even the thinnest ideals of battle that I’ve tried to maintain—I’ve had to shatter them.  It doesn’t matter why our army goes to war.  However righteous the cause, in battle someone will win and someone will lose, but everyone comes out with blood covering their souls.”  
   
He swallowed one of her hands in his.  “Shunsui,” she mouthed more than said.  
   
His eyes closed and reopened intent on her face.  “It’s my duty to do whatever is necessary.  It doesn’t matter how I feel about it after.  I have so many regrets, but I must win my battles.  I went to war to protect my home, to protect my division, to protect my friends, and to protect my Nanao-chan.  To ensure the safety of what’s precious to me, I can do anything necessary in battle without a regard for things like honor or morality.  I would do anything to keep you safe.”  
   
His eyes asked for her understanding.  How could she deny him when he’d laid himself bare for her?  How could any questions about Yamamoto matter now?  “Thank you for telling me.  And—thank you,” she whispered.  
   
Relief flared in his eyes.  He bent to kiss her.  There was a slight hesitation in his movement.  Nanao welcomed him into her mouth and dug her fingers into his hair, returning his kiss until that hesitation disappeared.  
   
She pushed at his chest with one hand, and he rolled on his back for her, pulling her on top of him.  “I know what kind of man you are.  I know you, Shunsui.”  She fitted her lips against his gently.  Her tingling hands slipped down his bare sides, her nails teasing him a little.  “You seem a little chilled,” she said, her voice low.   “Perhaps I should warm you up.”  
   
“That’s a good idea, Nanao-chan.”  His voice was dark silk over her skin.  Her hands explored his naked body in flowing strokes.  
   
“It’s always best to be prudent.”  
   
His clever fingers worked at the knot of her sash.  Her garments were gone in moments.  
   
“My Nanao-chan,” he murmured against her lips.  
   
She pulled him into her, savoring this contact.  He wanted her reassurance that her feelings for him were unchanged by his confessions.  Words about the weight of her love were impossible, but he would understand her enough through her body.  Every touch was infused with her dreams; every sigh a confession of feeling.  
   
She gave the whole of her heart to him without saying a word.

***********************************************************************  
   
Her crimes would stay secret.  She wouldn’t tell him; Nanao decided that almost immediately.  How could she, after what he’d told her?  He would do anything necessary to protect what he cared for, including acts that cost him greatly, that haunted him years later.  In her first truly critical command experience she’d disobeyed an order, attacked another officer, and risked not only all of Soul Society, but the balance of the universe itself.  
   
How could she ask him to excuse her behavior?  How could she expect anything but negative reactions?  The idea of killing one hundred thousand souls was impossible to her, so she’d pinned unrealistic hopes on Ichigo Kurosaki and allowed the situation to escape from probable controllability.  
   
Yet she still did not believe she could have given the order to destroy everyone in Karakura.  
   
The judgment that would strike down on her soon was what she’d earned with her crimes.  She would accept what was coming, and she would not tell Shunsui, in case he felt some obligation to help her.  
   
She’d taken pride for so many years in her role as vice captain, believing that she was fulfilling her duties as completely and perfectly as she could.  But she’d been unable to act as a captain would have—as Shunsui would have—and do whatever was necessary for victory in battle.  
   
Even if she was somehow spared serious punishment for her crimes, Nanao wasn’t sure that she should be permitted to continue serving as a vice captain.  The role of the second-in-command was to lead when the captain could not.  If she wasn’t capable of setting aside personal morality and killing by whatever means the mission required, she was not truly acting as a leader of the Gotei 13.  
   
Nanao’s fingers tightened around her cup of tea.  _Strength_ , she thought.  But there was still a thread of hope winding around her heart that she could not quite cut.  Maybe he would understand, forgive her weaknesses, and still want—  
   
She shut off her thoughts before the thread of hope could thicken.  She might not be able to kill her hopes entirely, but she would not allow herself to believe in them.  After all, hope was the cruelest emotion, hadn’t she learned that long ago?

************************************************************************  
   
“Where are we going?”  
   
Shunsui tugged at Nanao’s hand, guiding her along one of the winding paths in his garden.  “It’s a surprise.”  
   
“It’s a bit late for a lunch picnic, isn’t it?”  Nanao tilted her head at him.  
   
“Lovely Nanao-chan, spontaneity is the essence of romance.”  He moved in front of her, walking backwards to watch her face.  
   
“Spontaneity breaks ankles.”  But she was enjoying this small Sunday adventure more than she would admit.  
   
He glanced behind him and came to a stop, grasping her shoulders with his hands.  “Cover your eyes.”  
   
“This is silly,” she said, but her hands came up to hide her eyes.  
   
“Wait here a moment.  And no peeking!”  His footsteps retreated from the stone of the path to grass.  
   
She sniffed.  “As if I would peek.”  Curiosity made her foot tap a bit as she listened to him rustling and tinkling a few feet away.  
   
He returned soon and draped an arm around her shoulders.  “Take a look, Nanao-chan.”  
   
She opened her eyes and he moved to her side so that she could see what was in front of her.  His face was eager in a way that usually meant presents Nanao did not like, and she felt a flash of wariness.  
   
But it wasn’t like that at all.  Off the path was a row of hedges that she’d thought were there to provide an attractive contrast to the flower beds nearby.  But there was an opening in the hedges he’d created by tying back some of the shrubbery with ribbon.  She stepped through the greenery.  
   
“It’s—” she stopped, blinking.  
   
“It’s a secret,” Shunsui murmured in her ear.  
   
“It’s beautiful.”  It was a small clearing, a secret garden within the larger garden.  He’d brought in large vases with colorful flowers overflowing from them, some of them out-of-season rare beauties and some wildflower weeds, combined in no discernable pattern.  The effect was lovely—he really did have a good eye for beautiful things.  The vases framed a large blanket with a tray in the center.  She could hear the gurgle of water nearby—perhaps he had a stream on his property?  It was extensive enough.  
   
“It would be better with the moon, but it’s getting too cold at night for midnight picnics.”  He steered her to the blanket with an arm around her waist.  
   
“This is quite attractive as it is,” she said.  
   
“When you see it in summer, you’ll really like it, Nanao-chan.  I was thinking I should put a bench out here for you.”  He gestured at the shade under a graceful tree.  “There, I think.  A large one, so I can rest my head on your lap.”  
   
She sat neatly on the blanket.  “You—” she started, but couldn’t continue.  He would put a bench out here for her in his secret place?  He wanted her to see it in the summer, under the moon?  She’d misjudged him, misjudged his intentions, for so many years.  Much of that was his fault, but some of it was hers, too.  She’d been timid and afraid of losing what she already treasured to a proclaimed love that might only be a whim for him.  
   
“This is plum wine.  Rangiku-san said you enjoyed it the other day.”  He smiled at her, held out a cup.  His smile slipped at her expression.  
   
“I’m sorry.”  The words fell out, surprising both of them.  
   
“Hmm?  What are you sorry for, lovely Nanao-chan?”  He dropped the wine back to the tray.  
   
Her brows drew together, and she struggled to find a way to express her thoughts.  
   
“Don’t look so worried, Nanao-chan.  You don’t owe me any apologies.  We’re together now, aren’t we?”  He cupped her cheek in his hand, smiling.  
   
She nodded.  
   
“Besides, I don’t want you to focus on something in the past, not today.  Today is for us.”  He picked up the cup of wine and handed it to her.  
   
She sipped it, watching him over the rim.  “You’re up to something.”  
   
His smile grew into a full grin.  He poured himself a cup of the wine.  “Have a chocolate, Nanao-chan.”  He took the top off of a small box on the tray.  
   
“You know, for someone who said spontaneity is the essence of romance, you’ve done a lot of planning for this.”  She slipped one of the chocolates between her lips.  
   
“It’s because I want to impress precious Nanao-chan during our courtship.”  His eyes followed her tongue as she licked the sweetness from her lips.  
   
“It’s almost over,” she said, and couldn’t stop her sadness from reaching her voice.  
   
“Nothing is over unless you want it to be.”  He brushed his lips against hers.  She raised her free hand to his neck and deepened the kiss, opening her mouth for him to taste.  He pulled back.  “Delicious Nanao-chan.  But not yet.”  
   
“Do you have something more planned?”  Her eyes narrowed.  
   
He smiled.  “So suspicious.  But as it happens, I do.  I’m going to meet your condition today.”  
   
“My condition?  You intend to prove—”  
   
“To prove my love.  Yes.”  His eyes nearly glowed with pleasure.  
   
“You don’t have to do that.”  She stared down at her wine.  
   
“Oh?  Have you changed your mind, Nanao-chan?”  His voice was mild, curious.  
   
“You don’t have to, because—because I believe you already.  I couldn’t before, but now—it’s different now.”  She could feel the blush tingling on her cheeks.  
   
“Is it?  I’m glad, Nanao-chan.”  He tipped her head up, stroked one of her pink cheeks with a hand.  “That just makes this moment sweeter.”  
   
“Sweeter?”  
   
Shunsui pulled the wine from her hand and put it on the tray.  He clasped her hand in his.  “Marry me, Nanao-chan.”  
   
Her mouth opened and closed, but could not form words.  She couldn’t even seem to form thoughts.  
   
He smiled at her expression.  “Is it such a shock?  You wanted something from me that would be only yours.  So I’m offering you something no one else has ever had with me.”  
   
“You—you want—” she stopped, blinking rapidly.  
   
“Yare, yare, Nanao-chan.  Were you just using me for sex?  Did you never intend to make an honest man of me?”  At her indignant sputtering he chuckled.  “Won’t you marry me, Nanao-chan?  It’ll be a grand adventure.  Something completely new for both of us.  We’ll experience it together.”  
   
She pressed her free hand to her forehead.  The skin was hot and she thought she might be running a fever.  “To get married—”  
   
“That’s the idea, sweetheart.  We’ll end the trial courtship today, and continue with our relationship.  Are you alright?  You look like you might faint, Nanao-chan.”  
   
Nanao scowled.  “I’ve never fainted.  I don’t faint.  You want to get married.”  
   
“Yes.”  His eyes were full of amusement and love.  
   
“To me.  You want to get married to me.”  She spoke slowly and enunciated each word.  
   
“Yes, lovely, precious, sweet—”  
   
She clamped her hand over his mouth.  “But you’ve lived so long—in two thousand years, you never wanted to marry anyone else?  Why is it me?”  
   
He lavished kisses on her palm.  “I love you, Nanao-chan.  It’s the simplest and the most complicated thing in the world.  Is there someone else you want to marry?”  
   
She jumped a little.  “Someone else?  No.  It’s always been you.”  She flushed again, stared at their joined hands.  
   
“It’s the same for me.  It’s always been you.  Only there was a lot of time before you were there, so I didn’t realize it right away.  Marry me, Nanao-chan.”  
   
She studied his face, her brows draw together.  
   
“This is the part where you say yes, Nanao-chan.”  Her mouth formed a little o, but language appeared to evade her again.  “Think of all the benefits, Nanao-chan!  It’s the ultimate reason to stay at my house forever, and no one will ever question it again, they’ll just say, ‘Oh, Kyōraku is so lucky, to have such a beautiful wife.’  And your ability to make me do work will be absolutely unmatched, the incredible variety of leverage you can bring to bear as my wife will be fantastic for you.  And you’ll have two full baths!  But if you want more, we can add more to the house, you could have dozens of full baths if you wanted.  And I’m rich, very rich, and that always presents a practical advantage to life in Seireitei.  Nanao-chan?  Are you alright?  Are you listening to me?”  
   
“Your income is not an issue.  Neither are your baths.”  She floundered a bit.  She wanted to say yes, wanted it so much, but would that be fair to him, when tomorrow he would find out she was a criminal and a failure as a vice captain?  It would be deceptive of her to agree to marry him when he wasn’t in possession of all the facts.  But she needed to do this carefully, without hurting him, without refusing him.  She closed her eyes briefly.  “The trial isn’t over until tomorrow.”  
   
“The trial courtship?  We’ll end it a day early.  It’s not important.”  
   
“We agreed to a full two weeks of trial courtship, not a minutes less.”  She pushed on his chest until he lay down on his back.  
   
“You know, Nanao-chan, when a man asks a woman to marry him, he likes to get an answer.”  He drew in his breath sharply as she crawled over him.  
   
She planted small kisses along his jaw, the edges of his mouth, his ear.  “It’s always been you, Shunsui,” she whispered in his ear.  Her hands industriously worked until she’d exposed his body to the cool air.  “Ask me tomorrow.”  She licked a path down his strong throat.  
   
“Tomorrow?”  He sounded bemused, and she glanced up at his face.  
   
He wasn’t angry or upset, but he could become either, so she made her voice as soothing as she could.  “Ask me tomorrow, and I’ll answer you then.”  She trailed her mouth down his body, taking little nips at his muscles to see them tighten.  
   
“What are you doing, Nanao-chan?”  
   
She drifted lower, enjoying the way his tension went higher.  “I’m being spontaneous.  Spontaneity is the essence of romance, remember?”  
   
“And now you have an interest in romance?”  
   
“I have an interest in you.”  She bit the muscle of his thigh and then eased the spot with her tongue.  
   
“What will you answer if I ask you tomorrow, Nanao?”  His question caught in his throat a little.  
   
She didn’t answer for several minutes and he did not ask again.  When she flowed back up his body his hands were swift at her sash, and then the cool air was touching her skin.  “Don’t you know already?  It will always be you, Shunsui.  I need you,” she whispered, rubbing against him like a cat.  “I need you, Shunsui.”  Her eyelids fluttered, heavy over her eyes.  
   
The expression in his eyes softened, the bemusement and the near-upset fading.  “I’m with you, Nanao, and I’m not going anywhere.”  
   
He pulled her down to him, and he was with her, so close, and their heartbeats were so much the same that she wondered if their hearts had switched places in their bodies.  _Yes_ , her kisses said against his mouth.  _Yes_ , her nails scratched into his skin.  _Yes_ , her body sang against his body.  
   
But _yes_ never passed her lips.

*******************************************************************  
   
Nanao woke very early on Monday.  For one short moment she enjoyed the feeling of Shunsui wrapped around her before she remembered what day it was.  Today she would face judgment; today the pretense that everything was normal would end, one way or another, and there was so much for her to do before then.  
   
She pulled away from Shunsui with care and slowness.  If he woke now, she wasn’t sure she could contain her secrets.  Her crimes and her love and her fears would all fall out into the room.  If he knew those things, and he took her side, it could have terrible consequences for Soul Society; if he knew those things, and he sided against her, it could have terrible consequences for Nanao’s heart.  
   
She did not linger at the house.  In the bathroom she prepared for the day with crisp efficiency.  Her face was cool and tranquil in the mirror, but her eyes were haunted and changeable, like an ocean full of ghosts.  
   
In the bedroom she moved silently passed the sleeping Shunsui, but could not stop herself from looking back at him.  The hairpin case she’d made him was on the bookcase.  On impulse she opened the case and took one of his favorite hairpins, secreting it away in her sleeve.  
   
She would not see him again before the meeting.  Already she’d planned to send a hell butterfly to wake him when there were only minutes left before the meeting, so that he would barely have time to dress and appear at the First Division.  
   
The offices at the Eighth were empty, but it was still very early.  The manual for running the Eighth Division she moved to Shunsui’s desk, with no note or explanation; it would be obvious what it was when he read it.  She picked up the packets of instructions she’d made for division members—orders ranging from scheduling night patrols to ordering a new sofa set—and walked through the division, dropping them neatly in the center of her officers’ desks.  It took several minutes to distribute all of the orders.  
   
When she finished she returned to the office of the captain and vice captain.  She stacked her few personal possessions into a small box, sealed and labeled it with her name and the contents, and brought it to her quarters to sit with the other neatly piled boxes of her things.  At least the work to eliminate traces of her from the division would be minimal for whoever followed after her.  
   
She stood with her eyes closed for several minutes, breathing in and out deeply.  She could smell the odor of books, of furniture polish, of her clean floor mats and of the old wood of the barracks itself.  But no matter how long she was still and searching, she could not find her peace.  
   
She’d left that in a house of many windows a few miles away from here.  
   
No matter.  She would do without.  It wasn’t something she needed to survive, and what she would be doing from now on would not be living; it would be surviving.  
   
It was still early, but there were stirrings across the barracks that signaled the start of the day.  Nanao left the Eighth, taking nothing with her but a stolen hairpin.


	32. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Shinigami milled around the meeting room, chatting.  Shunsui approached Nanao, a faint frown on his lips.  His hairpins were missing from his hair tie.  “Lovely Nanao-chan didn’t wake me up this morning,” he said, leaning down low towards her ear.   
   
“I’m sorry.  I had a lot that I wanted to do, and I ran out of time.”  She glanced up at him, barely meeting his eyes.  
   
“Is everything alright, Nanao-chan?”  He wanted to touch her—she could see him holding himself back—but they were in public, at work.  
   
“I’m just tired.  For some reason I didn’t get much rest last night.”  She sniffed but it was for show.  She thought the memory of what they’d done last night would cheer him, so he might not ask her any more questions now.  
   
He grinned at her.  “Poor Nanao-chan.  Maybe your captain will give you the rest of the day off.”  
   
She forced her lips to turn up slightly.  
   
Captain Ukitake waved Shunsui over.  “We’ll talk later, Nanao-chan.”  He brushed her arm with his hand as he crossed to Ukitake.  
   
Nanao took the opportunity to pull Rangiku aside.   “Something’s going to happen now, Rangiku-san.  Will you do me a favor, please?”  She kept her voice quiet and her face smooth to avoid attracting attention.  
   
Rangiku frowned at her.  “Of course, Nanao-san, what do you want me to do?” she asked.  
   
“Please stop Captain Kyōraku from acting rashly.  It’s important that he not interfere.”  
   
The blonde latched a hand onto Nanao’s arm.  “It’s worse than I thought, isn’t it?  Whatever trouble you’re in, I’m sure we can help—”  
   
“No,” Nanao hissed.  She saw Shunsui looking at her from across the room and pasted a small smile on her face.  Rangiku’s frown deepened until Nanao gestured slightly in Shunsui’s direction.  “It’s too late for that.  All that would happen is conflict, and I don’t want anyone to get into trouble because of my actions.  Just please, will you take care of my captain for me?”  
   
Rangiku’s hand dropped.  She laughed lightly for Shunsui’s benefit.  “I’ll do my best, Nanao-san, I promise.”  
   
“Thank you, Rangiku-san.  You’re a good friend.”  They drifted towards the formation that was taking shape.  Nanao talked idly about a new calendar project for the SWA, Rangiku following her lead.  Shunsui eyed her curiously but said nothing.  
   
The captains stood in two neat rows with the vice captains behind them.  One of the captains was not present—Captain Kurotsuchi was in Hueco Mundo conducting his research.  No one from the Twelfth stood in his stead. Nanao felt strangely numb, even though she knew this would likely be the end of her career in the Gotei 13.  
   
Captain Yamamoto entered the room and headed to the front, followed by vice captain Sasakibe, who took a spot behind Yamamoto.  All talk ceased when the elder captain stomped his cane against the floor.  “We will now begin this meeting of the Gotei 13 leadership.  First, on the Aizen matter, most of you have undoubtedly already heard that the Central 46 has sentenced Aizen to twenty thousand years in Avici.  This sentence has already begun.”  
   
There was a grunt from Zaraki and a few nods from others.  
   
“On to the second matter of the agenda today.  Vice Captain Ise, come forward.”  
   
Nanao stepped out from behind her captain, ignoring his murmured “Nanao-chan?”  
   
She took up a position facing Captain Yamamoto at the opposite end of the lines of captains.  “Sir.”  
   
“Vice Captain Ise, there are currently two issues related to you that must be discussed.  In order to address these matters, I am lifting the confidentiality order surrounding the events of the command post in Seireitei during the recent battle.”  Yamamoto grunted and Sasakibe produced a packet of papers that he set on a side table for Yamamoto’s convenience.  The captain commander flipped through these papers slowly.  
   
Nanao stood at attention and refused to look at anything but Yamamoto’s face.  It would be more appropriate to drop into a seiza, but she wasn’t sure she could get up if she let herself sink down.  She would not turn to Shunsui; this matter could still be divisive for Soul Society, and she would not be the catalyst for that by asking for his help.  Shunsui might interpret any glance from her as such a request.  She wasn’t sure what would show in her eyes if she met his gaze.  
   
“Vice Captain Ise, while you had command of the Gotei 13 in the command post, you are accused of committing the crimes of disobeying a direct order from the Central 46 and attacking an officer of the Kidō Corps.  In your official report on these events, you do not deny these crimes.  Is that true?”  
   
“Yes, sir.”  There was a murmur of questioning whispers throughout the room.  Nanao kept her head up, her back precisely straightened, and her face as cold as she could.  She would not allow herself to break in front of these people.  Shunsui stared at her, she could feel it, but he hadn’t spoken yet and she was grateful for that.  
   
“When I assigned you the command of the Gotei 13 during wartime, I explained the order from Central 46 to you.  Did you understand the order as it was conveyed to you?”  
   
“Yes, sir.”  
   
“So you clearly understood that the order from Central 46: in the event that Aizen defeated the Gotei 13, you were to activate the soul-destroying machines created by Captain Kurotsuchi and destroy all of the human souls in Karakura town to prevent Aizen from creating the King’s Key.”  
   
The room exploded in gasps and exclamations from the shinigami.  “An order like that,” Hitsugaya said, shocked.  
   
“It can’t be,” Hisagi whispered.  
   
Nanao could feel Shunsui’s eyes on her, could feel him willing her to look at him, but she did not take her eyes off Yamamoto.  “Yes, sir.”  
   
Yamamoto ignored the noise in the room.  “And you understood clearly that you were to execute this order before Aizen took one step through a gate to Soul Society?”  
   
“Yes, sir.”  
   
“And yet, when the moment came to act on that order, you refused to do so, and attacked with Bakudō 61 and Bakudō 99 the vice captain of the Kidō Corps when he attempted to act on the order?”  
   
“Yes, sir.”  Nanao kept her hands clasped together behind her back.  She could feel them shaking a little, but she pressed it down, trying to maintain her calm demeanor.  Her pride demanded nothing less.  
   
“In your report, you explain your actions by stating you believed that it was important that Ichigo Kurosaki have the opportunity to take the field against Aizen.  But there was no room for your own personal decision-making in the order from Central 46.”  
   
“No, sir.  I acted without proper authority and against my orders.”  
   
Yamamoto nodded.  The low rumble of sound from the shinigami present had not stopped, but he continued on with his summary.  “So there are two issues presently, Vice Captain Ise: your admitted crimes in the command post, and the formal complaint filed by Vice Captain Takahashi of the Kidō Corps for your abusive treatment.  The primary matter of your crimes was considered and decided by the Central 46.  The matter of the complaint will be considered and decided by me.  Are you prepared to receive the judgment of the Central 46?”  
   
“Yes, sir.”  
   
“Yama-jii—” Shunsui stepped out of the captain’s line; his eyes had left Nanao and gone to Yamamoto.  
   
“No, Shunsui, you may not speak now.  The judgment of the Central 46 has already been made.  You have no place to object.”  Yamamoto stomped his cane.  
   
Rangiku pulled Shunsui back into the line, whispering something.  
   
“Vice Captain Ise, it is the judgment of the Central 46 that you will be stripped of your rank of vice captain and remanded to the custody of First Division.  You will be held here to await further punishment on this matter at my discretion.  You will also receive judgment in the matter of Vice Captain Takahashi’s complaint.”  
   
The room exploded in exclamations, objections, shouts.  Even Captain Kuchiki’s eyes were open and his brows drawn into a frown.  Nanao ignored it all, keeping her head up.  She removed her vice captain’s armband and walked forward with it.  “Yes, sir.  I understand.”  She placed the armband on the side table and turned to Vice Captain Sasakibe.  He courteously led her out of a side door and down towards the holding cells.  
   
She could hear Shunsui calling her but she did not look at him, could not look at him.  What would he think of her now?  She couldn’t think about that or she might break down.  Her pride carried her out of the meeting room and down several hallways to the holding cells in the heart of First Division.  
   
“If you could please give me your zanpakutō, Ise-san,” Sasakibe said as they arrived at her holding cell.  
   
“Of course, Sasakibe-san.”  She pulled the tantō out of her sleeve and handed it to him.  
   
“Your meals will be provided at appropriate intervals, and other services will be provided as needed.  Please inquire with the guard at the end of the hallway if you have any questions.”  Sasakibe left the cell and bowed slightly to her.  
   
Nanao returned his bow.  “Thank you, Sasakibe-san.”  
   
“I will return when there is news on your further punishment or a decision on the matter of the complaint.”  
   
“Thank you, Sasakibe-san.”  
   
And then she was alone in the cell.  She sat on the single chair and folded her hands in her lap.  For a short time, she’d had everything she’d ever dreamed of: her position in the Eighth, the respect of her peers, the friendships she’d treasured, and the love of Shunsui.  If it had all ended too soon, she could blame no one but herself.  She’d been fully aware of her actions when she committed the crimes in the command post.  What would Shunsui think of her?  
   
She wrapped her arms around herself.  It was cold in the cell.  She’d never felt so alone.  Her pride cracked a little and a few tears escaped down her face, but she rubbed them away and straightened her posture.  Shunsui was sure to come to see her soon.  She didn’t want him to see her crying.  It would hurt him, and Nanao hated to hurt him.  
   
***************************************************************************  
   
But Shunsui didn’t come.  Instead it was Captain Ukitake who swept down the long hallway toward her cell.  It could have been minutes or hours later; Nanao lost all sense of time in the emptiness of the cell.  She dropped her eyes to hide her disappointment.  
   
“Hello, Captain Ukitake,” she said.  She rose from the chair and moved towards the bars so it would be easier for him to see her.  It was dim in the cell.  
   
“Hello, Ise-san.  Kyōraku wanted to come, but Yamamoto-sensei has forbidden him.  He was concerned that Kyōraku might act emotionally where you are concerned.”  Ukitake studied her face.  Nanao was not certain what he might see there, but she was too emotionally drained to try to summon an icy wall around herself.  
   
She nodded, although she was not certain whether to believe Ukitake or not.  He was not the kind of man who told a lot of lies, but he was the kind of man who would try to spare her feelings.  
   
“How are you, Ise-san?”  His voice was warm and gentle.  If he’d lost respect for her, it didn’t show.  
   
“I’m fine.  Thank you for asking, Captain Ukitake.”  Nanao kept her eyes focused on Ukitake’s white hair and his captain’s coat.  Each was very bright in the dimness of the holding area.  
   
“Ise-san, several of the captains submitted formal statements of disapproval regarding your punishment, and we intended to submit requests for reinstatement for you.  It isn’t fair that something like this should be decided without allowing you a trial or any defense from your captain.”  
   
She looked up at him, surprised.  “Several captains?”  
   
“There are some ethical objections to the order you were given, and some also feel that giving Ichigo Kurosaki a chance to fight was the most appropriate choice.  Having the Central 46 decide to destroy human souls is not something we can take lightly.”  Ukitake’s manner was still warm, but there was a darker thread running through his words.  
   
“But that was the order I was given, and I did not follow it.  There was no need for a true trial or a defense because the facts were never in dispute.  I admit to my crimes.”  
   
“But Ise-san, you must know that you have friends who want to help you.  Being stripped of your position for refusing an unjust order is something that we will fight for you.”  
   
Nanao blinked several times.  “I don’t understand.  I admit to what I did.  I knowingly, willfully broke the rules.  That I should be punished for that now is only to be expected.  No one should get into any trouble over this, over me.  That isn’t what I want.”  
   
Ukitake smiled at her.  “You won’t be able to stop your friends from trying to reverse this, Ise-san.  But I will assure you that we are acting within the confines of the law and through all proper channels.”  
   
She nodded.  After a moment she spoke again.  “Please tell Shunsui—Captain Kyōraku—that there is a manual on his desk in the office that outlines all of the important or time-sensitive tasks that I do for the division and how best to divide the responsibility among the other seated officers.  This manual should be helpful in maintaining the division now, and when I am replaced, the person in my position should find it instructive.”  
   
“Kyōraku isn’t going to replace you, Ise-san.  You are the vice captain of the Eighth.”  
   
Nanao looked away, at the wall of her cell.  
   
“You must have known about this for quite a while, to write a manual like that.”  
   
“I was aware from the moment I acted in the command post that this outcome was likely,” Nanao said flatly.  
   
“Ise-san—Kyōraku isn’t going to replace you.  We’re going to pursue this matter and get everything restored to the way it was.”  
   
Nanao did not look at him.  
   
“He wanted to come, Ise-san.  He was angry and upset to be forbidden.”  Ukitake was earnest, but Nanao turned and walked back to the chair, sitting.  
   
“You’re very kind, Captain Ukitake.  Thank you for visiting me.”  
   
“Ise-san—” he started, but stopped when she met his eyes.  
   
“Thank you, Captain Ukitake.  Please tell Captain Kyōraku that I’m sorry for the shame I’ve brought to the division.  Please tell him I’m sorry for everything.”  She clasped her hands together in her lap and stared at them.  
   
“Ise-san, we’re going to get you out of here.  We’re going to fix this.”  
   
Nanao did not speak.  
   
Ukitake sighed, long and low.  “We’re going to help you, Ise-san.  Please rely on your friends for now.  Kyōraku will see you as soon as he can get permission from Yamamoto-sensei.”  
   
“Goodbye, Captain Ukitake.”  She raised her head, her face carefully blank.  
   
Ukitake looked like he wanted to continue to argue several points, but eventually he said, “Good night, Ise-san,” and swept back down the hallway.  
   
She stared at her hands in the dim light of the cell.  This time when the tears came she let them fall unchecked.  Shunsui was not coming.  He would not ask her to marry him today; he would never ask her again.  
   
***************************************************************************  
   
Shunsui pushed away from the wall he’d been leaning against outside the First Division gate when Ukitake emerged.  “How is she?” he asked, falling into step with his friend.  
   
Ukitake sighed.  “She was cold, polite, and distant.  She looked tired.”  
   
“Did you tell her why I didn’t come?”  
   
“Yes.” Ukitake’s face was neutral, but they’d been friends for too long for that to fool Shunsui.  
   
“But what?  Tell me, Ukitake.”  
   
“I don’t think she believed me, or—I’m not sure, but I think she wanted to see you.”  Shunsui had already turned around when Ukitake grabbed his arm.  “Be smart, Kyōraku.  Yamamoto-sensei has Ise-san’s fate in his hands, and we’ve already pressed his patience to the outer limit today with our arguments and the statements of disapproval.  We’ll do the requests for her reinstatement and talk to Yamamoto-sensei tomorrow.  She’s safe in the First Division.  It’s better for her if you don’t try Yamamoto-sensei’s temper.”  
   
Shunsui reluctantly turned away from the First Division.  They walked toward Ukitake’s house at Ugendō, though Shunsui did not particularly care where they went.  Yama-jii had refused to let him see Nanao and Ukitake had convinced him that it was best for the moment to go along with the old man, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.  “What else did she say?”  
   
“I told her we were working on her behalf, and she tried to refuse it.”  
   
“Stubborn Nanao-chan.”  
   
“She said that she’s left a manual to running the division on the desk in your office, and that it would help keep things going now and for her replacement.”  Ukitake paused to cough a little, and Shunsui waited for the spell to pass.  There was no blood, so it didn’t seem too serious.  
   
“There’s not going to be a replacement for Nanao-chan.”  
   
“I told her that, Kyōraku.  I made everything as positive as I could.  She wouldn’t respond.  Ise-san asked me to tell ‘Captain Kyōraku’ that she is sorry for shaming the division and sorry for everything.”  Ukitake’s eyes were solemn as he watched Shunsui.  
   
“No.  No to all of that.  She called me Captain Kyōraku?”  He felt something twist in his heart.  
   
“Yes.”  
   
“I asked her to marry me yesterday.  And today it’s Captain Kyōraku?”  He rubbed his chest.   
   
“I’m sure she didn’t mean to be hurtful,” Ukitake said.  Shunsui would have smiled to hear his friend defend Nanao at any other time, but nothing could break his dark mood now.  
   
“Of course she didn’t intend to hurt me.  Nanao-chan cares about me.  Captain Kyōraku.  That many steps back—and she didn’t come to me about this—” He sighed, rubbed one hand over his face.  “Damn it.”  
   
“She’s in a scary position.”  
   
“I have to see her tomorrow.  Whether Yama-jii consents or not.  That I have to leave her in a holding cell tonight is bad enough.  And it’s not even at the Eighth, where I could stay with her.  She has nightmares.”  
   
“I’m sorry, Kyōraku.”  Ukitake studied his profile.  “Will you be alright?”  
   
“I’ll be alright when Nanao is alright.”  Shunsui shook his head.  “I didn’t even suspect it was something on this scale.  I assumed the complaint was bothering her and that I could easily deal with that for her when Yama-jii lifted the confidentiality.”  
   
“To have suspected this would have required knowledge about the soul-destroying machines that we didn’t have until today.  I can’t believe something like that has been created, and that we considered using such technology.  But you’ve done everything you could.”  
   
“She carried this secret alone for weeks.  I should have dug harder.  I should have gotten her to tell me after we fought about the complaint.”  
   
“If you’d gotten her to tell you by breaking her pride and using her feelings for you against her, what would the cost have been?  Something like that could destroy a relationship.”  Ukitake could be right, but Shunsui couldn’t be eased by his words.  
   
“What I could have done or should have done doesn’t matter now.  Where are we on the requests for reinstatement from the other captains?  Is the Eleventh Division going to be a problem?”  
   
“Yachiru-chan has promised that Captain Zaraki’s request will be delivered to the First tomorrow morning.”  
   
“Oh?  How did you manage that?”  Yachiru was nearly more unruly than her captain.  
   
“Apparently she’s quite fond of Ise-san through their association with the Shinigami Women’s Association.”  
   
“Nanao-chan has more friends than she thinks,” Shunsui said, and nearly smiled at the thought.  
   
“Indeed.  There are a few people at my house working on their requests.  I’ve had dinner prepared as well.”  Ukitake slowed as they reached the gate to Ugendō.   
   
“Toshiro-kun and Hisagi-kun will be here?”  
   
“Yes.  And Matsumoto-san as well.  She’s promised to get the Third Seat of the Fifth Division to write a request, since Hinamori-san is incapable at the moment.”  
   
Shunsui nodded.  “If this doesn’t work, we’re going to do things my way.”  Shunsui walked up to the door of Ukitake’s house.  
   
“If this doesn’t work, we’re going to have a lot of new problems,” Ukitake said, and went to greet his guests with a smile.


	33. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Sasakibe came for Nanao in the pre-dawn hours.  She hadn’t slept—couldn’t—and stared out of the barred window, watching the leaves sway on the only tree within her view.  She thought Shunsui might be amused that she was finally spending time meditating on trees without doing anything else, but the thought of Shunsui stung.  She studied the tree and tried to think of nothing at all.  
   
But it was impossible not to think of him.  She needed to see his face.  No matter what Captain Ukitake said, she couldn’t know what Shunsui thought of her without seeing his eyes.  She wished now that she’d looked at him in the meeting room, but she’d barely been holding onto her composure then.  If she’d turned to him and seen disgust or disappointment, she might have broken.  
   
The tree barely moved in the chill wind.  She watched it with perfect focus, counting the leaves on each branch.  
   
Nanao turned without interest at the sound of footsteps in the hall.  
   
“Good morning, Ise-san.  I hope I am not disturbing your rest.”  
   
“Not at all, Sasakibe-san.  Good morning.”  She left the window and came to stand near the bars of the cell.  
   
“Captain Yamamoto would like to see you now, if that is acceptable to you,” he said, unlocking the cell.  
   
Nanao appreciated his courtesy even though there was no actual choice in the matter.  “Certainly, Sasakibe-san.”  
   
He led her through several of the same corridors they’d come down on the way to the cell, but he detoured from the meeting area to take her to the captain commander’s office.  Despite the darkness of the hour, the room was well-lit and warm.  Captain Yamamoto sorted through papers on the desk in front of him.  “Come forward.”  
   
“Yes, sir.”  She walked to wait a few feet in front of his desk.  She wondered if he’d slept at all, or if he no longer needed to take rest.  He ignored her for several minutes, handing papers to Sasakibe with gruff words of instruction.  Sasakibe left the room with a sizeable stack of orders.  
   
“Shunsui and Jūshirō have spent several hours of my time attempting to persuade me not only to assign you no further punishment but also to ignore or set aside the judgment from the Central 46.”  His eyes regarded her as if she were a bug on the end of a pin.  She locked her knees to avoid collapsing to the floor under the stab of his gaze.  
   
“Sir,” she said, forcing her voice out through her closed throat.  
   
“They wish for me to ignore the orders of the Central 46.  Those sages and judges are the lawmakers, Nanao Ise, and without law we can have no order.  Without order there can be only chaos and escalating acts of criminality.  You have committed crimes against our organization, and you have been judged for it by the law.  Disregarding that judgment recklessly would be inviting further acts of lawlessness, not only by you, but by all who are aware of what transpired.  It cannot be done.”  
   
“Yes, sir.  I would never expect such an action for myself, sir.”  Icy sweat slipped down her back.  
   
His eyes sharpened even more.  She couldn’t breathe under the pressure.  He grunted and looked back down at his papers.  “You really wouldn’t, would you?”  
   
She couldn’t speak, gasping for the air she hadn’t been able to draw under his stare.  
   
“Very well then, Nanao Ise.  I have an assignment for you, should you choose to accept it.”  
   
Her eyes widened.  “An assignment, sir?”  
   
Yamamoto looked back at her face, but his gaze was not so weighted as before.  “Yes.  Although you have been stripped of your rank, you are still a shinigami at this time.  Given your years of service to our organization, I have decided to offer you an assignment before deciding on further consequences for your crimes or passing judgment on the matter of the complaint.  If you choose to accept this assignment, I will take your performance into consideration.”  
   
“What is the assignment, sir?”  
   
He pulled up a thin set of pages and held them out.  She came up to take them from him.  “If you accept this assignment, you will enter Hueco Mundo and send reports on the activities of Captain Kurotsuchi.  There is some level of risk with this mission.”  
   
“Sir, do you suspect some untoward activity is occurring?  Is there something in particular that I am to look for, sir?”  Nanao wanted to read the papers, but it would be disrespectful not to give the captain commander her full attention.  
   
“You are to observe and report on the activities of Captain Kurotsuchi.  Those reports are to be sealed with the highest level of kidō you are capable of imparting to a paper.  You are not to share the contents of your reports with any member of the Twelfth Division, including its captain.”  
   
“Sir, if you suspect Captain Kurotsuchi of something—”  
   
“Nanao Ise,” he interrupted.  Nanao’s mouth closed so quickly her teeth made a _clack_ when they came together.  “I have given you the full assignment.  The exact details of the installation at Hueco Mundo and your method of report delivery are in the mission papers.  There is some unspecified risk involved with this assignment.  If you do not wish to accept this mission, if you have no pride in yourself as a shinigami and you are content to let Shunsui and Jūshirō work for your freedom, then that is your choice to make and you may return to your cell now.”  
   
If she had any pride in her work—Nanao’s spine straightened.  “I will accept the mission, sir.”  
   
Yamamoto nodded.  “Good.  My vice captain will give you the necessary supplies and lead you to the Garganta for transport.  You will leave immediately.”  Sasakibe opened the office door, waiting.  
   
“Yes, sir.”  Nanao bowed low and followed Sasakibe out of the office and towards the sands of Hueco Mundo.   
   
****************************************************************************  
   
Shunsui stepped out onto Ukitake’s porch.  The sun was rising slowly and seemed to have just pulled back from a kiss with the water.  He sat on the smooth wood, rubbing his eyes.  It’d taken all night to get the various complaints and requests together from the captains and vice captains.  
   
He turned his head at the sound of footsteps.  Rangiku clunked a tray down and then sat next to it.  “It’s tea.  You should have some.”  
   
“This isn’t what we usually drink together.”  He accepted a cup of tea from her hand.  
   
“Nanao-san asked me to take care of you.  She’d be mad if I gave you sake at dawn.”  She sipped from her cup, making a face.  “It’s strong.”  
   
“She asked you to do that?”  He sipped his tea.  “None of this was a surprise to her.”  
   
“I can’t imagine it was.  She’s too smart not to know the consequences of what she’d done.”  
   
“Soul-destroying machines—”  
   
“It’s crap.”  Rangiku flipped her hair.  “A crazy order like that—”  
   
“Yama-jii knew what he was doing.”  Shunsui felt anger curling around his heart like a burning snake.  He pressed it down.  
   
“I’ve been thinking the same thing, though I wish it was otherwise,” Ukitake said.  He stood in the doorway, pale and rumpled.  They were all rumpled, having never gone home or changed clothes.  
   
“He used Nanao-chan to get the outcome he preferred, knowing that she would pay the price for it.”  Shunsui set his cup on the tray carefully.  
   
“What?  What are you two talking about?”  Rangiku looked from one man to the other.  
   
“We’re saying that Ichigo Kurosaki was always the one with the best potential for stopping Aizen, because he had the necessary power, and much more critically, he’d never seen Aizen’s illusion shikai.”  Ukitake moved to sit near the water.  
   
“But there’s no way Captain Yamamoto could know that Nanao-san wouldn’t obey her orders and that Ichigo-kun would have the chance to fight Aizen.”  Rangiku’s brows were drawn together tightly.  
   
“Oh?  There was no way he could know that Nanao-chan, who broke with the law to follow me to battle against Yama-jii—that Nanao-chan who spent nearly the whole of her life in the Eighth Division, which has always been led with the ideal of avoiding war when possible, and protecting innocents when not—that my clever Nanao-chan who would easily pick up on whatever hints Yama-jii dropped about Ichigo Kurosaki in their conversation—that she would not think carefully about orders to kill one hundred thousand human souls?  There was no way that he could know?  No.  She was his backup plan the entire time.  He used her,” and at this the burning snake coiled high in his throat.  “That old bastard—”  
   
“Calm down, Kyōraku.  This doesn’t help.”  Ukitake raised both hands in front of his chest, palms out.  
   
Rangiku’s mouth opened and closed.  “I can’t believe it,” she said, but the tone of her voice was shocked rather than disbelieving.  
   
“He used my Nanao-chan for his goals so that he could spare his own vice captain.”  
   
“We don’t know that.  He might have needed Sasakibe-san for the barrier at false Karakura—we can’t know that he specifically intended for Ise-san to be prosecuted for this.”  Ukitake was earnest about giving the old man the benefit of the doubt, to believe in his sense of justice and fairness—but Ukitake was always doing that.  
   
Shunsui labored under no such delusions about their mentor.  “What he intended can hardly matter now.  What happens to Nanao-chan is what concerns me most.”  He could remember her face in the meeting room, white and frozen and proud—but he could see her underneath, and she had been frightened.  Yama-jii had put her in that position, deliberately.  
   
He wondered if she’d had nightmares in her cell at the First—she’d confided in him when he’d asked, the other night, only a few words— _I’m alone, in a dead world, and I can’t find you_ —but it made him burn again to imagine it.  His eyes closed and he searched for her reiatsu at the First, to reassure himself that she was whole and fine, but there was a blank where Nanao should have been.  He expanded his search for her, to the other divisions, to all of Seireitei, to the whole of Soul Society.  “She’s gone.”  Shunsui stood and prepared to flash to the First.  
   
“What?”  Ukitake stood, placing a bracing hand on Shunsui’s shoulder.  “Ise-san?”  
   
“She’s gone, Ukitake, she’s not anywhere.”  
   
Ukitake’s brows drew together, and Shunsui felt the brush of his reiatsu searching Soul Society.  “It can’t be—he wouldn’t exile her without a word—there has to be some mistake!”  
   
“Let’s go and ask him,” Shunsui said.  He tensed for flash step.  
   
“Be calm, Kyōraku.  He knows where she is.  He’s the only one who can restore her to her proper home.  We can’t risk offending him.”  
   
Ukitake was right—Shunsui knew it—but it was still a bitter taste in his mouth.  “We’ll just ask.  We’re Yama-jii’s favorite students, aren’t we?”  He smiled, but there was no pleasure in it.  
   
Rangiku stood.  “Is there anything I can do?”  
   
“If Toshirō-kun will allow it, could you go to the Eighth and make sure everything is running smoothly?  Nanao-chan will be angry if the division falls apart while she’s away.”  Shunsui tipped his hat over his eyes.  
   
“I’ll make sure it’s going well.  My captain won’t mind.  Everything will be just as Nanao-san would want.  Well, close enough, anyway.”  Rangiku flashed away.  
   
“Ukitake.”  
   
“I know.  I said I was with you, didn’t I?  Your memory must be going, Kyōraku.”  Ukitake grinned, and the burning rage in Shunsui’s throat retreated.  He would be calm now, for his friend’s loyalty and for Nanao’s sake.  
   
“Let’s go and have breakfast with Yama-jii,” he said with an icy smile.

****************************************************************************  
   
Sasakibe nearly didn’t let them in, but Ukitake worked to smooth over the situation.  “This collection of requests was entrusted to us by the other captains, Vice Captain Sasakibe, and we wish to completely respect the trust they’ve placed in us by hand-delivering the papers to Yamamoto-sensei.”  
   
“I understand, Captain Ukitake, but I can assure you Captain Yamamoto will receive your papers today if delivered through appropriate channels—”  
   
Shunsui took off walking towards Yama-jii’s office.  Ukitake followed him, throwing a quick “Thank you very much for your assistance, Vice Captain Sasakibe,” over his shoulder.  He sighed at Shunsui.  “You could have waited.  I would have gotten through.”  
   
“Yama-jii has to be expecting us this morning.  I don’t see why I should wait through a recitation of rules on document delivery by his vice captain.”  
   
“Because politeness and subtlety would serve your cause better in this situation.  I’m certain you’re aware of that.”  Ukitake laid a hand on his arm.  
   
“I’m saving it all for Yama-jii.”  He smiled and Ukitake dropped his hand.  Shunsui allowed Ukitake to knock and announce them, and waited for Yama-jii’s approval to enter.  He knew how to play this game.  It was just so much harder when Nanao’s fate was at stake.  
   
“Good morning, Yamamoto-sensei.  Thank you for seeing us so early.  We’ve brought requests for the reinstatement of Nanao Ise from all of the divisions.”  
   
Yama-jii grunted and Ukitake brought the pages forward to his desk.  “You may bring as many requests as you like.  It cannot change what must be done in the face of admitted crimes.”  
   
“Yet surely as the matter now rests in your hands, it is possible to exercise some leniency in this case.  Certainly the outcome that was achieved was far better than the destruction of all living souls in Karakura town would have been.”  Ukitake was earnest and Shunsui felt a surge of appreciation for his friend—he was trying so hard for Nanao, and before he was fully recovered from his war injuries.  
   
“On the contrary, in a case like this, the outcome is entirely irrelevant.  The crimes committed could have jeopardized the Soul King and the universe.  We cannot set aside the crimes because the outcome was acceptable to Soul Society.”  Yama-jii focused narrowed eyes on Shunsui.  
   
“Yama-jii, are you saying you didn’t have another plan in place in case Ichigo Kurosaki couldn’t defeat Aizen?  I find that hard to believe, given how carefully you planned your way around the orders of Central 46.  Surely there was some shadowed person waiting in the wings with a hand on the soul-killing switch if Nanao failed to act.  I’m curious.  Did you give that task to Nanao just to spare your vice captain, or did you have some other reason?”  Shunsui smiled.  His voice was only idly interested, though that burning anger still coiled around his throat.  
   
 “Your disrespect towards the justice system is well known, Shunsui, but Nanao Ise admitted her crimes and accepted that she will face punishment for her deeds.  That girl has more respect for her role as a shinigami than you have displayed to date in this matter.”  He slapped his hand on the desk for emphasis.  
   
Shunsui smiled, but it was cold.  “Nanao has always been an excellent officer.  But I’ve noticed that she seems to be missing from First Division this morning.”  
   
Ukitake jumped in, trying to ease the rising tension.  “Indeed, Yamamoto-sensei, we were most concerned to observe that Ise-san is no longer in Soul Society.  It was suggested that you may already taken action on the complaint.  However, I am certain that cannot be the case, since regulations require that Ise-san be permitted a defense from her captain before judgment can be rendered.”  
   
Yama-jii flipped through the requests Ukitake had placed on his desk.  “I have offered Nanao Ise a mission with the understanding I would take the results of this mission into consideration when rendering my judgment.  My decision on further punishment in the matter of her crimes and judgment in the matter of the complaint are both delayed until this mission is completed.  Rest assured that Shunsui will have appropriate time to render whatever defense he wishes for the complaint.”  
   
“Where did you send her?”  Shunsui bit down hard on the curse that rose in his throat when he spoke to Yama-jii.  
   
“The mission’s scope and location are confidential.”  
   
“Unless the regulations have changed recently, even if Nanao was stripped of her rank, she would still belong to the Eighth Division.  Is it the practice of the First to send members of other divisions out on missions now?”  Shunsui’s eyes narrowed.  
   
“Nanao Ise was uniquely suited to this particular mission.  She was given the option of going, and chose to accept.  As I have said, that girl has respect for her position as a shinigami.”  Yama-jii met Shunsui’s hard stare evenly.  
   
“You had no right—”  
   
“Yamamoto-sensei, it is most irregular to send someone of another division on a mission without consulting her captain.”  Ukitake interrupted before Shunsui could say something that might damage Nanao’s prospects.  
   
Shunsui glanced away to the window.  He needed to keep his cool, but his legendary serenity seemed to be in short supply at present.  
   
“Oh?  I gave that girl an opportunity to help herself in a dire situation, and she has accepted.  Did you expect her to sit in a holding cell while you presented character references and pushed the other captains to write out letters for you?”  He grunted.  “Every shinigami should have pride in their work, in their duty.  Nanao Ise has shown a proper measure of that pride.”  
   
He could see it so easily, how Yama-jii would have manipulated her into this mission just as he had originally manipulated her to get the outcome he desired for the war.  _Proud, stubborn Nanao-chan_ , he thought, and cursed himself for not imagining this possibility.  
   
“Although the details of the mission are confidential, perhaps you could give a timeline for Ise-san’s anticipated return?”  Ukitake maintained his diplomatic edge well, but Nanao wasn’t to him what she was to Shunsui.  
   
“No.”  
   
Shunsui closed his eyes briefly.  When he opened them he focused on Yama-jii and spoke slowly and clearly.  “I know what you did in the war, and I even agree that it was probably the best way to secure a good outcome if we failed in the false Karakura.  But you used Nanao as a tool in your plan, and that is not acceptable to me.  Nanao is my vice captain, and it is improper of you to use my subordinates without my agreement.  More than that, Nanao is mine.  You’ll probably want to weigh that when you make your decisions about Nanao, because whatever you do, I stand with her.”  
   
“You cannot base your decisions on emotion, Shunsui.  It is inappropriate for someone of your rank to act so selfishly.  Captains must act for the good of all Soul Society, and for the greater good of the universe itself.”  
   
He considered that for half a second.  “I’ve acted as you say a captain must for a very, very long time.  I’ve done many terrible things for the greater good.  But this is different for me.  If you pressed the issue, I would still choose Nanao.  As I said, you’ll probably want to consider that.  I’m only trying to provide you with all the information you need to make the best decisions for the good of Soul Society.”  He smiled again, a cold curve of his lips.  
   
“Insolence,” Yama-jii said.  He made a sound of disgust and began to read through the request letters.  
   
“Thank you for your time, Yamamoto-sensei.  I hope we can find an agreeable outcome for all parties involved here.  Please notify us if you can provide any further information on Ise-san or if you require any further documentation for your consideration.”  Ukitake bowed and nudged Shunsui until he inclined his head slightly.  
   
They left immediately.  Shunsui gave the old man one last look, conveying without words what he could not say while Yama-jii held the balance of Nanao’s fate in his hands.  
   
Outside the First, Ukitake leaned against a wall.  “Those eyes.”  He sighed.  
   
“I don’t think I can forgive him for this.”  Shunsui looked up at the cloudless sky.  It was a beautiful day, but everything felt flat without Nanao.  
   
“Don’t say that, not yet.  Give him a chance to make it right.”  Ukitake began to cough.  
   
“You need to rest.”  Shunsui waited until the coughing fit had passed, then followed Ukitake into shunpo.  At Ugendō he bypassed Ukitake’s Third Seats and helped him to his bedroom.  
   
Ukitake waved him away.  “I’m fine, this isn’t that bad.  I just need more sleep.”  
   
Shunsui nodded.  “Thank you, for Yama-jii, and everything else.”  
   
Ukitake waved that away, too.  “We stand together.  It’s what we’ve always done.  Ise-san is important to your happiness, and she’s a worthy individual in her own right.  She deserves all of the effort we can give her.”  
   
Shunsui smiled, small but real.  Ukitake was a good man by every definition, and a good friend.  If there’d been a little longing in his words, it was understandable.  They’d rarely spoken of it, but Shunsui knew Ukitake was a man who’d been born into a large family, who loved family life, who would have headed his own family with love and happiness.  That his illness and his work had taken his opportunities to have what he wanted hadn’t made him bitter; he loved his division, his friends, his work, and if he occasionally showered candy on the younger members of the Gotei 13, it was a minor eccentricity.  
   
Ukitake could and would genuinely celebrate Shunsui’s happiness, but that didn’t mean he didn’t still wish for a similar happiness.  “We’re not old yet, Ukitake.”  
   
Ukitake considered that as he slipped into bed in a white robe.  “We’re pretty old, Kyōraku.”  
   
Shunsui shook his head.  “We’re not too old for the young girls to swoon at us.  I have Nanao-chan, and you should see your ranking in the SWA polls, Ukitake.  I was very jealous.”  
   
“I doubt very much that Ise-san has ever swooned in her life.  They take polls about men in the SWA?”  He settled against a stack of pillows, elevating his head and chest for easier breathing.  
   
“They take polls and votes about everything.  It’s an amazing organization.  But I have it on the best authority that you came in second in their most recent poll of men, directly after Byakuya-kun.”  Shunsui filled a glass of water from a pitcher and set it near the bed.  
   
“That’s a high honor indeed.”  Ukitake smiled and shook his head.  
   
“Get some rest.”  
   
“You should as well, Kyōraku.  Everything will come out alright, you’ll see.  Yamamoto-sensei will make it right.”  
   
Shunsui nodded, though he was far from sharing his friend’s faith.  He closed the door behind him and stared for a long minute at the fish in the pond below.  Nanao was right; there was something odd about some of the fish.  They were positively enormous.  He leaned against a post.  
   
Somewhere in the house, Ukitake’s Third Seats were fighting in whispers about which flowering plants they should have in the main room.  The sun was warm on his face, though the air was crisp.  Winter would come soon.  Would he have Nanao with him by then?  He’d failed her, as a captain and as a man.  That was indisputable, but he would not fail her any further by letting her life be jeopardized.  
   
He watched the fish swim under the water.  Had she deflected his marriage proposal out of misplaced guilt or genuine reluctance?  He’d let it go, not because of what she said, but because of what was in her voice—longing and need—and he’d never been able to refuse her, not when she needed something from him.  
   
Even if she came back healthy and whole—no, when she came back healthy and whole—it was going to be a mess.  He ran a hand over his face.  “Stubborn, proud Nanao-chan.”  He’d thought that they were finally on the same ground, standing in the same spot, reaching for the same things together.  He’d been wrong.


	34. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

The Garganta was a strange experience. The opening dropped off into complete darkness, unlike the clearly defined, if spongy, walls and floor of the Dangai.

Nanao wasn't alone on her trip. Akon, the horned technician of the Twelfth Division, led a procession of members of the Twelfth carting boxes, cages, and instruments of all kinds, stacked high in wagons and strapped to their backs.

The path they walked was a pristine white streak in the blackness of their surroundings, but the exotic effect was ruined by the prosaic chatter of the Twelfth: "I'm hungry. It takes so long to deliver these things and get back to Seireitei, we won't be having lunch until after dinner."

"The sand there gets _everywhere_. I spend hours washing after these trips, it's a pain!"

"Hey, don't let the captain hear you complaining like this, or you'll really regret it," Akon said.

They arrived after an indeterminable length of time. On the other end of the Garganta, it was night in an endless desert. Hueco Mundo, Nanao thought, and shivered. There was something decidedly wrong about being a shinigami in the home territory of Hollows.

"Come on, don't just stand around. Let's get this done." Akon gestured to the members of the Twelfth milling around outside the Garganta. He led them down a set of stairs cut in the sand and through a winding tunnel.

Nanao knew from the information that the captain commander had given her that the research facility Captain Kurotsuchi had set up here was primarily built out of a pre-existing structure Aizen and his soldiers had used as headquarters. Eventually they surfaced under a broken dome of blue sky. It was contrasted against the night of Hueco Mundo radiating darkness through holes in the dome, and created an odd sensation of existing outside of time.

The doors to a large white building creaked open. Captain Kurotsuchi emerged from the shadows of the doors, Nemu following close behind him. "What are you waiting for? Get my new equipment set up!" He barked orders and threats at his division members.

Nanao squared her shoulders and approached. "Good morning, Captain Kurotsuchi."

He turned to regard her without interest. "Eh? You? You aren't one of mine. Aren't you that woman from the Eighth?"

"It's Vice Captain Ise of the Eighth Division, Mayuri-sama." Nemu smiled very slightly.

"What? Why are you here? I didn't request any additional subjects." Kurotsuchi continued to watch the equipment flow into his dark laboratory.

"I have been sent by Captain Commander Yamamoto to make a review of your facility, Captain Kurotsuchi," Nanao said.

Now he gave her his full attention. An unpleasant sensation crawled on her skin. "A review of my facility? This is most unacceptable. I cannot have my work interrupted so that random females from other divisions can wander through. I refuse."

"This is an order from the First Division. It cannot be refused." She pulled a folded paper from her book and handed it to him.

He read from it, snorting. "Oh, the arrogance—as if I have so much leisure that I can spare hours and hours to lead someone around my facility, explaining my work—this is most unpleasant. How long is this foolishness to last?"

"I regret any inconvenience, Captain Kurotsuchi, but I must fulfill my duty as assigned by the First Division. The inspection will continue until the captain commander is satisfied that a complete report has been made." Nanao adjusted her glasses.

"Feh. Very well. Nemu, see to it. And orders from the First Division or not, I will not tolerate any interference in my schedule, remember that. How irritating this is!" Kurotsuchi spun away to shout at his workers with renewed vigor.

"Nanao-san, please come with me." Nemu turned away from the laboratory to another building, half-demolished, standing nearby. They entered the portion of the building still standing. It was surprisingly intact—if Nanao hadn't seen the outside, she wouldn't have known it wasn't a complete structure. "The quarters for the laboratory staff are here. I will assign you one of the unused rooms."

"When will I be able to begin my inspection?"

Nemu hesitated. "It might be most prudent to wait until Mayuri-sama takes his rest. He goes into an unconscious state for six and one half hours each day. Entering the laboratory for an inspection while Mayuri-sama is working might be dangerous for you, Nanao-san." She opened a thick white door in a hall full of them. "This room is currently unoccupied. You are welcome to use it during your stay, Nanao-san."

"Thank you for your assistance, Nemu-san. It is very important that I conduct my inspection promptly." She entered the small room, containing a large couch, one table and chair.

Nemu nodded. "I understand that you must fulfill your orders, Nanao-san. It is possible for me to bring you to the laboratory while Mayuri-sama takes his rest."

"That would be ideal, but don't you need to sleep as well?"

"I require very little rest. I am designed to avoid wasting Mayuri-sama's precious time with long periods of unconsciousness."

Nanao nodded. "Let's plan to do that, then. Thank you, Nemu-san."

Nemu took a step towards the door, then half-turned back to Nanao. "It is pleasant to see you again, Nanao-san."

"It's nice to see you too, Nemu-san." Nanao smiled.

Alone in the white room Nanao's smile dropped. She tugged the bag off her back, making neat piles of the contents on the table. A clean shitagi, a logbook for the mission, special report paper that could hold kidō, ink and brush, dried meats and fruits, and two water containers. There was nothing of a personal nature.

She rubbed her bicep. Without her vice captain's badge her arm felt oddly light. She hadn't mentioned her recent loss of rank, and she was sure the orders to Captain Kurotsuchi had not, either. It was better if he assumed she was a person of some importance. Although Captain Kurotsuchi was not particularly respectful of position, it was less likely he'd murder her at random to avoid inconvenience if he believed he might get into some trouble for it. Certainly Kurotsuchi would not want to battle Captain Kyōraku over "misplacing" his vice captain.

She sank down into the white couch. What was Shunsui doing now? She'd lost all sense of time traveling through the Garganta and standing under the dome in Hueco Mundo. Had he noticed she was gone yet? She pulled the stolen hairpin out of her sleeve, turning it over in her hand.

He hadn't come to see her at the First. She'd been surprised by that. Whatever Captain Ukitake said, Shunsui had never been someone who gave weight to following the rules simply because they were there. Perhaps he was angry; after all, she'd effectively lied by omission to him for weeks. She cringed and curled up into a ball.

Sleep seemed impossible in this strange place, but she was determined to try anyway. She hadn't slept in her holding cell and there was no way to know how long she might be in Hueco Mundo. Adequate rest could be critical to her success.

She dropped her glasses and hairclip on the table and lay down on the couch. Her eyes closed. The hairpin clutched in her hand bit into her flesh, but she tightened her grip. The edges of the hairpin might hurt, but it gave her proof that the last two weeks were real. With her eyes closed, she could nearly smell the flowers in the secret garden, taste the wine in her cup, and feel Shunsui's hands on her skin.

**************************************************************************

Something very wrong was happening in the laboratory at Hueco Mundo. Nanao determined that within minutes of her first inspection of Kurotsuchi's laboratory. That was hardly a revelation, however; that the Twelfth under Kurotsuchi was doing unethical or inappropriate research was not exactly new information.

"What are these corpses used for?" Nanao asked, studying partially dissected Arrancar bodies. They were very human in appearance, and her stomach twisted.

"Research." Nemu stood next to Nanao, her eyes attentive and her face entirely blank.

"What kind of research?"

"Mayuri-sama has forbidden me to speak to you about the specifics of his work. My apologies, Nanao-san."

Nanao nodded. This was not particularly surprising, either—Nanao wasn't sure if Nemu's free will could override direct orders from Kurotsuchi. She believed Nemu possessed some free will, since she participated in activities for the SWA that Kurotsuchi could not possibly have approved of, but had likely never directly forbidden, either. "I understand you have orders you cannot disobey. I can conduct my inspection without further information from you, please do not worry."

Nemu nodded. Nanao thought she saw relief in the girl's green eyes. "Nanao-san," she said, laying a hesitant hand on Nanao's arm.

"Yes?"

"Nanao-san, it would be best if you would stop your investigation and return to Soul Society. Mayuri-sama will not tolerate any interference in his work and I am concerned that he may become—displeased by your efforts."

Nanao sighed. "I take your point, believe me, I do. Unfortunately I, too, have orders that I cannot disobey. It's very important that I conduct this inspection. Thank you for your concern, Nemu-san. I appreciate it."

"I do not believe this can lead to a good outcome, Nanao-san."

"You may be right."

*************************************************************************

Shunsui sat behind his desk in the office at nine in the morning, considering the brief note Yoruichi Shihōin had dropped off earlier. _She is not in the Living World. I have made a very thorough scan, and nothing remotely resembling the reiatsu signature of Nanao Ise has been found. I have double-checked this result via other methods and reached the same conclusion again. Apologies, Urahara._

Unspoken in the note but obvious to Shunsui underneath the words was the rebuke by Urahara: Y _ou should be more careful with your vice captains, you seem to keep misplacing them._

He rubbed a hand over his face. Three days and the most he'd been able to do was discover where Nanao wasn't. The handful of locations that remained where Nanao could be weren't places he would ever have wanted Nanao to go. Truthfully they weren't even places he would ever go if he had a choice in the matter.

Yama-jii remained tight-lipped about Nanao's whereabouts. "That girl is fine, Shunsui. I have received information about her only this morning. Your concern is unseemly."

Unseemly. That seemed like something Nanao would have said. _"You're ridiculous, sir. This behavior is most unseemly."_

A knock at the door drew his eyes away from the politely accusing note. "What is it?"

One of the Eleventh Seats appeared in the doorway. "Ah, the new furniture is here? We have orders from Vice Captain Ise?" All of her statements ended in questions. His good cheer was greatly diminished by the loss of Nanao, and their division members weren't much better off. Nanao had given them all purpose.

He waved them in. Several members hurried through the door and lifted up and out the various pieces of furniture in the seating arrangement between the two desks. This kept happening; Nanao was giving orders from beyond Soul Society. The first time his troops had done something on orders from Vice Captain Ise after she'd disappeared, he'd been shocked and demanded to know how she'd given the orders. The officers showed him their orders, all inscribed with the neat handwriting of Nanao.

She'd left orders for nearly every individual in the division, ranging from ordering ink to leading sword classes. Shunsui had hurried to his desk to see if she'd left him anything, and she had—a seventy-five page manual on her work as a vice captain. Not a single character addressed to him personally, not a single word of affection or apology.

He wondered if he'd really expected it to be otherwise.

The furniture in the center of the room was all removed. Division members hauled in new furniture, large pieces in neutral beige. Nanao did tend to favor the safe choices, didn't she? He watched without interest as the shinigami arranged the furniture, consulting from pages he was sure had been written by Nanao. She'd probably diagramed the furniture arrangement, down to the throw pillows.

The pink throw pillows.

The furniture arranged to Nanao's specifications, the division members retreated from his office. He rose and walked over to the new sofa, considering. There were two new chairs and a new table, as well. He sat in the middle of the sofa. It was deep and comfortable. The throw pillows were an exact match for the color of cherry blossoms. He shifted until he was lying down. The sofa was large enough to accommodate him and the pillows were supportive and firm.

Did she love him or not?

He'd been nearly certain that she did, but she'd refused to answer his proposal and she hadn't trusted him with the truth about her alleged crimes. Yet here he was on a sofa that was undoubtedly chosen by practical Nanao, a sofa large enough for him to nap on, a sofa with unnecessarily pink throw pillows.

Shunsui rose from the sofa and left his office, barely responding to the greetings from other shinigami. At the door to her quarters he hesitated and then entered, closing the door behind him. All of Nanao's possessions were boxed up and stacked in an orderly pile in the center of the room. He remembered the bewilderment of Rangiku, returned from helping at the Eighth's offices: "All of her things are gone from her desk. There's nothing there but some standard brushes and blank paper."

She'd been puzzled, but he'd understood. Standing in this room he could almost hear Nanao's thoughts. _It's better if I pack every thing now. It'll be easier for everyone to forget me that way._

"Easier, Nanao-chan?" He took the top box from her stack and opened it. It was items from her desk—a brush set he'd gifted her, lovely wooden desk accessories from Rangiku, a spare fan, and poetry he'd written to her.

Another box and another. He sorted through her life, trying to find some sign that he hadn't been wrong.

It was a plain wooden box, hidden under neat piles of her clothes inside a crate. The contents were all wrapped in plain paper. He lifted out a square item, revealed as a copy of the photo Rangiku had taken at the summer party, the photo of Nanao and Shunsui smiling at each other. Why hadn't she ever put this out with her other pictures? Why keep a copy if she'd not intended to display it?

The other contents of the box were just as odd: river stones, a walnut, a pair of ceramic chopsticks for her hair he'd gotten for her birthday one year, carefully dried flowers, an empty container of melon-flavored beeswax for her lips, pages and pages of things he'd written to her and drawn for her, and at the very bottom, wrapped in three layers of paper, a scorched scrap of pink silk. He pulled that out, turning it over in his hands. It was from one of his old haoris—Nanao always called them that, despite knowing that they were all cheap women's kimonos—one that she'd destroyed on the day of the interdivisional training with the Eleventh long ago.

He carefully refolded the paper over the fabric, replacing the contents of the box as he'd found them, all except the photo from the party. His fingers traced her smiling face in the picture. "Nanao-chan."

Rising, he tucked the photo into his uniform and headed out of her quarters to find some division members. He had a task for them.

****************************************************************************

Nanao was fairly sure that Mayuri Kurotsuchi was trying to kill her. It wasn't anything she could confirm absolutely, of course. There'd been three accidents in the four days she'd been in Hueco Mundo. Once, a large section of the ceiling of the residence building collapsed while she was directly under it. Brisk shunpo saved her life that time, and she silently thanked Shunsui for all of the Friday training sessions that had increased her speed.

The next time, a mechanical arm in the laboratory had malfunctioned, clawing for her throat with a machine's singular focus. She'd blocked that with her tantō, escaping with a pair of bruises to the side of her neck.

Then acid had spilled from a supposedly shatterproof container, landing on her sleeves and pant legs. Nemu had aided her in escaping from her clothes quickly, and Nanao was grateful for the fact she did not have her uniforms specifically tailored to fit, as Rangiku did. The excess fabric of her uniform and Nemu's action had saved her life. Nemu walked her back to her quarters in her underwear and a lab coat, and then brought Nanao a couple of Nemu's miniskirted uniforms. It was not exactly Nanao's style, but she thanked her sincerely anyway.

And then there was the food. Nanao hadn't detected anything off about the meals served in Hueco Mundo, but when fresh fruits began to appear in her room, she felt some suspicion. She'd asked Nemu about it. "It might be prudent to consider the fruit as a decoration, Nanao-san," the girl said, her eyes downcast.

Nanao wondered, not for the first time, how Mayuri Kurotsuchi had continued to be a captain when he was so obviously insane and ill-intentioned. In terms of her report, she'd reached a conclusion about the nature of his work and was prepared to send that conclusion to Captain Commander Yamamoto. Kurotsuchi was either planning to build his own Arrancar army or planning to Hollowfy shinigami. She wasn't positive which he was doing—he could be doing both, actually—but based on all that she'd observed and the reports she'd read as background for this mission and in the past, he was definitely operating outside the boundaries of legal, permissible research.

She marched through the underground corridor towards the location the Garganta would be opening at today. Her report was complete and heavy in her hand, weighed down with intense kidō locks and spells intended to harm unauthorized people who might attempt to read the pages.

Nanao emerged under the eternal night of Hueco Mundo, surprised to see Captain Kurotsuchi and Nemu but no one else. "Where is the Garganta?" she asked.

"It's not coming for another hour. Nemu, now." Kurotsuchi pointed at Nanao.

Nemu leaped behind Nanao and wrapped her in a tight bear hug. "Nemu-san?"

"Please do not struggle, Nanao-san. You might be injured." Nemu's voice was soft.

"Get that report, Nemu. Break her arm if necessary."

"Please drop the report, Nanao-san."

Nanao dropped the packet of pages to the sand. She didn't want to force Nemu to hurt her, and the girl didn't seem capable of disobeying Kurotsuchi.

"Thank you, Nanao-san," she said, and sounded relieved.

Kurotsuchi approached, bending for the report. "Hrmph. So much effort for something so petty as this. Did you imagine I would simply let you walk out of here with this information? My work cannot be interrupted. I don't expect the ridiculous Gotei 13 to appreciate my genius, but I will not allow any interference with my research. You should have died in one of the accidents I went through the effort of arranging. You're so inconvenient." He pulled a red collar from his robes and fastened it around her neck.

Instantly Nanao felt her reiatsu disappearing as if sucked out. It was hard to breathe, and she would have fallen to the ground if she wasn't held up by Nemu.

"Reiatsu-sealing collar. The same type they use for prisoners, except I've made some improvements, of course." He reached into her sleeve and pulled out her tantō. "You won't be needing this."

"You—you won't get away with this. My report is expected. I'm expected," Nanao gasped the words out with difficulty.

He laughed. "You have had an unfortunate accident and died. I will be reporting the incident via messenger when the Garganta opens. Don't imagine anyone will investigate. I'm sending along video of your unlucky death with my report to the First Division. Those fools will accept my evidence and forget about you."

"Then they'll send someone else to investigate you. You can't imagine they will let you work here without oversight."

"It won't matter. I only need a little more time to complete my most important work. I'm going to change everything, absolutely everything, and there's nothing any of the shinigami can do about it." He walked away, back to the underground tunnel entrance. "Nemu, wait until after the Garganta closes, and then take care of her."

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

He disappeared into the underground. Nemu released her grip on Nanao. "Please come with me, Nanao-san."

"Nemu-san, you don't have to do this." Nemu's hand locked around Nanao's wrist like iron clamp, pulling her along to another underground entrance.

"I must do this, although I am very sorry. Please do not struggle."

They walked down an endless corridor. Nanao tried to summon up kidō, but she couldn't make the smallest spark. Her power was entirely blocked by the collar. Nemu opened a heavy door and led Nanao into a small, empty room. "Please wait here, Nanao-san. I will return shortly."

"Nemu-san--"

The door closed behind Nemu, and Nanao was alone. She tried the door and then felt along all of the walls, but the tiny room had no other exits and no weak points. Even if there had been, it wasn't as if she could take advantage of them without power. She tugged at the collar. "Damn it."

She would die in Hueco Mundo in a miniskirt and collar, killed by one of her friends from the SWA, and no one would ever know. Ridiculous.

She sat down against the far wall facing the door. A plan, she needed to make a plan. Nemu's strength was incredible, and Nanao had no power and no real weapons. There wasn't a plan that would save her in this situation. "Damn it," she said again. She pulled out the hairpin she'd stolen from Shunsui, playing with it in her hands. It wasn't much of a weapon, but it would have to do.

What would he say to her in this situation? _Yare, Nanao-chan, your legs are so lovely in that skirt, all of your uniforms should be cut like that._ She laughed a little, but her eyes were wet. _Nanao-chan must not die before I can mount a heroic rescue._ That wasn't going to happen, not this time. He didn't even know where she was; much less that Kurotsuchi intended to have her killed.

Not for the first time since she'd come to Hueco Mundo, Nanao wondered if she'd made a mistake by accepting this mission. Shunsui was sure to be upset with her—angry?—because she hadn't waited for him to help her. It would have damaged her pride to wait in jail for his help instead of taking the mission, but she didn't think her pride was worth her life. _"Ukitake feels very strongly about personal honor and pride in battles, but I can't agree with him. Lost pride could be regained, but not if you're dead."_

"You were right." Her love and her life were more important than her pride. She leaned her head against the wall. It was too late for a realization like this, but then, it seemed all of her realizations came too late.

Nemu returned after what felt like hours. "Please come with me, Nanao-san." She waited patiently for Nanao to rise and walk to the door. Nemu marched down the corridors for what seemed an endless amount of time. They were out much farther than they'd been to meet the Garganta.

"Where are we going, Nemu-san?"

"It is Mayuri-sama's intention to make it appear that you have died in a laboratory accident in which your body was dissolved. He has planned to have me kill you and then destroy your remains in acid." Nemu's face was perfectly blank.

"Would it not be more convenient to do that at the laboratory? Where are we going?" Nanao felt the hairpin in her sleeve, but did not pull it out. Something was strange here.

"Mayuri-sama has told me to take care of you. He did not specify that I must kill you. He has planned that I should do so, but I will not." Nemu bit her lip.

"Nemu-san?" Nanao stopped walking, surprised.

"Please continue moving, Nanao-san, we do not have much time."

"You're helping me?"

"I am taking you to a distant exit point into Hueco Mundo. I will give you a key for the collar, though I would ask that you not remove it unless you absolutely must; as soon as your reiatsu is detected by Mayuri-sama's surveillance systems, he will act on that information."

They stopped in front of a door to exit the underground. Nemu pulled a sheathed tantō out of her sleeve. "It's not your zanpakutō. Yours has been placed with mine, in a locked case only Mayuri-sama can access. This is just metal, but it may be useful, if this is the weapon you are accustomed to."

"Thank you, Nemu-san. But why are you doing this? It must be dangerous for you."

Nemu bent her head and then lifted her eyes to meet Nanao's. "You said you were my friend."

"Nemu-san, I do consider you my friend, but this is a huge risk for you. What will Captain Kurotsuchi do when he discovers what you've done?" Nanao frowned.

"Captain Ukitake has explained to me that friends must help one another if the friendship is genuine. Your life has value to me, and so I must help you."

Nanao swallowed. "Nemu-san, you—thank you. Is there any way to get a message to Soul Society? I am sure the captain commander will stop Captain Kurotsuchi if he is made aware of his activities."

"I have secretly sent your report along with the courier carrying the message from Mayuri-sama and the video footage of your falsified death."

"Then we only have to make it a few hours, Nemu-san. Is there anywhere you can hide? Maybe you should come with me into Hueco Mundo."

Nemu looked at the door, and for a moment Nanao thought her face held longing. "I cannot. Mayuri-sama has ordered me to return to the laboratory after I have taken care of you. If I do not return, he will become suspicious and activate surveillance immediately."

"What will happen to you, Nemu-san?" Nanao clutched the tantō.

"Mayuri-sama will likely dismember me as punishment, and depending on whether he feels I can be useful in the future or not, he will either kill me or attempt to alter my brain function to eliminate this behavior." Nemu's voice was perfectly even, but her eyes were laced with a thread of fear.

Nanao impulsively hugged her. "Be careful, Nemu-san. We need only avoid Captain Kurotsuchi's notice for a few hours. Everything will be fine," she said, though that last part was far from certain.

"Thank you, Nanao-san. Please be watchful. Hueco Mundo is full of roaming Hollows seeking meals. Although you do not have spiritual power at the moment, if they see you, they will still wish to kill you. You are, after all, a shinigami, their natural enemy." Nemu opened the door and handed Nanao an oddly-shaped device. "The green button will release the collar, but please remember what I said."

"Thank you, Nemu-san. I'll see you soon." Nanao waved and ran out, but her confidence was just for show. Alone in the sands of Hueco Mundo, she heard a distant howl and shivered.


	35. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

The emergency meeting was called in the morning. Shunsui regarded the hell butterfly with one eye. He’d been sleeping—a rarity for him now, after five days without Nanao—and he rose wearily from bed. The summons could be about Nanao.

He was at the First Division within minutes. Other captains trickled in. “What the hell have we been called for so early, anyway?” Kenpachi asked.

“Nobody knows, so why don’t you wait quietly?” Byakuya did not bother to look at Kenpachi while speaking.

“Listen, you prissy bastard—”

“Silence!” Yama-jii said as he entered.

He strode to the front of the room, followed by an odd-looking member of the Twelfth with an exceptionally large head, wheeling a screen in front of him. The technician placed the screen to the right of Yama-jii and stood next to it, cranking his eyeball in and out of his head nervously.

“I have received this morning, via a courier of the Twelfth Division department working in Hueco Mundo, several items of interest. First, there is this video, which was accompanied by a report from Captain Kurotsuchi.” He stamped his cane.

“Should I start it? Oh, ah, yes, I’m starting it.” The technician fiddled with the controls until black and white video of a laboratory began to play on the screen.

A figure that was clearly Nanao strode between computers, making notes and speaking with Nemu. Suddenly a large vat of bubbling fluid burst, covering Nanao. The camera was obscured by thick smoke for several seconds. When it cleared, Nemu kneeled in the liquid, bleeding and coughing. A melting human skull was cradled in her hands.

Nanao’s skull was cradled in her hands.

The air went out of Shunsui’s lungs. “Is this real?” His voice sounded harsh to his ears.

“I received this video with a report on the incident from Mayuri Kurotsuchi, who sent along three witness accounts of the event.”

“But is it real?” The technician from the Twelfth fumbled back behind the screen to escape Shunsui’s gaze.

“I did recently send Nanao Ise on an observe and report mission to Hueco Mundo. But as to the validity of the tape, I can neither confirm nor deny that she is dead. I also received via that same courier a report from Nanao Ise on the work being done in Hueco Mundo. This report was conveyed with an urgent request for assistance from Nemu Kurotsuchi.”

“From Nemu Kurotsuchi?” Ukitake asked.

“Yes. Whatever is happening at the Twelfth Division base in Hueco Mundo, it is highly suspicious. I am sending a team to take Mayuri Kurotsuchi into custody until we can determine the truth of his activities.”

“I’m going,” Shunsui said. His body was tense and his grip on his reiatsu tenuous, but he knew if he overreacted Yama-jii would not allow him to go, not that he would accept being forbidden. But that fight wasn’t what he wanted now; he wanted to go to Nanao right away.

Yama-jii only nodded. It seemed he didn’t want to have that fight, either. “Captains Ukitake, Kenpachi, Unohana, and Kyōraku will enter Hueco Mundo and capture Mayuri Kurotsuchi. The captains of the Second and Sixth Divisions will stay in Soul Society, but provide assistance if it proves necessary.”

Byakuya and Soi Fon nodded.

“Fuck yeah, finally something interesting is happening,” Kenpachi said.

Another member of the Twelfth appeared in the door of the meeting room. Shunsui was sure he knew the horned boy, but he couldn’t think of his name now. He couldn’t think of anything but Nanao. “I’ll open the Garganta, if you’ll come with me,” he said, scratching at his horns.

Shunsui was at the door immediately. “Now.”

The man swallowed. “Yes, it’s already set up at the usual spot. We can go right now.”

In the Garganta Shunsui led the group, moving at his full speed. Ukitake came up beside him, a bit winded.

“Ukitake.”

“I know. Find her right away. The Kenpachi and I will take care of Kurotsuchi. He sent sempai with us, so—”

Shunsui glanced back at Unohana. “She’ll be alive,” he said, not because he was sure that was the truth, but because he needed to hear the words.

“Ise-san will be alive. You’ll find her.”

He nodded. _Wait for me, Nanao. Wait for me._

***************************************************************************

Nanao ran across the sands of Hueco Mundo. She slowed while climbing a dune, glancing back to see the dome that housed the Twelfth’s facility still looming large in the distance. It had to be of enormous size—she’d been running for what must be hours, but without seeing much change in the size of the dome or in the surrounding scenery.

Could all of Hueco Mundo be night and sand? Shouldn’t there be some kind of settlements? Even Hollows would sometimes form groups.

At the top of the dune she surveyed the landscape for any sign of Hollow or any other threats. With the collar on and her reiatsu blocked, she couldn’t properly sense the reiatsu of others. It would be very easy for something to attack her before she could remove the collar; without her kidō or shunpo, she could be killed before she ever touched the release mechanism for the restraint.

There was nothing on the horizon. Nanao continued forward, walking now. She was tired, and although she did not feel hunger in the collar, she suspected when it was removed she would be starving. The wind chilled her as it dried the sweat from her run on her bare legs. Sand had gotten into the top of her socks and her feet itched. The obi on Nemu’s uniform limited the flexibility of her midsection. For all the books she’d read that featured daring escapes, few had mentioned the mundane discomfort overlaying the adrenaline and fear of flight.

It would likely distract from the romantic notions of an adventure narrative. Complaints about itchy feet were not particularly romantic, however valid they might be. Shunsui would certainly omit them from his serialized novel. These types of complaints were more likely to appear in a letter to her column, with an answer printed below.

_Dear Vice Captain Ise, I experience a lot of physical discomforts on my missions that distract from my goals. I am particularly bothered by itchy feet and cold legs. What can I do? –Distracted in Duty_

_Dear Distracted in Duty, It is critical that you maintain focus on your missions. Are you wearing any sort of modified uniform? I would recommend the standard uniform for comfort and practicality. Individuality has a place, and that place is not the shinigami uniform. Additionally, if you suspect you may be in cold weather, bring appropriate outerwear. Some distractions are difficult to avoid in the field, so you must learn to overcome these issues and focus on your work. Remember, being a shinigami is an important responsibility and a great honor. Act like it. –Vice Captain Ise_

Nanao rubbed at her temples. The captain commander was sure to send a team at Nemu’s request, wasn’t he? It couldn’t be much longer. She hoped Nemu’s time passed as uneventfully as hers had.

The only warning she had before she was flung into a dune was the sound of a single footstep behind her. She landed in the sand, coughing. A few of her ribs felt cracked, but that was not her primary concern now. She hit the release mechanism for the collar and rose to her feet.

The Hollow was exceedingly tall and vaguely humanoid, with one eye and a bit of forehead not contained within his insect-like mask. He fired a cero straight up into the air as if it were a signal flare. “It was more difficult to find you than you might imagine. You got farther than Mayuri-sama anticipated with your reiatsu sealed. I’ll congratulate you for your resourcefulness. But I really must kill you here.”

Nanao drew the tantō Nemu had given her, allowing herself a fleeting wish for her zanpakutō. Her reiatsu fluctuated wildly, freed from the restraint of the collar, and she clamped down on it hard. She’d read reports on these collars and seen the effects on Rukia Kuchiki after she’d been released from one. It might be days or weeks before her reiatsu resumed normal levels. She hoped the limited number of hours she’d spent in the collar would speed her recovery, but that would not help her now. Somehow she’d have to get through this with her power wavering and sputtering.

The Arrancar drew two swords from the sash at his slight waist. “Don’t you have some other weapon? That really won’t do you much good against me, you know.”

Nanao weighed the tantō in her palm. “I thank you for your concern, but it is misplaced. As it happens, I have a lot of experience with this weapon.”

“Oh? I suppose we’ll see.” He sprang at her. The Hollow was fast, but his speed couldn’t compare to the speed Shunsui used in their Friday sparing matches.

“Hadō number 11: Tsuzuri Raiden!” Electricity sparked up her blade and across his, running up his arm. She blocked his other sword with a wordless kidō shield.

He hissed and drew back. Nanao pressed the advantage. “Bakudō number 61: Rikujōkōrō!” The kidō felt off—her reiatsu had dropped precipitously. With her power so uneven she couldn’t risk a prolonged battle. “Hadō number 73: Sōren Sōkatsui!”

“What? No!” The Hollow burst into blue flames, disintegrating into the sands of Hueco Mundo.

Nanao wiped the sweat and sand from her face with a cloth she pulled out of her sleeve. She’d been lucky that the fireballs from her last spell had hit so hard—if they’d been as weak as her Rikujōkōrō restraint, the Hollow would have survived. She tucked the cloth back in her sleeve and straightened Nemu’s uniform, still holding her tantō in one hand. “If you are attempting to surprise me, you are failing.”

A grinning Arrancar, smaller than the last, and with much less mask, strolled up a dune. Four larger, animal-like Hollows followed. “How perceptive of you. Mayuri-sama implied you were no threat at all, but you easily disposed of my subordinate just now.”

“I am a vice captain of the Gotei 13. Underestimating me would be foolish.” Nanao spoke with a confidence she did not feel at present. Her grip on her reiatsu was tenuous at best.

The Hollow unbuttoned his jacket. “Your pride in your position is quite appropriate. I share your sense of pride in my rank.” He slipped the jacket off. There was a hollow hole in the middle of his chest, and below that was the number 10. “I’m afraid you will not fare as well against me as you did against my lesser comrade.” He smiled, but there was nothing friendly in his face. He reminded Nanao of a shark. “This will hurt, vice captain.”

Nanao shifted her feet in the sand. She said nothing, watching the group of Hollows.  
There was no signal, just the rush of five enemies attempting to surround her. She slipped into shunpo and destroyed one of the Hollows with a shakkahō to the back of the head. More Hollows howled in the distance, likely summoned by the signal cero.

“How interesting. Shall we play, little vice captain?” Number 10 appeared behind her, smiling and swinging his sword.

She turned and blocked him, throwing a Tenran over her shoulder at the Hollows charging up behind her. The tornado threw them back into the dunes. “I don’t like to play games,” she said. _Not with you._

***************************************************************************

The four shinigami captains exited the Garganta, Shunsui leading, Ukitake close behind, Kenpachi laughing manically, and Unohana moving with a serenity that made it seem as if she wasn’t running at all.

“Where is that crazy bastard? I’m looking forward to this.” Kenpachi’s grin widened.

“The research facility is housed in the remains of Las Noches, that large dome there.” Ukitake glanced at Shunsui. “Kyōraku?”

“She’s alive. In the desert.” The words couldn’t express the incredible relief that welled up in him when he felt Nanao’s reiatsu, small and sharp, some distance away. But it was fluctuating in a way that worried him. “Ukitake.”

“Go. We will handle matters with Captain Kurotsuchi.” Ukitake nodded. “Go.”

“Whatever, more fight for me,” Kenpachi said.

“We will be at Las Noches, Kyōraku-san.” Unohana’s expression was unchanged.

Shunsui nodded and flashed into his fastest shunpo, drawing his swords as the desert blurred around him.

As he approached he saw a Menos Grande fall, the yellow lightning of a Raikōhō still crackling around its head. The sands were strewn with the disintegrating remains of Hollows. How long had Nanao been fighting out here?

He hoped none of the blood sinking into the sand was hers.

There was a crowd of Hollows surrounding something—it was impossible to see the center, but he was sure that Nanao was their target. He let his reiatsu slip loose as he cut through the enemies. In the middle was Nanao, dropped to one knee in a circle of wet red sand, a tantō broken in front of her. Blue fire flared in one of her hands. A small Arrancar stood a few feet away, holding a sword.

The Hollow half-turned towards Shunsui, and he saw the number 10 inscribed on his chest. “Oh? Another shinigami? Have you come to play as well?” The smile fell off his face as he grasped for his throat, gurgling as his head slipped off his neck.

“Sorry. I don’t have time right now,” Shunsui said. Fresh blood dripped off his blades. He disposed of the remaining Hollows with the same efficiency; most were fleeing into the distance, and he let them go.

“Nanao-chan.” He sheathed his swords and knelt beside her. She was tying a cloth around her thigh as a tourniquet with trembling hands.

“It’s an artery.” She fell back against his chest, struggling for air.

He examined the wound. It was a nasty slash across her thigh, deep enough to notch the bone. Blood ran freely from her leg, slowed by the tourniquet, but not stopped. He dropped a hand onto the wound, beginning a healing kidō immediately. His other arm supported Nanao; she was making no effort to hold herself up.

“Nemu-san helped me escape. I think Kurotsuchi is going to do something terrible to her.” The words came out in quick bursts as she tried to breathe.

“Ukitake and Retsu-san are at Las Noches. They’ll help her. Don’t speak,” he said as her mouth opened. The blood flowing from her leg wasn’t stopping. He increased the amount of reiatsu he was putting into the healing kidō.

“It won’t work. I was in a reiatsu-sealing collar, and then I used so much power here, against the Hollows. My soul isn’t stable enough to accept healing.” All of the color was draining out of her face. She was always pale, but this was a whiteness reserved for the dead.

“It will work.” He poured himself into the healing kidō, but the reiatsu slipped away from the wound and out of her body as if she were a ghost.

“This is a well-documented phenomenon. There’s a full chapter on it in the _Unabridged Encyclopedia_.” She smiled slightly. Her head lolled against his chest. He steadied her with his free hand.

“That’s not what’s happening. You’re going to be fine, Nanao-chan.”

“It’s not nice to lie. Isn’t that what you tell me? Shunsui—”

“Don’t. Whatever it is, you’ll tell me when you’re better.” He pushed so much power into the kidō that her flesh heated under his hand, leaving a contact burn on both of them.

“But I have to apologize. I was unfair to you, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have started a relationship with you when I knew I had committed those crimes at the command post.” She coughed.

“Stop talking, Nanao-chan. Conserve your strength.” Her eyes were so dark against her skin. Tears slipped down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I wanted to know what it would feel like to be with you. I wanted to know what it would feel like to be loved by you. I—” She coughed again, unable to continue.

“Don’t apologize. If you want to feel my love, you can have that for the rest of your life, Nanao-chan.” Her blood flowed unceasingly against his hand. He could feel the flaring reiatsu of the other captains in battle. If he brought Nanao to Retsu, could she do anything for her, in the middle of a fight?

She smiled again, and his heart caught when he saw her lips were blue. “Shunsui,” she whispered, and he could see she had more words, they were in her eyes, but her eyelids were heavy and closing.

“Nanao-chan? Nanao-chan!”

The desert slipped away as he ran for Las Noches. He’d never moved faster, but it wasn’t fast enough. Nanao’s heart—so delicate and beautiful he’d imagined it as a butterfly—still beat, but so faintly he could hardly feel it against his hand.

Ukitake met him just outside the dome. His eyes dropped to Nanao, unconscious in Shunsui’s arms. “The entrance is here. Retsu-san is inside, working on Nemu Kurotsuchi. Captain Zaraki is still engaged with various Arrancar, although we’ve already subdued and captured Mayuri Kurotsuchi.”

Shunsui followed him into the laboratory, unconcerned with the hanging corpses or the various vats and tanks. All of his attention was focused on Retsu, bent over a table applying kidō to someone he assumed was Nemu Kurotsuchi. The girl’s chest was splayed open—she’d apparently been subjected to a vivisection—and there were obvious bone breaks in one of her arms and both legs. A white cloth blooming with red covered her lower half—a small attempt to save some of her dignity—and he thought it must have been Ukitake's effort; Retsu was focused entirely on saving the girl's life. He could see Nemu's eyes blinking when he reached the table. “Retsu-san. Nanao-chan is severely wounded and she isn’t responding to healing kidō.”

Retsu looked up from her work on Nemu’s organs. “Nemu-san has informed me a sealing collar was used.”

“Captain Unohana, please attend to Nanao-san. I am not in mortal danger. I have survived worse injuries than this.” Nemu’s words were small puffs of sound. Shunsui felt a welling of gratitude for the girl; she’d saved Nanao’s life earlier, and now she was trying to save it again, despite her heinous condition.

Retsu indicated a nearby lab table. He laid Nanao carefully on the surface. Retsu examined Nanao visually and then with kidō. “She has to be stabilized enough to go through the Garganta. There’s some damage to the Saketsu and Hakusui organs related to using a high volume of reiatsu after being sealed by the collar. Her condition requires the equipment in the Fourth Division.” Retsu’s voice was calm, as it always was. Shunsui stood away from the table as Retsu worked, although he wanted to feel Nanao’s pulse under his hands.

Ukitake talked quietly with Nemu, his head bent low to hear her bare whispers, his thumb rubbing small circles on her undamaged wrist. Somewhere in the distance walls shattered and buildings fell as Kenpachi continued cutting a swath through Hueco Mundo. Shunsui forced his breathing to be even and deep. There was nothing he could do now, and he would not distract Retsu from her task.

Waiting was always the hardest thing.


	36. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Nanao was cold, and it was much too bright.  It was strange to be cold while she slept—Shunsui was always so warm.  She must be alone.  If she couldn’t do anything about the cold, she could at least cover her eyes and block out the cruel light.  She tried to lift a hand to her eyes, but her limbs felt numb and heavy; her hand wouldn’t move.  With a great effort she made her fingers twitch, but that was the most she could do.  
   
“Nanao-chan?  Are you awake, Nanao-chan?”  Shunsui’s voice from beside her, but it was raspy and stilted, instead of honey smooth.  
   
She tried to open her eyes, but the light was so bright she squeezed them shut immediately.  Then there was a shadow over her and those large hands of his she loved cupped her face, shading her eyes.  
   
“Nanao-chan?”  
   
Her eyelids fluttered and then opened.  Shunsui was leaning over her, his face filling her vision.  Lines carved more deeply around his mouth and eyes than usual, and smudges of weariness marked the area under his eyes.  His brows were drawn together.  “You look tired,” she said, and her voice came out as a cracked croak.  She winced.  
   
“Are you in pain?  I’ll get Retsu-san.”  He straightened and drew his hands back.  
   
She reached for his fingers with her hand, barely brushing them before her hand fell back to the bed.  “Shunsui.”  He bent back over her.  “I’m sorry.”  
   
A flash of something—was that anger?—cut through the worry in his eyes.  “Don’t apologize, Nanao-chan.  I’ll get Retsu-san.”  He turned away and walked to the door.  
   
She closed her eyes against the light and the tingle of tears.  Of course he was angry—why wouldn’t he be, after what she’d done?  That he didn’t even want her apologies hurt, though.  The bit of hope she hadn’t been able to crush had let her hold onto the dream that he would forgive her and still want a future with her.  
   
She forced her face into a calm expression when Shunsui came back through the door with Captain Unohana.  “Good morning, Nanao-san.  I’m pleased to see you’re awake.”  
   
“Good morning, Captain Unohana.  How long have I been sleeping?”  
   
“About a day.  You were sedated for some of that time, since it was necessary to do a procedure on your Saketsu and Hakusui organs.  They should be fine now, but it would be wise to avoid using any power for a few weeks.”  Unohana leaned over the bed.  “I’d like to examine your leg wound,” she said, glancing at Shunsui.  
   
“Please proceed, Captain Unohana.”  Shunsui had seen her legs before, had seen this wound before, and if he’d waited at the Fourth for her to wake up for a full day it hardly seemed fair to send him out now.  
   
Unohana inspected the wound visually and with a diagnostic kidō.  “This is healing more slowly than I’d prefer, but your reiatsu has not quite returned to normal as of yet, so it’s not entirely unexpected.  You’ll need to avoid putting strain on it for a while.”  
   
“How long will I need to stay in the Fourth?”  
   
“That depends on the care you have available at home.”  Unohana looked at Shunsui.  “I’ll have Isane bring by a few treatment plans for you to consider.”  She bandaged Nanao’s leg wound with expert ease.  
   
“Thank you, Captain Unohana.”  Nanao nearly asked her to stay.  She dreaded talking to Shunsui and hearing the words that would destroy her heart.  
   
Silence fell heavy in the room when Unohana left.  Shunsui moved back to the chair beside the bed he’d been sitting in when she woke.  Nanao reached for a glass of water, and he picked it up and held it to her mouth for her as she took small sips.  “Thank you,” she said, shifting in bed to sit up further.  He adjusted the pillows for her.  She clasped her hands in her lap to keep them from reaching for his hand.  
   
“How do you feel, Nanao-chan?”  
   
She glanced at his face.  It was the same as always, but something was changed; his eyes were shuttered.  She realized that she could not detect his feelings in his face.  He’d been so open with her over the days of their trial relationship; it stung that he was closing himself off from her now.  “I’m fine, or I will be soon.”  
   
He nodded.  “That’s good.”  
   
She stared at her hands.  “Are you angry with me?”  
   
“Why would you think that?”  
   
“You won’t let me apologize.”  She watched him with her head turned just enough to see him.  
   
He sighed.  “I don’t want you to apologize, Nanao-chan.”  
   
“But I am sorry.  I want you to know that I’m so sorry for what I did.”  Her nails bit into her palms.  
   
“Don’t tell me that.  You’re sorry for what you did?  For what?  That you let me love you?  That we had a romance?  I don’t want your apologies.”  
   
She flinched, swallowed hard.  He was angry, though he hadn’t raised his voice or even changed his tone.  “Not for those things.  I—I’m not sorry for that.  I’m sorry for failing in my duty as a vice captain, for being such a disappointment to you as an officer.”  
   
“No.  I won’t accept apologies for that, either.  Yama-jii gives you an order to kill a hundred thousand people and you don’t do it, and now you’re _apologizing_ to me for it?  It wasn’t my order you refused.  It wasn’t my command you disobeyed.”  
   
“It was my duty as a vice captain to follow the Central 46—what I did reflects badly on you.  I’m sorry for the shame I’ve brought you.”  Tears burned in her eyes.  
   
“Duty?  An order like that is beyond duty.  You should never have been given a command like that.”  Anger burned his voice now.  
   
She clenched her hands into fists.  “I shouldn’t have been given a command like that?  Why?  Because I’m a woman, I can’t be expected to do what other soldiers would be ordered to do?  Tell me you couldn’t have taken that order.”  
   
“Whether I would have taken it has nothing to do with this.  You shouldn’t have been given that command.  It’s not that you couldn’t handle a command, it’s that this particular command was too much to ask of you.”  
   
“Why?  Why is it unreasonable to expect me to handle an order you would have fulfilled if it was given to you?  Is the slaughter of the innocent something for only men to do?”  She was so cold, burning with icy fury.  
   
“No, damn it, it’s not because I’m a man, it’s because I’m a captain.  It’s my duty to do things that are terrible.  It’s my duty to protect my subordinates from orders like that.  Other captains might expect their vice captains to do anything that they would do themselves, but that’s not who I am.  I have done terrible things in the line of duty.  I expect that I will have to do them again in the future.  But, Nanao-chan, what you don’t seem to understand here is this: I do these things so that no one else will have to do them.  That’s my responsibility as a captain.  Did you think it was just having bankai that makes a captain?”  
   
She couldn’t answer.  Tears fell down onto her clenched hands, and she wiped them away brusquely.  Where were her glasses?  Where was her self-control?  
   
Shunsui sighed and sat down on the bed.  He clasped her face in his hands, wiping at her tears with his thumbs.  “Being a captain for me is about protecting the people I care about.  And I want to protect you most of all, Nanao-chan.  I’m angry at how badly I’ve failed at protecting you from Yama-jii.”  
   
She drew several shuddering breaths.  “But if I—I can’t support you properly, I can’t be a worthy vice captain.  If I’m not strong enough to do what’s necessary in battle—”  
   
He pulled her against his chest, stroking her back in soothing motions.  “Don’t be dense.  It doesn’t suit you.  You wouldn’t be my vice captain if you weren’t capable of it.”  
   
“But—I failed at my command, and then in Hueco Mundo, I nearly died—”  
   
“I don’t want you to have to take an order like that, haven’t I explained that?  Something like that order to destroy souls is strictly captain-level.  It should never come down to a vice captain.  Even some of the captains couldn’t be given an order like that.  It’s not appropriate to force someone into that position when they haven’t been prepared for it, which is exactly why Yama-jii gave it to you.  He never intended for that order to be fulfilled without Ichigo Kurosaki first having a chance at Aizen.  And as to Hueco Mundo, you fought off a huge force of Hollows, many of them Gillians or better, and without your zanpakutō.  That you eventually were wounded, that it was a particularly unlucky cut, that’s not a failure on your part.”  
   
“But still—”  
   
“Nanao-chan, lovely, lovely Nanao-chan—if you weren’t qualified to be my vice captain I would have dropped your luscious ass down to Third or Fourth or Eighth Seat, whatever you were qualified for, and I would still have wanted you just the same.”  
   
She huffed indignantly, but it came out as more of a hiccup.  “It’s inappropriate to talk about my ass in the context of my work as a vice captain.”  
   
He chuckled.  “I like Nanao-chan’s ass in any context.”  
   
She leaned against his chest for several minutes, content to listen to his heartbeat.  Suddenly she brought her head up, clutching at his haori.  “Nemu-san!”  
   
“She’s here, in the Fourth.  Kurotsuchi did some particularly brutal things to her, but she’s very durable, as she explained it.  Ukitake is with her right now.”  
   
“Captain Ukitake?”  She tilted her head.  
   
“I don’t know why either, but yes, he’s with her.  They have some type of odd connection.”  
   
“Hmm.”  She leaned back against him.  “That’s nice, though.  Nemu-san needs more friends.  My zanpakutō—”  
   
“We retrieved yours and Nemu-san’s.  Kurotsuchi never let her use hers, he kept it locked away for years.”  There was some anger in his tone about that, too; but Nanao understood.  Keeping a shinigami separated from their zanpakutō wasn’t just controlling, it was cruel.  The zanpakutō was a piece of their soul, and being separated from it for a long period was like missing an arm.  “Yours is here.”  He drew her tantō out of his sleeve and handed it to her.  
   
It was a relief to hold it again.  “Thank you,” she said, resting against the pillows, studying his face.  “You’re still—” she stopped.  It wasn’t anger, but he was still closed to her.  Regret welled up in her heart.  “I hurt you.”  
   
“Yes.  Don’t apologize again.”  He closed her mouth with a finger to her chin.  “I thought you trusted me enough, that we were close enough that you would have come to me about the orders from Central 46, before or after the battle.  That you didn’t—it does hurt, Nanao-chan.”  
   
She closed her eyes.  “I’m sorry.  I was a coward.  I didn’t want to know what you would think of me after you knew.  I valued your good opinion of me so much.”  
   
His hand cupped her cheek.  “Yare, yare.  Don’t worry so much about me.  I’ll get over it.”  He smiled, but it was short and pained.  
   
She grasped his wrist.  “Will you stay?”  Tears gathered in her eyes again, but she was too weary to either cry again or to fight them back.  
   
He nodded and moved to sit in the chair.  
   
“No, here with me.  Please.  It’s too cold without you.”  
   
Shunsui climbed into the bed with her.  “I’m fairly sure that this is not allowed, Nanao-chan.”  
   
“Forget the rules,” she said, shivering when her chilled body came into contact with his warmth.  
   
He laughed into her hair.  “Look at how I’ve corrupted Nanao-chan.  Openly flouting the rules in another division?  How scandalous.”  
   
She sniffed, but a smile lifted her lips.  Her hand played a little with his hair.  She was still worried about what she and Shunsui would do, but she was too sleepy to try to think about it now.  He smelled like autumn and soap and sunlight, and it was wonderful to be with him like this.  In Hueco Mundo, she’d thought she would die and never rest with him again.  “I missed you.”  
   
His arms tightened around her gently, conscious of her bruised ribs.  She tried to hold sleep off, wanting to hear him say something back, but he didn’t speak and she slipped into darkness without receiving any words from him.

****************************************************************************  
   
Nanao was alone in the bed when she woke.  It was night outside the window but a lamp burned in the room next to a chair.  “Captain Ukitake?”  
   
He looked up from his book.  “Ise-san, you’re awake.  Retsu-san thought it was best for your recovery if we let you rest for as long as you wanted.”  
   
She blinked the sleep from her eyes, looking at the tables beside the bed for her glasses.  Ukitake handed them to her when she spotted her spare pair and tried to reach for them.  “Thank you.  My other pair is broken?”  
   
“I think they needed some repairs.  Kyōraku had someone drop them off at the shop.”  He pushed the hair back from his face.  His skin was pale and he had bags of weariness under his eyes.  
   
“Captain Ukitake, I appreciate you sitting with me, but it must be quite late—“  
   
He smiled.  “It’s a little after four in the morning.”  
   
“I see.”  She didn’t ask the question that had been hovering in her mind since she woke.  
   
“Kyōraku went to the First Division.  He was here until a little while ago.”  
   
“At four in the morning?  Why—”  She didn’t finish the thought.  The _why_ was obvious; it was about Nanao.  
   
“Captain Yamamoto wishes to see you first thing this morning.  Kyōraku received the message and went in advance of your appointment.”  He didn’t elaborate, but she could imagine the nature of the conversation Shunsui might have with Yamamoto.  “It’s alright, Ise-san.  Both of them will have an opportunity to make their positions clear.  There is tension between them, but that isn’t something for you to worry about.”  
   
She sighed.  “I’ve made a mess of everything.”  She rubbed at her temples with the tips of her fingers.  
   
Ukitake smiled.  “Speaking as someone who has made a mess of things many, many times in my life, it’s rarely as bad as we think.  This may be an obstacle for your career, certainly.  You’ll know more about that after you go to the First.”  
   
She looked away, to the window.  Her career was not her greatest concern at present.  
   
“When you were in holding, Kyōraku collected formal complaints on your demotion and requests for reinstatement from all divisions.  When you disappeared, he looked everywhere for you.  He used favors in the Living World, with Yoruichi Shihōin, with anyone he thought could provide useful information.  Things may be difficult for you with him for a while, but I would urge you not to give up.  He does care deeply, Ise-san.”  
   
Nanao clasped her hands in her lap.  “I know that, Captain Ukitake.   And thank you.”  She swallowed.  It was hard not to despair a bit at her situation, but it could be so much worse.  At least she was alive and in Seireitei.  “Can you tell me about Nemu-san?”  
   
Ukitake leaned back in his chair.  “Kurotsuchi did some terrible things to her.  I won’t enter into the details.  Retsu-san has been doing various treatments and procedures, but it will be some time before Nemu-san is well enough to leave the Fourth, perhaps on the order of months.  Despite the durability of her modified body, she was severely injured.”  
   
“She’s going to be allowed to keep her position, isn’t she?  She saved my life.  And who knows what might have happened if Kurotsuchi had completed his research before she requested aid from the First Division?”  
   
“I don’t know.  It’s difficult because her loyalty will be called into question.  She was created by Kurotsuchi, and no matter how noble her actions of late, some people will always question her true motivations.  Kyōraku and I will petition for her to remain vice captain of the Twelfth, but I do not know if that will be enough.”  
   
“The SWA will assemble further petitions from other divisions.  I anticipate a positive request can be gotten out of every division.”  She adjusted her glasses on her face.  It could be done; between Rangiku, Yachiru, and herself they certainly had enough persuasion.  And if raw fear was necessary, Unohana might be willing to assist.  She was as fond of Nemu as the other SWA members.  
   
Ukitake smiled.  “That’s very good, Ise-san.  It’s wonderful that Nemu-san has such good friends.”  
   
Was Captain Ukitake friends with Nemu?  He used her first name as if he was.  Nanao was curious, but she didn’t want to pry.  “I hope I can visit with her soon.”  
   
“They do a lengthy kidō procedure on her overnight.  She can have visitors during the day, though.”  
   
Nanao nodded.  She watched the night fade away, replaced by the gray light of early morning.  Captain Ukitake resumed reading and she was grateful for that.  She didn’t think she could make polite small talk while she waited to go to the First.  Too much was at stake.  
   
Shunsui entered the room shortly after the sun began to climb the sky.  He carried a black uniform in his hands.  “Thanks, Ukitake.”  
   
Ukitake nodded.  “It was my pleasure.  Have a good day, Ise-san.”  He rose from the chair with his book and stepped outside of the room.  Shunsui followed him into the hall.  The low murmur of their voices reached Nanao, but she couldn’t distinguish any words.  
   
“You’re awake,” Shunsui said when he returned from the hall.  He closed the door behind him.  
   
“I’ve only been up for a little while.  Captain Ukitake kept me company.”  She dropped her eyes to his chest.  It was hard to look at his face when his eyes were still shuttered to her.  
   
“I brought you one of your uniforms.  I didn’t think you’d want to go to the First in just that robe.  Ukitake told you about Yama-jii?”  He set the uniform at the foot of the bed.  
   
“Yes, he told me.  Thank you for bringing me clothes.  The uniform I was wearing in Hueco Mundo was damaged?”  She clutched her biceps with her hands.  
   
“Ruined.  Blood and sand and torn up in places.  It’s a complete loss.”  He stood at the end of the bed, looking out the window.  
   
“That’s too bad.  I borrowed it from Nemu-san.  I’ll have to get her a replacement.”  Nanao cringed internally at the tense conversation.  She wanted things restored as they’d been between them, but she didn’t know how they could get there.  
   
He nodded.  “You should get dressed.  Yama-jii wants to see you as soon as possible.”  
   
She flipped back the blankets and slipped her feet onto the floor.  When she tried to stand her injured leg failed her and she started to fall.  Shunsui caught her immediately and pulled her upright, supporting her weight easily.  “Slowly, Nanao-chan.”  
   
“Will you help me?  I don’t think I can stand alone right now.”  She looked up at his face.  His eyes were shaded and she couldn’t see his heart there anymore.  Why had she never noticed how much of himself he allowed her to see until he’d taken it away?  
   
“Of course, Nanao-chan.  Can you hold onto me?”  When she nodded he pulled her hands up to his shoulders and leaned down to work on the knot in her sash.  
   
He was large and warm and it was so good to be close to him again, to be able to smell him and touch him.  She leaned her head against his chest.  “Shunsui,” she said, her hands coming together behind his neck in an embrace.  
   
His heart sped up under her ear.  He removed her sash and parted her robe at the neckline.  “Let go, Nanao-chan.”  
   
She dropped her hold on him, pulling her head away and keeping it bent.  He supported her with one arm as he removed her robe.  She was wearing a camisole and panties—not something she’d had in Hueco Mundo, so she assumed Rangiku or Shunsui had brought them to the hospital, since the robe was also one of hers.  They were a cherry blossom pink, and even during the trial she’d not wanted to let Shunsui see them—it seemed like too much of an admission, since she’d bought them herself—but now she couldn’t raise any concern.  
   
Her eyes stung as he dressed her in her uniform without any particular assistance from her.  She held her arms in the positions he moved them to, and stepped into her pants when asked.  There was a lump in her throat and she swallowed it down enough to speak.  “How bad is it, when you won’t even joke about my panties?”  She tried to make her voice light, but the tears in her eyes leaked into the words.  
   
He tied the final knot in her outer sash and sighed.  “Don’t cry, Nanao-chan.”  He sat on the bed, holding her up with his hands at her waist.  She blinked rapidly, but couldn’t clear her eyes.  “Since when do you want me to make comments about your panties?”  He was trying to joke too, but there was no laughter in his voice or his eyes.  
   
“I want things to be like they were.  I want what we had before.  What do you want me to do?  I don’t know what to do.”  She raised her eyes to his, and she was surprised again by the wariness there.  The tears overwhelmed her strength then, and began to fall.  
   
“Don’t cry, Nanao-chan.”  Shunsui pulled her into his lap on the bed, tucking her head against his chest.  “I don’t want you to cry.”  He slid her glasses off and brushed at her tears with his thumbs.  “You have to see Yama-jii soon, and you don’t want to go like this.”  
   
She nodded, but her tears still fell.  Her hands slid into his uniform to wrap around his back.  She rested her cheek against his chest and stroked the skin of his back with her hands, feeling the texture of his scars.  “I’m sorry.”  
   
He rubbed soothing circles on her back.  “It’s been hard, hasn’t it?  But you’re safe now, Nanao-chan.”  
   
“Do you know what’s going to happen?”  
   
“It’ll be better if you speak to Yama-jii yourself.  If you want to, you can talk to me after that.”  
   
She nodded again, trying to reassert control over herself.  When her tears stopped, Shunsui lifted her off his lap and stood, setting her back on the bed.  He wet a cloth and gently cleaned the tear tracks from her face.  “Thank you.”  
   
He slipped her tabi onto her feet.  “Are you ready now?  I’ll bring you to the First.”  
   
She held her arms out for him and he picked her up easily, one hand under her thighs, the other supporting her back.  He carried her through the empty corridors of the Fourth and outside into the chill air.  She shivered at the cold.  
   
“Do you want my haori, Nanao-chan?”   
   
“Not if we’re going to the First Division.  We’ll only be outside for a few minutes, anyway.”  She studied his chin, brushing her fingers over his jaw.  His beard was untrimmed and the rest of his jaw was darkened with stubble.  “You need a shave.”  
   
He glanced down at her.  “I’ve been a bit busy lately.”  
   
She sighed at that, and her hand dropped to her lap.  
   
Shunsui waited a few beats, but she didn’t have any words that weren’t apologies, so she stayed silent.  “Are you ready for shunpo?”  
   
She nodded against his chest.  “I’m ready.”


	37. The Trials of Nanao Ise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanao will face the consequences of her decisions during and after the Arrancar War. Can she overcome these trials, or will they divide her from Captain Kyōraku forever? Canon compliant through manga chapter 423.

Sasakibe greeted them at the First.  “Good morning, Captain Kyōraku, Ise-san.  It is most pleasant to see you again, Ise-san.”  
   
“Thank you, Sasakibe-san.  It is most pleasant to be back in Soul Society.”  
   
He led them through winding corridors along a different route than Nanao had taken on her recent trips to the First.  They entered a warm room lit with old-fashioned lamps.  Faded landscapes decorated the walls.  Captain Yamamoto sat at a low table, taking tea.  He glanced up when they entered but continued to drink his tea.  Shunsui knelt on the other side of the table and helped Nanao into a sitting position, with her legs out to one side to avoid putting pressure on her wound.  She found the posture a bit informal for the circumstances, but it couldn’t be helped.  
   
“Thank you, Shunsui.  Please leave us for now.”  Nanao was surprised by the warmth in Yamamoto’s tone.  
   
Shunsui shifted behind her, wrapping his hands around her shoulders.  “I’ll be just outside, Nanao-chan.”  He and Captain Yamamoto exchanged a long look.  Nanao wondered what exactly they’d spoken about earlier.  “Call for me if you need me,” Shunsui breathed beside her ear.  
   
She nodded slightly and his hands drew away from her shoulders as he rose.   
   
Captain Yamamoto sighed when Shunsui and Sasakibe left the room and closed the door.  “To be that young again,” he said, shaking his head.  
   
“Sir?”  
   
“Have some of the tea, Nanao Ise.”   
   
Nanao poured a cup of the tea and sipped.  It was powdered green tea—she disliked it, but drank anyway.  “Thank you, sir.”  
   
“You’re a well-mannered girl.  Responsible.  Dedicated to your duties.”  He drank from his cup.  
   
“Thank you, sir.”  
   
“Shunsui thinks I used you.”  He opened his eyes to pin her with his gaze.  
   
“Sir?”  She set the cup on the table and clasped her hands in her lap to disguise the shaking his stare caused.  
   
“He’s right, of course.  I did use you.”  
   
Nanao’s mouth opened and closed.  “Sir?”  
   
“That is what a leader does, isn’t it?  Decides when and how to best use the resources at his disposal, be they soldiers or equipment?  There’s no fundamental difference, is there?”  
   
She frowned.  “Soldiers and equipment are not the same, sir.”  
   
He grunted.  “That’s the mark that shows you grew up in Shunsui’s division.  If I made the same statement to someone from the Twelfth, do you think they would disagree with me?”  
   
She swallowed.  “It is difficult to say, sir.  I am certain it would depend on the individual—”  
   
“Humph.  Evading the question.  But if I said that statement to someone from the Eighth, do you think they would disagree with me?”  
   
“Yes, sir.”  
   
“Then you understand why I chose you for that order from the Central 46.”  His eyes closed again, and Nanao breathed deeply.  
   
“I don’t, unless you are saying that you did not intend for your order to be obeyed, sir.”  Nanao picked up her cup and wrapped her hands around it.  She was cold.  
   
“But it wasn’t my order, was it?  Not in truth.  And so I needed someone who would place value on lives, who would wait until there were no other choices to take that most drastic step of destroying souls.”  
   
Nanao looked down into her cup.  Yamamoto had used her.  He’d never intended for her to succeed at her command.  “Yes, sir.”  
   
“You’re a strange girl.”  
   
“Sir?”  She glanced up, startled.  
   
“Why aren’t you angry?  This decision cost you your position as a vice captain and perhaps your place in Soul Society.  Being angry would be the anticipated reaction.”  
   
 “I’ve wanted to know why I was chosen since the first time I heard the order, sir.  I am certain Captain Kyōraku would have known the reason, sir.”  But Nanao hadn’t been smart enough.  
   
“It’s Shunsui’s years of experience with me and with war that would have given him the necessary insight.  If you are thinking that you should have been cleverer and seen it for yourself somehow, I would simply say you are too young for it to have been possible.”  
   
Nanao’s eyes widened.  How had he known the rebukes she’d been throwing at herself?  
   
Yamamoto’s lips moved, and she thought it might have been a smile, but it passed too quickly to be sure.  “You are very young, after all.”  
   
Her eyes dropped to her tea.  “Yes, sir.”  
   
“Shunsui has been most explicit in informing me that you belong with him and with the Eighth, and that you are to be returned to your home.”  Was that _amusement_ in his voice?  
   
“Sir?”  
   
He chuckled.  Nanao’s heart jumped in shock at the sound.  “He reminded me of what it is to be a young man.  It’s been so many years since I thought of that feeling.”  
   
Nanao’s head tilted.  She couldn’t think of anything to say; this was the strangest conversation.  “Sir?”  
   
“Perhaps he seems very old to you, but Shunsui is a young man to me.”  He sighed.  “Those two boys have always been my favorites.  And they’ve stayed all this time, never attempting to achieve promotion to the Royal Guard.  They never will.  They are key pillars of the Gotei 13.”  
   
“Yes, sir.”  
   
“You know what it is to be a pillar of strength to your soldiers, don’t you, Nanao Ise?  You are certainly the best vice captain Shunsui has ever had, and it’s not because of your proficiency with paperwork.  Do you wish for career advancement?”  
   
“Career advancement, sir?”  
   
“Do you want to be a captain?  To lead your own division?”  
   
She hesitated.  
   
“How close are you to bankai?  Surely by now you’ve heard a whisper at the least?”  
   
She shifted on her cushion.  “I have heard a whisper, sir,” she said, reluctant but incapable of lying with his sharp eyes watching her face.  
   
“But you don’t want to be a captain.”  
   
“Sir—although it would be a great honor to be considered for a position like that, the Eighth—I couldn’t leave the Eighth.”  
   
He grunted.  “Obviously.”  He sighed.  “Do you imagine Renji Abarai is the first vice captain to have achieved bankai?”  
   
“Ah, no, that does seem unlikely, sir.”  
   
“Indeed.  And then there is that idiot Madarame attempting to _hide_ a bankai.  Does he imagine I am blind?  It’s as if these children imagine I will steal them away in the night and slap captain’s haoris on them.  But they are missing the point, are they not?”  
   
Ikkaku Madarame had bankai?  How strange.  “Being a captain is not merely about having bankai, sir.”  Shunsui had told her this in many ways over the years, but she’d only really understood since the war.  
   
“Shunsui has taught you that much, at least.  So he’s told you that even if you have bankai, there is no need for you to seek promotion?”  
   
She thought back to a particular afternoon many years ago when the sun had scorched the earth.  _The Eighth will always be your home, Nanao_.  “Yes, he has told me that, sir.”  Though, she hadn’t fully understood his words then.  
   
“Good.  Then you understand there is no reason not to continue to seek strength in your current position.”  He held out his empty cup.  Nanao carefully poured hot tea into it.  
   
“Currently I have no position, sir.”  
   
“There is that detail.”  He flipped through some pages on the table, finding one and slapping it down next to her cup.  
   
“Citation for valor in the line of duty?  Sir?”  
   
“Because of your actions on your mission in Hueco Mundo, which likely spared Soul Society from another painful battle with the Arrancar, you are receiving this citation.”  
   
“I am honored to be considered for this citation, sir, but truthfully, it belongs to Nemu Kurotsuchi.  Without her taking action against the wishes of Captain Kurotsuchi and risking her life to save mine and to send the message to Soul Society, I would have died and my report would never have been sent.  Soul Society would have been endangered.  Nemu-san is the one who deserves this citation, sir.”  
   
“Nemu Kurotsuchi is a matter I will be considering closely over the coming months.  Since Mayuri Kurotsuchi has been relocated to Maggot’s Nest, suspicion must necessarily fall on the members of the Twelfth who followed his orders.  As Nemu Kurotsuchi was actually created by him, you must realize that she will bear the greatest burden of proof in trying to prove her innocence.”  
   
“Nemu-san’s actions in Hueco Mundo should weigh heavily in her favor.  Isn’t it apparent from the brutality of her treatment by Mayuri Kurotsuchi that she acted against his will and at great cost to herself, sir?”  
   
He sighed.  “I do not wish to discuss this at present.  In any case, I will be receiving petitions and complaints and all manner of documents relating to that girl for months before making any decisions.  I am certain I will receive some petitions that have your hand behind them.”  He raised one eyebrow a bare half-inch.  
   
“Yes, sir.”  If Nanao was still in Soul Society, she would definitely be working for Nemu’s cause.  
   
“And shouldn’t you be more concerned with your own fate right now?”  
   
Nanao nodded.  “Yes, sir.”  
   
“Nanao Ise, in light of this citation you have received for valor in the line of duty, I find it to be the course of action most beneficial to the Gotei 13 to appoint you acting vice captain of the Eighth Division.”  He reached back behind him and drew out her vice captain’s badge, dropping it on the table on top of the citation.  
   
“Sir?” she gasped.  
   
“After an appropriate period of time—perhaps twelve months—I will consider making this appointment permanent, with the consent of the Eighth’s captain.”  
   
“But why, sir?”  
   
He breathed in the aroma of his tea before taking a sip.  “I gave you an order I never intended for you to follow.  In consequence, you lost your position as vice captain.  But it’s best for Soul Society that there is not ongoing upheaval.  We must focus on the stability of the Gotei 13 at this time.”  
   
“Yes, sir.”  Tentatively she picked up the vice captain badge, running her fingers over the flower of the Eighth.  
   
“In the matter of the complaint by Vice Captain Takahashi of the Kidō Corps, I have decided to turn you over to Shunsui.  He has agreed to appropriately dispense punishment to you.”  
   
“Yes, sir.”  Her voice was flat.  Hadn’t Shunsui threatened to spank her before?  If he so much as _dreamed_ of it, she would strangle him with his own intestines—  
   
“That will be all, Vice Captain Ise.”  Was Yamamoto smiling?   
   
“Thank you, sir.”  
   
He called to Sasakibe and the door opened, admitting Shunsui and Sasakibe.  Shunsui strode over to her, kneeling to lift her into his arms.  
   
“There is one other thing,” Yama-jii called when they’d reached the door.  Shunsui turned back to face him.  “I will consider the _Application for Special Dispensation of Anti-fraternization Regulations_ you filed last week to be valid unless I am informed otherwise, Vice Captain Ise.”  
   
“Thanks, Yama-jii.”  Shunsui smiled.  
   
“Yes, sir,” she said, the words a bit strangled.  
   
When they were outside the First, Nanao gripped his haori in both hands.  “If you even so much as _think_ about spanking me, you’re going to be very, very sorry.”  
   
“Yare, yare, Nanao-chan.  I assumed your conversation with Yama-jii would be dull, but now I’m really interested in what you talked about.  It sounds kinkier than I expected.”  
   
“As if you don’t know that he gave over my punishment to you—it’s obvious you know that, it’s all over your face.”  
   
“That was one of his concessions to me for using you without consulting me.  Hold on.”  He stepped into shunpo, and they were back in her room at the Fourth before she’d fully recovered her breath.  
   
“One of his concessions?  Captain Yamamoto gave you concessions?”   
   
He dropped her lightly on the bed, cupping her face in his hands.  “You look tired, Nanao-chan.  Why don’t you go back to sleep for a bit?”  
   
“I don’t want to sleep in my uniform.  What did Captain Yamamoto concede to you?”  
   
Shunsui opened her outer sash and worked on the other stays of her uniform.  “Isn’t it obvious?  He conceded you to me.”  
   
“As if even Captain Yamamoto could offer me to you!  The arrogance of it—I am my own person, not some object to be given away.”  She scowled.  
   
He smiled.  “This is entirely about you as a soldier of the Gotei 13, Nanao-chan.”  
   
“As if that makes it less of an insult,” she snapped.  His hands stroked down the outside of her thigh removing her pants.  “Shunsui,” she said, and her tone was entirely different than before.  
   
“You need to rest, Nanao-chan.”  He helped her into her sleeping robe.  
   
“I’ve been resting.  I’m not even tired.”   
   
He pressed her back into the bed.  “No?  You aren’t even tired?”   
   
She stifled a yawn.  “Oh, be quiet.  I don’t know why I’m still so sleepy.”  
   
“You nearly died, Nanao-chan.  You lost so much blood.  And there was nothing I could do.”  He turned his head away, to the window.  
   
She reached for his hand, gripped it.  “I’m sorry.”  
   
He shook his head and sat down on the bed, watching her face.  His fingers closed gently around hers.  “Sitting in that chair, afraid that your life would disappear if I looked away—”  
   
“I know that feeling.  How many times have I sat in that chair, watching you on the edge of death?”  She smiled very slightly.  
   
“Maybe you’re stronger than me in that regard, precious.  It was unbearable to see you struggling for your life.  I never want to go through that again.”  His eyes closed and his head turned back to the window.  
   
“Shunsui, I—” she couldn’t continue.  Still the words were too hard for her, sticking in the base of her throat.  She sighed.   
   
“Stop apologizing, Nanao-chan.”  He rubbed her palm with his thumb.  There was a long silence between them, rising like a wall.  
   
“Captain Yamamoto told me he chose me because I wouldn’t act on the order from Central 46.  You were right about that.  I thought I had merited a command, finally, but it was just because he needed someone who _wouldn’t_ follow their orders.”  
   
“What Yama-jii did to you was wrong, and he will not do something like that to anyone from the Eighth again.  I promise you that, Nanao-chan.”  
   
“If I’d told you what had happened in the command post, what would you have done?”  
   
“I would have taken your side, Nanao-chan.  I would have gone to Yama-jii and we would have worked it out.  Probably it wouldn’t have been very different than it was, actually, although I would have never consented to send you to Hueco Mundo.”  
   
Nanao nodded.  She exhaled a shuddering breath.  “I wasn’t sure.  Sasakibe-san said that if you sided with me, it could destroy the Gotei 13, but that isn’t why I didn’t tell you, not at the bottom.  I wish it was; that would be right, for a soldier to act for duty.  But I didn’t tell you because I thought that if you stood with the Central 46 and Captain Yamamoto—if you didn’t side with me, I thought I might break.  I was weak.”  
   
He leaned down to kiss her forehead.  “That’s not weakness, precious.  That’s normal.  We’re all protective of our hearts.”  
   
“You were never protective of your heart before.  But now you’re hiding it from me,” she whispered.  
   
His face was only a breath away from hers.  “I know.  But it’s hard right now, Nanao-chan.  It’s hard to always be the one sharing his heart.”  
   
She closed her eyes against the pain in his eyes.  “I’m sorry.”  
   
“Don’t worry about it, Nanao-chan.  I told you before, I’ll get over it.”  He smiled, but it wasn’t his normal easy grin.  
   
Her eyes prickled, but she didn’t want to cry again, so she reached for something else to talk about.  “Did Captain Unohana give you back your hairpin?”  
   
“Nanao-chan?”  
   
“I stole it that morning, before the meeting.  It was in my sleeve.”  His eyes studied hers, surprised but wary.  
   
He opened the drawer in the side table with his free hand and lifted out his hairpin.  “You took it with you.”  
   
Her eyes were very heavy now, and she could hardly hold them open.  “Yes.”  
   
“Why?”  
   
“I can’t tell you.”  
   
He sighed.  
   
“It’s not that I wouldn’t tell you.  But I don’t know why I took it, either.”  She tried to see his heart in his eyes, but it was still shielded.  
   
He kissed her cheek.  “When you can tell me, I’d like to know.”  
   
“Will you stay?”  Her eyes were closing.  
   
“I need to check on the division.  Rangiku-san has been in charge there for two days now.  She needs to be relieved for a while.”  
   
“I understand.”  She did understand, although it didn’t have to do with the division.  Being close to her was painful for him right now; she’d hurt him, and she didn’t know how to fix it, and he wasn’t telling her what he needed.  Until she could figure out what to do, she’d have to give him time away from her.  “Will you come back?”  
   
“Always, Nanao-chan.”  He stroked her hair back from her face.  
   
Her eyes closed again, and this time they were too heavy to lift, but she could feel his hand on her face and it was enough to ease her into sleep.

****************************************************************************  
   
Shunsui returned from the Eighth in late afternoon.  “The division is still standing,” he said, sprawling into one of the chairs beside the bed.  
   
“That is a relief.  After you said you’d left Rangiku-san in charge, I was a little worried.”  She smiled.  
   
“Oh?  Lots of people helped, really.  And the whole division had notes from you.  Except me.”  There was a small catch in his voice.  
   
Nanao flinched.  “I didn’t know what to say to you.  I couldn’t say anything without saying everything.  I’m—”  
   
“Don’t say you’re sorry again, Nanao-chan.  I haven’t heard those words from you as much in the last two decades as I have in the last two days.  It’s fine.”  He looked out the window at the cold sunshine.  
   
It wasn’t fine, not really, but she didn’t know what to do about it, so she left it for now.  “Isane-san says that I can go home today if someone will be staying with me.”  Nanao sat on the bed, her legs hanging off the side without reaching the floor.  She glanced over at Shunsui’s face.  
   
“That’s good, Nanao-chan.”  He said nothing else, made no offer.  
   
So he wouldn’t make it easy for her.  That was fine; she could do this.  Hadn’t she decided her love and life were worth more than her pride?  “Will you take me home?  Will you stay with me?  Please.”  
   
She thought she saw a flash of surprise in his profile, but it was gone too quickly to be sure.  “If that’s what lovely Nanao-chan wants.”  He rose from the chair and picked up the bag on the bed beside her.  “Better put this on, it’s cold today.”  He pulled off his pink haori and wrapped it around her shoulders over her white robe.  
   
He carried her out of the hospital, striding down corridors and stairs until they reached the front door.  Nanao sat in his arms with her bag in her lap and her feet bare, raising her eyebrows at the members of the Fourth that stared at them.  
   
“I’m going to shunpo now.”  It took them less time to arrive than it took him to say those words.  He was really unparalleled in speed.  But—  
   
“These are my quarters,” she said, sliding out of his arms.  “Why?  And they’re empty.”  
   
His face was impassive, his eyes unreadable.  “You said you wanted to go home, Nanao-chan.  And you packed all of your things up yourself, didn’t you?  To make it easier on everyone when you were gone.”  
   
She swallowed hard, blinking.  Her quarters were familiar and she’d lived there for many years, but they weren’t home.  Standing in the empty room holding only standard-issue furniture with all of her possessions missing, she felt very alone.  “This isn’t what I meant,” she whispered.  
   
“I know.  But you didn’t even notice, did you?  For weeks you’ve called my house home.  You were really living with me, Nanao-chan.”   
   
She looked down at the floor.  
   
He sighed.  “I can have your things brought back here.”  He shifted for the door.  
   
“Wait!”  She reached out for him.  He turned back to her.  “That’s not what I want.  I don’t want to stay here.”  
   
He moved close to her, standing only a step away.  “What do you want, then?”  
   
She stared at his chest.  He was so close but so far away from her right now.  She pressed her hand against the center of his chest, running her fingertips down the ridges of his abdomen until they caught against his sash.  His breath caught and she ran her hand back up to his throat to touch his pulse.  He still felt this, at least; the heat between them was undiminished.  She licked her lips, raising her eyes to his, and it was easy to say what had stuck in her throat before, now that his eyes were full of her image.  “I want to stay with you, Shunsui.  I want to go home.”  
   
He stroked her cheek, his lips coming down towards hers, and she closed her eyes in anticipation.  But he did not kiss her, and she opened her eyes to see him holding out her bag for her.  She took the bag and he picked her up again, flashing them to his house.  He set her on her feet in the main room.  
   
She dropped the bag beside the table.  Something on a bookcase caught her eye and she limped over.  She held the picture frame in her hands and studied it, her brows drawn together.  “This is mine.”  It was the picture of the two of them at the summer party, smiling at each other.  
   
“Yes, it is.”  He scratched the back of his neck.  
   
Suddenly she could see her things all over, mixed with his—books, trinkets, even her sewing project chest standing in a corner.  “All of my things are here.”  
   
He said nothing.  She strode into the bedroom, forgetting her leg and nearly falling, but he wrapped an arm around her waist quickly.  “Slowly, Nanao-chan.”  
   
In the closet her clothes shared space with his, the chest of her undergarments beside a few racks of his things.  “You brought all of my things to your house.”  
   
He let go of her to uncover a window.  “Yes.”  
   
“Why?”  
   
He didn’t speak, but gave her a look that scorched her.  Her cheeks flushed and she trembled slightly, so she limped to the bed and sat down with her legs curled to the side on the cover.  “Shunsui.”  She held her hand out to him.  
   
“Nanao-chan,” he said, but did not move.  
   
“Please, Shunsui.”  It was several seconds before he joined her on the bed, sitting on his heels.  She took his hand between both of hers and he didn’t pull away.  There was wariness in his face that pained her—he’d so rarely been wary of her, it felt like a stab to her heart—but she’d shown him wariness often, hadn’t she?  
   
“Are you feeling alright, Nanao-chan?  Do you want to go back to the Fourth?”  He’d felt the trembling in her hands and he was concerned.  She smiled at that.  
   
“No.  I’m fine.”  She breathed deeply several times.  It would be best just to do it before her nerves stopped her.  “Marry me, Shunsui.”  
   
“Nanao-chan?”  
   
“I want to have something with you no one else has ever had.  It’ll be a grand adventure.  We’ll experience it together.  Won’t you marry me, Shunsui?”  Her heart was going to break through her ribs and run out into the garden any second now.  
   
“Nanao-chan?  Are you joking with me?”  He was simultaneously worried and wary, and she cursed herself for giving him any cause to doubt her.  
   
“I’m not joking with you.  This is the part where you say yes, if you were unaware.  Think of all the benefits!  I’ll stay with you in your house forever, and no one will ever question it, they’ll just say, ‘Oh, Nanao is so lucky, to have such a handsome husband.’  And your ability to get me to relax about work will be unmatched, because of the leverage you’ll have as my husband.  And—the baths.  I can’t think of anything about the baths, except that I like them.    And I have a strong savings portfolio of my earnings as a shinigami.”  She stopped for breath.  Her hands had gone from trembling to outright shaking.  
   
He clasped her hands in his.  “Nanao-chan, you’re overtaxing yourself—”  
   
She shook her head.  “No, listen to me, please.  I love you.  I want to marry you, Shunsui.”  She stared down at their joined hands without blinking.  Tears were forming in her eyes, and if she blinked, they’d all leak out.  
   
There was a long silence.  Nanao felt her heart cracking under the weight of it, and the tears fell out of her eyes to splash on their joined hands.  
   
“Nanao-chan.  Lovely, lovely Nanao-chan.”  His voice was silky and low, but she couldn’t let herself hope, not when it already hurt so much.  
   
She squeezed her eyes shut.  
   
“Look at me, Nanao-chan.”  
   
She lifted her head and opened her eyes.  
   
“Say that again, Nanao-chan.”  
   
“I want to marry you.”  She blinked away her tears, trying to see his face clearly.  
   
“That part is very nice, but I want the other part again.”  
   
She gripped his hands tightly.  “I love you.”  
   
He leaned towards her, kissing her lips softly.  “Nanao-chan is such a romantic,” he murmured near her ear.  
   
She choked on her relief and it came out as a sob.  
   
“Nanao-chan.”  His voice had concern in it again.  
   
She could see his eyes now, and they were soft and warm with his love.  That terrible wariness had disappeared, but—“I’m afraid.”  
   
He kissed her lips with so much tenderness her eyes slipped closed.  “I know, Nanao-chan.  But you’ve given me a gift, and I’ll treasure your heart.  I’ll treasure you.”  
   
“You can be careful when something is important,” she said.  She lifted one of her hands to wipe at her eyes.  
   
“That’s right.  I love you, Nanao-chan.”  He cupped her cheek in his hand.  
   
“Are you accepting my proposal?”  She hesitated, smiled.  
   
“Oh?  Isn’t Nanao-chan accepting my proposal?”  He raised his brow.  
   
“You never asked again.”  Her eyes slid down to his chest.  
   
He tipped her chin up with a finger.  “Will you marry me, Nanao-chan?”  
   
She pulled her hand away from his and jumped lightly into his lap, locking her arms around his neck.  He caught her easily since she was already so close, taking care to protect her thigh from impact.  She nodded against his throat.  
   
“I’d like the words, sweetheart.”  
   
“You love to make me repeat myself.  I told you before that I want to stay with you.  Yes.”  She nibbled on the skin of his throat.  One of her hands traveled down his front, straying scandalously into his pants.  
   
“Nanao-chan is supposed to rest.”  He tugged her hand away from her explorations, putting it back around his neck.  
   
“No, I’m supposed to avoid exertion, which is an entirely different matter.”  Her other hand drifted across his stomach.  “I want to take a bath, but I don’t know how I’ll manage without straining myself.”  
   
“Don’t worry, lovely Nanao-chan, I’ll lend you my assistance.”  He stood, flipping her easily into his arms, dancing with her into the bathroom.  
   
“That’s very noble of you.”  She laughed.  “Shunsui.”  He paused in removing her robe, his hands around her waist to reach the knot of her sash.  His eyes met hers.  All of the wariness, the hurt lurking around the edges of his face, the distance—they were gone.  Both of them were open to each other now, and although that meant he could crush her heart and destroy her dreams, she understood that he wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ do that to her anymore than she could bear to do something like that to him.  “I’m not going to apologize to you again.”  
   
His eyes widened.  “I’m glad, Nanao-chan.”  
   
“But I will hurt you again, eventually.  I don’t mean to, and I don’t want to, but—”  
   
He smiled.  “We’ll hurt each other now and again.  We’re flawed beings, and despite our best intentions to be good to each other, we’ll fail sometimes.  But it’s alright.  We’ll work through it when it happens.”  His hands resumed their work on the knot, opening her robe when he’d untied her sash.  “You know, these are really the most _delightful_ panties, Nanao-chan.  The color is lovely on you.”  
   
“I knew you would like them.”  Her breath caught sharply as he slid the straps of her camisole off her shoulders.  “I bought them for you,” she said, the words slipping from her lips as the fabric of her garments slipped off her body.  
   
He looked at her face, surprised, and then smiled.  “Nanao-chan loves me.”  She flushed but did not look away.  He kissed her temple and stroked her shoulders before shifting to prepare her bath things.  
   
She stood naked in the bathroom, stretching carefully.  Her ribs were tender and the skin over them was bruised.  She unwrapped the bandage on her leg, studying the wound on her thigh.  It was long and deep and curved around her leg.  “It’s ugly.”  
   
Shunsui pressed her gently down on the bath stool.  “It’s a sword wound.  They all look like that to start with.  It’ll get better with time.  I have one in a similar spot, you’ve seen it.”  
   
She tilted her head.  “You do, don’t you?  I want to see it again.  Please take off your clothes.”  
   
He laughed as he stripped out of his clothes.  “Anything for my Nanao-chan.”  
   
He came back to her and she pulled his hand down until he bent enough for her to kiss him.  She kissed him long and deep, trying to convey with her lips the sum of her happiness.  “I missed you,” she whispered, her breath warm on his cheek.  
   
“I’m with you, Nanao, and I’m not going anywhere.”  He brought his lips back to hers, matching her happiness with his own.  


  


**~The End~**  



End file.
